22 May 2015

My One and only,
       I fall more and more for you every day. Every conversation, every laugh, every story, every "debate" (sorry about those) - every date brings me closer to you. Closer to knowing you, closer to the warm glow of knowing you're seeing the real me.... (whatever that may be). Starting to realize true love isn't about just the madness of passion or instead picking the safety of peace. No - it's about having both. Falling madly in love with your friend. That is what has surprised me perhaps the most... That I have seen in you the true bones of friendship and respect. But of course, I still (perhaps more than before) want to rip you apart, and devour you and savor the taste... fret not.

Xx Slim

"Women
are meant
to be loved-
NOT TO BE
understood"
- OSCAR WILDE

I'M SORRY, STEVE.
I lOVE YOU.
Xx. YOUR
Slim

22 July 2015

Xx Slim

24 July 2015

My Steve,
Sitting here on the train looking out as Bangkok fades away into the melting sunset, waiting for you to emerge from the bathroom in yet another questionably fitting suit, thinking to myself: could I be a luckier woman?!
Not just because you are the man of my dreams or that I could never dream of a more unbelievable adventure, no, what truly makes me feel lucky in these quiet moments of reflection is the simple truth - it's (like most of life's most rewarding treasures) the

(rest is missing)

July 27. Singapore

Arrived in Singapore this morning. We are staying at the Raffles hotel. apparently a very beautiful and historic place. From what I saw from the car window coming here from the train station, it didn't seem impressive. Very modern and almost forced cleanliness like a 3rd world attempting desperately and unrelentingly to appear to the rest of the world, as 1st. We arrived in a super rushed manner as always. This station (our final destination here in Singapore, sprang up on us in a surprise 5-min-til we're there kind of way. After 3 hours of sleep and the TERRIBLE fight we got in last night, we are both walking zombies today. I am of course still upset. Still hurt. and frankly feel like crying. But attempting to fake through it and pretend "it's all behind us now"... so as to not continue to fight about everything again. I know he's doing the same.
He came out on the patio when I was sitting just now writing to try to talk to me. Said he wanted to move forward all of that. Started great. Even though I was crying because of the heart sickness I am burdened with - The fight hang over plus meloncholy I felt about returning to the states and effectively ending our honeymoon. We don't have a place to go after this. We wanted to continue the adventure and go to Vietnam or something but the plane has to leave tonight - I hate that once again our plans don't hold up against the "powers that be" - whoever they are. That's particularly frustrating for me because I have no control over them. That's the thing. Even if I can get J to (illegible) a consensous on some plan of some sort - its never entirely respected, remembered - held. Think of the wedding date for christs sake. Now this!? Now the honeymoon too. That also is being bastardized by some oversight or something. "The plane is booked" Nathan said before adding "can you imagine how upset I was when I heard that?!" (on the day of before leaving Hamilton island to ?-sfort said journey. ON THE DAY?! THATS when they tell us our plan to continue traveling in Southeast Asia (because when are we going to be back in this "neighborhood"?!) until finally going back home in 7 days or so on the plane. So we had 2 options - surprise! - stay here and continue the adventure/honeymoon OR go home on the plane. ONE day after arriving here at our last train stop (singapore). Fucked up choice to have to make considering it forces us to pay for the cost of getting ourselves home (ever knowing there's the plane Disney covers) OR leaving not 3 days after arriving in Singapore, but ONE. Again - out of my control. Out of my hands. Other than now I am burdened with the unpleasant task of pushing for an early return home which isn't even home. He (*) its still being worked on as Laura/Kevin still aren't done. OR pushing for honeymoon to be prematurly over. when I don't want it to be.
Sitting out on the patio here of this beautiful hotel suit. J comes out to talk - I'm crying. dispelling pint up anger - rage - pain - looking for internal mental justifications for the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. Pent up anger. Left overs from last night, no doubt. A night that ended at 3:30 and was brutally interrupted by the trains emminent arrival to the Singapore station too early this morning after 3 hours of sleep - it has felt like an even more brutal heart-hangover. But, last night was particularly bad. We finally fell asleep, with one another smashed together in desperate child-like anger, fear and love - finally succumbing to the exhaustion and realization of the ultimately unavoidable futility. After hours of relentless arguing. Maybe we need to walk away and cool down. But why can't I when I'm upset? Why can't I?! I know it would help. Our fight was terrible. J finally at one point found himself with his shirt wrapped around my neck (amazing to think about the precision/coordination that required considering the circumstances). He hit me several times. I don't even know how I wound up with this huge rather annoying knot on the back of my head? Fuck, I hate that it went there. I hate that I allow it to by never using that as a line for which he can I stand my ground. Where are my (illegible - lines? bones? **)? do I have any left?

---------------

* either the "He" is supposed to be scratched or there's a word like "said" or "says" missing or I'm misreading it

** in the UK Judgment on pg 67, where part of this was transcribed, it says "Where are my cones?", but I doubt "cones" is the correct word.

date unknown, beginning missing

(...) the very same night we arrived in Frisco - getting back in your mustang and heading into Big Sur...
All of this is a longwinded way of looking at these memories and these experiences that we've accumulated in a couple of weeks... We already have four years behind us, and an entire lifetime to go!!!
I will forget none... The good, or the unpleasant - we are us and we are perfection... As far as I'm concerned, we build more and more beautiful memories every second of every day - and also... for me, everyday is and will be a celebration of our honeymoon and the memories we will continue to build well into our long and happy future...

Happy honeymoon, my love,
my best friend, my life...

Steve x

AUG 1, 2015

THAT'S ENOUGH!

You've held this book hostage long enough...

ALTHOUGH I CAN'T WAIT TO READ MY NOTE, I ALSO COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I
adore you!

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, EXTRAORDINARY, MAGICAL, MEMORABLE, WONDERFUL, stunning, SURPRISINGLY EVOLVING AND IMPULSIVE AND ADVENTURE.
I COULDN'T HAVE IMAGINED A MORE GORGEOUS
honeymoon.

I LOVE YOU MORE + MORE EVERY PASSING DAY
XX Slim

(DAY 2 OF BOOK-STEALING! I HAD TO.)                      2 AUG

My love -
       There is nothing on Earth I love more than waking up to your sweet soft beps in my ears or the intoxicating warmth of your touch upon slowly climbing out of my dreams.
I long for that. For the most beautiful start of my day. And even though we agreed last night and fell asleep with weight on our hearts, I still felt my day was only half-worth approaching having?, as it missed its most treasured start. I missed it sorely. as I miss you and your infectious company when your heart/mind is somewhere else. Of course I know things still sting in the morning, even if we managed to fall asleep in each others arms... but all I can say to that is I hope the things said in anger & pain were just that - and that you miss and love me too - and that is what matters most to you. You may say you stand by everything you said and did - and that there is nothing you can learn from this but I don't feel that way. And it's important for me that you know that. I love you. And I'm sorry. I miss my warm loving husband.

                            - Xx (sad) Slim

15 aug

My Love -
       Why do we fight?
Ever... why?! I love you more than anything else. Are we that uncomfortable with being vulnerable? Are we scared? Or is it something else? I don't know... but I am sure of one thing - and its that I can't imagine my life without you. I love you.

I will do better. I am sorry.
- X Slim

17 Aug 2015

Sunday 27.09.15
Los Angeles

My dearest Slim -
       "The race is not to the swift,
       nor the battle to the strong,
       but to those who can see it
       coming and jump aside."
                                   HST - The Rum Diary
Once again, even now, as he no longer resides here, Hunter's words come to our side...
Whatever it is that we want, we can have - we just need to get out of our own way so that we're able to follow HST's remarkably astute advice...
I love you and adore you - I can't express how sorry I am for having stooped so low, as to have spewed such vicious untruths for the sole purpose of hurting you - I am far from being proud of myself for such a grievous error!!! Shamefull... I will never allow myself to resort to such disgraceful and odious behaviour... no matter what!!! Let's take Hunter's advice, Baby... We've got a long and beautiful road stretched out ahead of us, my Slim... There's no reason in the world for us to not hit the fucker full throttle - there are no bumps, or divits visible, and when we see them coming, we'll just slow down and proceed with caution... or, jump aside. Come with me...

Please forgive my heinous behavior and for hurting the most precious and caring human being I've known... You are my dream, my world and the love of my life...

I love you, my wife...
                            Steve X

April (illegible)

Steve,
       last night was horrible, but
I refuse to let so many beautiful days, memories, love, roads built and bridges crossed, love made and gorgeous happy moments made with you over the past four weeks, be eclipsed by one bad fight. We have simply survived too many of them. And have had too much fun, love and history to do so. I am sorry I can get crazy. I am sorry I hurt you. like you, I can get wicked when I am hurt.... when I feel provoked. shattered. And last night I was. I felt abandoned about the Lily Rose thing. Felt absolutely bewildered about your not coming ome on my last night here, and was heart broken and angry after many attempts in vain on my part to rectify the situation and make ammends on my the last night of what was otherwise a gorgeous trip with you. I am so sorry for my part. None of this is meant to be an excuse for hurting you. Because the truth is, nothing is. There is never a reason good enough to hurt you. You are the last thing in the whole world who deserves it, last person I ever meant to hurt. I love you Steve. I am forever yours. Xx Slim