Both official and unofficial transcripts of the recordings, if available, are linked in the "transcript" column. Additionally they are also posted below the recordings and can be expanded individually or all at once, and I've tried my best to correct them.

Please keep in mind that NONE of the transcripts (neither unofficial, nor official, nor the corrected versions) are 100% reliable. Please don't use them as proof of what was said, but as aid to make the recordings easier to understand or to help find specific moments.

additional info (click to expand)

- Times of the recordings are, for the most part, based on their metadata (via metadata2go), but they may not necessarily be accurate.

- Whenever there are two download links for the recordings, the first one is the original file (m4a, mp4, mov), the second one was converted to mp3 and renamed to include the date in the file name.

- Exhibits not included here are the ECB footage, the drive to Coachella video and the house on the Bahamas videos.


info regarding the transcript corrections:

01) All notes and corrections I made are in italics. Non-italicized "[]" notes are from serpentineeyelash's transcripts.

more (#02 to #12) (click to expand)

02) I understand there's a difference between "inaudible" and "unintelligible", however, I only ever used "inaudible"


03) Whenever there is a note that only says that something is inaudible to me, I'm not saying that I don't think the transcript is correct, just that I can't tell one way or the other


04) I didn't necessarily correct stuttering/words being repeated and/or them correcting themselves if it wasn't already transcribed. So if for example "I-I-I wa... I don't want" or "I don't wa- I don't - I don't want" was only transcribed as "I don't want", I generally left it like this. If something was repeated for other reasons, for example just to reiterate, but it was only transcribed once, I generally did correct it.


05) I didn't make note of changes/corrections whenever:

a) I changed the order of/split the dialogue when they are talking over each other, meaning instead of

AH: "sentence 1"
JD: "sentence 2"
AH: "sentence 3"

I'd change it to

AH: "beginning of sentence 1"
JD: "sentence 2"
AH: "rest of sentence 1, sentence 3"

b) for very minor things, for example whenever

- I changed "want to" to "wanna", "going to" to "gonna", "I have" to "I've" etc.

- I corrected or changed the punctuation ("corrected" meaning for example changing "." into "?", "changed" meaning for example changing "," into ".", where both can be seen as correct)

- I fixed typos (like "mads" to "mad")

- I corrected grammar (like "what the other person say" to "what the other person says")

- I corrected tenses (like "we've had" to "we had") with maybe a few exceptions where the difference may have felt more important in regards to the meaning of what was said

- the words were correct, but the order slightly wrong, though the meaning basically the same (like "be more, you know" to "you know, be more" or "in a fucking Hitchcock movie" to "in fucking-- in a Hitchcock movie")


06) for search purposes I uncensored censored words ("f**k" --> fuck, "b*tch" --> bitch etc.), sorry if anyone has an issue with that


07) I changed words/sentences transcribed in ALL CAPS to not all caps, because there wasn't really any consistency in what was put in all caps and what wasn't and in this case the most important thing for me with these transcripts is to have what was said be right, not how it was said, as we do have the audios. Sorry if I missed individual words here and there, I only decided to do it when I saw all the CAPSLOCKED sentences in the phone call transcript after I had already gone through most of the other ones.


08) There may be a few times when I didn't add a "correction" note when I removed words that were transcribed, but weren't actually said (because initially I didn't know how to make a note of that and they were nothing major, like maybe a "to" at the end of an unfinished sentence, then when for the first time it was something more important, something that changed the meaning of what was said even just a bit, I decided to just at a "(corr.)" with only that in italics, so for example, the transcript said: "You're doing this whole thing to yourself.", the corrected version is: "You're doing this whole thing (corr.) yourself."


09) when I was unsure about something (for example: "I need to be the person to be like" or "I need to be the person who'd be like"), I either (usually with minor things) just left what was transcribed or, if it was really bothering me, I added a note explaining the issue/my thoughts on it


10) Apologies for inconsistencies regarding the corrections. Sometimes I added missing commas, sometimes I didn't bother, sometimes I added missing "like"s, sometimes I didn't etc., I removed a few "descriptions" (meaning for example "[laughs]"), didn't remove others. They are in my opinion minor things and even though I'd like to have been consistent, when you work on something over the course of weeks (or months or over a year, like I did with this communication project), it's difficult. In this case, I may have started out doing something one way and later realized it would be better to do it a different way. Or I decided on a "case-to-case" basis, depending on how much something bothered me. Or I may have been too tired/unbothered to correct minor things at one point, but not at another. Sometimes I felt like I was being too nitpicky, sometimes like I wasn't being nitpicky enough, etc. etc. I hope you understand.


11) With these corrections, no disrespect is meant to any of the people who have transcribed these recordings. I think we all understand how difficult they are to transcribe and I'm grateful for their work and they have all my respect.


12) I would really appreciate "feedback" on my corrections. By that I don't mean "please tell me what a good/bad job I did". What I mean is that if I made notes where I was unsure about things, I'd love to hear if you agree or disagree with what I'm hearing and/or what it is you're hearing. If I corrected something and you believe it's wrong, please let me know. If something is inaudible to me and you can hear (or think you can hear) what's being said or agree with what the original transcript says, please let me know. If you notice that I missed things (which I'm sure I did, I'd be surprised if I didn't), please let me know, etc. etc., so that maybe together we can make the transcripts as accurate, complete and "notes-free" as possible. :-)


Expand All --- Collapse All


May 24, 2014
Saturday

times based on metadata2go (21:00:03 (UTC-5), 02:11:45 am (UTC+0))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2014-05-24 09:00:03 pm (UTC-5) to 09:11:45 pm (UTC-5)			m4a mp3	n/a	Def221 --------------- Boston Plane

March 08, 2015
Sunday

times based on metadata2go (11:59:55 (UTC+10), 11:33:29 (UTC+0))

beginning of full recording: 11:59:55 am (UTC+10)
ending of full recording: 09:33:29 pm (UTC+10)
(which would make the full recording 9 1/2 hours long, but it's said to be 5 hours, so take the listed times or the 5 hours with a grain of salt)

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-03-08 n/a	n/a	n/a	n/a	official transcript (partial): Def381 (pdf)	Australia
2015-03-08 12:33:28 pm (UTC+10) to 12:33:55 pm (UTC+10)		00:33:33 - 00:34:00	m4a mp3	included in the transcript below	Plt380A --------------- Australia
2015-03-08 various/unclear			mp4	transcript combining the videos from the Daily Mail and Incredibly Average: txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Australia
2015-03-08 various/unclear			video on yt	see above	Australia --------------- the audio starts at 00:03:50 and ends at 00:32:55

official transcript
(note & page info added, no corrections made)
(click to expand)

official transcript (Def381)

(note: There are understandably mistakes, some more obvious (like "I'll her") than others, but in my opinion there's no point in trying to make corrections here with the lack of audio. As far as I can tell we do have pages 24 and 29 are included in the bits and pieces of audio that we got, so if I were to correct those, I'd probably correct them in the unofficial transcript.) page 1 = cover pages 2-11 missing page 12: Beautiful hotel. Everything ruined. So, all right, I'll keep you abreast of what's going on. (Indiscernible). What's that? (indistinct voices) 1:24:00 - 1:25:00 JJ: Somebody's going to have to tell (indiscernible) at some point. (Indiscernible). Man 1: (indiscernible). JJ: Yeah, it'll be covered, but they're going to have to know that this room -- Man 1: Can't we get a cleaning (indiscernible)? JJ: Yeah, well, I mean (indiscernible). As good as we clean the thing. Plus, (indiscernible) cleaners coming in (indiscernible) this shit. (Indiscernible). No difference, ay. Do we need -- in seriousness, do we need to take the new pictures to catalog? Man 1: You know what? I think you should. I think you should. I think you should. (Indiscernible). You should before they start cleaning in every room and pick up for themselves. JJ: Yeah. pages 13-23 missing page 24: (Indiscernible) down in the bar, he drank everything in the past week. (Indiscernible). She (indiscernible) and within two hours he'd taken 10 -- 10 ecstasy tablets. (Indiscernible) not the time to talk about it. If someone keeps supplying him, he's going to O.D. on this. (Indiscernible) she's (indiscernible) she have? (Indiscernible) talking about (indiscernible) tequila and (Indiscernible) vodka (indiscernible) because she said he didn't want you to smell it. When I (indiscernible) he was drinking kind of to calm down. He had started drinking. And then he picked up one of the bottles and threw it through the window. Right. I know he's asleep. (Indiscernible). But (indiscernible) I'm not (indiscernible) I'm not going to say that she did it or he did it. (Indiscernible) sink, but yesterday, she is stone cold sober. She doesn't smell of booze, so him or (indiscernible) I don't fucking know. If you were here and listened to the way she's talking to me, everything is (indiscernible). (Indiscernible). All she wants to do, all she needs to do is (indiscernible) get her the fuck out of pages 25-28 missing page 29: is we need (indiscernible). We need someone strong (indiscernible). (other party speaks) But I will say Ben has been upstairs with [CHARLES?]. He's talking to her and he has a way of just keeping her calm. You know what I mean? But what I was also saying is that we need to get this house back into shape. We need to get this house before anybody sees it, we need to get it cleaned up. Do you know what I'm saying? So what I'm going to do, I'm going to-- (other party speaks) (Indiscernible). I totally agree with you so, I want to see because Martin was already there. Martin's pulling his passport, but I can see what Martin wants to do and (indiscernible) I can do it, I'll her to the hotel and we can drive Martin down, drop Martin there and then go back in the morning and pick him up and take him to the airport. What I do not want to do at the moment is jeopardize what we're doing with Johnny because his finger comes first. And, you know what, (indiscernible) if she has to stay here an extra 24 hours to get him sorted out, fuck it, pages 30-31 missing pages 32-35: (...) him? JJ: Ben, I do, but I'm (indiscernible). Ben: Well, I just cleaned up last, a certain extent. JJ: I think -- (indiscernible). I mean that. (Indiscernible). At worst if you got your (indiscernible). I mean that. (Indiscernible). But where's your -- have you got your passport (indiscernible)? Ben: (Indiscernible). JJ: It's what? Ben: It's down there. JJ: In your apartment. You can always go back and get it, no? Ben: Just she seems to (indiscernible). (Whispering - indiscernible) JJ: I don't think she needs a firm hand. Ben: Right. JJ: She just needs someone to talk to and to look after (indiscernible). Ben: Speaking of cleaning up, how much do you owe? I would say we've lost the deposit on this one. JJ: Lost the deposit (indiscernible)? Ben: (Indiscernible) JJ: (Indiscernible) 50-75K. Ben: A week? JJ: No. That's what it's going to cost for this (indiscernible). Carpets and all. Ben: Oh, easily. Probably more. This floor will need re-doing because that's paint, isn't it? It probably will need a complete sanding. Whose going to have that conversation? JJ: (Indiscernible) I just got a "tsh" and "well, that's all blood. That can all come off" (indiscernible). Ben: Right. That's fine on the floor, but the paint. JJ: Maybe you can get it off. Ben: Maybe we'll get a -- we need to sanding back. Ben: (Indiscernible). It probably needs sanding back. JJ: (Indiscernible). Ben: (Indiscernible). JJ: Yeah? Ben: Yeah. That might be all right then. (Indiscernible) sweep it up. JJ: All right then. Ben: What happened there? Man 2: (Indiscernible). Ben: Bizarre. JJ: It's even on the lamp shade. Ben: Yeah. (indistinct voices) 3:34:00 - 3:35:07 JJ: Ben? Ben: Yes? JJ: Are you sure you'd be happy going? Ben: Yeah. We'll have to get lots of this done today, but it will still need (indiscernible). I just need to go back, put some stuff in a bag and (indiscernible). JJ: Okay. I'll get (indiscernible) to take you back (indiscernible). Ben: What do you mean? JJ: Okay, I can (indiscernible) to take you back to pick up your stuff and come back, but we have your car here. Ben: (Indiscernible). What do we do about (indiscernible)? (Indiscernible) tell her (indiscernible)? JJ: Just say Johnny's not very well and just keep everything (indiscernible). Ben: Yeah. JJ: It's a catch 22, isn't it? Ben: Someone's going to need to see it at some point. JJ: Yeah. Ben: So, that's a conversation. JJ: The television can be replaced. The carpets, they're gone. Ben: Yeah, (indiscernible). JJ: All we can do is just it up (indiscernible). Change the TV. Put it back the way it was clean the place back up and then (indiscernible) move out we'll see what the damage is. Ben: Yeah, it's going to cost a lot though. As long as nobody got killed, ay? All right (indiscernible). JJ: (Indiscernible). Man 1: What the fuck is on the table? JJ: Shall I start sweeping this up for you? Man 1: That would be cool. That would be brilliant. page 36 missing pages 37 & 38: trust you even more. Because apparently over the last two days Johnny has turned around and said (indiscernible), but I didn't say that and then she said (indiscernible) because Christie told me, becuase she (indiscernible). And she asked me what I suggest she do because she was ranting and raving (indiscernible). I've been sitting (indiscernible) with her three hours (indiscernible). (Indiscernible) get them to a hotel tonight (indiscernible) 10:30 for tomorrow and (indiscernible). (Indiscernible) stay here tonight and get her out of here tomorrow (indiscernible) clean the place up the best we can (indiscernible). She never realized how bad this house is (indiscernible). (Indiscernible). (indiscernible). How can we keep this quiet? How can we -- Right, I did (indiscernible), okay? (Indiscernible). Ben? Ben: Yeah. JJ: Got all that blood out. Ben: (Indiscernible). JJ: Over there. Ben: Where? Oh, off the floor. JJ: Off the floor, cleaned all these walls up and stuff. Ben: (Indiscernible). JJ: (Indiscernible). Ben: (Indiscernible). There's probably glass in the shower too. Probably just get them off that (indiscernible) first (indiscernible) to see what we're (indiscernible). Because (indiscernible). (Indiscernible). But you can't get a razor blade (indiscernible). JJ: (indiscernible) straighten out the table. Ben: We're going to need to resand that. Oh, this won't come off. (Indiscernible). Ben: (Indiscernible). JJ: The [COFFEE?] came off all up to here. (indiscernible). Ben: Where did we -- are you guys talking to [STEVEN AND LIZ?]? JJ: (indiscernible) at the hospital (indiscernible). He's talking and (indiscernible). Ben: I mean, I'm thinking what about page 39 missing pages 40 & 41: (indiscernible). She took medicine (indiscernible) puts you to sleep. I have an extra pill and I'm [NOT?] going to give her. Ben has said (indiscernible) last two or three (indiscernible). I'm helping Ben clean up the best we can. (Indiscernible) Ben will have to go home, pick up his passport and clothes to go with her in the morning. The flight? Her name is on the flight, but (indiscernible) the flight and Christi (indiscernible). Right. Okay. I don't -- (indiscernible) I still think one person will be good enough to go. I think Ben could handle it. I really do, but we need to get as much of this done as possible. What I'm most concerned with now is that if the owner sees the house he'll kick us out (indiscernible). I'm getting -- I'm making [LOUD NOISE OBSCURES]. I'm making it (indiscernible). I don't know. It's taking more cleaning up, but downstairs there's a mini-bar with a (indiscernible) on the countertop. (Indiscernible). The settee in there, he was sitting on (indiscernible) the blood from the front. I've washed the floor. The carpet. I've hid the TV. It's all cleaned up. But at least one of the settees is covered in blood. The big four-seater, all right? But there's paint all over the floor. We can't scrape it because we'll scrape the floor. I mean, it's a whole floor may have to be sanded back. (Indiscernible). Then downstairs he picked up the box that had the things that you play cards with, the fake money things, and that hit the window and that's the thing that the gardener would see. The TV, they tell me the TV is about 10 grand, 15 grand on its own. There are two pictures here (indiscernible) standing very sexy, the same picture, in a bikini with her hands on her breasts. And what he did with one of them, he painted -- he drew or painted a fake dick on her pussy. What? No, he just painted just -- so it's just a picture, but he was (indiscernible) one of her (indiscernible). So we'll get rid of all of that art and I'm not going to destroy -- there's quite a lot of that as well. I mean, we need -- looking at this, we need five to six hours. I'll carry on. If Ben pages 42-46 missing page 47: (inaudible Christi's voice on phone) JJ: Yeah. (Indiscernible). Okay (inaudible Christi's voice on phone) JJ: Okay. Yes it is. You're quite right. (Indiscernible). Saturday evening isn't it? It's Saturday evening. (inaudible Christi's voice on phone) JJ: Okay. Well, I know what (indiscernible) you know (indiscernible) can do. What I will do is once Ben -- I'm going to stay here till I get her in the car and he can stay here tonight and go with Ben to the airport, sit her on the plane we've got it lined up that I'm not going to let anybody in the house. And we're trying to keep a lid on this. One of the windows leading to the outside has been broke, and we're frightened the gardener will see it. So, like I said, we're going to take this a step -- (inaudible Christi's voice on phone) JJ: One of the windows has been broke between the house and outside. So, that can be seen from the outside. Other than that we'll just have to see what happens, okay? (inaudible Christi's voice on phone) pages 48-50 missing page 51 = certification page

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unofficial transcript
(notes added/no corrections made)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(note: at least for now I have only added a few notes to this transcript and will only correct specific parts if requested, for more info on that, please see my tweet) AH: I'm really sorry. JD: [inaudible] I'm leaving. I guess you're leaving Monday? I wish you fucking understood what you are, and who you are, and how you've fucked me over and made me feel sick - of myself! There's still light left in the day, maybe you should dye your hair to the roots! David Kipper (DK): You're heading out? JD: [inaudible] DK: Because there's still - there's is still time enough to get this put back on. He's gonna need a skin graft. Can you hear me? Otherwise he's gonna need a skin graft, probably. But I'm trying to find where they put the fingertip. Ben King (BK): [inaudible] Dr Kipper: Yeah look, she did this. Look, Ben. I can't find the fingertip. Debbie Lloyd (DL): Okay, what? DK: I can't find the fingertip. DL: Here is this blood. All this is all blood. DK: I know but it would have been - I looked, and it would have been where the initial injury- DL: Holy fuck. DK: Well, actually it could be in here too. DL: Wow, wow, wow. DK: Just so you know, I don't know if you can tell, but it shattered the bone. DL: Awesome. DK: [inaudible] but we shouldn't take it. DL: I'll show Nathan [inaudible]. DK: The majority of the blood, Debbie is downstairs, but I went through that really carefully. Oh wait, someone tried to clean something up. You know, I'm really concerned, because he's got a lot of paint. DL: A lot of pain? DK: Paint. He's got a lot of pain also. Blue paint - you saw it? DL: No. DK: Well, it's very vulnerable to getting infected. He's gonna need a skin graft. My reasoning, which may be wrong, is it should be where all the blood is, and that's down there. DL: Yeah, I'm gonna take it - let me go give this to Hans and then I'll come back and look. DK: Debbie? I've looked at it really carefully. Plus Ben's down there, he didn't - he didn't couldn't see it either. DL: Okay. DK: We couldn't find it. Alright, Jerry- [It sounds like a door slams from AH entering the room.] AH: It's not in the trash in the entrance, or- DK: My advice: Amber's gotta take care of herself, we've gotta take care of him. They can't be together now - it's gonna set her off, [inaudible]. (note: he might actually be saying "Just gonna send her off and (inaudible) come back.") So however, Amber, I think she should be in Los Angeles with her support system. And this has to run its course. And this is not gonna be one day, it's gonna be a few days. AH: How bad am I? [Starts crying] DL: I think someone needs to fly with her. DK: Jerry can fly with her. DL: She won't fly with Jerry. DK: She doesn't have a choice. DL: She told me [inaudible]. DK: To be honest, I don't give a shit. I mean, I don't - I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying, but- DL: No, but I was just wondering if there's another person. That's what I'm saying. DK: Well, I asked those same questions earlier. And it always comes back to Jerry [inaudible] for that reason: that he's not gonna be manipulated, he's a strong guy. DL: Um, yeah, is there a trash that has bandages in it? DK: Good work, Ben. [More banging noises and inaudible talking.] DK: Is he gone by the way? DL: Yes. Which I feel like they should have another car take him, if they can't come out to get him. DK: Now look through this. I looked through it once, and I didn't see anything that looked like flesh. If it's in here - oh, I bet it's in here. AH: [inaudible] all because I'm here, it's all because of me! DK: He's got this all over him. I mean, he's gonna get infected, so Deb, we have to set up [inaudible]. Looks like he tried to do something. DL: How big a piece of skin are we looking for? DK: You're looking at this: you're looking at like a third of the tip of his finger. And I mean, he's gonna get a cellulitis. AH: Johnny thinks, he thinks it's my fault! He thinks- DK: Maybe she should have something. AH: I love him! I never meant to hurt him! I didn't do it! DK: I told Ben we'd cover if the police investigate. DL: Can I give her Seroquel? DK: What? DL: 50 of Seroquel? [inaudible] AH: He needs me right now! Me! DL: She only usually takes 25. Do you want to go to 50? DK: Of the Seroquel? DL: Yeah. DK: I'd be okay with 100, but give her 50. Take her upstairs. I'll tell you what's going on right now, with her. This is guilt. This is guilt. DL: She won't take 50. I gave her 25 and 300 and said we'd reassess in a little bit. AH: [inaudible] over! And I feel like this is a nightmare! I don't want, I don't want to go if he stays. I don't want people talking about this! I don't feel like it! I am losing him! I don't want him to run away! I might never see him again! Jerry Judge (JJ): I understand. AH: Go back and say what? [JJ starts making a a series of phone calls. He seems to be whispering because he doesn't want AH to hear.] DK on phone: [inaudible] JJ: Ok, Ben's gotta put it - BK: [inaudible]. JJ: Yeah, put it [inaudible], mate. BK: [inaudible]. JJ: What do you want? We can take it straight to you, I can get him in the car with Hans, and he can drive straight now. What do you want me to do? DK: [inaudible] JJ: Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no. What we'll do: I'll get it, I'll put it in a bin [inaudible], okay? Okay, well [inaudible], okay? DK: [inaudible] JJ: Okay, that's good. Okay, I'll send it back then, okay? DK: [inaudible] [Unknown caller speaks.] JJ: Ben's gonna go as we speak. I'm staying. David's still not letting her talk to John. So you know what's going on. She made it quite personal: she can't trust me, because I told Christi - I told Christi that she called him a "fat old man. And I'm talking to her, and she's listening. She wants to go wherever he is. She knows she's going, but she thinks she's [inaudible] right now. AH: Did I do this to the whole floor? JJ: Sit down. [inaudible] AH: I'm going upstairs [inaudible]. JJ: Amber, how long since you took it? AH: And this was today, by the way. Not just the painting thing, and he just- JJ: Let's discuss the cabinet thing, and the glass window. Amber, maybe we should start sorting this out. [AH closes the door as she leaves.] JJ: She's upstairs at the moment. Christi Dembrowski (CD) on phone: [inaudible] JJ: No no no no, no, no, no. I think we can keep her, around Brisbane, Brisbane airport, and keep her well hidden. CD: [inaudible] JJ: At the moment, he's in Malcolm's room. He is asleep. He's sleeping like a baby, so he's good. And I'm talking to her, and hopefully she'll let us do what we wanna do. But she hasn't given me a final answer that she'll go. She doesn't want to go home. She wants to stay here and see him. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Well, Ben's saying - Ben is saying she's happy, and he's happy to go with her. So, you know, I've got her talking to me, and she keeps crying, she keeps holding my hand. She's made it quite clear to me, she said: "I thought I trusted you, and I don't because you told Christi that I called Johnny a fat old man. And I said "yes I did. And I said- CD: [inaudible] JJ: No, no - I'm - she turned around and said, "Johnny had a phone call at five different times over the last couple weeks, saying his sister said that Jerry told him. Look, this is what she was saying to me. I said: "Amber, you said a bunch of things, but I'm not gonna lie to you. I told you I would never lie for you or to you, and I won't lie to Johnny. So, she is talking to me. She's obviously crying up and down, up in her room. And they gave her some meds. And Debbie said - Debbie said she'd sleep for two or three hours. Just so you know, I've still got another one in my pocket, which David gave me and said "if she wakes up too early, give her another one and she will sleep through the night. So we're deciding what to do and we're hoping she'll crack. CD: [inaudible] JJ: I don't know if we can, but we've all got to get her on that plane in the morning. Ben's happy to fly with her. But what we also need to do is get this place cleaned up. This- CD: [inaudible] JJ: Well, look, I've already played with the devil once. I'm happy to do so. I'm happy to answer. Doesn't bother me at all. I'm happy to get her back and hand her over, and - and then we let nature take its course. But I've already said to Stephen, tomorrow has to be cancelled, filmwise has to be cancelled, okay? He's in no fit state. He's in no fit state. CD: [inaudible] JJ: I'm obviously still talking, she didn't [inaudible]. I'm still talking to Amber, she's hearing what I'm saying but- CD: [inaudible] JJ: Okay. Okay. Okay, alright, I hear what you're saying. I'm just - look, I've seen Johnny hurt, I've never seen him this hurt ever. I'm not saying that he wrecked this place. I mean, it's wrecked. The window's broken, the TV... She did it. There was a cup thrown, it missed. There's been bottles thrown, and she - she admits to me she threw the first - she threw a bottle at him. She did it first. She admits to me that, and I said to her, '[inaudible]', and she says 'I disagreed and refused to do it, in my temper.' And he was shouting at her, screaming at her. She has scratches on her left arm, which Debbie told about. Look, I've seen those scratches before on other people, and as far as I'm concerned, they're self-inflicted. I'm convinced of that, self-inflicted. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Christi, at the moment, at the moment, I'll do a deal with the devil and calm this lady down. Because we'll be sending a car to Kipper [inaudible]. "We need you on this to get this whole thing calmed down. And you know: "I've been hurt this, I've been hurt that, he started this, and I can understand why. And she admitted, also, that she hit him first. She actually hit him in the face. JJ: But he has a small burn on the right-hand side of his face, which she says - CD: [inaudible] JJ: I've seen that yesterday, and she says - she said on Friday he got a cigarette and put it out on his own face. With a cigarette, he was so out of it. [At some point, perhaps here, JJ calls Stephen Deuters (SD).] JJ: He - he's not well. We need to help him out in every way we possibly can. But we need to talk about how to convince her. She's not doing any good here. She's still sometimes listening, sometimes not, and I said: "You can't help him, you can't. You two need to be separated. You can speak on the phone, but you need to leave him alone. By the way, we have now found a piece of flesh from the top of his finger, okay? It's packed in ice. It's on its way back to - I've already spoken with Malcolm - it's packed in ice and it's on its way back now in a bag wrapped up with Hans. He just thinks it's Johnny's bandage. And I'm still - I'm still talking to her. I'll be honest with you, she is responding to me. She breaks down every 5 minutes. She's made it quite clear that he has told her I'm on the last two weeks of my job, but she said "I have stood up for you so many times, but how could you let me down by telling Christi that I called him a fat old man? And I said, "I did, because I'm not gonna lie for you Amber - I'm not lying to John. And then 5 minutes later, 5 minutes later she said "Do you think he loves me? SD: [inaudible] JJ: No, I'll cancel that for now until we can - right, she pretends that she's going to go there peacefully, to LA. Ben has said he'd go with her, but Christi said "May I ask it be you or Malcolm? It has to be someone strong in case she kicks off. So, we hope that we've convinced her to go and stay in a hotel. I'll go and ask her, just in case. And I'll see what Malcolm wants to do. I'll see what Malcolm wants to do. Because Malcolm has said - not him, his mum said, his mum called, sorry - if he wants to fly home back to England, I'll send him. If not, I'm gonna be heading to LA with her to get her out of here. Look, it's all hit and miss. It's all, one minute she agrees, and "no I'll stay here. I tried to get her earlier to go back her bags, to get her out of here tonight and go back. SD: [inaudible] JJ: Stephen, I'll tell you, I've been budgeting this out: there's fifty to seventy-five thousand worth of damages here. There's blood everywhere. And we'll clean it up. There's three settees, at least two of them are covered in blood, which is bad 'cause we won't get it all off. The bedroom upstairs is a fucking- SD: [inaudible] (note: the next part is what we get on page 24 in the official transcript (up until "get her the fuck out of") JJ: Down in the bar, he drank everything in the last week [inaudible]. Her words were: "Within two hours he took ten, ten ecstasy tablets. SD: [inaudible] JJ: Once this is all over, this is not the time to talk about it - I'm saying, I'm frightened, if someone keeps supplying him, he's gonna OD on this. She said "But on top of that, he drank tequila. He drank vodka. She said "how good can vodka cover the breath? Because she said he didn't want me to smell it. When I came down to help him, he was drinking, okay? He calmed down, he did stop drinking for Kipper. And then he picked up one of the bottles and threw it through the window. SD: [inaudible] JJ: Right, um, I know he's asleep at the moment, resting. SD: [inaudible] JJ: Look, hang on a second, I'm not disagreeing. I'm not gonna say she did it, or he did it. But I found bottles that were empty, and David's not done it, and David has said it hasn't been poured down the sink. But when I got here today, she was stone cold sober - she doesn't smell of booze. So if you can, find out more from him. I can't say, I don't fucking know. Stephen, if you were here now and listened to the way she's talking to me: everything that's happened here is completely Johnny's fault. SD: [inaudible] JJ: I don't think she needs that. All she wants to do - all she wants to do is - SD: [inaudible] JJ: Look, Stephen, I'll admit, I'll give her anything to get her the fuck out of here. (note: end of page 24 of the official transcript) That's all I wanna do. And Christi said, "what if she declines? I said, I will tell her everything that she wants to hear, but we need her the fuck out of here. She's gotta go home. BK: I said I'd give her a couple minutes - that was what went at the TV, or-? JJ: No, looks like a cup hit the TV. Yeah, the cup hit the TV. BK: Could be evidence. JJ: I'll be honest with you: I think she did it. BK: You do? JJ: I'll tell you why. I think she was here, and I think she did it, because he's normally sitting over there. Wouldn't make any fucking difference. Doesn't make any fucking difference, does it? BK: No. Um - I said I'd give her a couple of minutes and help her finish packing. JJ: I need to know. I need to know what time. BK: [inaudible] hotel [inaudible] see if she up for it. JJ: Let me know, and I'll get onto Christi. BK: I'll let you know as quick as I can. JJ: Be careful mate. Even when she's in there, up in her room, she listens to you. BK: Does she? JJ: Do you think she's doing coke? Maybe she did that? You think she's using coke on the side and that screws with her medicine? BK: [inaudible] JJ: You know who could have got it? Nathan. BK: [inaudible] coming by to get this place cleaned. JJ: Listen to me, if it was Nathan, I'd have to make myself just walk out 'cause I'd get angry. And if she's got him paying for it, then Nathan's probably gonna lose his job. BK: [inaudible] I don't know. It's an impossible situation. JJ: Do you think it's 75 K, damages? BK: Oh easily, probably more. JJ: It is. It is. He's awake - I presume he's awake. That's what they're saying. Hans said they just left the hotel. So I'm assuming he's awake, for them to take him down there to have it done. And I will say, it is true, the quicker you get it done, the quicker it takes, it'll heal a lot quicker. Okay? Let's see if we can just get the room, two rooms in my name or whatever, two rooms just using my name, and then we'll see what she wants to do. She's changing her mind every five minutes, okay? Unknown woman on phone: [inaudible] JJ: Yeah. I understand. Okay. Unknown woman: [inaudible] (note: the next part, starting with "is, we need", is what we get on page 29 of the official transcript) JJ: Well, he's taking her. I'll be honest with you, I believe - I do believe the way she is, we need - if she kicks off, we need someone strong like me or Malcolm to be with her. But I will say, Ben has been upstairs with her for two hours, he's been talking to her, and he has a way of just keeping her calm. What I do not want to do at the moment is jeopardize what we're doing with Johnny, 'cause his finger comes first. And you know what, seriously love, if she has to stay here an extra 24 hours 'till we get him sorted out, fuck it, (note: end of page 29 of the official transcript) she stays here for another 24 hours if we have to. 'Cause Johnny, Johnny's more important. Unknown woman: [inaudible] JJ: I'll be honest with you as well: the way she talks, she's breaking down and crying, but at the same moment she's packing her bag. So she knows what she's doing. I don't think she intends to do anything stupid. Unknown woman: [inaudible] JJ: Well, she keeps saying "I don't want to lose him, I don't want to leave him. And I am saying to her, "Look, he needs some time on his own, and then when he's on his own, we'll remind him and then you two can talk on the phone, and then you can come back. But, no matter what happens, she needs to leave Australia, to get the fuck out of here. She really does. And that's Kipper's idea apparently. Unknown woman: [inaudible] JJ: She says he'd done at least a bottle of vodka, a bottle of tequila, and she reckons he took ten ecstasy tablets that were in the bag. Unknown woman: [inaudible] JJ: And the other thing that she has made quite clear to me: she said "I stood up for you on a number of occasions, and I trusted you, but I don't trust you anymore. Because apparently over the last two weeks, Johnny has turned around and said "you're with a fat old man. I didn't say that. And she said, "yes you are, because Christi told me 'cause she said that Jerry told me. And she asked me, and I said: "Yes I did. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Hello. Ok, we're still talking, and I'm trying to clean up as much as we can. She seems to be quite happy, I'm asking her. And she seems to be happy if Ben travels with her. Now, she's also saying to me, if I stay here, do I promise that I'll keep her up to date on what's happening to him, and I said I would. She's still upstairs, she hasn't come down yet. We think she might be sleeping. Now, my question - my question is to you, are you happy for that to happen? So I don't care either way. I'm happy to travel to LA and drop her off. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Christi, I'll be honest with you, I'll be honest with you. She knows exactly what she's doing. CD: What? JJ: She knows exactly what she's doing. CD: [inaudible] JJ: No, I'm saying Amber. Amber, she does. She's not a fool. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Yes, exactly. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Exactly. Now - CD: [inaudible] JJ: Yeah, yeah, pick him up and bring him through, get a car and take it to the apartment. And I've asked her, "would she go and see her shrink? She said she would. And as soon as she's calm, and as soon as David has given his medication and medically gets [inaudible] sorted out, then maybe later on, in a week, in two days or in seven, whatever David tells us, that maybe then we should talk. And she keeps obviously doing the usual thing and breaking down in tears, saying "should I go, should I go, should I go? CD: [inaudible] JJ: Yes. "Shall I leave, shall I leave, shall I stay here and wait? And I just said "Look, I'll be honest with you, they don't want you to see him, because at the moment, that's the problem. And at least she's listening, but I mean every 5 minutes she's bursting into tears. CD: [inaudible] JJ: Now, what I will say to you is that I know David's working on it. I've just spoken to Stephen. They're at the hospital waiting for the hand surgeon to come in, to try and fix Johnny's finger. So that's okay, alright? Alright. AH: I was upstairs, trying to pack, and I found bags of coke and whatever else. JJ: How much did you find? AH: Empty bags. JJ: Empty bags? May I ask, how many did you find? AH: Two. Two. One had been - one looks like it used to be crushed up coke. Um, the other one has coke everywhere. JJ: [inaudible] AH: That means it's coke he's hiding from me. All on top of Xanax, Adderall, ecstasy, and hallucinogens. AH: I hate that he hates me. I hate that I'm the one that has to deal with all the hurt. You know, I mean, I hate that I'm the element that really sets it off. I hate that, Jerry. I don't want to be that. I really hate it. Jerry, my heart's already broke and I feel like I'm not gonna get him back. JJ: I don't believe that. That's not my point of view. I don't believe that for a second. AH: You know, I wanted - I was trying to make a very calm rational point, and it's hard to tell somebody, you know it's hard to tell sometimes, before he goes off the deep end of course. And I was trying to talk to him, rationally and stuff, and then of course it's, you know, a fight. Before we can even process, we're in the same awkward position. JJ: [inaudible] AH: Sorry, I feel so stupid, Jerry! I brought all my stuff over here, I shipped things. And I fucked up. I feel so stupid. I feel like I'm really lost. JJ: [inaudible] I'll tell you as best I can. AH: Thank you guys so much. I'm so sorry. JJ: It's all part of the job, sweetheart. It's all part of the job. It's all part of the job. [inaudible] put all this in the garage? BK: You reckon we roll this up? JJ: Yeah. BK: And we probably need to think about what to replace it with. [Inaudible. AH walks toward the audio recording.] AH: Jerry? JJ: Yeah? AH: So, we don't have the hotel yet...

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March 26, 2015
Thursday

times based on metadata2go (04:01:15 am (UTC-7), 14:22:03 (UTC+0))

beginning of full recording: 04:01:15 am (UTC-7)
ending of full recording: 07:22:03 am (UTC-7)

According to JD WS04 read out by Elaine Bredehoft during JD's depo pg 979, this was recorded on March 26, 2015, at 11:01:16 pm, UTC not mentioned. If we're assuming this was UTC+0 and the "pm" was meant to be "am", the time matches the one listed by the Metadata site (off by one second).

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-03-26 04:02:16 am (UTC-7) to 04:03:44 am (UTC-7)		00:01:01 - 00:02:29	m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt371A --------------- "I see somebody who's changing"

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

AH: I see somebody who is changing, always, into different versions of a person that I recognize for a brief moment, and then he slips away and he disappears. And then I get a different version of him. I get the insecure scared version of him that lashes out in a different medium every time. So if it's Adderall junkie Johnny, then he's abusive and he's a bully and he's a tyrant and he's mean and he's reactionary and he's incendiary, and anything I do and say is calls for violence or anger. If I speak to him honestly and bluntly from the heart, I'm yelling at him. If I argue back with him, then I'm abusive. If I don't say anything, then I am dismissive or absent or “what's wrong, (corr.) you're somewhere else". If I engage with him, I'm part of the problem, I'm yelling, I'm mean. If I don't engage with him, then I'm part of the problem. No matter what I do, I'm fucked. Because if I look at him the wrong way, he (corr.) has a problem. If I say the wrong thing, God knows what it is, I'm the problem. I'm the problem, (corr.) either way. That's the guy who's on a bunch of fucking speed.

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July 12, 2015
Sunday

time based on metadata2go (13:27:37 (UTC+0))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-07-12 06:27:37 am (UTC-7)		00:03:30 - 00:04:12	m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt390A --------------- regarding recording each other

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

AH: I saw you doing it earlier, whatever... JD: (corr.) Doesn't matter AH: ... it's fine. It's secretive. It's deceitful. You already fucking - you got - you had trouble with me, before, when you said to me that you didn't feel like you (corr.) were told when I was recording you. So please stop. JD: You - you didn't tell me. AH: Please stop. JD: You did not tell me. AH: Please stop. JD: Fucking acknowledge what I'm saying before you keep making demands! You are not a schoolteacher! AH: Okay. Okay. JD: Shut the fuck up, listen to me, and then you can fucking respond! Understand? You ain't nobody's fucking mom, you ain't no schoolteacher, don't fucking pretend to be authoritative with me! (note: After JD's "Shut the fuck up" Amber says something while he's still talking, so it's difficult to hear, but I think it's "Don't tell me to shut up".) AH: Okay, fine. (note: I think she started saying "leave it on", difficult to hear, and then said or repeated it at the end.) JD: You don't exist! AH: Leave it on.

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September ??, 2015
(around Sept 12-14, 2015, during the Toronto Film Festival)

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-09-?? time unknown		00:19:40 - 00:25:25	mp4 mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt342A --------------- "I don't wanna be with you", ring throwing, "Wanna smack my ear again?" --------------- the last ~56 seconds of this clip are the first ~56 seconds of Def839
2015-09-?? time unknown			m4a mp3	see above	Def839 (= Plt345) --------------- file title says "7-8-16 clip 2", but the Toronto audio must have been recorded in September during TIFF

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

Plt342A AH: ... hours? JD: I don't care. AH: Do you understand why ten minutes downstairs didn't seem real? JD: I don't care. I don't care. AH: Did you hear what I said? JD: I don't care. I don't care. AH: You do care. JD: There's plenty of things you've done – plenty of things you've fucking done – that were absolute fucking lies. AH: I didn't ever – JD: And I'm not gonna talk with you about it. So anyway, I'm leaving. So I'll see you in a (corr.) bit, yeah? (note: I don't think that first sentence is entirely correct, but I can't figure out what he's actually saying.) AH: Is that what matters? JD: Your (corr.) lies? AH: Is this what matters to you, your party? JD: Your lies matter to me. AH: I never lie to you. And what we're talking about tonight is what... (corr., sounds like:) Who are you? Why? Why are you doing this? JD: I'm leaving. I'll be back. AH: But why? JD: 'Cause I'm leaving. AH: What is it that is so important always to run away to? Why? JD: To run away, yeah I run 'cause I'm a coward. AH: Why (corr.) don't you, today? You asked me once not to leave, and I'm asking you. So why, every five seconds, do I get "I'm leaving" – JD: [inaudible] AH: – "because there's a fucking movie party I gotta go to"? I have never prioritized you behind that! And you of all people, of all people, all this talk, about not being that guy! You have done nothing over the last two days but tell me that your movie parties (corr.) were more important, including the night before last, when I said to you the same thing: "Stay!" And today you apologized, said "I love you, I'm so sorry." And then today it takes you two seconds, it takes you twenty seconds at most, to go: "fuck that, I hate you, I don't want to be with you, goodbye, I'm leaving, I'm running away, but I'm not running, I'm walking away." JD: Well, one thing is for sure: I don't want to be with you. I don't. I really don't. AH: Then, if you don't want to be with me in life – JD: Goodbye. AH: Then you need to actually do it. You need to actually take off your ring, and forget that five hours ago you said the opposite. Otherwise, you can't keep throwing that around. You can't keep saying to me that this is something you care about. [JD throws his ring on the ground.] JD: There you go. AH: Is that what it's worth to you? JD: Yeah. Yeah. For you. From all this bitching, from all these rules, all this – AH: Rules, 'cause I asked you to stay? JD: Look, because you— AH: 'Cause I asked you to stay? JD: No, because you're a fucking harpy. AH: What was it? What was it, when you asked me to stay? What was it when you asked me to stay? JD: 'Cause you're a pain in the ass, and I can't stand it no more. AH: What was it when you asked me to stay? In Australia, you said "you promise me not to leave". You said, "do you promise me not to leave?" What did I do? JD: I thought you would change. AH: What did I do? JD: Not change. AH: What did I do? JD: Not change. AH: Did I stay or did I leave? Did I stay or did I leave? JD: You stayed, and you didn't change, and you were a fucking pain in the ass, and you were a cunt. (note: during JD's "you were a fucking pain in the ass", you can also hear Amber say "I stayed.") AH: So I stayed, and I've been a cunt ever since? JD: Pretty much. AH: Which is why you told me about every other day how you couldn't imagine your life without me, including today. So, which one? (note: I don't think she says "one", but I don't know what she actually says instead.) JD: When you're good – (note: he's repeating this during Amber's second "Does that seem normal to you" with a few added words that I can't understand) AH: Does that seem normal to you? Does that seem normal to you? You told me tonight... (corr.) JD: Let me... AH: ... that you couldn't imagine your life without me, and now you're throwing your ring on the ground. Does that seem normal? JD: Let's have you tell me about – AH: Does that seem sober? (corr.) You seem... you seem normal? JD: 'Cause you're the definition of normal, you. (note: can't tell if he says "cause you're" or something about her telling him what the definition of normal is) AH: Does that seem normal? JD: You. You. AH: Does that seem normal to you? JD: Borderline personality disorder. AH: I'm borderline personality disorder now? JD: Without question. AH: When I've been consistent all night saying: "Don't go, don't fuck this all up." I'm not fighting with you anymore. I've been saying this to you the whole night. I'm really sorry we disagree. You're not perfect. I said this two hours ago: I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. JD: I love you, but me comes first. AH: But we don't have to do this every time we disagree. JD: No. No we don't, but we do. AH: Please... JD: (But?) We do. AH: ... please come here. JD: And you have... AH: Please come here. JD: ... every insult – AH: Please come here, I'm not insulting you, I have not been insulting you! I love you! Johnny, what do you (corr.) need me to do? I love you! Stop! (note: JD says something between "insulting you" and "I love you" that I can't understand) JD: (corr.) Wanna smack me (corr.) on the ear again? AH: I love you. JD: (corr.) Wanna smack my ear again? (corr.) So it fucking resounds in my fucking (corr.) cranium? Would you like that? AH: I love you. JD: No? AH: I love you. I'm sorry (corr.) I hit you. I love you. (corr.) You love me. (note: Amber's 2nd "I love you" is when Plt342A and Def839 start to overlap) JD: I love you too. No, no, but I don't love you that much. (note: I thiiink he says "you know, you know" instead of "no, no") AH: (corr.) You do love me. JD: No I don't. I do not love you that much, to give up myself. No... AH: You're not giving up yourself. JD: ... I do not. I will not give up myself. And you want me to (corr.) fucking be some kind of perched goddamn parrot, or a fucking weird frenzied dog. No, I won't be it. (corr.) You know? AH: I don't want you to be a frenzied dog. I'm trying to talk to— JD: Or your goddamn fucking lover... AH: Calm down! JD: ... Tasya Fantasia. AH: Calm down! Calm down! JD: I'm not gonna be that shit, man. AH: Baby, stop! JD: No. I don't want to be with you. AH: Stop, baby. Stop. JD: If these are the fucking rules, fuck that. AH: No rules, you're making this whole thing. You're doing this whole thing (corr.) yourself. JD: Oh, really? AH: No one's fighting with you. JD: I'm making this up, really? Yeah. That, above all else, is an insult. Def839: AH: You have a problem with goodbyes. (note: this is inaudible to me) JD: No, no, no. AH: Baby, you've got a problem. JD: I know what goodbye is. AH: Baby, you've got a problem. JD: I know what goodbye is. AH: We have a problem. (note: I don't hear "we", I think she says "You've got a problem." again, but not sure.) JD: You have a problem. You have many problems. AH: Stop. JD: And my goodbye... AH: Stop! It doesn't have to be... JD: ... is real. AH: ... like this every time. You do this every time, and every time you say: "I'm sorry, I was mad." Stop. JD: Every time I do this? Really? AH: Yes. JD: You were the one to leave in Australia. AH: Really, every time you do this – JD: You were the one to leave in Australia. AH: That was months ago. That was like six months ago. JD: Oh, really? When did I... When did I leave you? When? AH: When did I leave you? JD: When did I leave you? AH: When did I leave you? JD: When did I threaten to leave you? AH: When did I leave you? JD: Wasn't that your case in Australia? You were leaving. AH: You stopped me. You asked me to not go. You asked me (corr.) not to go. JD: (corr.) Mh-hm. It was just like that, wasn't it? Quick. AH: And I did stop. And take a fucking breath. That's all I'm asking. I'm not asking you to make a decision. I'm just saying can you take a breath. JD: Sure. [Footsteps, then the sound of a glass being put down.] (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: What are we supposed to do? What do you want? AH: Pardon? JD: What are we supposed to do? What do you want? AH: Oh, I [inaudible, probably about Xanax]. You've just been unable to calm down like you used to (corr.) be. Baby, calm down a little bit [inaudible]. (note: I'd say the inaudible part "could" be about Xanax, I wouldn't say "probably" despite what follows) JD: Oh look, you're my nurse. AH: Well, I don't know, you don't have to, right, but I thought before I might. (note: the "I might" is inaudible to me) But now, I don't know what to do with you, right. You're still abnormal. It doesn't make sense. JD: Really? AH: Yes, because every little simple fight has caused to you to say the worst shit you can say to another human being. You have no control over yourself. JD: What about you? (note: the "what about" is inaudible to me) AH: I have not said these things to you. JD: Do you have control over yourself? All the things you've said to me? AH: I have not said these things to you. JD: (corr.) Do you have control? (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (corr.) JD: No, no, throw it away. (note: "it" being the Xanax) AH: And you even turned down the Xanax! It's right here by the door, okay? (note: this is nitpicking, but I'm not sure if she said "turn" or "turned") JD: [inaudible] AH: Well, if you choose to take it (corr.) or not. I don't know what I've said to make you mad now! But since you're clearly not responding progressively— JD: [inaudible] AH: [laughs] What else can I do, but try and tell you I care about you? JD: [inaudible] AH: Okay, but do you hear how ridiculous you are right now? Do you hear it? You're fucking running away, again, because I told you you can't calm down. It's a case in point. JD: [inaudible] AH: Okay, well, your behaviour is making you sick. JD: [inaudible] AH: Oh don't worry, you're basically screwing up. (note: not sure if it's "screwing up" or "screwing that up"?) It's right there at the door, okay? [inaudible] AH: I've give you some wine. I mean, did you just take one? Did you just take one, and that helped? (note: Everything before "some wine" is inaudible to me and she says something afterwards, too, that's missing. Also not sure about "that helped" at the end.) JD: What? AH: A Xanax. JD: (corr.) I don't know. You got wine in here? AH: No, I have this. I don't know which one. JD: That glass? AH: Yeah, of course. JD: Do you mind? Are you sure? AH: I'm (corr.) I was gonna pour you (corr.) wine. JD: An alcoholic? Are you sure? AH: I don't have any control over how much you drink. But you don't have any control over whether I tell you the truth or not. Have you changed lately? Yeah, you've changed. JD: Mmm, well, your truth is really interesting too. AH: (corr.) Okay, yeah? Well I'm the first person that's noticed. JD: (corr.) Alright, give me a glass of wine, please, so I can go downstairs. AH: Okay. Yes, your escape route, I see. JD: I'm not escaping, I'll be back in a few minutes. AH: (corr.) No, of course, fifteen minutes, just like last time. JD: Fifteen. AH: Just like last time, when I had to pull you out of the bathroom. Well I didn't (corr.) have to pull you out of the bathroom, but— JD: Bathroom? What are you talking about? AH: When you passed out naked in the bathroom, in there. JD: Did you pull me out? AH: I tried to. JD: Really? AH: Yeah. JD: (corr.) How? Did you get inside? AH: I didn't get inside. JD: Well then, how did you try to pull me out? AH: By pounding on the door and waking you up every 15 minutes, and then falling asleep next to the door trying to hear you snore, in case that you vomited, I could call (corr.) EMS if you ever stopped snoring. (Note: EMS = emergency medical service) JD: 'Cause you were afraid I was gonna die? AH: I thought you'd choke on your own vomit, which is very likely with you. JD: Really? AH: Yes. Very likely? JD: (corr.) Do I vomit a lot? AH: Yes. JD: Do I? AH: Yes you do vomit a lot. In your sleep, even more. JD: Really? AH: Oh, it's news to you? Then this is affecting you a lot more than I thought it was. JD: [laughs] Amber, you're so good. I hope, I hope so. AH: What? You don't vomit a lot, are you gonna tell me (corr.) that... look me in the eye and tell me you don't vomit a lot. Go on, tell me. You don't vomit a lot? JD: Only when I'm with you. AH: You're always with me. [JD makes fake gagging noises.] AH: Have you ever been provoked, by a child? Does it really hurt? (note: doesn't sound like "hurt" to me, not 100% sure about the "really", either, but can't tell what she says) (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Doesn't really provoke you, does it? It makes you feel kinda sad. JD: I don't know, it's weird. I've had children. Have you? I mean at 30, you must have by now. AH: Oh really? You've (corr.) got children? JD: Yeah. Why haven't you? (note: I think he says "But" instead of "Why", but I'm not sure.) AH: It's a miracle. JD: Fucking eh, it's a miracle. AH: Your miracle. JD: You bet. Say something bad about it. AH: Why would I (corr.) ever do that? Why would I ever do that? JD: Well... AH: Not paranoia or anything. JD: Well, 'cause you're so smart and have such a really great take on everything... [Sniffing noise.] JD: ... and every... everybody... AH: Yeah, rely on everyone to help you out. JD: ... knows how brilliant you are. AH: Rely on everyone to help you out. JD: Well obviously you're brilliant, I must. AH: [laughs] Rely on everyone to help you out. JD: Because certainly you have no faults. AH: Rely on everyone to help you out. JD: I don't. Unfortunately I rely on me. (note: I think he says "I don't know", but I'm not sure) AH: (corr.) Oh, really? JD: Yeah. We had a good tryst there for a while, it was fun. In any case, there's more fun to be had, isn't there? AH (speaking quietly close to the tape): I do love very much. I mean I love you so much. (note: She's speaking close to the tape, yes, but while she's not speaking particularly loudly, I wouldn't say she's speaking quietly, either. JD doesn't seem to hear it, but that's because he's not close to her.) JD (in the distance): So I'm leaving now. AH: I love you with all that I have been able to give you. JD: I can't hear you. AH: I have tried. I have tried now. JD: If you wanna talk, I can't hear you, I'm sorry. AH: I have tried. I am trying. I tell you I love you. And everything that I have done, tonight - JD: (corr.) (inaudible), I can't hear you. (note: transcript says "Come out of there", which he definitely doesn't say, it sounds to me like "Good night, Amber.", which would also make sense as he's about to leave, but definitely "Amber" instead of "of there") AH: Other than try (corr.) and tell you that. JD: What? AH: I asked you to stay. JD: I cannot hear you. I'm leaving. AH: I said will you please do what you asked me to do. I ask you to stay. You can choose to split, because your fucking stupid fucking party. And I don't care what it's about, it's a party... is more important than me, or not? But choose that, like you have the night before. JD: I'm leaving because I'm sick of you. AH: You're leaving because you got crazy last night and you haven't been able to deal with it. JD: 'Cause I'm done. AH: I have told you a million times, I am sorry for criticizing you. But you're splitting because you want to go to a party. JD: You're sorry for criticizing me? You said that? Check your tape. AH: I have my fucking tape. JD: Check it. AH: But I asked you, I asked you to not leave, because you made a promise to me, in front of our families. And (corr.) because of... our friends heard it, my mother heard it, who (corr.) is by the way- JD: Your mum understands why I walk out this door. AH: My mother, if you wanna ask her what she thinks- JD: She understands. AH: (corr.) Really? [Inaudible] AH: I do love you too. I do. I want you to ask her, if she understands what you do. We'll see what she says. You asked me [inaudible]. But I am asking you to- JD: You have too much on your mind. You talk too much. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: There's too much you've done. AH: Every fight that we get into, every argument, every argument that we get into, cannot result in this. And you've created this from the time it happened until now. JD: You invent your entire fucking life... AH: I have asked - JD: ... and it's sad. AH: I have asked you... JD: It's sad. AH: ... just the same way that you asked me. JD: You're inventing your entire existence. AH: You asked me... JD: [inaudible] It's fucking sad, and it makes me fucking sick. (note: the inaudible part sounds like something about "people on set" to me) AH: ... you asked, you asked me, you asked me- JD: Listen, don't ask. AH: You asked me to stay. In Australia. JD: Well don't. AH: You asked me... JD: Don't. AH: ... to stay. JD: Don't stay now. AH: You asked me to stay. JD: I did. But don't. AH: Stop. We are the fucking perfect ship. (note: not sure about the "we are") JD: Don't. AH: I love you. JD: No, you don't. AH: I do. Do you love me? JD: Are you gonna show it? (note: can't tell if this is correct) AH: Do you love me? JD: Yes, I do. AH: Are you showing it? JD: But you don't show it. AH: Are you showing it? JD: I'm trying. AH: Are you showing it? JD: I'm trying. AH: Are you showing it? JD: I have tried. AH: Are you showing it? JD: Right now, no, 'cause I don't. AH: You do love - do you not love me? JD: I am quickly falling out of love with you. AH: Do you not love me? JD: I'm falling out, yeah. [inaudible] Falling. AH: Does this matter to you? That much this matters? So earlier today you didn't mean that, when you said that? You really wanna say you're done, now? JD: Yeah. AH: Because I told you: "Hey tell me, when we have a fucking thing? I thought we were staying in?" This matters that much to you?

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September 26, 2015
Saturday

times based on metadata2go (Plt368: 13:33:42 (UTC-7), Plt343: 14:22:11 (UTC-7), Sept 27 at 01:43:13 (UTC+0), Plt356: 16:36:49 (UTC-7), Sept 27 at 01:47:28 (UTC+0))

The audio of the bathroom incident discussion is part of a longer unreleased recording that leads into the 4h 20 min recording, of which only the first 1h 46 min are transcribed in the official transcript.

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-09-26 01:33:42 pm (UTC-7)			mov mp3	Def1545 pg 14-17	Plt368 --------------- bathroom incident discussion
2015-09-26 02:22:11 pm (UTC-7) to 06:43:13 pm (UTC-7)			m4a mp3	Def1545 pg 50-137 ------- txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt343
2015-09-26 04:36:49 pm (UTC-7) to 06:47:28 pm (UTC-7)			m4a mp3	Part 1 (pdf) Part 2 (pdf) transcribed by Kinsey_Crosby ------- pdf transcribed by agirlofthenorth	Plt356 --------------- this recording continues for about 5 more minutes after where Plt343 ends, with Amber here saying she was "just pausing it", so I'm guessing Plt343 is Amber's recording, which she paused, and Plt356 is Johnny's.

official & unofficial transcripts combined
(corrected)
(click to expand)

Def1545 & unofficial transcripts by serpentineeyelash & agirlofthenorth combined

This is the combination of 4 transcripts + my notes & corrections. There are overlapping parts and as I wasn't going to correct all 4 transcripts separately, I decided to correct the official transcript (Def1545) for one of the overlapping parts over serpentineeyelash's unofficial transcript. So any corrections for the first 1h 46 minutes of Plt 343 are corrections to the official transcript only. For the second overlapping part, which is the last 5 minutes of Plt356, I corrected agirlofthenorth's unofficial transcript over Kinsey_Crosby's, as KC's transcript skips part of it (Jack/plans for the day). So this combined transcript starts with the 137 pages of the official transcript (part of which we sadly don't have audio of), then continues with serpentineeyelash's transcript for the rest of Plt343, then ends with agirlofthenorth's transcript for the last 5 minutes of Plt356. Also, for the record, I retranscribed the official transcript (unlike all of serpentineeyelash's, which I copy/pasted), which means I corrected my transcription of it and I only double-checked a few times if what I was correcting was actually written that way, so for most of this I'm just hoping that I wasn't actually correcting my own mistakes and that it doesn't look like I was trying to make the original transcriber look bad. If you notice that something I corrected was actually correct in the official transcript, please let me know. missing as audio recording (official transcript): AH: If you're willing to work on the things the way that you say you are, when it's easy to say when you're not mad. If you're really -- if you're really willing to stand by that when it is tough, then we can work on these things. But I have no ability -- I can't do it alone. And yesterday I got so upset so fast because all those fights before in Toronto, I didn't stoop to that level once. And you hurt me more than ever before. And I ever completely -- JD: Last night? AH: No. The fights before that we -- these fights before and it didn't -- JD: Yeah. The same. It's -- you hurt me as -- AH: And so again last night -- JD: -- as much as I can be fuckin' hurt. AH: That's not true. JD: Verbally for sure -- AH: In Toronto I didn't say a single fucking thing to you except for when I got mad at the very end of the fight, the second or third fight. It was the second fight, I think. But you -- that's the only thing I did -- JD: It wasn't at the end -- AH: So this claim that I hurt you is bullshit. I -- I -- JD: It wasn't at the end and I also [inaudible] AH: There's like recordings of it. There's -- there's zero -- I didn't see -- JD: Well, you never played them for me. How come? AH: You tell me when that would have been a good time to do. JD: Now's a good time. AH: I don't think now's a good time. JD: Now's a good time. AH: I don't think now's a good time. JD: We'll face the fuckin', you know -- AH: If you -- if that's your -- it's going to be your issue. And I told you, any time you want to sit down and do it calmly, I even said to you we could even like do it with somebody helping us. JD: I don't have to do it with you. Just send them to me, right? AH: I -- all of this we have talked about. But you want to talk about it now? Let's spend more time talking about it now. JD: There's nothing I can say to you about this argument of -- that's been happening since Rio. Even leading up to the gig, trying to make sure you were cool with your fuckin' screen test. Not letting you take a commercial fly because I wanted, you know, I thought we could fuckin' work out the thing. (note: I assume JD actually said "flight", not "fly" :-)) AH: If leaving a party two hours before is -- is really a fair trade to you, then -- JD: What do you mean leaving a party two hours -- AH: -- I going to really think about some other things. JD: Leaving -- AH: If that's important to you that you would rather me not do it, go to -- or fly commercial without you because you can't -- you -- you didn't want to leave a party a couple hours early, which is all I asked for, then fuck, then I need to rethink some real things. I need to really think some things over. If that's what you think -- JD: It wasn't -- it wasn't about leaving the party two hours early. We were only at the hotel for a fuckin' -- maybe an hour. Maybe an hour and fuckin' a half tops. AH: I don't know what you're talking about. You mean at the restaurant? JD: After the show. AH: We hung out -- JD: And we waited for the -- AH: -- until everybody was done hanging out. JD: No. Hang on, man. Don't you remember waiting for the luggage? AH: Yes, Ido. JD: Okay. AH: Because it wasn't taken care of. JD: Right. Right. No. It was tak- -- AH: Because it's my life. JD: May I speak? AH: Yes. JD: The luggage was taken care of. The truck did not show up. It's Brazil. The truck hadn't shown up for the luggage. It was fuckin' two hours late or something. So as you thought it was Nathan's fault -- AH: I did not think it was Nathan's fault. I did not think it was Nathan's fault. I didn't know whose fault it was. JD: Well, who would you think? AH: I -- I have no idea. That was my point. Everybody knew that there was this plan and that it was important to me. It wasn't obviously important to you. It was important to me. JD: It obviously wasn't important to me? AH: Yeah. Like, it wasn't part of your life. JD: Why -- then why would I be taking -- why would I -- why would I be doing that? AH: No, no. I didn't mean it wasn't important to you emotionally. I meant like it wasn't about your life. It was important to me in my life. That's all I meant. I wasn't saying anything about you. JD: You're talking to them. AH: No. I'm saying it was -- no. I said exactly what I meant. It wasn't like a priority in your life. It wasn't your screen test, it was mine. That's all I meant. JD: Right. But I made it my priority by getting everything together. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: To make sure that we could leave on time. AH: Yeah. So we could leave when you wanted to leave. You said you wanted to play it by ear. And you did not want to commit to leaving at like -- JD: I had to commit -- I had to commit to a plane. I had to commit to [inaudible]. Nathan doesn't choose that. I choose that. The truck was late. By the time we got evreything loaded, we split. It took us not nearly as long to get to the airport as we thought, about 25 minutes maybe. And we were there 15 minutes after we were scheduled to have been there. Then we went through customs, where they nearly took every fucking stitch of clothing off everybody. Then we got on the plane. And Brazilian airspace was closed. They -- fuckin' military stopped it for that two and a half hours that we sat on the fuckin' tarmac. AH: I know. I was there. I know all of those -- the chronology of it. JD: Right. So it is not my fault. AH: I didn't say it was your fault. But I'm glad we're going over everything that happened that night. Do you think that it's weird that -- I mean do you think it's normal -- I don't know -- that -- you think normal couples always -- never let things go and keep fighting about the exact same fight over and over again every time they get mad? Or do you think that we are two sensitive people -- like we're so sensitive or emotional or something, and that that's part of why like when we get hurt or mad, we rehash everything we're fighting about in recent history, in our recent past? Or do you think it's normal? JD: I mean don't -- don't -- I -- I don't really know what you're talking about. Because this is all a part of it. AH: I'm saying like do -- do you think that like it's normal that -- do you think normal couples fight about the same fight over and over again? JD: But you're not acknowledging -- yeah, I do. AH: Because I just feel like that's what we do a lot. You know, we fight about whatever the last three or four fights were. And then we do it over and over again. And I don't know, maybe that's normal. JD: All right. Let's talk -- let's forget -- let's forget the plane and your absolute need to -- AH: Can you not be insulting? JD: -- get back here and do your screen test. AH: Can you not -- don't be insulting. JD: Can you not judge what I'm saying right now while I'm talking. Let's talk about last night. Let's talk about you said Rocky and Josh are going to come over, right? And have dinner. Unless you don't want them to or whatever. And I said, no, no, it's all right, it's cool. I just really want to fuckin' take a shower first. Because I haven't showered -- I hadn't showered since before the gig. Because we had to leave when we're -- to get to the airport. AH: Yes -- JD: So by the time we got in. AH: [inaudible] JD: Shower. Yeah. AH: Yeah. It's very rude of me to have [inaudible] JD: I'm sorry. AH: -- leave a party and didn't shower -- JD: I'm sorry. I can't -- AH: I'm sorry; it's really rude of me, really terrible -- JD: Do we really have to talk about past fights? AH: You just did. JD: [inaudible] AH: When you like made that little did about the shower, you know that little thing you did, the little dig about the shower, because, you know -- JD: I wanted a -- I'm explaining why I wanted a shower. AH: Okay. JD: Right? AH: Yeah. JD: Is that all right with you? AH: Yeah. I hear you loud and clear [inaudible] JD: Thanks Buzz [ph]. AH: Nice. JD: So then about two seconds later Rocky knocks on the door. I go get wine. I open the fuckin' wine. Hang out. You guys eat your fuckin' cheese and stuff. I want to go up to the shower. So I say I'm going to go up to the shower. Bang, food arrives. So I said, eat without me. Went up to the shower. Fuckin' lights out. Tried to find candles. Two candles I could fuckin' find in the dark. Fuckin' -- yeah. And it took a long time. I was up there a long time. But I mean so what, that's my business, what I'm doing. I'm taking a show- -- a long shower. That's really neither here nor there to anyone. That's my fuckin' business. And came downstairs. They were getting ready to split. Okay, bye-bye. Isaac asks me to go over there. I went over there. I was there 45 minutes or something. Okay, I should've called you. I come in the room, I said fuckin' Isaac [inaudible] really talking fuckin' blah, blah, blah. And -- and you're not saying a word to me. So I said, what's wrong. Nothing. What's wrong? And then so I let it go. And I grab the remote. And then you were bitching because I -- you're reading a book and watching a TV series at the same time, because you're multitasking you say. So I go to put it back on your channel. Then you say, no, I don't care, I don't want to watch. Okay, cool. So I'm looking around for shit. And then suddenly you just fuckin' started cracking into me. And then the next thing I know it's get the fuck out of my bed, get the fuck out of my room, get the fuck -- it's a -- what? And I -- I -- it was like -- what the fuck? It's not like you caught me cheating on you down the hall. I was next door talking to Isaac. There was no -- no harm in it. It didn't cause you any fuckin' harm. It didn't do anything that should fucking have any effect on -- on how you feel about me, or treat me, or look at me. Walk away. AH: I'm not walking away. I was [inaudible] through my bag to get a [inaudible] JD: And I guess what I'm trying to say is that -- whatever offended you to the degree it did that made you get so hot, as to throw me out of our bed, when I know damn well you're going to come out and you're going to fuckin' start yelling again. I know it. Because we repeat ourselves, as you said. So I was trying to figure out what to fuckin' do after you yelled again downstairs. And I got dressed. And you picked the lock on the fuckin' office and then came through -- AH: I didn't pick the lock. JD: It was locked. AH: I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- JD: Really? AH: No. I didn't pick the lock. JD: I thought you fuckin' put a hairpin in it or something because I locked it. AH: No. It opened. I don't know. maybe it just doesn't -- it didn't even -- Plt368 (official transcript pg 14-17): JD: It's probably just a shitty lock. Anyway -- AH: I didn't do that. JD: I opened the bathroom door when you were knocking on it. After a few times I opened. And you know, you just come in -- you just kept going. You just kept going, kept going. I tried to close the door three times. You know, please, please, just -- you know. And then, wait, and then -- then I -- I -- I -- I accidentally I swear, when I was trying to close the door, I guess it scraped your toes. And I didn't -- I -- you know, I didn't mean to do that. And I bent down. And you either pushed or you kicked, I think you kicked the door open. I mean, the door -- yeah, more open so that it would hit me. And it hit me -- (note: you can hear Amber a few times while JD is talking, but the only thing I could understand was an "I don't know." after JD's "I think you kicked the door open.") AH: No. I didn't mean to -- JD: Wait -- AH: I didn't know (corr.) that was -- JD: (corr.) Wait... It hit me in the fuckin' head. AH: But I did not mean to do that. I don't know what you're talking -- JD: I was bent down behind the door. AH: I did not do anything to -- I did not kick a door or push a door so that it would hit you. I did not. I -- I swear. I don't even -- that did not -- it was not my intention. I -- I think I remember when the door scraped my toes, I -- I -- I reacted. But this whole -- the door thing -- I -- I -- I never did that. That wasn't on purpose. I might have done it on accident. JD: Okay. AH: But -- JD: So let's say that was an accident. I then stood up. I don't even know if I said -- I mean I might have said what the fuck, you know, whatever, 'cause I had just been hit in the head with the fuckin' corner of a door. AH: I'm (corr.) so sorry. I did not -- I'm sorry -- JD: And then I stood up. And then you fuckin' clocked me. AH: I -- I remember hitting you as a response to the door thing. And I'm really sorry about hitting you with the door, or hitting your head. I did not mean to, nor -- JD: You didn't mean to hit me in the head with the door, but you meant to punch me in the jaw? AH: I didn't -- I meant to hit you. And I -- I -- I did not do this thing with the door. I -- I do remem- -- I did mean to hit you and -- JD: So that you didn't mean? AH: The door? No. God, no. I didn't -- and -- JD: But punching me in -- in the jaw, you did. AH: I didn't -- okay, I'm sorry I hit you. I did mean to hit you, but it was in res- -- in response. I just reacted in response to my foot. I just reacted. And I'm sorry. It's below me. JD: Your foot? That was why you punched me? AH: Yeah. But -- but -- I'm -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I -- missing as audio recording (official transcript pg 17-50): JD: You should take photographs of the wounds so you have them for -- AH: I -- JD: -- future. AH: Look, we -- I'm trying to apologize to you and you're being an asshole. JD: And you're -- AH: You want - I mean -- JD: No. You're -- you're -- you're -- you're -- it's -- it's -- AH: What are you saying? JD: It's awesome to see. You're changing the story in your favor. AH: I am not changing the story. I remember it differently. And I'm -- I'm really sorry that that upset you so much. But I do remember reacting when the door caught my foot. I just jumped. And I am -- I -- that's not to my favor. I mean I can't be changing it to my favor when I'm actually -- JD: You actually didn't jump -- AH: Maybe I should just -- JD: You went down, you went, ow. AH: I -- I can even rewind it to prove you from this recordinng. I am sitting here saying sorry for something I did. And you're telling me I'm changing the story to your favor and being sarcastic, then being offensive and rude -- (note: I assume she either said (and it was mistranscribed) or meant to say "to my favor" instead of "to your favor") JD: No, saying that you didn't mean to kick me in the fuckin' head. AH: That I did not mean -- JD: Saying that the punch -- AH: That was absolutely not -- JD: Saying that the punch came from your reaction to your toe being hurt -- AH: It did. Didn't -- didn't it -- didn't it happen right after? What do you -- do you -- what is that you remember differently, that you're so sure of. JD: I tried to -- I tried to close the door. AH: After the -- after it ran over my -- the -- JD: No. I tried to close the door and it ran over your toes, I guess. AH: Uh-huh. JD: I didn't see. I wasn't looking down. AH: Well, I'm sure it's, you know, it's questionable -- JD: You may the -- AH: I might have -- I just might have made it up on the fly. But -- but that's good that -- JD: You made a noise like you were hurt. AH: Probably made it up, right. You -- you didn't see anything, so. And then I hit you. JD: Are you really going to do this like this? You really want to be like that? AH: I was trying. And you weren't letting me apologize. JD: I'm trying to fuckin' explain to you. Fuck your smile. I don't need it, Amber. You go and be -- the -- lie to somebody else, man. Lie to somebody else. AH: No. I'm sit -- I'm sitting -- I'm sitting here -- JD: Like you lied in front of Travis last night and said you didn't fuckin's smack, fuckin' throw a fuckin' -- AH: I don't know what you're talking about. JD: Travis does. AH: Well, then you marry Travis. JD: Don't tempt me. AH: I'm sitting here -- I'm sitting here apologizing to you. And you are -- JD: No. AH: -- picking me apart and being an asshole to me while I'm apologizing. You tell me I'm changing the story to my favor. I -- I'm not saying I did everything right. And I'm not saying I was right in this case. In fact, I was actually actively -- you can rewind it to see -- apologizing to you. And you weren't letting me. I hit you. Yes. After I felt like that barrier was broken down. When my -- when -- when the door slammed on my foot, I went, oh shit, it's -- in my head I want, oh shit, it's going down. (note: I assume "want" is a typo and she actually said "went") I reacted to the pain. The fuckin' door caught me. And I thought he's getting violent. I thought we were going there in my head. We've been there before. And I reacted. Last time, the last three fights all in Toronto, I didn't react. And I felt fucked over, royally fucked over, because no one was in more pain than me for that entire week following. Because I heard everything that you just cannot imagine to somebody. And I didn't react. I didn't stoop to that level. I didn't call you names. I didn't tell you I didn't love you. I didn't [inaudible] I didn't do any of the shit. I didn't say I was leaving. I didn't do any of the shit. And I suffered for it. So I have learned probably in a bad way that it doesn't do any good when you take the high road, and when you don't do things right, and when you're the only person doing it, you get hurt more. And so I feel like that didn't work. I really tried hard in Toronto. I walked away with all the fuckin' bruises. And the second I felt physical pain, it just went -- in my brain went something different than the emotional pain. And I went, shit, this is going down. And I don't know -- I did not mean to hit -- the -- like cause the door to hit you. I did not mean -- JD: Wait, in the head you mean, when I was bent down. AH: You said -- you said I caused the door to hit you. And I did not mean that. JD: Well, you pushed it or shoved or kicked it -- AH: But I did not mean to hit you with it. I did not mean -- that -- that's what I'm saying. I'm not saying I didn't mean to touch the door. I clearly did. I'm saying I did not mean to hit you with it. JD: Okay. AH: I did mean to hit you with my fist or hand. I didn't mean to punch you. I meant to hit you. I'm sorry I didn't open my hand. I'm actually sorry I did -- I did it at all. I should never do that. I should never get physical. But in my defense, I felt that pain. It went some -- I went this is physical. And I just thought we were going there. And I didn't last time. And I didn't -- I got hurt more for it. I'm sorry I did it. And I came over today because I feel bad that -- by the way, I had also taken an Ambien already when I was laying in bed. And I don't know like if that has anything to do with one's ability to like con- -- you know, control yourself. But I don't -- I feel like if I look at myself objectively and I reacted so bad, that I think it must have something to do with it. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to confront you. I was -- I took an Ambien so I wouldn't even be tempted to say, what man, what the fuck. Because I knew you wouldn't apologize for it. I knew you would never under -- just understand me for being hurt, that you fu- -- fucked off and did not even like let me know, you know, I took a shower. I was going to bed, I -- JD: I did -- I told you when I was leaving -- AH: No. But you didn't -- not even look at me. I just happened to hear it. I almost didn't even hear it at all. And you didn't text me or -- or -- or -- or let me know. And it took a very long time. And I knew I couldn't just bring it up to you because I knew you would never just hear me and say sorry. "I --I know, I keep you waiting a lot. And I shouldn't do it." I knew you wouldn't say that. So I knew it was pointless to bring it up. And so all these old patterns were repeating themselves. I -- I feel it's pointless to bring things up to you that could be minor. So then I sit on them or I sat on it. I was already in an Ambien, or already falling asleep with an Ambien, thinking I was trying to avoid bringing anything up to you. But I also -- (note: Quotation marks added. Also, I assume she actually said "on an Ambien" instead of "in an Ambien", unless she misspoke and just didn't correct herself) JD: You were reading and watching television [inaudible] AH: Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly how you fall asleep. It's -- I mean that's exactly how I feel asleep. You watch TV, and I watch TV, or I read, or both. (note: I assume "feel" is a typo and she actually said "fall") JD: [inaudible] AH: You know? And I had the TV on kind of like this, you know, background because I was catching up on the episode I already saw. And I was trying to read and, you know, fall asleep. I had already taken an Ambien. I was trying to fall asleep and not bring it up to you, because I knew I couldn't just bring it up to you when you say sorry. JD: All right. So once that -- once when you came to the bathroom door, and once I tried to close the door and it scraped your foot, which is -- I swear to you, I promise, was an accident, absolutely an accident. I'm not denying that it -- AH: It's okay. I know. JD: [inaudible] it as an accident. So once I did that, that' when you thought, oh fuck, the violence is on [inaudible] fuckin' foot -- AH: I just -- my brain just went there, just clicked. And I -- I should've controlled it better. It's my -- it's my fault -- JD: And so when you were screaming at me to get the fuck out of your bed, and out of your room, and when you kicked the door, or pushed the door to hit me in the back of the head and my back -- AH: I did not mean to hit you in the back of the head. JD: You slammed it on me as I was walking out, Amber. AH: Did we not - oh, oh, you mean the -- JD: You slammed the -- AH: -- I thought you were talking about the bathroom, when you said -- oh, I was like -- JD: No. When I left the bedroom, when you were screaming for me to get the fuck out of your room and out of your bed -- AH: I'm sorry. I don't even remember that part. I was so upset -- JD: You don't remember that part? AH: I don't remember -- well, no, I remember screaming at you, but I don't remember slamming the door or it touching -- I'm sorry. I didn't -- I don't -- JD: Well, that's when I thought the violence was on. AH: Okay. Understandable. JD: Yeah. AH: Um, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that. And I shouldn't have done it. And I'm -- I'm sorry. I don't -- JD: Okay. Well, what -- just tell me something, please, as human beings. AH: Yeah. JD: As human fucking beings. What's worse? AH: What's worse? JD: What's worse? I go next door and I'm talking to Isaac. When you could've fuckin' texted me, you could've texted Isaac. You couldn't come next door -- AH: [inaudible] JD: Please, wait, let me finish. AH: [inaudible] do that. JD: Well, you weren't going to do that? AH: I'm not going to come and interrupt you when you want to be there. I just think it would have been nice if you would consider -- JD: But then why -- then why would you be mad when I come back? AH: I wasn't mad. I wanted you to just say, look I -- JD: You weren't mad? AH: Like you just said, when you brought it up to me on the plane, I wanted you to realize it. I wanted you to realize it. JD: Brought up what on the plane? AH: When I walked away and talked to Winnie [ph]. And I said you were mad. And you go, I wasn't mad, I just wanted you to realize it. Okay. Back at you. I wanted you to realize it. JD: No. Because I was -- on the plane, so let's go back to that. Now we're going back into used -- used garments -- AH: No, I'm not. I'm referencing -- no, I'm not. I'm referencing -- JD: That's what I was doing before. AH: -- something you -- no. I'm referencing something you said. JD: Yeah. Can I tell you why I said it? AH: That -- that's relevant now. (note: I assume she said "irrelevant" (especially considering JD's response) and this was mistranscribed, unless she was being sarcastic) JD: May I tell you why I said it, so I'll refresh your memory. You said -- no. I was in the middle of a conversation because we were not doing well. I was in the middle of speaking. You stood up and started to walk away. And I said, are you just going to walk away while I'm talking? And you said, I'm just going to go get a water. And about 30 minutes later you came back. Now was I mad? No. AH: It's not something you say. JD: What? AH: You were fighting about -- you were bringing up old fights, and we're not just talking about -- JD: No, but you did it. AH: No. I didn't. I talked about what you said. I was refreshing your memory of what you said -- JD: I'm saying what you said. I'm sayin -- AH: You're not. JD: -- what you said to me was, no, I'm not getting up in the middle of your conversation, in the middle of your talk. I'm going to get a water. And then you don't come back for 30 minutes. Did you fuckin' drill a well to get the water? No. AH: So you're talking about -- what did I say -- what -- why -- what is the relevance here, that you're trying to get away with talking about an old fight, when I am not talking about that fight. I'm talking about something you said -- JD: You just did talk about that fight. AH: No, I'm not. No, I didn't. I said what you said. You said, I'm not upset. JD: Right. AH: I just wanted you to be aware. So I quoted you. And you said, and you looked at me, looking like you had never heard that before, and you go, what are you talking about? What -- I didn't say that. And I repeated the context of when you said that. I'm saying the same -- JD: I can't wait to listen to this tape back because -- AH: I'm saying the same thing you're saying, which is I'm -- I wasn't mad about the Isaac thing. I wanted you to be aware. I -- was my -- were my feelings hurt? Yes. But I wanted you to be aware. And I knew I couldn't just say to you, man -- JD: Is that how you make me aware by throwing a wobbly [ph] - AH: If you were me -- JD: All I said was, here's what you did. I just want you to be aware. That was you walking away from me in the middle of a fucking important conversation, an important sentence. And you come back 30 minutes later. I wasn't mad. And I said, I'm not mad. I just wanted you to fucking be aware. So I didn't -- AH: That's not what happened [inaudible] -- JD: When I came back -- AH: And we can fight about it all day. We can just dedicate this argument to it. JD: All right. Well, I can -- listen, any -- any fuckin' two dime -- two -- two bit fuckin' head shrink could liten to that tape and see that this is fucking going nowhere. Nowhere. AH: Yeah. Want -- JD: You're -- you're -- AH: How much time do you want to dedicate to this old fight I remember very differently. JD: Look, you're saying the violence kicked off you thought when I accidentally scraped your toes. Well, wrong. The violence kicked off when you fuckin' either kicked or pushed our bedroom door into me to get me out quicker I guess. It was probably a helpful move. And screaming -- AH: Stop being sarcastic -- JD: -- shut the fuck -- get the fuck -- get the fuck out of my bed, get the fuck out of my room, get the -- okay. And I did. And I said, don't -- don't fuckin' come after me -- don't come after me -- AH: [inaudible] so you've said this a thousand times since being on this couch, you know, all you're doing. If I had done this -- JD: Amber -- AH: -- and you kicked off in Toronto and just sat there and berated you over and over again -- JD: You did. You did. AH: And berated you over -- no, I didn't. JD: Yes, you did. AH: I did not. It did not happen. JD: Go see -- go see what else was it? AH: You called me ugly, told me no one would love me. You want to get back into this? I'll tell you, you -- JD: Your behavior was ugly. AH: -- you fucking crying, you're still crying -- JD: Your behavior was ugly. AH: And saying, poor me, poor me, because you were called pussy. When you called me ugly, you said no one would love me when I was old -- JD: What else -- what else -- AH: You said no one liked me. You told me you didn't love me anymore. JD: [inaudible] AH: You told me you didn't want me to be with you. What did you just say? JD: Not many people do like you. You going to be aware of it. You must be aware of it. Want me to do, lie? AH: Does this make you feel good? JD: No, it doesn't. AH: It does. JD: You know, it doesn't make me feel good to be fuckin' harangued by you. AH: Right. You're the one telling me everything I did wrong yesterday. I have -- all -- all I've said is sorry. JD: [inaudible] AH: And you have done nothing but remind me -- JD: You're the one that's being [inaudible] AH: Toronto. Because you're still crying about being called pussy. You're still sitting here, poor me, poor me, I was called pussy. You were called one thing in a series of hours -- JD: No, wasn't there another one? You don't remember the other one? AH: Oh, there were two? Do you know what I was called? Do you know what I heard? You are so obsessed with yourself and your poor you, poor you, poor you. You're -- all you focus on is this thing that you recall you got called one name. And it's all you care about. It's all you can focus on. You're so thin skinned that all you can do is focus on being called a name. Which by the way -- JD: Pussy, coward, weakling, or weak. AH: I didn't call you weakling. JD: Uh, uh -- AH: Didn't call you coward. JD: Yes, you fucking did. AH: I called you puss- -- not in that fight. JD: Yes, you did. AH: And all you can think about is you. And yet you for three nights told me every hurtful, ugly, mean thing you could think of calling me. And then -- JD: That's wrong. AH: -- sit here and try and justify it now -- JD: That's wrong. That's wrong. AH: And yet all you can focus on is being called a pussy? Do you know what it feels like to have your fucking loved one tell you, I don't love you anymore? No one likes you? No one likes you? JD: I'm -- I'm -- AH: And you going to know. You going to know. Oh, you didn't know? Oh, you must know. JD: I didn't say that. AH: Oh I -- you want me to lie? That's exactly what you said. JD: Stop it now. AH: And for days, and all you can focus on is being called pussy. Well, I mean -- JD: No, there were a few more names. AH: -- that's kind of case in point, don't you think? JD: There were a few more names, Amber. AH: Not true. Absolute lie. You -- all you -- JD: Did you tell -- did you tell Travis that you -- AH: All you did -- JD: -- that you hit me last night when I asked you to? AH: All you did was -- you called me ugly, no one would love me -- JD: Did you tell Travis last night, let's talk about the current fight. AH: -- my tits sag. No one would ta- -- love me if my tits sag. For days I heard this. JD: Did you -- AH: For days. "I'm leaving.", "I'm getting a room.", "I'm getting a flight." (note: quotation marks added) JD: You're so full of shit, it's fuckin' disgusting -- AH: All you did was say those aw- -- most awful things you can think. I don't love you anymore. I'm falling out of love with you anymore. I don't like you anymore. No one likes you. Everyone hates me. I should've listened to them. I'm getting a room. I mean every mean, hurtful, nasty, ugly thing that I told you one day, I'll never be able to forget. And you -- JD: Half of that stuff I don't even know what you're talking about. AH: -- you looked at me -- you said all of that shit to me. JD: No way. AH: Yes, you did. JD: Half of it I don't fuckin' know. AH: And I -- because I didn't sit there and berate you for it the next day, and the day after, and the day after, telling you over and over again, even though you're apologizing to me, which didn't happen. How -- every awful thing you did. I didn't do that. JD: I don't know what you're talking about. You've -- you've taken it to another level. My sad little brain can't understand. Did you tell Travis last night when I asked you to? AH: I don't know -- I don't know what you're talking about. JD: You don't? AH: No. But let's hear it. Let's hear every -- you want to -- you want to keep telling me? Look, I said I was sorry. JD: I'll call Travis. AH: Do whatever you fucking' want. Marry Travis. I don't care. You are so obsessed -- JD: Don't tempt me. Don't tempt me. AH: -- obsessed with fuckin' -- somehow Travis is going to help you. No one's arguing with you. I -- JD: The only other person who saw the truth. AH: Yes. Only person that saw the truth. You're right. Travis knows everything about our relationship. And you're probably right. You should be with Travis. You're right. He knows you. And he understands our relationship. He knows everything. He really gets all the context. I'm sure. He probably was there for every one of these fights and really understands you. He probably knows our marriage so well that it matters right now that what he thinks it does so much. You're right. He probably sees everything. JD: Don't waste my time. AH: He knows it all. JD: Don't waste my fuckin' time with this horseshit. Stop. AH: How -- JD: Stop talking to me about Travis. Stop talking to me about all that shit -- AH: [inaudible] JD: Listen, he was the only person there who saw the fuckin' truth. AH: Yes. I'm sure he saw the truth. And I'm sure he knows the truth. And keep relying on Travis because he knows everything. You want to keep going? Keep talking about Travis -- JD: Not many people see the truth. AH: Yeah. I'm sure he saw everything. And I know he knows everything. And he certainly knows what goes on. And he certainly knew what led up to it. Right. JD: Have you always had an addiction for dishonesty? AH: Yeah. Mm-hmm. There we go. Back to that. You want to call me ugly again? JD: No. AH: Because you're following the same route -- JD: I said dishonesty. AH: -- of predictable insults, that you can fuckin' -- who's being dishonest? What have I said but sorry? Did I say it didn't happen? No. Did I say I'm sorry for it happening? Yes. Do I remember things exactly the way you remember them? No. That's called fucking memory. It is going to vary. I remember the plane differently. I remember Toronto differently than you. Didn't mean I'm being dishonest. You follow the same line of insults. And then focus on you being called a pussy. When you don't even look at your own hypocritical behavior. When you can say the most mean insulting fucking things you can think of saying to someone to hurt them. To hurt them. JD: Fat old man -- AH: All you can think about is those two -- see, look, see -- JD: The one you lied about that you said to Jerry -- AH: All you can think about is a name you were called a year ago. But yet you just ignored that you just called me a liar. You fuckin' mind your own fuckin' -- drink your own fuckin' medicine. JD: You do. You do lie. AH: Drink your own fuckin' medicine. You're a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. JD: No, you are -- AH: All you're doing is ignoring all the shit you do. JD: You lie to me all the way through. AH: All that you do is ignore everything that you do and focus on the name you were called. JD: So I'll just think of everything you do -- AH: Focused on your problem. Focused on the one thing you did. Focus on the one thing. JD: You focus on everything I've done and stay with it. AH: So do you. JD: Nope. No thanks. Not buying. What a fucking chump. What a chump I am. [inaudible] Would you like anything else? Coffee or something? AH: I didn't come over here to fight about last night with you. I didn't want to come over here to remind you of all the shitty things that you said to me in Toronto. I didn't come over here to fight about it. I forgave you and I really intended to move on. I think our -- and I don't know what it is about us not ever really letting anything go, because we fight so much about all -- all the other fights. That I don't know if [inaudible] because we feel so -- my hands are dry. Maybe it's because [inaudible] so much pain. There's like a need to [inaudible] or something, you know. I don't know what it is, but I love you, Johnny -- JD: That doesn't stop me from loving you, any of it. I love you, too, baby. AH: You're the love of my life. You are also my home and my -- you're my life. It would be so easy for either of us to walk away in any of these fights. But it's been four years. And neither of us have gone anywhere. And -- and it's because we -- you feel, I hope, I think, it doesn't make any sense otherwise, that there is no life without the other one. You're the love of my life. And if you weren't the most amazing dynamic beautiful person I've ever met, then I would have said fuck this a long time ago. It would have been so much easier. But you're the absolute joy and love of my life. And so when it's bad, it's absolutely impossible to -- to -- to -- to walk away because -- I mean truly walk away. Both of us try and have tried. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm telling you now, I love you, I can't imagine my life without you. This is torture for me as well. I want to change the things that we do wrong. But I can't do it alone. Everyone thinks that you can just change and somebody else will have to change with you. And it's not true. I don't have the ability to sit there and hear for three fights in a row how you're leaving, and walking out, and getting a room, and calling me all these names, and saying the worse things you can imagine to say to me over and over. And then -- JD: How could it have been three nights in a row? AH: It wasn't three nights in a row. It was three consecutive [inaudible] JD: You're talking on the plane as well. AH: One of them -- JD: The plane was way before. AH: No, because the plane -- the plane I participated in. I'm talking about the one where I didn't -- I didn't participate. I kept trying to get you to calm down, chill out, look at the broader picture [inaudible] maybe there were two, I'm sorry. But I can't be -- I don't have the chemistry, the body chemistry to sit there and take it, and then be okay, as you found out. JD: Nor do I. AH: So what we do is we fight to save ourselves, you know. I see it in you. I do the same thing as you do, you know. JD: Last night didn't have to happen. AH: No. It didn't. But it is not one sided. This -- that fight escalated for the same reasons they always escalate. And it could have been stopped -- JD: We could have gone right to bed. We could have gone right to bed. AH: Yes. We could have. We could have. I can tell you exactly what you could have done to make that happen. And I'm sure you have idea of exactly what I could have done to make that happen. You know, but we didn't do that for -- for these reasons that are big, like bigger, the pattern reasons, the -- For instance, I didn't bring it up to you in the right way because I knew you wouldn't just say sorry. "I know that sucks. Sorry." Which would have made it fine. But I knew you weren't going to do that because of the conditioning, you know, feeling like you don't -- your criticism, feeling I can't say something when it hurts me, feeling like you don't -- you're too defensive instead of care -- what is it? Caregiving? Instead of the caregiving you get -- caregiving for your -- caregive yourself -- for yourself. You protect yourself instead of me. So if I'm hurt by something, the first thing you do is immediately defend yourself with aggressive, you go on the offense and defense at the same time, instead of actually going -- I'm sorry, it's almost like if you say you're sorry, you're admitting you're a fuckup. And I know that that's the same thing for you. And I understand that's why you never just go, oh sorry, yeah, I could've done that differently. And -- and so I didn't bring it up in the right way because I just assumed that it would be a fight if I brought it up. So it came out in a really weird different way. And I don't want that either. I fucked up in how I handled it. I did fuck up. And I am sorry. Really from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm so sorry. I should've never done that. I should've never said get out. I should've never yelled. I should've never touched you. And I'm really sorry. (note: quotation marks added) JD: Thank you. AH: I want to get better. I want to fix the things that are bigger so that those -- I don't want to sit here and fight about what happened last night, or on the plane, or in Toronto. JD: [inaudible] AH: I want to -- I want to work out the bigger issue. It's bigger. And it's the same shit. JD: It is bigger. I mean, look, we've committed ourselves to each other, not by some fucking, you know, religious bullshit or -- AH: Mm-hmm. JD: Just because we love each other. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: And that's not -- whatever feeling that we have between each other together, that feeling will not -- you know what I mean. One day you'll meet a guy, who knows, and I have a girl. And -- and you have something different with them than you do with me. But that still won't take away what we felt for each other. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: And it probably still won't take away your feelings or my feelings. None of it. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: We'll remember the bad points. But the bad points seem to fade when you remember the good. If there was good. And there has been good. The last thing that I want in any case at any time is to fight with you. But you -- you -- and I say this truly, I -- I -- I -- I-- this is not an insult. I say this with utmost truth, that I just -- I don't want to be bagged on, you know what I mean? Like I've -- Plt343 (official transcript pg 50-137): Note: Timestamps and the non-italicized "[]" notes are taken from serpentineeyelash's transcripts. I added the page numbers of the official transcript next to the timestamps. [0:00:00] (pg 50) JD: it's always me. I -- I keep doing stuff wrong. I really can't feel like that all the time. And there -- there's quite a lot of time that, you know, you (corr.) can become very sensitive about small things. And, you know, shit, so can I too, you know. I -- I can too. AH: But it's the same things. JD: (corr.) But -- no. No, it's not. It's not necessarily the same things. I've become -- I -- AH: The -- if you look at the bigger picture [inaudible] JD: I became irrational when you're doing movies. I become jealous and fuckin' crazy and weird. And, you know, we fight a lot more. But I -- I don't wanna do that anymore. And I've -- AH: I don't either. But I'm not picking you apart. You only see criticism as an insult and picking you apart. You never actually go, I'm a human, I make mistakes. It's not even I make mistakes all the time, it's that I have quirks. You have your own. I have my own. And if we look at everything that the other person says, "hey, I need this differently", or "this made me feel bad", or "I want you be aware of this 'cause it kinda stung me". (note: quotation marks added) JD: I wish we would've done (corr.) that last night -- AH: Every single time -- JD: I wish I would've done that a million times -- AH: -- we bring it up, we can't see it as like an ego shutdown. It can just be a thing we can work on. I know, I have them. I have things that you -- that I wanna be able to hear from you that aren't mean. They're just -- "this hurt me", or "don't do that, that stung me". Or look, if I go over to say hi to Rocky and the girls, and I stayed for that long, after I also like, you know, was upstairs for so long -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: But you have. AH: If -- but when -- okay so when I do, if it affects you negatively, I -- JD: It (corr.) doesn't -- I mean it -- AH: Then -- then it's irrelevant. It's about what the other person needs. You live a life with somebody. JD: It's not irrelevant. It's just I'm saying, I'm -- I'm -- I'm not gonna get pissed off because it's something that you want to do -- AH: You have different -- JD: -- somewhere you want to be. AH: (corr.) ... thing- baby, you have different things that affect you than I do. JD: We all do, of course. AH: We're two different people, living in a life together. And the best we can do is say, these are my corners, this is what affects me, this is yours, you know. You might not be affected by that. However, sometimes you might be. And sometimes you might feel like I disappear in my closet and you were waiting with coffee or whatever. And I want to be in a relationship where you can tell me, "I was waiting here with coffee, I thought you were going to be back". And then I need to be the person to be like, if it affected you and you're not just trying to make a point of it, if it really did affect you, I'd say sorry. Or I wanna be that person that says sorry. I might not always be. And I'll fuckin' change that. But I need to be able -- you can't -- if you see every criticism as "you're a fuckup", I can't ever say "this affects me negatively". (note: quotation marks added) JD: No, but -- AH: Anything. JD: One doesn't feel like -- if -- if -- if -- if there's criti -- criticism, even like three times a month, four times a month, that's a lot. It's once a week. When it's more than that, it's really, really fuckin' weird. It's weird. It's upsetting. It's upsetting. Because -- AH: I agree. JD: -- I only feel like -- AH: I agree. JD: -- you see me in a way that -- that, whatever. You know, you keep saying that I (corr.) gotta step up, you know. You know, stop running away, and this (note: I think he says "and this and that")-- the things that you've called running away in the past are me trying to get out of a fight that could escalate into something really ugly and violent. And I don't -- don't ever want that again for us. I don't want (corr.) it. AH: I agree. But it is not -- JD: (corr.) I lost my own finger. AH: It is not criticism of you every day, or every fuckin' week, or any -- it's the same thing that you do that you don't work on, that you don't actually change, you don't -- and it affects everybody. It's not me alone. It's just I'm the only one who doesn't work for you and can actually say to you "this affects me". [0:05:00] (pg 54) I'm really glad that people like Shep [ph] (note: presumably Shep Gordon) in your life can actually say to you, "this affects, like affects me". But you were let off the hook, as you should have been. It's that thing that you do, you have very little people in your life that can do like what Shep did or what I do, which is say "that fuckin' affects me". No one else is gonna say that to you. (note: quotation marks added) JD: But baby, for example -- AH: You -- JD: -- I was ready. Now I wasn't ready long before you -- AH: I -- I don't wanna talk about specifics though. JD: But I -- AH: It's a -- you know it's a bigger thing. I mean [inaudible] (note: I hear "I mean if you (inaudible) to go") JD: No. But I know -- no, no. It is a bigger thing. For sure. I -- I know. AH: You just -- JD: I'm late. I'm late. AH: I just feel like breaking it down in this one example, (corr.) this minimizes it. JD: (corr.) I know. But (corr.) this -- okay. AH: You know? JD: Okay. Yeah. AH: If you want to, go ahead. JD: No. AH: But I just -- I don't wanna fight about a fight. I wanna talk about the bigger things, which is I'm not criticizing you all the time, "you do this, you dress this, don't do this, don't do that". I have (corr.) fucking -- it is this -- it is one thing. It's pretty fucking consistent. I have one major criticism of you that I really feel like is important in fights that really affects us negatively. That's in fights. I'm talking about in life. It is that one fucking thing. It is the K-hole of attention that is your gaze. It's whatever your -- it's like -- it's like -- it's whatever is there, everything else disappears. It's whatever is in front of you and you lose track of also like when, you know -- that's what makes you late, that's what makes -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: It's my brain. It's -- there's shit going on. AH: Yes. And I love your brain. And I love everything that you have going (corr.) on. I love you. You are not -- you're the same. You could have anyone you want. I could have anyone I want. I love you. Most of all because of what's in here and in here. I love your brain. I love your heart. And I love you. I love being with you. I have one criticism. And it pops up in different examples, in different facets. But it is really one thing. And it is the lack of -- of -- of -- of -- of consideration. Not intentional. And you make it sound like I keep going, oh, well you do this, and you do this, and I'm criticizing you (corr.) all the... It's not the case. It is one thing that comes up in different -- not very different forms, but comes up in different examples. It is the disappearing act of your -- of your attention and energy. And sometimes you're great, and so clear, and lucid, and present. And that's a different thing altogether. However, lately it's -- you know there's a lot going on, and it hasn't really been like that, you know. You haven't been the one to go, "oh, I need to text her, I've been over here for like an hour". Or you're not one to -- it doesn't make me -- fuck it. That's -- I'm being -- I'm being example -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: I should've -- I -- AH: I didn't mean to give an example. Sorry. JD: I should -- no. But while -- while you use the example, I should have, in retrospect, even then, of course it crossed my mind. And then I thought, "well, she -- she's -- she's probably cool, she's taking a shower, she's getting her makeup off". (note: quotation marks added) AH: Okay. JD: You know? AH: Yeah. JD: I mean, I -- that's what I was thinking. And I was trying to get out of there for a long time. AH: I'm sure you were. JD: And when I finally did get out, it was, you know, another 15, 20 minutes at the door, you know, like -- AH: Yeah. JD: I said, "dude, I'll just come -- I'll come by tomorrow, man, we'll talk about it, you know, come back tomorrow, come back tomorrow". But he was obviously starved for -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Sure. JD: -- attention. And, you know, especially -- AH: I invited him over for dinner. JD: No, I know. AH: And we hung out for like -- JD: I could -- (corr.) I heard he knocked on the door and -- AH: We -- we hung out for like an hour downstairs, and ate, and talked. And you were missed, sorely missed. JD: But I was only upstairs. AH: I know. I know. And I wasn't mad about it, you know? I mean, it's kind of like a joke, you know, Rocky and Josh (corr.) went, "oh yeah, you know, another" -- what did Rocky -- Josh said, "another 10 minutes", he's like, "actually we're gonna time it". And then we thought, fuck it, no, 'cause it's just so amazing. And I said, "yeah, actually I'd be curious of the time", 'cause in France we did this game where we would all bet, 55, 45, an hour and a half, or an hour and 5, you know. And we'd -- whoever -- whenever you would come back from "10 minutes, I'll be right behind you", it would be -- no one ever guessed less than 45. And it was between 45 and an hour and 5, where whoever got the prize. And it's a -- it's al- -- it's almost a joke. I most of the time can laugh it off 'cause I know you, and I know it's you. But -- but it's so chronic, the lateness, (corr.) the chro- -- it's so chronic and it's gotten so bad. Whitney even said it. She's like, "it's got -- this is like got -- it's gotten worse". It's so bad. It's so late, so regularly, [0:10:00] (pg 60) and so consistently not on it, whatever that is, multitasking, whatever you wanna call it, that I do voice it sometimes when it hurts me. It does hurt me sometimes. When I'm upstairs (corr.) and I'm reading (corr.) and I shower. And I'm like, "well, I don't wanna bother him, he's where he wants to be". But that's what hurts. You were where you wanna be. And I'm not -- (note: Quotation marks added. Also, after Amber's "that's what hurts" JD says something that's inaudible to me) JD: I understand. AH: And I'm waiting for you. And -- JD: Well, at Isaac's I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be back over there in bed 'cause I was hallucinating and tired. AH: All I wanted -- JD: And -- AH: -- was to be able to say that to you and have you respond (corr.) like that. And just (corr.) say, "you know -- JD: I -- I -- I -- AH: -- I'm sorry". JD: I would have -- AH: It would have meant so much to me. I -- JD: I would have, if it hadn't have been so kind of aggressive, you know. AH: I -- I'm sorry. You're right. I didn't handle it very well. But I -- it's 'cause (corr.) I('d?) assumed you'd go, "*fuck it, I'm always a fuck up, I'm al- -- you're always on me", and get mat at me, and then yell at me, and be defensive, and make it a fight about me. (note: * Amber makes a sound here that I'm not sure how to transcribe ("rah", "argh"?), official transcript says "well", unofficial one says "ah", I also can't tell if she says "fuck it" or "I'm fucking" right after that) JD: No. But like for example -- and I didn't fuckin' say anything. I can't -- I'm not gonna say anything to them when I get there. And, you know, but look, I mean, and I don't mean this in a mean way, I'm truly just giving you my observation. Every -- every day before I went either to rehearsal or (corr.) the sound check, for -- for the Roxy, you -- you -- you (corr.) would hit me up with some problem or what -- something you felt, or something I didn't do, or this or that. And it was -- it was every day at rehearsal. AH: I was upset about Toronto that entire time. JD: [inaudible] (note: sounds like towards the beginning he says "rehearsal"?) (corr.) And it was -- AH: And I was trying to suppress it. JD: And -- and -- and -- and I was -- I mean I was at least 30 minutes late for rehearsal every day. And I was 45 minutes late for the sound check at the Roxy. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: You know? And (corr.) I normally -- AH: But it wasn't because of me. That's not fair. JD: Well, no -- AH: You were late -- I mean I took maybe five min- -- I didn't get more than five minutes of your time at -- JD: No, no -- AH: -- a single one of those days. JD: No, no, come on, Amber, please -- AH: And every time I didn't even (corr.) -- I didn't take more than five minutes. We talked the first two days -- oh no, the first day of rehearsal, the first two days of rehearsal, before you went up and showered and stuff. You -- that was you and your not managing the time. You cannot put that on me. That's ridiculous. (note: the "ridiculous" sounds like "riticulous", which is strange, and instead of "That's ridiculous", the unofficial transcript says "That's what took you an hour" and if I listen with that in mind, I'd say it could maybe be "That's what took you minutes", which would also be strange. So I'm assuming it is "ridiculous" with a slightly strange pronunciation.) JD: I'm not -- AH: I didn't have even five minutes. JD: Listen, like I said, I don't wanna fight with you. I don't wanna fight with you about this. But your perception of five minutes in this case is -- is -- is off. AH: Okay. Well, coming from you, I'll take that. Because I think you have a hard time with time as well. JD: Of what? AH: I think you have a hard time perceiving time. So if you tell me my perception's off on time, I'll take it. JD: I just know how late I was. AH: That's you though. It's you putting off the shower. That's you waiting to talk to your wife until you're literally you're rushed and telling me you had to go every -- I don't wanna get into it. But I -- JD: Yeah. You -- you -- AH: -- I was just trying to suppress fighting -- JD: You were upset because I wasn't speak -- being -- being able to spend the (corr.) mornings with you. (note: the official transcript has morning in singular, I would consider a missing "s" a minor mistake not worth italicizing and adding a "(corr.)" to, maybe it seems even nitpicky, but I also think that it does make a difference if it's one morning or multiple) AH: No. I was up- -- JD: That was also because -- AH: I was upset from Toronto. I didn't wanna -- JD: -- you didn't get up late -- (note: "didn't" is inaudible to me, but more importantly, it wouldn't make sense. The unofficial transcript only says "you get", but there is a word in between, so maybe "you did get" or "you would get", but I can't tell) AH: I didn't even want to be -- the thing is, I was really struggling that whole week because I was looking -- I was looking online for apartment rentals, I was trying to - one minute I -- I mean one hour I thought -- I mean I'd wake up in the morning and I'd go, I'm gonna be fine this morning. I'm gonna not think about it, all the shit. And I would by the end of the day, even in the morning, try not to bring it up, but then also realize that my (corr.) own marriage was des- -- being destroyed. I found a counselor that could help, like, with, you know, separation. I found a -- well I looked at apartments online. JD: I -- I didn't know you went that far. AH: I didn't -- because I could not imagine getting over the pain of what happened in Toronto. It was so bad. JD: I couldn't imagine getting over a lot of shit like on the plane. AH: Yes. But -- JD: That was the second time. AH: That was -- we both participated in that. Toronto, I -- all I did in Toronto, all I did was fight to keep you okay, safe. I was worried about you getting -- going off the rails and binging, 'cause you were drinking. I wanted you (corr.) to not -- I wanted you to be okay for your press. I wanted you to stay in the room, not to fight, but just even to go in the other room, so you weren't downstairs drinking until 5. I -- it was not a mu- -- that was -- a lot of our fights are -- are 50/50. And some of them are on me. This one -- those Toronto fights, I spent the whole time telling you I love you, and trying to get you to calm down, and keep you safe. "Stop. Let's not do this. Look at the bigger picture. I love you. (corr.) look at the picture." And that train had fuckin' left. And there is no excuse for it. You wanna make excuses, I know. (corr.) It's your instinct just to make -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: For what? AH: -- an excuse to allow yourself to go off the rails. There is no excuse for just -- JD: What are we talking about, Toronto? (note: unofficial transcript says "you" instead of "we", I can't tell which it is and both make sense) AH: Yeah. JD: [0:15:00] (pg 66) The -- the -- listen, the -- there's no excuse for either of us being the way we -- you know, getting the way we get. And being -- being that fuckin' -- allowing ourselves to get to such a degree, of such a fuckin' heated arena. There's no fucking reason in the world for it. It's dumb, it's dumb, it's stupid, and it's fuckin' dumb. But you know, your memory of Toronto is what it is. And yeah, I said some fuckin' really nasty things to you. And -- and those nasty things had been building up from the prior argument. Just like your shit had been building up. The plane, I thought, "this is it, we're fuckin' -- we -- we're dead. After the plane we're fuckin' dead". I don't know how to look at her anymore. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know -- I don't -- Again, I -- what you think (corr.) of an argument where you didn't say shit, I mean, again, I'm sorry, but there were people out the door -- right outside the door who heard everything. (note: quotation marks added) AH: In Toronto? Is that what we're talking about? JD: Yeah. AH: Then -- then get them in the room right now, the -- the mystery help that you keep referencing, and have them sit in front of me. I wanna hear someone tell me what I said to you. Because still, I have yet to hear one thing. I called you spineless at the end of one fight. And I -- I called you a coward and -- no, I said spineless and pussy. That -- those were two names that I called you. And I told you what you were doing (corr.) was spineless. And I called you a pussy. And I said I was sorry and I meant it. But it was at the end of a fight. I had been fuckin' provoked to no end, prodded, poked, kicked. I had heard every nasty thing you could think of saying to a woman before that comment came out. And I still had the strength afterwards to say, "let's just not do this, please. Let's look at the bigger picture. We love each other. Let's skip all the steps (corr.) where we say (corr.) the hurtful things. Stop." And I said that the whole time. So whoever you're fuckin' talking about, quit fuckin' referencing them. Be fuckin' fair. Fight fair. Get them here right now. I wanna fuckin' see them, look them in the eye, and hear them tell me, in front of me, in front of you, what I fuckin' said in Toronto. 'Cause I didn't say a fuckin' thing. I didn't do anything in Toronto. I fuckin' held it together the whole time. I am sorry I called you a pussy. And your actions were spineless. And I am sorry I said that. I'm really sorry I said that. I shouldn't have stooped to that level. (note: quotation marks added) JD: What actions -- AH: But I had said -- JD: What actions of mine were spineless? AH: You had said you wanted to get a room at the beginning of the fight. JD: No, I didn't. AH: Well, then I don't remember what it was. But it was all the shit that led up to that. It was at the end of that second fight. And I am sorry I called you that name. But all you -- how much it's hurt you, and how much you (corr.) 've talked about it, and how much you've complained about that affecting you, and how much that you've carried that, magni- -- magnify that by a thousand. Well, being literal, 200. Magnify that. You're focused on one thing you got called. Imagine being called 20,000 more things. And not just called names. Being looked at and said the most hurtful, ugly things I've ever been told ever in my life, on top of being called those (corr.) names. While you're saying to someone "I love you." I was actually saying to you, that last fight, all I was saying is "come back, let's not do this, I love you." I even sat down and you were like "fuck you, you're fuckin' ugly, I can't look at you." And I said "I love you.", "I fuckin' hate you.", "I love you." And I actually did that. (note: quotation marks added) JD: You did. AH: I -- that was the fight. I got mad at something that I would get mad about now. It was rude and inconsiderate. And instead of me being able to just say "that hurt me", you have a fuckin' -- you know, the ego is so offended, that all you have to do is lash out at me, hurt me, call me names to try and defend yourself, 'cause heavens forbid, you did something rude. Which is human. You know? It was human. You could have just said sorry and I would've felt better. And that's all 'cause we're two people trying (corr.) to- struggling so hard to live with each other -- (note: Quotation marks added. Also, the official transcript says "trying to struggle" which makes no sense, the unofficial transcript says "trying and struggling" which does make sense, but I just don't hear an "and", to me it sounds like "trying to struggling", and as this also wouldn't make sense, I assume it's basically a "we're trying to/struggling to live together") JD: What was the fight about? AH: Remember we -- it started because I -- you didn't -- we had gotten comfortable, I had gotten my pajamas, started -- (corr.) I took my hair out. I started (corr.) taking my makeup off. We ordered pizza, ordered a movie. My mom was coming up to the room. We're curled up on the couch. And then you decided -- then you decided to tell someone, me in this case, (corr.) that you wanted to go to a party. [0:20:00] (pg 71) And I -- I had no -- and I did say, I started by saying "I don't wanna go, let's not do that. Why" -- and then I said, "why -- what the fuck? I have already taken off my makeup, I fuck- -- my dress, my heels, my hair -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: But your makeup was still on -- AH: Why didn't you tell me?" -- I had started to take it off. I took off my lipstick. I said "Why didn't you tell me before?" I have -- I'm in my pajamas at this point. Why didn't you tell me before? We had ordered a movie. We talked about our night. We actually talked about doing -- that's how it started. And after that moment, I came back. And I said -- (corr.) I've got my dress on, got my shoes on, put my hair back up. And I said, "let's go to the party" (corr.), you know.. And you were so obstinate, and adamant, and stubborn, and -- and -- and -- and -- and I don't know what it was. But you, from that moment on did nothing but insult and hurt me. (note: quotation marks added) JD: Could -- could it have been that I was -- a bit prodded by your lack of wanting to get dressed again? (note: during JD's "lack of wanting" you can hear Amber say "I was prodded") AH: I was prodded by your lack of telling me. Don't you see? There's always a thing that you can just rely on that. (corr.) And not take any responsibility for your shit. You -- that's no excuse. You felt prodded, yeah, so did I. I felt prodded about you telling me after the fact that we were gonna go to a party, after we had already talked about our night. We even ordered pizza. We fucking were queuing up a movie. We told my mom. Even security was like "What?" They didn't know. No one knew that you were -- (note: both the official and unofficial transcript say "were going", which is weird and kinda funny, because even though it's likely that she was going to say that, she definitely didn't say it). You -- and you didn't tell anybody. And I -- you don't think I felt prodded? I felt prodded. JD: Wasn't it Lawrence Krauss [inaudible] (note: I think the inaudible part ends with JD asking "Was that a party?" or "Was it a party?") AH: No, it was the party for the -- it was the afterparty for the movie. JD: Oh, right. No, we went to that. AH: No, we didn't. JD: (corr.) The dinner thing. AH: We didn't go. We went to something else. We didn't go that night. We fought. JD: We went to a dinner thing where Terry Gilliam was. AH: That was different. That was Venice, Terry Gilliam. JD: Oh, I'm sorry. Too many to think of -- AH: I felt prodded too. I don't want to sit here and fight about Toronto. And I really think it's fucked up that we fight about the old -- old fights over, and over, and over, and over again. I did tell you I would let that shit go. And I'm sorry that I spent five minutes of your mornings ending in a bad way. But we didn't talk for -- for more than 10. I did not make you late. You have a late problem. It's a fact. JD: I do. I admit to that. But it was a half hour. AH: It's -- it was not -- that was not because of me. You put -- you putting off talking to me until you were already a half hour late. In fact, every time we talked, you were telling me you were already late. So don't -- it's not on me. And I buried it, the whole fucking week. I sat there -- JD: I said, I'm -- yeah, "I'm late". And I -- and then I -- (note: quotation marks added) (corr.) AH: Buried it. JD: I got my guitar and my bag. And everything else was out the door. (note: I'm trying to hear "got", but to me it sounds like "put", which wouldn't make sense with "and my bag", which makes me wonder if he says "I put my guitar in my bag", I can't tell one way or the other) AH: I buried it. I'm -- your wife didn't take more than five second -- more than 10 minutes of your time. And in those -- all those mornings. And I understanded you -- I understood you have -- you had something very important going on. And I wanted to support you. But I was dying on the inside. Dying. I have never felt so depressed about our situation ever. I have had resolve before. I have walked away from you when you're drunk and fucked up. And things that are like -- but -- but -- but Toronto was like the -- the plane that -- that the plane when you kicked me. It was so bad and so unprovoked -- JD: Wait, wait. AH: Sorry. JD: The plane when I kicked you. You can't just reference it like with the plane that I kicked you. (note: "that"? "when"?) AH: You know which one I'm talking about, right? Like the one from a long time ago. JD: It's on the tape recorder. If you're gonna say that I kicked you, you'll say everything else you did. AH: On the plane that I'm talking about is the plane from Boston. I did nothing to you. And everyone can attest. Everyone will back -- back that up. I did nothing to you that time. You were -- you were fucked up. You were real (note: "you were real" is inaudible to me) -- I'm talking about a long time ago. That was the only time in my relationship with you. Remember, I went back to New York, that I -- I felt so unsure about us, (corr.) was after Toronto. And I sat on that all week, and cried every fucking day. JD: It was after Toronto when? This Toronto? I didn't kick you on the fuckin' plane. AH: I know. I said that was the only other time in our relationship that -- JD: Oh, okay. AH: -- felt like this. (note: I think she said "I felt"?) And I'm sorry I took a few minutes of your time in Toron- -- in -- in LA when you were getting ready for rehearsals, but I was trying desperately to figure out if I could res- -- recover, if there could be love gained that had been murdered. [0:25:00] (pg 76) I couldn't -- it was a -- JD: I understand that. I -- (note: "that. I" is inaudible to me) AH: It was a tough week. And I -- JD: (corr.) I've gone through the same exact fuckin' thing. AH: I -- I -- you have certainly not gone through this. I have certainly never looked at you and said some of these things to you. I have -- JD: Don't say that. AH: -- never told you I didn't love you. JD: Yes, you have. AH: I did not. I've never told you I was falling out of love with you. I never told you -- and also we've made promises. (corr.) Fuck, never mind, you'll just defend yourself. And me pointing out some of the things you did (corr.) is pointless, it -- JD: I'm not defending myself. I'm just -- AH: -- just bounces right back at me. JD: (corr.) Baby, I'm not defending myself. You wanted me to say when -- when I feel something, and you know, when I -- I feel that the, you know, I wanna say something to you, that it was okay. That's -- that's the promise you gave me a little while ago. I'm -- I'm telling you, if you -- if you lost memory last night of kicking me out the door with the fucker hitting me -- AH: Again, I'm sorry -- JD: And you -- and your memory is gone from you kicking the -- the bathroom door and hitting me in the skull as I was bent down -- AH: Again, I am sorry -- JD: Wait! If you have those memory fuckin', you know, divots -- AH: I was upset. There was a lot going on -- JD: Okay. But wait -- AH: And I was on an Ambien. Like what -- why are you obsessing over the fact that I can't remember it the way you remembered it. I said I was sorry. I didn't deny it. JD: Okay. I know that. I'm not talking about that. What I wanna get to is that you say to me, fuckin' unquestionably, like in -- in -- impenetrably you never said "I don't wanna fuckin' be with you, I'm not in love with you anymore." (note: quotation marks added) AH: "I'm falling out of love with you. Falling out of love with you." (note: quotation marks added) JD: It was dark, man. It was a dark -- it was a dark moment. AH: I let it go. I meant it. My mom said I have gotta fucking forgive you or -- or not. And I gotta forgive you if I wanna be with you. I (corr.) 've got to forgive you. (note: the unofficial transcript starts with "Look, I let it go". I can hear something, super quiet and super quick, which could have been a "look", so I'm 50/50 on that.) JD: I've gotta forgive you if I wanna be with you. AH: Yes. It's not solo. I'm just saying what I -- I made a choice to let it go and to forgive you. And I meant it. And I'm sorry that it's coming up now. It really should not come up. It really should not be something that we keep using in fights. It doesn't help us. It doesn't help our standing to point out how fucked -- it doesn't do anything but cause the other one to retreat and defend. (corr.) JD: If you -- AH: So I'm sorry -- JD: If you listen to your tape back, it would be you that brings up the Toronto shit more than me. AH: You're right. I brought it up and I'm sorry. That's why I'm saying this. I was trying to defend myself from this whole thing about, like, me taking your time when you were rehearsing. And I took no time and suffered by myself. And really sat on that. And didn't -- it wasn't right. You (corr.) asked me every morning what the fuck is going on. And I wasn't right, wasn't okay. It was not okay. And we talked about it on Whitney's birthday that night. And you promised never to go there again. Is my memory okay now? I mean so far? Was that wrong? JD: Yeah, as far as Whitney's party, and I promised never to go there again, and all that shit. Yeah. (corr.) I do. But -- but -- (note: similarly to above with Amber, the unofficial transcript starts with "Look, yeah", and as above, I can hear something, sounds kinda like "Uhm, l- yeah") AH: All right. So I -- JD: And the time thing is just -- it doesn't matter -- AH: Look, you see it differently. I feel like I took five minutes of your time. And you (corr.) felt like I took 30 minutes. And I -- it's probably somewhere in between, to be honest. Okay. So (corr.) re-obsessing over it is pointless. It's fighting for nothing. You've gotta be able to -- you've gotta be able to hear what I need. And when you do something wrong, it cannot be impossible, ever, to say to you -- you gotta be responsible. I hold you responsible. And I know no one else does -- JD: When I do something wrong, that affects you in the wrong way. AH: We have to live together. JD: Yes. AH: Everyone else gets to go home. Ev- -- JD: That's the first time you said "we", by the way. (note: quotation marks added) AH: Pardon? JD: It's practically the first time that you've said "we". (note: quotation marks added) AH: Okay. We have to live together. And I have said "we" a lot (corr.), by the way, in this conversation. We have to live together. And we both have quirks and corners. Maybe you remember me saying this earlier. We both have shit that we need to -- puzzle pieces that we need to (corr.) curve out to make -- to fit with the other, you know, to fit in a life with someone. And sometimes we fit perfectly. [0:30:00] (pg 81) Sometimes I think we (corr.) are hurt and don't know what to do with it. We don't have an outlet for it. We're still holding on to it and not admitting we're holding on to it. We still kinda hate the other one for the things (corr.) we've said to -- You know, it's just -- and we don't let it go. And then it comes up -- a fight comes up, instigated by the same patterns, you know. Me getting mad at you about something, or you getting mad at me about something. And then all this shit comes up (corr.) from old fights. And why -- why can't we just, like -- like be humble enough to say "oh shit, I'm sorry", when we fuck up. Why is it like this -- (notes: 01) quotation marks added, 02) both the unofficial and official transcripts say "carve out", but I can very clearly hear "curve out", "carve" wouldn't even make sense to me here, 03) off. says "for the things I've said to you" and while it sounds like "to you" to me, neither this, nor the "I" wouldn't make sense, like, "we hate the other one for what I said to you"? Unoff. says "for the things we've said too", but it doesn't sound like "too" to me, I assume she said "to" and didn't finish, like she meant to say "to each other", 04) off. says "comes up in all the fights", unoff. says "comes out from old fights", I hear "comes up from old fights", but "all the" is possible, too) JD: I don't -- I don't (corr.) know how to answer that question. I mean I -- I -- I'd love to be, if I'm not (corr.) being that, I would love to be. AH: It takes humility. And I know I'm the only person that, like, holds you accountable really in your life in an overt way. But if you're late, or you fuck off, and you ignore me, and I'm waiting on you, it's rude, and it makes me feel bad. And I have to be able to -- to say it. And yesterday I'm really sorry for how I reacted. But that was me not knowing how to fucking have a normal fight with like a [inaudible (note: ends with "normal")] it's like that's normal, (corr.) no? Couple -- like a normal couple thing. It could have been small, like you said earlier. JD: It could have been two secconds. AH: Yes. But me not imagining that you could give it that or allow it to be, made me -- I took an Ambien so I wouldn't be -- so I wouldn't be -- so I'd fall asleep before I'd be touched by you and have to fuckin' confront it. I tried to, you know, read, and calm down. I tried to not talk about it, because I just could not imagine it working. Where you could just hear it and say "I'm sorry", and also know that that's an issue you have. I couldn't imagine it. And so it came out really bad. It came out poorly. I handled it poorly. By the time we talked, I was already seething. (corr.) JD: Hmm. AH: And then I reacted like a -- a person that has been hurt over many, many fights. And holding on to probably some things without knowing it. And I reacted because I thought "fuck it. I don't want Toronto. I don't wanna be the person that sits there and says "I love you", while someone's looking at you in the eye and telling you that no one likes you, and that they don't like you anymore, and they don't love you, and you're ugly, and all this shit. I don't wanna -- I didn't wanna be the one that did that. I didn't want to take the high road. And I -- I wanna always -- I want us to both (corr.) love, but I feel like one of us -- one of us fuckin' -- one of us can't do it. We need to both do it. Otherwise one of us -- one of us is just getting fucking hurt. Like in Toronto I was a fucking punching bag. I just heard every mean thing. And all I was doing was saying stop. And I got so fucked up. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I understand. AH: I don't wanna (corr.) do-- JD: Toronto -- Toronto to you was the plane ride to me. You know? And you're not gonna unhear that shit. You can forgive me for it, if you (corr.) can -- but you'll never unhear that. And I'll never unhear the shit I heard. So, ultimately is that shit important? No, in the big picture. We should be bigger than that. We should find a way. And we do both need (corr.) to work -- I'm not saying I don't. We both need to work on it. AH: So there's no accountability, no stability, no rules? And we got married for that reason. We got married so we'd have, like, stability. So the fuckin' relationship wasn't on the line every time. JD: Look, I -- I didn't kick you out of bed last night. AH: I did. I'm sorry for it. JD: Okay, but you -- you know what I'm saying -- AH: Yes. I do know what you're saying. But it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's the result of conditioning of fights over and over again that do things, that make us react in the way we react. JD: Indeed. AH: So where do we stop? Where do we stop it? JD: Go see a counselor. (note: unofficial transcript says "We'll go", and as before, I can hear something before the "go", so this is possible and it's clearly meant like that, but I can't tell for sure if that's what he says) AH: Do you imagine your life without me? Could you? JD: I mean, no. Of course not. Why would I -- why -- why -- why would I (corr.) have married you? [0:35:00] (pg 85) You know (note: unofficial transcript says "No, I love you", and to me it does sound more like that, but I can't tell for sure and both make sense) I love you. I told you that. First thing (note: unofficial transcript says "first second", I can't tell for sure, I think both are possible) you came in, you said you love me, I said I love you. Because I do. But it can't go on this way. Not for you -- not for you - AH: I agree. JD: Not for me. It can't go on this way. AH: I agree. I agree. JD: 'Cause it's just gonna build, and build, and build. And if there's any more physical violence, that's it. AH: I agree. I agree. I agree. JD: So I'll check on counselors, man. Let's see somebody. If that's what needs to be done, I'll do it. AH: I just don't know if you -- I wanna talk to that Amy person. But I'm worried that you don't control yourself. And when you get mad, you -- you just take off. And I'm worried that on Skype, it's not like we're gonna be in a room, and you're just gonna fuckin' walk away if you don't like it. JD: It -- it's not about me liking, you know, these horrible truths. I don't like them now. And I'm not walking away. AH: Mm-hmm. True. JD: I -- I -- what I'm concerned with is the truth, getting -- there is no fuckin' way that -- if you, you know, change a story or if I change a story, it -- it -- it -- there's no point in us seeing a fucking shrink [inaudible] (for the "inaudible" part, the unofficial transcript has "That's a fucking mistake.", the first part is inaudible to me, but I can hear "fucking mistake") AH: There is no -- I see someone regularly. No one knows that better than me. There is no point in (corr.) lying to a therapist or to a counselor or whatever. Knew you have it in your mind that, you know, like I'll go to (corr.) Cowan just to hear myself talk of validation (note: unofficial transcript says "to hear myself, or for validation", neither of which sounds 100% right to me, I think unoff. makes more sense, but whatever she says between "talk" (?) and "validation" is inaudible to me). It's the opposite of what I do. What I value in people and why I don't want people around me that need me more than I need them, or that work for me, I don't want -- I had this breakdown like before I even met you about realizing that everyone around me was in some sort of need. And I wasn't getting -- being able to get honest feedback. And, you know, now I'm -- I'm -- aside from Whitney, you know, she's different. Whitney never holds back. Anyway, but that's part of why I value having people around me that are gonna be honest with me and that don't need me. That's how you get something from someone. There's nothing -- that's the value. That's the goal, is that people can hold you accountable. People can hold up a mirror. People can be honest with you -- (note: the official transcript says "There is no point in life to a therapist or to a counselor or whatever.", which is clearly the opposite of what Amber believes, and which hopefully nobody believes, as there is very much a point in life to them. :-)) JD: Abso- -- absolutely. AH: And if I feel not safe enough to do that because I don't know what you're gonna do, you're gonna take off, and run, and not like -- that's -- it's gonna be really hard to sit there and get something from a counselor when I feel like I can't actually -- JD: But you can't predict the future. AH: No. I can't. No. I can't. But we need help. And if we don't change, we will -- we won't survive. And I love you. And I want my life with you. But -- I know we both get mad and we both lose our shit. But there has to be some sort of thing that you follow, some rules, some guidelines, both of us. Both of us. You know? JD: I don't disagree at all. AH: Promises -- I feel like I really want you to keep your promises. (note: the unofficial transcript says at the beginning here "Promise it." instead of "Promises". I can't hear the "s" at the end and it does sound like "Promise it" to me, too, but I'm not sure if it makes 100% sense with not only what she says next, but also the way she says it. So, I don't know.) JD: I don't -- AH: Huh? JD: I mean I -- I keep my promises. Maybe I'm late. Maybe I'm flaky. Maybe (corr.) whatever -- AH: I'm not talking about that. JD: Well, what promises? AH: Just -- just want you to keep your promises. So if we say -- JD: I want you to keep your promises, too. AH: I know you do. I know you do. We need help. And I'm -- I'm -- I -- I -- I -- I -- we (corr.) have to promise each other to do this. Don't you think? JD: Yeah. AH: I mean maybe I'm wrong. But I -- JD: No. AH: I just think that there -- we (corr.) could use some things -- JD: I promise you this -- AH: - like that. JD: I promise you this. If we go to the therapist, couples therapist, marriage, whatever, counselor, we go there, [0:40:00] (pg 89) I promise you, absolute, unabashed, straight up, honesty. And please, please, 'cause you gotta be fuckin' really strong to do it and not -- not let the ego ebb at you. Please be a thousand percent honest. I don't care what it's about. AH: I will be. JD: Please. AH: That's easy. It's easy to be honest. And I'm very honest. I know you don't have a lot of people around you that confront you, ever. But you and I are two different human beings, different consciences, right? So you are going to remember something different than me. And I can insult you, and insult your character, by calling you (corr.) a pussy. Because you don't conform to seeing it my way. So you must be a liar. That just makes you feel bad. JD: I was a pussy -- the results of the, you know -- I -- I fuckin' -- pussy -- I was a pussy because I didn't take care of the fuckin' (corr.) Arabic, you know, piece... you know, who tried to touch you in the fuckin' elevator and -- AH: Tried? JD: You told me he didn't touch you in the fuckin' -- AH: Yes. I told you he touched me. I told you he grabbed me. I told you he tried to kiss me. I told you he kissed all over my hands and arms and head -- JD: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (corr.) Yeah, I know. AH: -- and -- and he grabbed me, and grabbed my arm, and tried -- that's significantly touching you. (corr.) Grabbed my waist, my stomach. I mean that's touching you. And I told you that. That's honest. That's honest. JD: I -- I didn't know it was all to that degree, I -- AH: I did tell you that. JD: Okay. Okay. All right. Don't freak out. AH: But you remember different things. So that's different. I don't have to call you a liar. JD: It doesn't matter. I -- it doesn't matter. You - you -- I -- I went through all kinds of shit -- AH: (corr.) Yet I get shit for being called -- (corr.) JD: No -- AH: I (corr.) mean calling you a pussy. Yet you call me a liar all the time. JD: Can I finish my sentence? I went through all kinds of shit to try to find that motherfucker. AH: Good. JD: He never went back to his fuckin' room. AH: Good. JD: I went back to his fucking room. I got his fucking name. I know how to find him if need be. AH: Okay. Cool. JD: But you -- (corr.) you, you know, said that I fuckin' -- AH: Did -- did I -- JD: ... didn't even -- I didn't take care of it 'cause I was a fuckin' pussy, and a liar, and [inaudible] note: inaudible possibly "this and that" AH: I called you the name that you were calling me. You were calling me a liar and I called it right back to you. And I did call you pussy. And I -- it's like again, I said I was sorry for calling you a pussy. I called you one name. For every time you heard pussy -- (corr.) JD: "Spineless". AH: I heard a thou- -- every time you heard that, I heard 15 insults from whore to liar. JD: "Weak". (note: quotation marks added) AH: You, from whore to liar. JD: "Coward". (note: quotation marks added) AH: I did not call you in -- in Toronto, I did not call you -- JD: Yes, you did. AH: No. I did not. I did not call you a coward. JD: You have the tapes. Let's listen. AH: Yes. I will. I did not call you that in Toronto. I have called you that before. But for everything, every time you heard pussy, which you're so obsessed that you got called. And I'm (corr.) so sorry. That must be so tough that you got called that one name. I heard a thousand. So it makes me a little, mmm -- JD: A thousand is probably -- AH: Annoyed. JD: (corr.) ... don't you think that's probably a little bit of an exaggeration? AH: To say the least. Annoyed, to say the least. JD: Is a thousand exaggerating? AH: To hear you continue to complain about being called that one name, when you calle me -- roughly 50. JD: 50? AH: Yes. So being honest, stop. It's so -- it's annoying me. JD: It's annoying you? AH: It's terribly annoying. You got called one thing and you -- JD: (corr.) This is called honesty and you are -- AH: -- called me a liar and a whore -- JD: And you are getting taking defense. (note: I'm unsure about "getting", doesn't make sense to me, but difficult to hear, maybe he was initially gonna say "getting defensive", so it might be "getting- taking defense") How is that gonna be with a marriage counselor? You're worried about me walking away? AH: What do you mean? JD: Look at what you're doing. AH: I'm sorry if I'm getting angry. (corr.) I'm sorry. JD: You wanna try? You -- (note: I can't tell if at the end here he says just "You" or "or you" or "are you") AH: I -- did I not just say sorry for getting angry? That's trying and you know it. JD: You've said sorry 15 times now for getting angry. AH: You wanna insult me for being -- and call -- saying sorry. You use it against me in every fight when I do. And yet then you also say I don't do anything wrong and I can't be wrong. Yet you -- you don't think that's a little counterproductive to yell -- to yell both things at me, (corr.) to insult me with both things? You wanna insult me for saying sorry now too much? Well, I thought -- JD: No. AH: -- if we're talking to each other, and we're being honest, and trying to be humble, I thought that's kind of like a good thing to do (corr.) if you feel it, you know, to be taking care of the other person. [0:45:00] (pg 95) I'm trying to take care of your feelings by saying sorry. That's care. JD: (corr.) With a -- in -- AH: And you're not. JD: In an aggressive way. AH: No. I did not say sorry in an aggressive way. That's not true. JD: What led up to it? AH: I don't know what led up to it. But I (corr.) did -- JD: The conversation we just had. AH: I -- I said sorry. And I meant it. And then you wanted to use it against me and then rub my nose in it, which is something you do all the time. JD: No. "Sorry" -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Would you -- would you like to end our conversation now because it's clearly not going anywhere. JD: If you wanna end the conversation, end the conversation. Here's what I'm saying. (corr.) AH: What? JD: "Sorry", when you hear it all the time -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Then I won't say it anymore. JD: "Sorry" becomes -- it almost has no meaning. (note: quotation marks added) AH: Right. Then I won't say it anymore. JD: And -- (note: no talking for ~15 seconds) JD: You're being defensive. You're picking out things to -- to fucking hit back with in your own way right now. So what's it -- what are you gonna be like with a counselor? Is it -- is it -- like am I -- is that a dream -- am I dreaming? Or is that just something that you'd like to do, but you -- you worry about me running away, but yet you're the one who gets heated up. AH: We both get heated. JD: I was not heated just now. AH: No. You weren't just now. JD: I don't think I've been heated the majority of this conversation. AH: Oh, good. JD: I don't want that. If you love me, I'll try. (corr.) If I love you, I'll try. I mean, if you love me, you'll try. And if I love you, I'll try. That's about the most we can give one another. (note: official transcript ends here with "right now", but I don't hear him say anything else after "another"). AH: Yeah. Let's just see what happens. JD: You can be fatalistic about it if you want. That's -- that's also -- AH: I didn't mean to be. JD: -- a waste of time. AH: I just feel stupid for trying to be earnest. It's like any time I am, it's like you're a fucking animal. You know, like you fuckin' smell weakness. And as soon as I am humble (corr.) or earnest, and go, "okay, I'm sorry" or whatever, that's when you get fuckin', you know, you get something from it. And then you start going mean. And then you start saying insulting things. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I'm not being mean. AH: And then you start, you know, really -- you can't resist rubbing someone's nose in it once they say, "sorry I did that". You just like, you can't -- it's like a scab you can't help but pick. You gotta like -- it's like you get something from it. So I won't say sorry anymore. I won't be earnest anymore. Like I was trying to be humble. I thought it would work for us because ego, pompous, fucking attitudes don't really work so well for us. So I was actually trying to say "Sorry. You're right. Sorry. I was wrong. Sorry." What do I get for it? (note: quotation marks added) JD: All I said was if -- if sorry becomes just a go to sort of thing to fix -- to patch it up, to band aid it -- AH: Heavens forbid, I try to band aid this. JD: That it becomes almost meaningless those words. AH: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Seems really meaningless to try and fix something that's broken. That's really meaningless, huh. Heavens forbid, I try to fix it. JD: Just saying, it helps to mean them. AH: Who says I don't mean them? Only you. Only you. So you know how I feel, how I think. You know better. And you wanna -- and you wanna tell me you're trying to be earnest and humble? Are you trying at all to be earnest, and humble, and real, and earnest? Have you ever tried that in a fight when you're hurt, when you're angry? Have you ever just tried to be stronger than that shit and just be earnest? JD: I do -- what do you think I've been doing, insulting you? Is that insulting? AH: Heavens forbid, I try to put a band aid. Don't you fucking give me shit about saying sorry. As if that's a bad thing, as if band aids -- JD: Listen -- AH: Or -- (corr.) are a bad fucking thing. You know what we need? [0:50:00] (pg 100) We need that. We need humility. We need fuckin' humility. We need to be able to say sorry to each other. JD: Let me tell you something. If you'll (note: unofficial transcript says "you", can't tell which it is) remember, (corr.) but, it couldn't have been even two weeks ago, we had a talk where I said to you, "listen, I feel like I keep saying I'm sorry." I would say I'm sorry for everything. I've been saying that since I was a kid, just to fuckin' get through this shit. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Even sometimes if you don't feel like you did anything wrong. You just say "I'm sorry" - (note: quotation marks added) AH: Mm-hmm. JD: - to fuckin' quash it, to quell it. AH: Mm-hmm. JD: You know? AH: Mm-hm. JD: So I'm not, you know, haranguing you, or -- or -- or -- or fuckin' attacking you. I'm just explaining to you, to me, from my perspective. It's not just your sorries. It's my sorries too. 'Cause they happen a lot. 'Cause we fight a lot. So if -- like (note: can't tell if he says "like" or nothing, as there's a noise at the time) it's always just "I'm sorry". You know, "I -- I love you" can be said easily with the mouth. But you gotta know what's -- you gotta see what's happening inside. You gotta be able to look into those eyes. Or you gotta be able to feel it. But that's all I'm saying. I was not attacking you. It's -- it's -- it's -- and matter of fact, look, that's for both of us. That's for both of us. 'Cause I don't wanna have to say I'm sorry, if I -- if I feel like I didn't do anything. And I don't wanna have to say I'm sorry all the time because -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Then don't. JD: Huh? AH: Then don't. Don't say you're sorry. That's what we need. We need a real grown up relationship where we don't have to say sorry to each other when they -- when you hurt the other. That's gonna fix this. Of all the fuckin' things you take from this -- JD: No. AH: -- what you really walk away with -- JD: No. AH: -- is that? JD: No. Listen to me, please. What I'm saying is, "I'm sorry" doesn't need to be tossed around like it's the only thing that's gonna get us out of this. That's not going to do it -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Who said it was the only thing that would get us out of this? Who said it's as simple as a sorry? Who said that's all we're gonna do? JD: I think we have to be honest. The "sorry" can come later. Explain yourself. I'll explain myself and say, look, I feel fucked over about this, or I feel bummed about this. You say, "look at- that was really rude", you know, whate- -- blah, blah, blah. Then -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: You'll freak out. JD: You're predicting the future. AH: You're right. Last night I couldn't have said anything. I wish I could. Impossible. You would have fuckin' attacked me. You would have fuckin' defended it, attacked me. The only thing that really -- you would never have thought -- (corr.) this is kinda shitty of me don't hold your -- no one holds you accountable. You don't hold yourself accountable. Never ever do. You wanna complain about having said sorry too much, yet I actually feel like you attack (corr.) more than you say sorry. And if you ever have to say sorry, you fucking lose it. I don't know what this obsession is about not saying sorry. But if this is your ego talking, then protect your ego, be with yourself. But that just seems like ego to me. JD: You missed my point, altogether. AH: What would have really been great yesterday is a sor- -- is a sorry. And so if your big point is that we shouldn't have to say it and don't -- we shouldn't say it, it's like how is that gonna help us? Yesterday you would have never thought, "I'm really sorry." But yet if you had actually tried to change how you saw, change your perspective and thought, "I wanna take care of this person and not this person", if you had thought that, you would have said sorry. You might not have had the instinct to think that I was right. But now in retrospect you know that I was right. You know that I had the right -- that it was fair. Yes. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I walked into the room saying (corr.) "goddamn fuckin' Isaac" -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: (corr.) That's not sorry. JD: -- talked my -- AH: There's a difference. JD: I -- was I -- was I being aggressive (corr.) with it? AH: There's a difference. (corr.) That's not a sorry. There's a difference. One cares for me. The other is you. JD: What I'm saying is -- AH: If we need less of that in our relationship, then you and I are totally talking different languages and this is a waste. JD: No. "I'm sorry" is an after the fact thing. Explain ourselves honestly and to the point, without freaking out. [0:55:00] (pg 105) And then I understand more of what you're really upset about. And then I could say "Fuck, I'm sorry. Now I really understand." But had I said sorry last night, you -- you -- you weren't gonna -- I -- I mean, I -- I -- I'd bet fuckin' dollars to donuts you weren't going to turn around and say, (corr.) "Oh, it's okay, baby, I understand. For sure not. (note: quotation marks added) AH: [inaudible] (note: unofficial transcript says "I could have.", but it's also inaudible to me) JD: I -- I'm - I'm saying, it's -- if I was at the track, I'd be putting all my money on that. AH: Okay. But you should try it once. You don't ever act like you're humble. You don't - you're always defensive. You're always on the -- JD: What did you say (corr.) to me about me earlier? You said I was the most kind -- AH: Kind heart ever -- JD: -- hearted, caring -- AH: That's if you're not wrong. And if you haven't done something wrong, you have this bad boy complex, like a mom bad boy complex. As soon as you feel like you fucked up, you're -- I've never seen anything like it. JD: You (corr.) can include the dad in there too, 'cause he -- he -- he got me pretty good as well. AH: It's like this -- this allergy to being -- to doing anything wrong, if you were seen in a bad light. And I'm not even saying you're a bad boy. I'm not saying -- JD: It's not about doing anything wrong [inaudible] (note: "just being"?) fucked with. AH: Yeah. But I'm not fucking with you by saying, "hey man, I've been waiting for you, you've been a long time, and you could've just let me know, could've texted me", whatever. That's not being fucked with. But you see it that way. (note: quotation marks added) JD: That's -- AH: That's the real issue. JD: That's not -- AH: That's a big picture issue. JD: That is not the way it was approached by you last night. It wasn't. AH: I didn't approach it last night like that. Because I can't approach it. If I ever say these things to you, you immediately -- like this is what I'm talking about, you go into this ego driven, protect your own self, defend yourself, "I didn't do anything wrong, fuck you, I'm tired of being wrong all the time, I hate this", you know, kind of thing. (note: quotation marks added) JD: And that's what you were doing as well. AH: Yeah. JD: That's exactly what you were doing as well, if that's what you think. AH: Yeah. JD: It's true. AH: (corr.) Alright. JD: It's fuckin' true. AH: Yeah. JD: Yeah. You were protecting your ego because you didn't - AH: Oh yeah. I was. JD: - wanna fuckin' say nothing [inaudible] (note: "to nobody"?) AH: I actually was protecting my ego. I told you why. I told you why I did that that way. I didn't wanna do that. I didn't wanna internalize it, and be fucked over, and try to fall asleep desperately, force yourself to sleep so you don't confront the person you're supposed to be friends with, (corr.) be it for fear of -- knowledge of them not actually saying "I care about you. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings", and not hearing (note: "hearing" is inaudible to me, unofficial transcript says "giving a") fuck about your feelings, and only caring about themselves and whether they're right or wrong, whether they're right specifically. Not a bad boy, they're not a fuck-up. So they can't do anything wrong. "How dare you fucking criticize me?" (note: quotation marks added) JD: It's always like that? AH: I can't ever -- you want honesty, but then when I'm honest with you and say, like "What, we're going to a party now? Why didn't you tell me? That's fucking rude." I can't be mad. I can't -- I can't get mad at you. You can't do anything wrong. I mean it's just -- (note: quotation marks added) [No talking for 7 minutes, until 1:04:43. from 00:58:05 to 00:58:58] JD: [inaudible] feel the way you do. I am -- I am truly sorry. Because clearly I have had some -- something to do with it, you know. Made you mad. I'm sorry for that. [inaudible] (note: "Can you (inaudible) for a sec?"?). [inaudible]. (note: no talking from 01:00:12 to 01:04:43) JD: What would you like to do, Amber? AH: [1:05:00] (pg 109) (corr.) Honestly? JD: Mm-hmm. AH: (corr.) What I want is, uhm, security, safety. (corr.) I want some boundaries. I want them back. The ones I've destroyed and the ones you've destroyed. The ones we've destroyed. (corr.) I want trust. I wanna know that marriage is sacred. I want (corr.) -- I want -- JD: The marriage is sacred. AH: I want a few things. (corr.) I know. And I wanna make promises to the other. (corr.) Listen, I want promises 'cause I need the safety, I need security. I need the safety back. I used to feel (corr.) so safe with you. You know? [inaudible] (note: "We've gone"?) through phases and I can sometimes (corr.) I feel so safe. (corr.) You know, it's like what you wrote in that song. JD: Mmm. AH: You have stripped me down and shaved my head. And I've done the same probably to you, you would say. Right? And now we're both here. And I wanna -- (corr.) I want some of the safety back. I wanna make the commitment again. I wanna -- I wanna -- and I wanna have a reason to honor it, you know? Like, there's no point in honoring it, if you think the other one's just gonna fuckin' take off, throw (corr.) their ring at you, you know? There's no point in keeping a boundary if you think you're gonna be hit or if they're gonna just fuckin' run. You know, either way. For this to work, I want -- for -- for me, I want -- I want -- I want us to make promises and keep them to each other. And I wanna get help to know how we fight. I mean to -- to get help fighting. I think it's always bigger issues. And we have the -- we don't have the ability to bring it up safely to the other. I want you to always be honest with me. I want you to always be honest with me. And I wanna be able to take criticism and help make myself be somebody that fits in your life the same way as I want you to wanna fit in my life. You know, I was saying in Brazil about coming back for the test is just I -- it is a -- I wanna be as important to you as you are to me. And sometimes it's inconvenient to fly when you wanna leave. So I don't like flying in the middle of the night. But I do it, you know? Sometimes it's inconvenient. I'm missing work or I'm missing this. I mean look at me, I haven't worked since February. JD: (corr.) You've got like- AH: (corr.) I did press tours, but I don't know- JD: -- five movies coming out -- oh no, you have [inaudible] (note: I think between "out" and "oh no" he starts saying "or something", also, I can't tell if he says "oh no" or "I know") AH: (corr.) No, I have just one. Danish Girl. The thing is, I have -- it's inconvenient, but I -- I do it because I -- I love you. And I wanna do it. I wanna make my life fit into yours. What I was saying on the plane was just that, "hey, can you motivate to make this not stressful for me?" And that didn't happen. And -- and then when the -- when the plane was two and a half hours late, which was out of your control, and (note: "when"?) the car was two hours late, out of your control, it really - it really - I barely got there in time. And didn't have time to shower, do any of the things that were comfortable, that I needed to feel comfortable, and okay, and calm, and safe. I didn't have that. Not -- (note: quotation marks added) JD: I got you a hotel. AH: But those two -- yes, you did. And you helped me with my lines. And in that -- that last day, you were wonderful. Once we were on the plane, you were so supportive. The problem is, it would have been -- it would have meant a lot to me to have had an hour shaved off the time we spent in the party -- or whatever. I didn't wanna take the event from you. I didn't wanna take the after party from you. I have been 100 percent on your arm and at your side. But I just wanted a little compromise, a little, "okay, (corr.) fuck, it's annoying, but let's go a little earlier", whatever. And you did end up coming through. But it was so late, it was too late, like we literally left -- we -- we didn't leave any time for fuck-ups, like out of our control fuck-ups. We didn't leave time for that. And all I was saying, it wasn't a criticism, it wasn't even a (corr.) thi-- I was saying, "I just wanna know that I'm -- that that's not like a reflection of me being not important." [1:10:00] (pg 112) I -- I'm -- it's (corr.) insecurity, I even blamed it on me. I said it's insecurity, but I wanna know. Sorry, I'm talking about a specific fight. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (note: quotation marks added) JD: [inaudible] AH: I wanna get help and learn how to fight about these things, so we're not fighting about the same shit over and over again. JD: Yeah. AH: And I want us to make promises to each other that we keep boundaries. JD: We don't -- (note: it's possible that he says "I don't") AH: If you don't -- JD: Look, I didn't say -- I didn't say "divorce" last night. (note: quotation marks added) AH: No. You didn't. JD: I did not say "divorce" last night. (note: quotation marks added) AH: No. You did not. JD: You said "divorce" last night. (note: quotation marks added) AH: I said "breakup". Yeah. (note: quotation marks added) JD: No. You said "divorce". You actually-- (corr.) AH: Sorry. JD: -- said the word "divorce". I'm sorry, (corr.) I just want someone to be honest. (note: quotation marks added) AH: (corr.) So I -- I don't remember -- I'm not being dishonest. JD: No. I -- AH: That's where you need to slow down. You don't have to attack my character just 'cause I didn't remember one word. JD: I was not attacking your character. AH: Insinuating I'm not honest is an insult to my character. JD: No. I said, "I'm sorry, I just want to be honest." You didn't remember saying that. I'm not saying you're a liar. You said -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: Then what does honesty have to do with it? Why -- why -- you're insinuating I'm not being honest. I want you to be -- oh, you mean being honest with me. JD: I said, I just -- yeah. AH: Okay. JD: I want to be honest. AH: Okay. I want you to be honest. JD: And I wanna be honest with the fucking shrink if we see one. AH: (corr.) With -- i-- if you wanna do this marriage thing, if you wanna make this work, if you don't -- if you want me in your life, then we do. We have to see somebody. We have to get help. JD: I'm not disagreeing with you. I -- I absolutely agree. But you -- you do have to see, like all -- all I was saying is "I want to be honest." And then you jumped and said, I'm calling you dishonest. That was not the case. (note: quotation marks added) AH: Okay. All right. JD: Okay? AH: I get it. I'm glad you explained. It sounded like you were insinuating I wasn't. Thank you for explaining. JD: Sure. That's how the shit starts, you know. If I did that to you, or you did that to me. AH: Well, that did happen. And we handled it okay. JD: Yeah. Of course. We got through it. We've gotten through worse. We have gotten through worse where they were about to start and fuckin' get crazy. And they -- and we talked ourselves down. I don't (corr.) want anything but [inaudible] with us. I want -- I want your friendship. I want us to be happy. I want us to love each other at all times. Of course there's gonna be fights here and there. But we don't ever need to go where we've gone, again. We really just don't. And -- (corr.) I'd love to put everything behind us and just start out fresh and new. As better people, as more understanding people. So that we do have a shot at making it and staying together. (note: instead of "We really just don't." the unofficial transcript says "It really just won't [inaudible].". I can't tell for sure if it's "we" or "it", but it does sound like "won't" to me, which makes me wonder if maybe he was about to say "it really just won't end well") [No talking for 4 minutes, until 1:17:27. from 01:13:55 to 01:14:26] JD: You need another water? AH: (corr.) Yeah. Do you want anything? JD: No. I'm good. Thank you. (note: no talking from 01:14:34 to 01:17:25) (pg 116) (corr.) JD: (inaudible) (note: Maybe "It's alright."? Or "Sorry."?) AH: There's a water if you want it. JD: Thank you. (note: no talking from 01:17:31 to 01:18:22) JD: I (corr.)'ll call Dr. Kipper, you know, ask him about someone. AH: I have someone that [inaudible] we could talk to, that I reached out to, and -- JD: It's someone you've been to before. AH: No, no. Never met her. JD: (corr.) Who? (or "Whom?") AH: Just somebody that came -- that came recommended. And we could also take (corr.) suggestions from Kipper. But there's also that Amy Banks lady (corr.) who wrote the most-- JD: I know, but that's -- AH: -- dynamic book on like the chemical workings of the brain and how it affects people in a relationship. JD: [inaudible] (note: sounds simply like "mm-hm" to me) AH: Yes, but it's not here. (note: can't tell for sure, the unofficial transcript says "The expert is not here.", neither of the two options really make complete sense to me) JD: (corr.) Uh, uh, it might be. I don't know [inaudible] AH: I'm not talking about the book. JD: Oh. Then what? What? AH: I'm saying your reservations about her are because she's -- JD: Oh. (corr.) Uhm, not necessarily reservations. I just -- I -- I didn't get the feeling that she -- she was interested in doing that when I spoke to her. AH: No. She (corr.) absol- JD: She [inaudible] separate -- she wanted to speak to us separately. (note: sounds to me like after "separate" he also says "place"?) AH: She wanted to get to know us. She was -- she asked specifically, do you want this to be -- JD: Well, then let's [inaudible] get her fuckin' -- (note: everything between "let's" and "fuckin'" is inaudible to me, kinda sounds like "let's lose her, let's get/give a fuckin'", where I hear "lose" the unofficial transcript says "choose", which would obviously make more sense, I just don't hear it) AH: We need somebody in person, I think, so. [1:20:00] (pg 118) That's what I'm saying. JD: Oh, you think we need someone in person. AH: Don't you? JD: I -- I would think so, yeah. But I mean, that -- that lady [inaudible] (note: "she's"?) Amy Banks. And we both trust her. You read her book. I -- I -- you know, if we get a fuckin', you know, Skype or whatever with her on a fuckin' screen like that, it wouldn't be so bad. [inaudible] computer screen, it can be a little, you know, distracting. (note: for the inaudible part, the unofficial transcript says "though talking to a", but it doesn't sound like that to me) [No talking for 1.5 minutes, until 1:22:10.] AH: (corr.) I came over here to tell you I loved you. JD: Sorry? AH: (corr.) I came here to tell you I love you. JD: I love you too. I love you too. I love you more than anything in the world, (corr.) and, you know. I've told you this. The last (corr.) fuckin' thing that I want to do in this world is -- is -- is to let my woman down. And especially if it feels to me like I do it all the time. It's a horrible feeling. AH: I'm sorry you feel horrible all the time. JD: I don't feel horrible all the time. Did I just say that? AH: Don't. (note: it does sound like just "Don't", but I think she asked "You don't?") JD: Did I just say that? AH: Well, you said that you feel like it all the time. That you fuck up all the time. JD: Sorry. Okay. I didn't -- let's take out all the time. I'm sorry. It -- it -- it -- the last thing I wanna do is let you down ever. And it just seems like I do more than -- AH: More what? JD: More than should be normal, I think. AH: You just can't be like wrong. Or normally (corr.) like can't do anything -- I can't tell you -- we're two people trying to fit together. Our lives are trying to fit together. And if you do something, and you don't ever change it, like being (corr.) fucking in your own world and then not realizing, because you're absent minded, that two hours have passed, and someone's waiting on you. That shit is something you do all -- you do it very often. And if you never change it, of course I'm gonna say to you, it still bothers me. Because you still do it. But yet, if I don't say anything, I'm fucked. If I do say something, I'm fucked, I'm the bad guy, and you're feeling bad. And yet you can't just say "I'm sorry", because then it's -- your ego doesn't allow it, or because it doesn't protect you. But -- but we -- that could be normal. You say it's more than -- happens more than normal. Normal is being two people that allow each other that. (note: quotation marks added) JD: Yeah. AH: [1:25:00] (pg 120) Am I wrong? JD: No. Not wrong. (note: it sounds like "No. Not really." to me?) I was only saying that leading in (corr.) with "I'm sorry" (corr.) can sometimes (corr.) take away from the words that come after. (corr.) And that "sorry" can start to be just a (corr.) mantra that you're doing. I don't want to be like that (corr.) with you. (note: quotation marks added) AH: Nor do I. I want honesty. And if you cannot actually put yourself in someone else's shoes, even though your inability to do so is ruining your marriage, then I don't know what we'll do. If you can't look at this and say "How would I feel if I were her?", ever, we'll keep having this. You won't be sorry. You'll just feel like you're obligated to say it. But if you put yourself in my shoes last night, you would have -- you would have felt bad. You would -- if you put -- if we switched places, and you didn't automatically in your brain go, "well, she does that", just to deflect and bounce off the blame. If you actually put yourself in my shoes, you'd -- you would understand. And you wouldn't be forced to say sorry. You would be like, "yeah, that -- I wouldn't wanna be that. I -- that would suck." (no talking from 01:26:25 to 01:26:46) AH: We need to -- JD: [inaudible] AH: We need to fix it -- JD: You just sat here and threw all the blame on me. AH: No. I -- I did not mean to. I'm -- JD: We're gona listen to the tape. AH: I'm sorry that it -- oh, can't say sorry. JD: You can say you're sorry. AH: I don't feel like I can. JD: Of course you can. Just please explain. Explain (corr.), please. AH: I went -- I went there because I -- I was feeling, like, criticized for having the gall to be upset with you more than once. It's like I keep telling you, it's the same thing. You just don't change it or address it. So it does come up, yes. But it's not a character flaw. It's not like I'm like "I don't like you". I'm just saying, "hey, that bum- -- that -- that was rude (corr.) or that made me mad or that made me sad or whatever. (corr.) And -- I don't feel like you're saying to me ever in our life "Yeah, I can imagine if I were you. I'm sorry." Or whatever it is. Not "sorry". But you know, understanding, the humility, humble, the earnest caring about me. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I said all that tonight or today. I said all of it today. AH: I hate that we've been fighting today. And I hate fighting with you ever. I wanna stop. I wanna get better. And we need to be able to have problems though in our life. Like we're not (corr.) gonna be perfect. JD: Of course, but (corr.) you know what-- AH: And I've said this a thousand times to you, let's allow each other to be -- to fuck up. Let's allow each other to like be human, and say sorry, and move on, and hear the other one without trying to jump. (note: she says something between "and" and "hear" that is not transcribed in the official transcript, is transcribed as "able to" in the unofficial one and is inaudible to me) JD: Let's -- let's -- let's also let the other person be the (corr.) -- the person, that are -- (note: "they are"?) AH: I'm not preventing you from being who you are, when I am honest with you, which is what you say you want -- JD: That's what I want -- AH: -- which is that (corr.) it affects me when you just fuck off for this long and don't even text. That affected me. And yet now you wanna (corr.) make it like I'm trying to prevent you from being who you are. If I did that shit, you would be hurt. JD: I'm not -- I didn't say that you were guilty of it as well, or I mean, that I was guilty of it as well. Those kinds of things, it's not gonna do us any favors, that shit. AH: What shit? JD: To -- to -- to -- to -- to -- to -- rattle each other's cages and not -- AH: Baby, be present. You're not -- that's not -- I was talking about something. Can you please respond to that. Please. JD: What did I say wrong? AH: [1:30:00] (pg 124) It's not wrong. Can you please respond to what I'm -- I'm -- I'm saying? JD: Maybe I missed the question. Give me the question again. AH: Every time we say to each other, we're gonna allow each other this, we're gonna allow each other to fuck up, we're gonna, you know, be human. And -- and you said, "well and just like maybe allow each other -- allow the other one to be themselves". And I said, "Wait a second, come on, we're talking about last night. I did not prevent you", me making a request of you or being honest with you about how I felt is not preventing you from being who you are. It's not. That's -- that is you shirking responsibility for having done something that's not really cool. You -- it was -- it wasn't a big deal. And it could have been not a big deal at all. But you like fundamentally just it's like you can't take any responsibility [inaudible] why can't you just say -- or why can't you actually -- imagine how you would feel if the table were turned and you were in the other person's -- that's what we need. We don't need this fuckin' rule of (note: "you"?) can't say sorry, or you have to say sorry a certain way, and it's too overu- -- we need sorry. We need humility. We need love. We need to care about the other person more than our fucking selves. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I don't disagree. Again, the sorry thing was more about being able to -- being able to say how you feel before saying "I'm sorry". Let me say what I feel. Let me hear what you feel. And if I'm wrong and if I've been a dick, (corr.) then fuckin' I am sorry. But -- but "I -- I'm sorry" shouldn't be -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: I can't -- JD: -- just a go-to thing before we explain ourselves. AH: I can't rely on you going and actually realizing -- JD: Well, it's not because -- AH: -- that you're sorry. Like you won't ever think you're -- JD: Everything that (corr.) you're bas---- AH: -- you won't ever think you're responsible. I know your personality. And you'll never think you're responsible. You'll automatically throw the blame. So if the rule is -- JD: Amber, you -- you do know that that's what you do. AH: Yet I say sorry all the time. That's weird. JD: So do I. AH: No, you don't. JD: I had a talk with you about, I felt like I was saying it too much. We had a talk about it (note: "it" or "this"?). AH: (corr.) You've felt like that since you were a kid. JD: Yes. I -- that's -- that's where I got the shit from. But in my lifetime, I, you know, my life before you, that was not the fuckin' case, you know? I'm only saying that the truth of what we feel is more important to hear from each other than "I'm sorry". Unless you're just coming into (corr.) the thing and saying, "look, I'm sorry, this is how I felt, I was wrong, bang." You know? I'm not saying (corr.) you [inaudible] (note: quotation marks added) AH: Do you actually think you'll be able to -- do you actually think you'll ever be able to in the moment, when someone says to you, "you did something that affects me negatively", do you actually think that you'll be able to transcend your immediate impulse to just fight back and -- and the one, the impulse, your immediate impulse that you've had since you were a kid, you say, you really think you can transcend that and then go -- and actually listen to me, for instance, say how I feel? Do you act- -- do you actually -- I mean do you think that? (note: quotation marks added) JD: Yeah. But you don't believe me, so. AH: I would -- I would love that to happen. And I think if you can do that, I -- I would do it. JD: Okay. AH: I would love it if, you know. Can't keep fighting about the same shit. I'm so sick of revisiting every fight we've ever had. I think you're right. I think we gotta move forward and start over. Are you okay? JD: Mmm. AH: [1:35:00] (pg 128) (corr.) But you gotta be able to let it go, too. (corr.) JD: Yeah. [No talking for half a minute, until 1:35:35.] AH: (corr.) I want the safety back. JD: Can you see me as (corr.) your man, or you see me as your friend? AH: What? JD: If you -- if you -- (corr.) mistrust a lot of my -- what my reactions are gonna be. Do you love me as a man? Do you love me as your husband, as the man who signed up to spend the rest of his life with you? It just doesn't sound like you trust me very well. And (corr.) that my reactions are gonna be fucked up and that I've never said "I'm sorry" to you and -- (note: quotation marks added) AH: I didn't say you never said it. JD: Okay, that I don't say "I'm sorry" to you. (note: quotation marks added) AH: I certainly don't think you'll say sorry to me like you think you will. I don't think you'll mean it. I don't -- 'cause I don't think you'll say it unless you mean it. And I don't think you'll mean it. And then I think sometimes you say sorry and you don't mean it, as you admitted to me earlier in a different fight, of course. And that made me feel like you're dishonest. So I don't want that either. So I don't know what the fuck. Because I certainly don't think that you'll be able to see if I, God forbid, if I get upset with you for something. I get hurt. If you do something that hurts me, because you're just not thinking or whatever it is, God forbid, if I have to deal with it. I don't know what I'll do. I don't know how to say it to you. You won't be okay. You won't -- the first thing you're gonna do is be defensive. And -- and -- and I -- I'm not trying to predict the future. I'm not trying to be discouraging. But I don't know what the fuck is gonna change, you know? I came over here to say, what are we gonna fuckin' do different. And I just feel like -- JD: Feel like what? AH: I don't know. I don't know. JD: (corr.) Then that's something you have to think about. AH: I -- I -- I came over here, and do you remember how I started this conversation? Do you remember me telling you I loved you? JD: Yes. AH: Do you remember me telling you you were my man? JD: Yes. AH: And that I can't imagine my life without you? JD: Yes. Do you remember me saying it back? AH: Yes. When I asked you about living your life with me, you said yes. (corr.) JD: Yeah. AH: You took a while, and you kind of begrudgingly said yes. JD: I gave you a weird look, like a -- (corr.) a kind of (corr.) a -- "what -- why -- (corr.) AH: Yeah. JD: -- why would I have fuckin' married you?" (note: quotation marks added) AH: Yes. JD: I -- I love you. Deeply. I love you passionately. I love you in every fucking way, in every fucking way. And it hurts to -- to -- to feel like I'm letting you down, (corr.) man, 'cause I don't -- 'cause I don't wanna do that. And -- and I know it hurts when we get in a big one, and I start calling you names, and you start calling me names. And, you know, and one of them, it was me more than -- doing more of the name calling. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: So the only fuckin' reason to ever, ever think about any of the fights again is as a reminder, and that's it. I really, really wish we could get there. (corr.) I do. And I'm sorry for last night. I'm sorry that I was at Isaac's for so long. (corr.) I fuckin'- I couldn't get out. AH: (corr.) It could've just been so simple. You know? Small. JD: (corr.) Oh (inaudible). Totally. (note: official transcript didn't transcribe the part before "Totally.", unofficial transcript says "Oh yeah, totally.", which makes sense, but I can't say for sure, I could see it being him saying "yeah" while yawning) AH: I have the right to get mad at you. JD: [1:40:00] (pg 132) You -- of course you do. AH: It's gonna happen. I'm a human. You're a human. We live together. I'm a woman. I'm your woman. I'm going to get mad at you. I'm telling you now, I'm going to get mad at you. There are gonna be things you -- you -- (corr.) but you -- it's like you use it as an excuse to -- to say, (corr.) you fuckin', you know, that you're in a bad situation, and you don't -- can't do it anymore, and you can't always let me down. And you grand -- you make it this grandiose thing, like this big negative grandiose thing, where if I say one thing to you, it's like you're always -- (corr.) it'll become "always" letting me down. And you can't be in the situation (corr.) where you're always letting me down. And it's not fair to me. It makes me so I can't say -- we can't have normal interactions. Like normal fights. Normal problems. I want you to be able to do the same with me, without me freaking out, thinking "this is it", you know? Which is where my head, you know, (corr.) I went yesterday. (note: quotation marks added) JD: Yeah. Of course. In those situations it's pretty easy (corr.) to have your head filled with that shit. I just -- just think that we can try with a counselor. Whether you wanna do this lady that's in town or whoever it is, I'm in. If you wanna do what's-her-face with the book, Amy -- Amy whatever her name is. Banks. We'll do it with her. If you want -- whatever (corr.). I -- I'm -- I'm prepared. I don't wanna be unhappy, no more than you do. So why shouldn't we try to fix it? AH: We need boundaries. JD: I agree. And -- and remember when we were talking and I said, you know what we should do? Write down on a piece of paper our - our things. Kind of [inaudible] (note: unofficial transcript says "needs", would make sense, but I can't tell) each other the -- AH: Sorry, excuse me. JD: Want some paper? AH: Yes. JD: It's not here. (note: this is so inaudible to me that I can't even hear THAT he's saying something due to the noise) AH: No? JD: No. It's not here. (corr.) AH: Sorry, I didn't mean (inaudible) --. JD: [inaudible] (corr.) probably just write on this. What is this? Okay. AH: (corr.) I don't wanna write [inaudible] JD: [inaudible] (note: all I can understand is "write down") What are you -- I mean, you can do the list all right now? [AH gets some papers and writes something.] JD: That's what you want? AH: No. This is to be off limits. Divorce. JD: Yeah. AH: That's on my list. You can never ever throw it around. That's on my list. JD: I haven't. AH: I -- I'm not saying you -- I'm not saying you did. I'm -- I'm saying it's (note: "it's" or "that's"?) on my list. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: And it's one I fucked up last night. So -- JD: Okay. AH: -- this is -- I'm being -- (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: -- impartial here. JD: Okay, cool. AH: That is a must for me. JD: I don't want a divorce. AH: Yeah. But I wanna feel safe. I wanna feel safe. I fucking don't feel it. I don't feel safe. I don't feel -- I'm looking at fucking apartments half the time. I mean like, not half the time. I fuckin' -- I don't wanna do that. I'm married. JD: I wish you would've told me. AH: I couldn't. I couldn't talk to you. You were busy. You were going to rehearsals. And every time I tried to talk to you a little bit, I wasn't -- we didn't have enough time. You were -- every time I spoke to you in that whole week you were rushing out. Never did you have time. And I even said this to you. JD: (corr.) I was there the night-- I was there right after rehearsals. AH: Please don't argue with me. I promise you that I'm not lying when I say this. I even said this to you. I said, "I feel like the last thing you have time for is me. I just want a little time, 10 minutes, whatever." And it was -- didn't have time. I was -- and then when I -- when I finally talked to you, which I carried (corr.) around all week, and when I finally talked to you, I said this to you. Remember when we talked that night, Whitney's birthday? (note: quotation marks added) JD: Yeah. Yeah, I did - I didn't wanna (corr.) go, yeah. AH: That night that we had that talk. And you apologized. JD: Yeah. AH: [1:45:00] (pg 136) We got married so that there would be safety, so that there was a foundation. And it's all fuckin' pointless. I'd rather take off my ring now and fuckin' live my life, and just say how it's go -- see how it goes, than to continue in this fucking forced thing, where we every single time go "I don't want this anymore." It's like -- it's like every time it gets hard. We didn't write vows. We didn't, you know, get around to doing the important shit, which is like, you know, fuckin' fighting for the wedding I fuckin' made happen. No. We didn't do that. We didn't say to each other, "I up and down, low and high, tough and easy, both." We didn't say that to each other, but we need to. It's gotta be sacred. There's no point in being married. We -- there's -- I don't get anything from this. You don't get anything from this. And what -- why? Safety. For the -- a foundation, for the home. We burn it to the ground every time we fight. And I know you didn't do it this time. (note: quotation marks added) Plt343 continued, unofficial transcript (missing from the official transcript): JD: I just don't - AH: Do you not agree? JD: Yeah, I mean it's not nice to hear you say "I'll just take my ring off right now and take my chances out there, you know, rather than go through this shit." I - AH: No, I meant instead of go through up and - I didn't mean it like that. I see why it came across that way. I'm sorry, I did not mean that. I did not mean it the way it came out of my mouth like that. I didn't mean that. JD: Okay. AH: I meant I'd rather do - I'd rather both of us cut our losses, you know, cut ties, instead of it being the thing that we always fucking go to whenever it gets hard. That's what I meant. JD: I agree. Yeah, I know, it shouldn't be that. And when I bring that up, yeah, that's the fucking child fucking shithead ego, you know, that doesn't want to whatever. It's a fucking dick. I don't want a divorce. But I do understand that if we're unable to do this, and it just keeps on like it's going, I really don't know, I don't know what else we can do. AH: Then maybe you're the one who needs to think about it. JD: (corr.) No. I want us to work. (corr.) I want it to-- AH: Yeah, but you want it to be easy, you like want it to just work and if it doesn't work out like this, then (corr.) I guess not. That's not the point of getting married! JD: (corr.) Ever. Divorce is not the point of getting married. AH: No! JD: Throwing your ring off, or saying I wanna split, is not the point of getting married. AH: Exactly. Exactly. JD: Throwing your fucking husband out of - AH: That happens, baby, that happens! I threw you out of the room. I didn't throw you out of the house. And you were already on your way anyway. (corr.) JD: No. AH: You know that's (corr.) a fucking - step one for you is taking off, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? You can't blame me for that! JD: I was going down to the couch, man. AH: That wasn't true. You always split. You always split. JD: I have to get out of the room if it's violent. AH: It was before it was violent. JD: (corr.) Oh, when I put my coat on? No. AH: You split every time. You split every time, Johnny -- JD: I put my coat on. AH: -- whether it's violent or not. JD: I've stated before, you have your truths and I have mine, and these will just have to be worked out with a therapist. Okay, 'cause there's no way that we're going (corr.) through (?) nitpicking each other. I don't- AH: I'm trying! JD: I know you're trying. But you're still getting wound up. AH: [1:50:00] That's 'cause I'm here, present. It's upsetting. JD: What's upsetting? (note: this is inaudible to me) AH: (corr.) This is a normal natural reaction to have. I don't - this is upsetting. (corr.) And I'm not taking a pill to medicate that. I would love to, but this is actually like an organic response, and I'm sorry it's not yours, but at least I'm trying to like - I am trying. You know, I wrote down something on the list of "never". But I need a pro- - I need promises! I need promises! We said this before, that "it won't happen again" and "this won't happen again" and "that won't happen again". And I can't - (corr.) I can't do it! You can't do it! JD: Again, you're the one (corr.) who brought up divorce last night. AH: Yes, that's why I'm being completely impartial when I'm making this list. I'm not assigning blame. I'm not writing down the things you do. JD: (corr.) No, you just said I can't do it. AH: Yes, neither can you. I can't do the thing (corr.) that we always do, which is that we make these - you know, we say these things- JD: That's what I just said before. AH: We say these things, and then we don't do them. I want a promise, I want security, I want the boundaries back up, I want you to commit. I want - I'm being very clear about what I want. I need promises from you. I need promises that this won't come up. I'll promise it back to you. JD: I need promises from you, too-- AH: I agree, and I--! JD: -- so let's do it, let's do it. AH: -- I'm here! JD: 'Cause I'm gonna make a list: "I promise I will not do this, I promise I will not do it." (corr.) I'll, I- I mean -- Can you actually say "I promise I will not do this"? And say "I promise I will fucking do my best"? AH: If it's normal shit, I can't. That's different than, "I will not -- (corr.) JD: Exactly. AH: -- take off my ring." JD: Right, no no. AH: (corr.) Unless I mean it. That's different. You know, like, I would love to say to you: "I promise I'll always be understanding, or let you be you, or not get, you know, be more." (corr.) I don't know, I could always promise that, but that's different from something very clear like divorce. You know what I mean? JD: Of course it is, yeah. AH: I want some stability back. And I know we'll build it over time, but don't you want that? JD: Of course I do. Let (corr.) me give it to you, accept it. Trust me. You think that I run from situations and threats- AH: You always take off. I can't trust you-- JD: Baby, baby-- AH: --when you do that. I have no trust. JD: Baby-- AH: It's why I freak out so fast these days-- JD: --baby. AH: (corr.) -- is that I assume you're splitting. JD: Baby, I can't be - I can't just stand there and take the punches. At a certain point, I'm gonna fucking react. AH: That's not what I'm asking. (corr.) Let's be fair. JD: (corr.) No, but-- No, but what I'm saying is - AH: We're talking about splitting. I'm not asking you to stand there while I punch you. Come on. JD: No, we're talking about me, yeah, getting out of the room, or leaving. It did not - I didn't - in Australia, I didn't leave the fucking house, I went to other rooms. You know, when I whatever. I didn't (corr.) fucking take off in San Franscisco or (corr.) whatever. Look, I go in another room, you know. AH: That's different (corr.) from saying "I'm getting another hotel room", which is what you did in Toronto. And then in France you said "I'm getting you a flight". And you involve, you know, people, other people. It's humiliating, it's embarrassing, it's demeaning to me, and it's - JD: You wanted a flight. AH: No, but you were the one to suggest a flight. JD: Possibly, yeah. Maybe I did. AH: You actually text Stephen that. And the same with the room. Your splitting is chronic, it's early, it's quick, it's so not - you're not interested in not fighting. You are guaranteeing a fight, when you do that. And I've told you (corr.) this so many times, you guarantee it. If you were interested in not fighting, you would be respectful, if you needed the space, to make - You would be careful not to perpetuate the fight longer by saying "I need a few minutes", and then actually honouring that. How can I trust you that it will be a few minutes, when you've done this in the past and disappeared for hours? You know, I got mad at you in Australia about this. I've said baby, "I want to trust you." It's hard for me not to try and work it out. If you wanna be the person that's like "I need to cool down", help me do that give that to you! But I can't give it to you if you always let me down and fuck up and forget! JD: [1:55:00] Because I gave you a time limit, 'cause I said I'll be back in three minutes. So I'm just - if that happens - AH: No, it's different! JD: If it happens - AH: It's different, you never - JD: If it happens, I'm just gonna say "look, I need some time". That's it. AH: I'm telling you, that will make it worse. JD: No. AH: I guarantee you, it will. JD: If you're fucking throwing punches- AH: I'm not talking about throwing punches. I'm talking about an argument. JD: Right. In arguments you tend to throw punches. AH: I'm talking about arguments. I'm not talking about the times when it's got physical. I'm talking about arguments. I'm talking about arguments. I'm talking about arguments. I'm not talking about fights. JD: Yes, in our arguments - AH: Earlier and earlier and earlier now, you split. You take off right away, and you don't deal with the issue, you don't deal with the confrontation, and you split. Whether it is - and then you do it for an undeterminate amount of time. You do it without actually respecting when you do give me a time, like say "I need a few minutes", you never actually honour anything close to that. So I can't trust you, especially when you always take off. JD: "A few minutes" is also an expression. It's not - AH: Yes, exactly, and I'm not holding you to it. I'm saying, hours and hours later is different. If you need time, cool. If we're in a fight, and you need time, cool. But you gotta be respectful about it. That way it won't perpetuate the fight more. It gives me anxiety, and makes me far more stressed, and far more angry, and perpetuates the amount of time that I can cool down and go "You know what, maybe I'm acting this way, or maybe I'm being mean to him, or maybe I'm doing this wrong, maybe I should come to his side or compromise more." It takes me so much longer, exponentially longer, when you take off. You use it to hurt me, it's a tool now that you use. And, come on, you can't act like you don't do it knowing it's gonna make me mad. JD: I'm not. It's not to get you mad. It's not to-- It's just to get out of a bad situation while it's happening, before it gets worse. In Australia, when we had the big fight where I lost the tip of my finger, at least five bathrooms and two bedrooms I went to, to- AH: To avoid talking to me. (corr.) JD: To escape the -- AH: To avoid working it out. (corr.) That's the problem. JD: To escape the fight! AH: You don't escape the fight, you escape the solution! JD: No. AH: You escape the solution! JD: No! AH: You escape figuring it out! We cannot work it out if you run away to the bathroom every time! JD: Listen to me. Listen to me. A boxer can't go twelve rounds without a fucking minute break. AH: I'm not not giving you a minute break. You do it at minute three at the beginning of an argument! JD: No. There are rounds, man, and when it gets too fucking hairy, the ref splits them apart or whatever. But all I'm saying is, you can't have a solution if the argument just keeps mounting and mounting and mounting and mounting. I fucking go into the bathroom and sit on the floor. Bam bam bam, here you come. I come out, fight fight fight, crazy, escalate it (note: "escalate it" or "escalated"?). I go and split again, I go to another fucking bathroom, or a bedroom or something. Knock knock knock, bang bang bang. You kept coming to get me. AH: Every single time I come to get you, what am I saying, 90% of the time? "Stop, let's work this out, please, I don't wanna do this." That's what you're fucking ignoring! That's the really fucking crazy thing, that I cannot understand! The self-delusion is so fucking deep that you are able to tell me right now all of this and mean it. How can you say that to me? And ignore that 90% of the time, what that "bam bam bam" is - as you're escaping me like I'm some sort of (corr.) like vicious harping bird in fucking-- in a Hitchcock movie and you can't get away from me - what you're fucking ignoring, and blatantly, is that (corr.) every single time I'm saying like this, I'm saying this to you: "Let's stop, babe, let's stop, let's work it out, I'm sorry, can we talk, let's get over this, let's stop, can we stop fighting?" That is what's so fucking insane! That you sit here and you tell me as if I'm so annoying to you, that you can't escape me! [2:00:00] That I'm actually coming to you and saying let's not do this! It is your issue that you can't let it go, you can't calm yourself down, you can't self-soothe, and you can't make yourself bigger than the thing that you're really feeling at that moment, and go "You're right, I know we're gonna come to a solution eventually, let's end it now and come straight to the solution." Or respectfully "I can't imagine coming to a solution 'cause I need to cool down, so just give me a few minutes", in which case I would respect that, if you would respect it, too, and you would actually be a reasonable amount of time! But I don't have that option! And you - what you ignore on purpose is that I'm coming to you saying "Let's stop doing this", and you perpetuate the fight! You perpetuate it when you run away. You start it when it could (corr.) just be this petty argument, and you make it not a petty argument because you run away, and then it becomes a fight, instead of just saying sorry. Instead of working it out, instead of facing it, instead of confronting things, you run away at minute three! And then it's impossible to work it out, because you've insulted me, now I'm mad, and then I have to come to you to go: "Come out of the bathroom, baby, let's work this out." Which I can't do because that's annoying to you, too. How would you feel if I ran away from you all the time? You (corr.) fucking like it! You fucking deal with it! Now it's my turn! I get to avoid fucking problems! I get to avoid the responsibility! Let's see how that works out for you! I'm (corr.) -- (note: transcript says "You wouldn't fucking like it", I don't hear a "wouldn't", but in case it isn't clear, I'm not saying she's telling him that he likes it if she ran away, but "to" like it, just like with the "you deal with" right after that, like a "let's see how you would do, if I did that" kinda thing) [It sounds like AH stands up to leave.] JD: Let's avoid fights. And by the way - (note: I think at the beginning he says "Let's just avoid fights.", but can't say for sure) AH: Yeah, let's be perfect! JD: And by the way- AH: Why don't we just be perfect? Why don't we just live in make-believe land? JD: [inaudible] I told you again earlier, that's impossible. What I'm saying is, avoid, for me - AH: I try. I try. JD: When you tried to go into the fucking room or the [inaudible] AH: If I'm so annoying to you, I can't do it anymore! JD: Stop, please, please. Listen to me. Let me finish this. AH: Fine, I'm done! I give up! JD: Let me finish this. If I went to five bathrooms and two bedrooms, how is it that you came and said "let's stop this"? AH: You're right, I made it up. JD: Seven times? AH: Yes. Yes. I - JD: Seven times you came to me, in different places, to say let's stop this. AH: I don't know which fight you're talking about. I don't know which one. JD: I'm talking about Australia, the day that I (corr.) chopped my finger off. (note: Long note, sorry... The unofficial transcript says "the day that I [inaudible] my finger". I can definitely hear "chopped my finger off", however, after having listened to this multiple times, I realized that I actually can't tell whether he says "I" or "you", because Amber is talking over it at that very moment. And before anyone goes "You're just BIASED!", I wanna be clear that I do think "I" is most likely, but just based on what I'm able to hear it could also be "you". So, as I've done before and will continue to do, even with completely unimportant nitpicky-like things, I'm mentioning this, because I'm trying to be accurate, not because I'm trying to convince people that he said "you". I simply can't tell for sure which it is, as I can't (and I don't believe anyone can) clearly hear that what he said is an "I".) AH: Now we're talking about Australia? Okay, yeah, I tried a million times. JD: Seven times. In different places. AH: I tried a million times, yes, in different places. (note: what she says between "yes" and "different" is inaudible to me and I don't think it sounds like "in", even though it makes sense considering what she's responding to) JD: Why did I go in those places then? AH: Because you weren't ready to get over it. You couldn't self-soothe. You couldn't control yourself. You couldn't- JD: I needed time. AH: No, because I'd come to you and I'd say "look, let's get over this, work it out, whatever". And instead of you actually doing that, you would fucking explode, you'd get mad at me and the fight would continue. Guess what, it could have been a petty argument. Like last night, it could have been a petty argument. Every time, it could just be a petty argument. But when you run away, and then you validate it with some high [inaudible] you're-just-trying-to-make-it-better nonsense - JD: I'm not trying to make it better necessarily, I'm just trying to - AH: No you're not, you're trying to protect yourself and yourself only, because you cannot control your anger. JD: I am trying- AH: And you cannot control it. JD: No, in fact you know what? I am trying to make it better, by doing exactly this kind of thing. And you ask any fucking doctor, you ask Cowan, you ask anybody. The best thing to do if it's coming to a fucking horrible violent thing, is fucking walk away, take your fucking time, go to your corners. That's the best thing you can fucking do. (note: "by doing exactly this kind of thing" is mostly inaudible to me, I tried to figure out what I can understand, but the noise while he's talking there is driving me insane) AH: If you were actually doing that, I would agree. JD: Seven times. Seven times. AH: I don't know what seven times you're talking about! I don't know- JD: Five bathrooms, two bedrooms. AH: You were coked out of your fucking mind! You were fucking crazy, you didn't sleep for days! You were delusional! You were psychotic! Literally, you went into psychosis! Do not tell me about your behaviour during that fucking escapade! I have tried to completely block it out! JD: And I threw the vodka bottles? AH: You can poke an animal, no matter how calm they are! JD: Did I throw the vodka bottles? AH: You can fucking poke them- JD: Did I throw the vodka bottles? (corr./note: the transcript has him asking this here twice instead of once, he's asking the question 3 times in total, not 4 times) AH: You threw bottles, you threw me - JD: No. AH: You hit me. Yes you did! You were - JD: You threw- AH: You're right! Your - (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Your three nights of skipping sleep, your bags of cocaine - JD: After you- AH: Your fucking redbull and your booze, is all - You know what, Johnny? You know what? You wanna hear what you wanna hear? You're right, let's get everyone in here to just pamper you and fluff you and tell you you're right. You know what, your memory's probably - JD: If that's how you feel about (corr.) me - AH: No, your memory's probably equal to mine. It has nothing to do with your psychosis, had nothing to do with the cocaine, it had nothing to do with the booze, it had nothing to do with your meds, it had nothing to do with your lack of sleep and how that puts you into a manic state. You're right! JD: You forgot about the eight ecstasies. AH: You are accurate! No, your memory's accurate! Your memory's accurate! You've got it now, your memory's perfectly accurate! You are a fucking stand-up man! You fucking - JD: Eight ecstasies, (corr.) you forgot those. AH: Oh yeah, you're right, I did, so you know what, you're probably right. You probably - your memory, Johnny, is probably spot on and perfect, comparable to mine. I was sober, but that's fine. You can fucking - you can guess it all you want. I fucking remember that shit! [2:05:00] I remember that shit! JD: So do I. So do I. AH: You were out of your mind. JD: Yes I was. AH: You're telling me about a fucking vodka - You know what, (corr.) (inaudible), forget it, I don't wanna fight about Australia. I don't wanna talk to you about Australia. If you wanna fucking persist and never let go of a goddamn thing, you're never ever gonna be truly together with anybody. (note: "gonna be truly together with" is inaudible to me) No one's gonna make you happy. And you run away at the first sign of trouble. (corr.) (inaudible) Any time that there's a fucking problem, you fucking run away and you make it worse. And you act like (corr.) there's some high [inaudible] (note: sounds kinda like "arguesome" to me?) self-righteous thing, that you're just doing the big thing, the honourable thing (corr.) and walking away. You know what, I believe that horseshit. If you actually have ever done this - "I need to cool down, I'm walking away, I'm not walking away from you, I wanna work this out, just give me an hour" - if you ever actually did it responsibly, I'd say yeah you're right, you're being the bigger person. That is not the case. You fucking run away, -- (corr.) JD: Right. AH: -- and there's a difference. (corr.) JD: Right. AH: Every time you get fucking stressed, every time I'm picking on you by having a problem with you. JD: Because I don't have enough time to get those words in. You are clearly on tape, fucking, like, just haranguing (corr.) and not giving me a second to fucking speak. So I could easily say "hey, I need, you know -" AH: Yeah, you could try. I don't think you ever try. I (corr.) can't hear it when you're running away. I'm not trying to be insulting to you. (note: the "to you" is completely inaudible to me, as in, due to noise I can't hear if she even says anything at all there) I cannot talk to you. We cannot work it out. We can never work anything out, when you do that. It perpetuates it, it makes it fucking - JD: You are perpetuating it, and you are making it worse, right now. AH: Why am I always the one knocking on the door, saying "let's stop this"? (note: she says something after "let's stop this", possibly "sorry"?) That's not me - that's not me perpetuating it. That's me trying to be the bigger person. JD: I have been as calm as a fucking cucumber in this fucking fight. AH: Yeah. JD: I have tried, I have said I'm sorry, I've said "I wanna fucking try (corr.) everything, I wanna go to a fucking shrink or whatever." I've said everything, I've said "yeah I'm going here, yeah I'm going there." But listen, do you understand that you are just -? (note: everything after "But listen" is inaudible to me) AH: No, you're not, but like, I am! (note: I'm not sure about the "but like") In fact, you can't decide if I say sorry too much or too little, because I feel like you've also criticized me for saying sorry too much. I fucking apologized profusely for yesterday. JD: (corr.) I didn't say (corr.) "too much". I just said "'I'm sorry' as a go-to thing (corr.) first and foremost --". AH: It wasn't a go-to thing. I meant it. JD: (corr.) -- (inaudible) go-to thing, it becomes, it will become meaningless, unless we say "look, here's what I was thinking, did I fuck up?" And then you say, "Yes you did fuck up and it made me feel this." And then, "fuck I'm sorry, I'm really fucking sorry." That requires some type of cooler (note: "cooler" or "cool"?) head. AH: Yes, and neither of us really have that, but at least I can calm down, at least I can get (corr.) help (?). You don't have a cool head. You have it right now, but you can't be on Xanax all the time. You definitely needed it today, but you can't be on it all the time. You know what I mean? You're gonna have that temper back, that makes you not as calm as you are right now. JD: Amber, my meds I am taking, I will take. AH: I'm not (corr.) crit--! Zero, zero judgement. You need to pump the breaks on actually thinking that I'm judging you just because I made a statement. I am not, there is zero judgement. I even added - JD: (corr.) You said you can't be on Xanax all the time. AH: But you don't take it all the time (corr.), so -- But my point is, if you're calm right now, that's great and it's wonderful and you need to be, and I'm really glad you took a Xanax to help you calm down. JD: (corr.) (inaudible) calm last night. AH: But, but you can't be calm all the time. I mean you can't be on Xanax all the time that will help kind of keep you calm - or maybe you are, I don't know. But it was not (corr.) a judgement! That was not judgement! JD: Look- AH: I own what I say, I say what I fucking mean! I don't need anyone, fucking you or anyone, putting words in my god-damn mouth. I mean what I fucking say! Do you hear me? I mean what I say, I say what I mean, and you're not gonna sit here and fucking change it for me. I am so sick and fucking tired of you telling me all the time what I actually said, and what I meant. I'm telling you what I mean. I had no judgement on that, that was your projection, that's you putting that shit on me! There is zero judgement there! JD: Why bring it up? AH: Maybe because it's a fact, 'cause it matters, 'cause it factors in, because it's relevant. I don't know, many of those things. JD: Didn't you earlier (corr.) go get a propranolol? AH: Yes, I have propranolol right here. JD: Well then- AH: What does that change? JD: Same as the Xanax. (note: all I can understand is "the Xanax") ("quick" note: These constant noises of whatever is happening with the phone or next to it or whatever are making it really difficult for me to get through these recordings, particularly as I'm trying to correct the transcripts. Listening just once and moving on, I can deal with, but constantly having to go back during such moments to re-listen, often 10+ times, trying to see if I agree with what was transcribed or can make out what's being said, with the volume turned all the way up, the voices either barely audible or screaming into my ears or both and the noises genuinely hurting my head, sometimes even startling me, the constant clicking and clacking and banging and rustling and crackling, it's driving me insane. So I think at least for the rest of this recording, when there are these noises and/or screaming, I might not go back and listen to these parts over and over again anymore. This also means fewer notes to let you know what's inaudible to me or whether I agree with what was transcribed or not, and presumably fewer corrections. My apologies for that! Or you're welcome, if you think there are too many anyway. :-)) AH: [2:10:00] That changes how you react to stimuli. JD: In what way? AH: It keeps you calmer. JD: And what does the propranolol do? AH: It's supposed to slow your heart rate down. It has absolutely no psycholog- JD: [inaudible] AH: No it does not! It has zero psychological effect whatsoever. It reacts physically to the mechanisms in your brain that control your heart. That's it. It does not make me less upset - clearly! JD: Yes it does. AH: It does not make you less- It does not affect you psychologically! It doesn't affect! JD: I have taken it. AH: Then you should fucking know! It does not make you fucking calm, as you can clearly see! JD: If you (corr.) have to go and make a fucking speech, if you have to do this or that that makes you nervous, propranolol is what they give you. Propranolol is what they give you. AH: I know that. JD: Okay, so that's what it's for. AH: Thank you! I'm so glad we're talking about this. JD: It is for stress. AH: It does not affect you psychologically, at all. JD: But you know, you - AH: Look it up! I don't fucking care, I won't talk about fucking it anymore, you can fucking look it up! JD: You don't get high. AH: It clearly doesn't work, does it? JD: You don't get high on it. AH: No you don't! And it doesn't calm you down psychologically. It's supposed to slow your heart rate down. Clearly it doesn't really work that well! You need a lot! It's not affecting my judgement at all! It doesn't affect how angry I am, it does not affect how passionate I am. And I was not criticizing you or judging (corr.) you at all, which is why you wanted to reach for what I'm taking as a means to defend yourself. But you ignore everything I said, which is, there is absolutely zero judgment on that! I was pointing out that you will not react as cool-headed as you are right now, because if anything should happen while you're not on Xanax, it could be an explosion. That's all! I was pointing out that both of us have tempers, and what will happen if you're not on Xanax, and if something comes up, will you be able to talk to yourself and reason with that inner self? That's what I was bringing up! It had no judgement on it whatsoever! I'm actually very glad you took a Xanax -- (corr.) JD: Yeah. AH: -- and I'm very happy for you! There is zero, zero fucking judgment! I don't need you fucking telling me what I said! I don't need your fucking goddamn projection on me. I didn't fucking go there. You can fucking listen to me or not, I don't fucking care! I'm just gonna walk away for a minute, okay? JD: Take your time. [No talking for 6 minutes, until [2:18:30].] (this is where Plt343 (4h 20 min audio) and Plt356 (2h 10 min audio) start to overlap) AH: I don't know what to do. JD: (corr.) You don't what to do? AH: I don't know what to do. I came here to tell you I love you and to tell you - I said all that shit and I'm so stupid, I feel like... [No talking for another minute, until [2:20:11].] (00:05:06 of Plt356) AH: I wanna go back home. You do whatever you want, you do whatever you want, you go wherever you want. [Inaudible] AH: I don't know what else to do. JD: I can't hear you, baby, I'm sorry. AH: I don't know what else to do. JD: I thought that we had some sort of game plan. (note: I'm giving up on Plt343 and will listen to Plt356 for probably the rest of this. Just letting you know in case you're listening to Plt343 and there are inaudible parts in it that are audible in Plt356 and you're wondering how anyone could understand those. If there are inaudible parts in Plt356 I will also check Plt343 for those. At some point I just started going back and forth, as Amber was generally better to understand in Plt343 and JD was generally better to understand in Plt356.) AH: I told you what I needed. You said (corr.) we should (corr.) make a lists, but yet you don't. Seeing the counselor is not gonna just -- it's not gonna do it. It's not alone enough. We've gotta change how we do things, and I wanna trust you, and I feel like all the trust is gone. All of the fucking trust is gone in the relationship because you keep splitting! Like, we fight together-- (corr.) JD: If there's no trust-- AH: -- but you're the only one who splits, and I want that back. But you - you - JD: If there's no trust, (corr.) there's nothing to be talking about. AH: Then maybe there's nothing to talk about. But I did come over here with enough love in my heart, and sincerity- JD: Thank you. AH: To say to you all the things I said, which now I feel like - but I meant them! You know I fucking meant them! Even though you fucking split, and didn't come home. You know, I still did that. I fucking have shown myself, I've proven myself, I've fought for you, I've showed up. JD: I'm not gonna be in a physical fucking altercation with you. AH: Don't! Then don't! JD: You fucking hit me last night! You fucking- AH: What about all the other times you split? Come on, you cannot act like that's about that, it's not! JD: Well on a plane, I can't split. AH: No, and you hit back, so don't act like you don't fucking participate. JD: I pushed you. AH: I'm not gonna get into the details of that fight. You and I both know that you split when there is no physical violence involved, and that you do it at the very beginning of fights these days. and if you split and you go into a different room and you don't actually leave that house, it does nothing but perpetuate the fight! And you don't actually do it respectfully, you don't do it in a way that actually means we won't fight. It always makes more fights. It always makes them longer. It never ever makes you calmer. You never come out going "I wanna talk" or "I'm okay" or "it's gonna be okay". And I'm sick and tired 100% of being the only one that goes and fights for it. You know what that does? It demoralizes the half of this relationship that is me. It demeans me, it demoralizes me- JD: Really? AH: Yes, really. Really, when you split on me - how do you feel when I leave you? -- JD: When I split? -- AH: -- I've left you before. JD: When I go into the other room, you're saying? AH: You get another room, you get a flight -- (corr.) JD: When-- When did-- When is-- AH: -- things like that. And you asked me not to in Australia and ever since then (corr.) I've- JD: (corr.) No, how many? How many? How many? You're wrong. AH: I don't know. (corr.) I have to count them up. JD: No, because I haven't left you-left you in the house, maybe twice, last night and another time. AH: No, you've done it before, I've come here (corr.) before. I'm not doing that anymore. JD: Yeah, you've come here before, last time, and another time - (corr.) and then last night. AH: You've done this several times. And-- (corr.) JD: No. I went into other rooms. AH: -- And, getting me a room - I mean, another room at a hotel's just the same thing! JD: When did I get another room at a hotel? AH: You text Stephen, or Nathan, in Toronto to get you another room. It's chronic, it happens all the time, and if you do it to go into another room, you do it and you get dressed- JD: You were fucking screaming at me. AH: I am not going to validate my actions last night, I feel very bad about how I reacted. JD: No, I'm talking about Toronto. AH: I did not start screaming until you had fucking said all the shit - you poke an animal enough, it is eventually, doesn't matter how friendly it is or how cool- JD: That's not true. Well, it's the same for me. It's the same for me. AH: I stayed cool for so long, and you kicked and kicked and kicked. (corr.) So I have not done this to you. I have not said these things to you. I have not started the fight by saying I'm gonna get another room! And I'm not gonna sit here and fight about fucking Toronto anymore! Guess what? I've let it go! I'm not fucking talking about Toronto. JD: Send me the tapes. AH: I can yell it, I can whisper it, I can write it. [2:25:00] (00:09:55 of Plt356) Guess what? I'm not saying another fucking word about Toronto. I am so sick and tired of fucking fighting about old fights. This is not about a fight, this is broad. This is a broad thing. And if I'm telling you, every single time you get dressed and you fucking split at the top of a fight, you never fucking try and work it out, you never fight for me, you never come to me, you never self-calm, you never self-soothe, you're never the one to throw the olive branch, I'm sick and tired of it, (corr.) it needs to fucking change! And you can go "I can't meet those demands, I can't do it", or you can fucking promise me so I have a modicum of safety, I feel a modicum of respect, a little tiny shit sliver of fucking, like, "You are in this whether it is good or bad". Whether it is good or bad, down and up, lows and highs, tough and easy! Not just when it's easy! I feel like you're a fucking vacation husband. You are so there when it's good. You're so there when it's easy. The second it gets hard, you question it. Last night I'm just as guilty, I give you that, but I have been primed and conditioned. At this point-- I thought I'd never get over Toronto, it hurt so bad. I got fucked over so bad. And I did not do anything like that, I didn't stoop to that level at all! JD: You've got the tapes. Let me hear 'em. AH: Absolutely. I wish, I wish it had caught everything too. JD: Why don't you send me -- (corr.) send me the fucking recordings? AH: I will. I will. JD: Just text them to me. AH: I don't know how else to say "I will" to you! Hasn't really been a kind of safe environment now, has it? So if I'm looking to stoke a fire, yeah, okay. I haven't, because we have not been well! We have not been good! When I fucking move out, if I move out, then you'll have 'em and you can fucking relish them! And you won't fucking like it, what you hear. It won't make you happy! But you hear what I'm telling you? We haven't really been good - it hasn't (corr.) really been a safe environment now, has it? You act like you're fucking on something when I haven't (corr.), you know, sent you this. (corr.) Like, "Well, (corr.) send them to me." Get this: it hasn't been good. It's been a little tough. JD: (corr.) Well, it wasn't before Rio. AH: Wasn't tough? JD: I mean, only in the sense that you tried to keep me, you know- AH: It's been really tough. JD: Then why did you come to Rio? AH: All I've been trying to do is be with you, spend time with you. You said you needed that, you said that it made a difference that I wasn't working, you wanted me to travel with you -- JD: That was the time you were looking for apartments? AH: -- you said our relationship would be different. That was after Toronto. JD: Yeah, but that's when we came back here. AH: I know where we were. JD: Toronto, Boston, here (corr.), rehearsals. AH: I know where we were. We've been on the road basically since Australia and I have been at your side. And I have not been (corr.) filming a movie. JD: Well, we were on our honeymoon, I hope you were at my side. AH: I'm not talking about just a honeymoon, now, am I? I'm talking about many months, and was it all the honeymoon, no! I have been at your side throughout it all. You said "Why did you come to Rio?" and I answered you. I would love for it to be better. I have no fucking consistency, no safety, no security. The relationship is something - me is something you don't fight for, you don't stand up for, you always run from when it's tough. I'm telling you, I need more - I (corr.) need, we didn't say vows, you didn't make them exactly in that way, you know, but - but now is the fucking time! I need to know if you're gonna be there! I want promises, I told you that at the beginning of this conversation! I need promises that you're gonna fucking be there! I need promises that this is important to you - not when it's easy, when it's hard too - that this is something you'll fight for, that this is something that's sacred, that neither of us throw out at every fight. I can't be the only one to hold the promises. I was in Toronto and it fucked me over! I can't be the only one! You can't be the only one! If I split on you, all those times I thought about doing it, we would not be here. And I stayed, and it's tougher, you know, that's stronger, I'm stronger. It is easy to run. It is easy to run away from problems. It is easy to take that out and say "well, that's the easiest", I mean "that's the best, safest way out". I'm not saying we should get in physical altercations. I never wanna be in that. Never! But every time you don't like what I say, and you fucking run away - we'll never work out anything. You can't run away every fight! You can't! It's easy, it's not brave, it's not strong! It's harder to say to somebody: "I wanna work this out. I wanna face what I have, I wanna face what you have, I wanna work it out with you." You're not working it out. [2:30:00] (00:14:50 of Plt356) You're running away, and then you make me be the bigger person every single time and come to you, and knock on the door, and come to this house and say: "Hey, we're married, it's supposed to be sacred! Calm down, calm down!" JD: I made you? I made you? AH: Yes, by default! If you're never the one to do it, one of us is and I'm the one to do it every time. It means I'm the bigger person every time. It means I have to be the strong one. It means every time I have to fight for our relationship and you get to be not - you get to be lazy, you get to be cowardly, I don't know what it is- JD: Then what are you (corr.) here for? What do you need me for then? AH: Once again, I am fighting for the relationship, I want- JD: With a guy (corr.) that you don't fucking trust or like? Why? AH: I did not say I didn't like you. I love you. You're my favorite person in the world. JD: I don't see how I could be. AH: Remember what I said at the beginning - I'm sorry you feel like you can't imagine it - but I said this to you at the beginning of this conversation. I said "you're my favorite person in the whole world". If you weren't the most magnetic, shiny, beautiful, interesting, dynamic person I have ever met in my life, it would be so easy to walk away from this bratty thing that you do! JD: Untrustworthy, um... AH: Did you hear what I just said? JD: Yeah. AH: I said I can't trust, I can't trust - that's not meaning you're untrustworthy, it means we've created a situation - and I'm telling you what you do to create it too - we've created a situation in which there cannot - trust can't grow. It's like, it's trampled every single time, and we need a marriage - that's why I sat down! Do you not remember me sitting down at the very beginning of this conversation and saying just that to you, saying: "I know you got married for security and for safety, so did I." We did not get married because it was something that we were doing, (corr.) you know, for -- 'cause it was something where we could walk away - we wanted a foundation, no? (note: the "where" in the last sentence is inaudible to me) JD: I (corr.) want-- Yes, I wanted to make you my wife, I love you. AH: Yes, yes, but... you could just have me as your girlfriend if you didn't want the foundation! And you told me - and maybe you'd (note: "you'd" or "you"?) go back on it now, fine, okay, cool, lie about that, I don't know - you told me you wanted a foundation. You told me you wanted the security, you wanted the safety, you liked the foundation. At the beginning you said "I really like having that-- (corr.) JD: Of course. AH: -- it feels safe." JD: Of course. AH: So don't argue with me when I say it now! JD: I'm not arguing with you. AH: Oh, yeah, but you had to pick it apart. JD: By saying because I loved you and (corr.) you're my wife? I wanted you to be my wife? That's picking it apart? AH: No. JD: Then... how did I pick it apart? AH: I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna fight about a fight. I don't wanna fight about the semantics. I don't wanna- JD: How come when I come up with a point you can't answer (corr.) it, suddenly you don't wanna answer it? AH: What am I not answering? 'Cause I don't wanna start a fight about this new thing. No, I don't want to! I said you wanted the safety and security and you stopped me, you interrupted me, and then you said, what? "No, because I wanted to have you as my-" JD: I didn't interrupt you, you asked me, "right?" You said "right?" AH: I meant you interjected. I meant you said. You said. How about that? See, now is this better? I answered you, I addressed what you're saying, now can we please not fight about that? JD: And I said, "because I love you." AH: You said "loved". JD: We're talking about a fucking event that's past tense (note: "that's past tense" or "that's passed since"?). If I used "loved", my apologies, it doesn't mean I don't love you now. AH: My whole point that you had, I don't know, an issue with, is that you love me, yes, you married me though because you wanted some safety, some security, some stability, a foundation. Now if you take issue with that, okay, you take issue with it. But if you agree, then you agree that's who you were when you married me. JD: Yes, but the only thing that's missing is "with you". (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: I wanted those things "with you" -- AH: Yes. (corr.) Yes. JD: -- and that's what I was trying to say. AH: Me too. JD: (corr.) 'Cause I love you and I wanted to marry you, for that. For our love, for the security, for the foundation - yes, of course. But you left "for you". AH: I'm sorry I didn't. Me too. I mean "with you", of course. JD: Or "with you", or whatever. AH: I mean that, of course. Of course I do. Of course I want that with you, it's why I married you. But I need the safety, I need the security, I need the boundaries, and I think you - (corr.) could you not agree? JD: I need the s-- I need the same things. AH: So - JD: But when you start flipping out, and I can't get a word in, and it's, you know, manic and angry -- (corr.) AH: I get angry. JD: -- what the fuck Amber? AH: I get angry! I'm human! This is the kind of situation where one gets angry! JD: Okay, but you can't provoke anger in me, then. If I - AH: I can't control that, if I'm angry- JD: Just try. Just try. Let's both try - if there's anger, if there's something fucking really really fucking poking us in the ass - let's try. (note: I removed a note.) JD: [2:35:00] (00:19:55 of Plt356) Try not to fucking fight. Try to address it without jumping down each other's throats, because all that's gonna do is build a mountain of fucking resentment, some species of fucking hatred within the love, and totally fucking mistrust. Because you say you don't trust me, you don't trust me - I get it, okay, I'm (corr.) flake, I'm a this, I'm a that, alright- AH: I didn't say as a person. I was speaking specifically about this. I don't trust the marriage, I don't trust you, I don't feel safe with it 'cause you always fucking bail on it. JD: Well, then- AH: That's sick. JD: I don't know, you know. AH: I want the trust back. You can deflect all you want, say it's my fault, say "how dare I get angry at you ever?" Whatever. I'm telling you. JD: I'm telling you. As much as you don't like that shit in your marriage, I don't like the guff that you put on me in our marriage. And if it causes distrust in me, it causes distrust in me, yeah. AH: I don't know how to help you. JD: I don't know- AH: I don't know what - the thing is- JD: (corr.) And sometimes I don't. I don't wanna fucking be there and go through this shit, I don't, man. I don't. AH: I know. JD: 'Cause I don't wanna fucking... fight. AH: But it doesn't have to be one. It's not like I'm saying "hey, choose fight!" JD: You just said, "I get mad, I'm gonna scream!" AH: No, I didn't say that's always the case. I said yeah, I'm mad, it happens. It happens. JD: Yes, I know. It happens often. AH: The things that are wrong are repeating themselves and they happen often. If you think I'm some fucking tyrant or bully, then don't fucking be with me, but don't sit here and insult me like I'm the fuck-up because I have the audacity to get mad. JD: (corr.) But you're the one saying that I'm the tyrant and the bully, and at the same time the guy that runs away- AH: I have called you a bully. You are! You run away every single fight. JD: Okay, so, (corr.) I mean, then what are you doing with me? AH: I'm not lying about it. JD: Then what are you doing with me? AH: I already answered that, I already spent - We went through this conversation literally five minutes ago. I answered this already five minutes ago. JD: You just said to me that I shouldn't be with you. AH: No, I said that you- JD: That's what I feel. AH: No, I said if I'm some, you know, harping bully which is what you make me sound like, that I'm like constantly on you making you feel bad - 'cause that's what I do. And then you ignore everything, you take me for granted, you're ignoring everything that I do for you. You make me sound terrible, you talk about me in a terrible way. You do not fight for me. And then you wanna sit here and make me sound so terrible to be around- JD: What do you mean, I don't fight for you? What's that mean? AH: Everything I've already explained, ten minutes before. JD: No - "(corr.) fight for you", I don't understand? What does that mean? AH: You never, ever, do the work, put in the work. If we're arguing about something, you don't ever try to get to the bottom of it, figure out, make the peace. You want to make it easy on you so you split. You don't fight for me, you don't fight when there's a problem, you don't come to me, you don't make peace with me, you never extend an olive branch, you're never the bigger guy, you're never the one that's like "okay, I'm gonna put my own feelings aside for a second and say, this is bigger than us, let's stop fighting." You never are the one to come and knock on my door. You take me for granted! JD: That's not true. That's not true. I'm not the one who fucking throws fucking pots and whatever the fucking else at me. AH: Those are diff-- That's different. That's different. (corr.) One does not negate the other. That's irrelevant. It's a complete non-sequitur. Just because I've thrown pots and pans does not mean that you come and knock on the door. JD: Vases and fucking- AH: Just because there are vases does not mean that you come and knock on the door. JD: Really, I should just let you throw? AH: I'm not saying that. You're saying that. You're putting words in my mouth, and then making non-sequiturs. JD: No, I'm giving you a situation. AH: No, you're trying to justify how you don't or do come to the door, based on whether I throw pots and pans. It's irrelevant! JD: No, I am justifying how you seem to think that there's this cowardice in me that runs away and I don't fight for you. AH: And you're justifying that by saying I throw pots and pans? Ok, cool, let's talk about everything you do wrong. JD: No! I'm not the one who fucking did that. I don't fucking- I didn't- AH: So that makes-- So that makes sense. So that's clear, yeah. JD: Do I...? The only time I ever threw anything at you was when you fucking threw the cans at me in Australia! AH: Why are you - why are you trying to justify who throws things based on whether or not you come knocking on the door? JD: [2:40:00] (00:24:55 of Plt356) Because that- AH: I don't get why one informs the other! JD: Because that is a fucking irrational and violent fucking manoeuvre! AH: How does one inform the other? JD: So a man would want to get out of that area so that he doesn't get so fucking angry that he actually does pop the fucking wife! AH: How does one inform the other? JD: Oh, man. Go home and listen to the tape. Please, that's what they're for. AH: Yes, you listen to the fucking tape. JD: Oh, I'm gonna. AH: So will I. [No talking for half a minute, until 2:41:10.] (00:26:05 of Plt356) AH: I'm not gonna sit here and promise you (corr.) I'll never get mad at you or that you'll never fuck up. I know you wanna live in a land, in a world where everyone just says yes to you and doesn't question you or criticize you ever- JD: Don't insult me like that, please. AH: But that's not the case, it's not why you're with me. I am honest with you. I'm sorry, you don't wanna be held accountable, I get it. (corr.) No one really does. JD: I'm not sure you're so honest with me. AH: Well, that's your- JD: Watching you lie in front of Travis last night was really a spectacle. AH: Yeah, that's your problem, and that's your whole thing that you've created. JD: That's my problem, but my problem's that you don't trust me? What the fuck is going on in there, man? AH: No, I don't trust you in this. I don't trust you in this, and I want the trust back. JD: You don't trust me in our marriage? Well, what is everything we're talking about? Our marriage. AH: Tell me if you wanna stop talking, then just tell me. Just tell me. JD: You're saying you don't trust me personally, or you don't trust me in the marriage? What? I don't understand what's so different? Tell me the difference, please. AH: I think I have, in the last few hours now. JD: No, I think you could probably explain it to me a little better. I'm slow. AH: You wanna keep being an asshole? JD: Do I wanna keep being an asshole? AH: Stop the attitude. JD: It's a redundant question. AH: Stop the attitude. JD: I should stop the attitude, okay, sure, no problem. AH: Stop! JD: No problem. (note: no talking for about 20 seconds.) AH: (corr.) Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and go over every fight we've had. I'm not gonna re-fight this fight. You have something you're holding onto about Travis? Fucking go! (corr.) Fucking... go fuck! You know, go do it, go run away together! I don't know what you're fucking holding onto, but you have created that. I have no part of that. I don't know what you've fucking latched onto in your brain - what stray hairs have fucking comingled and tangled in your brain to make you think you've really figured some sort of thing out - but this is not unusual for you. It's like almost every fight I could pretty much guarantee you'll find something that you can, like, manipulate and twist into something. JD: Let's ask Travis tonight, if you told him- AH: Yes, why don't we invite Travis into our fucked-up, broken-ass, three-fucking-wheeled truck of a marriage? Why don't we crash it straight into the wall? Because no one knows us better than fucking Travis! JD: You're just afraid that the truth will come out. AH: What truth? JD: That you lied. AH: What are you fucking talking about? I didn't fucking even have a fucking thing to lie about! What are you fucking talking about? Every fucking fight, there's a new thing that you've convinced yourself is a lie! JD: No, I said to you: "Amber, tell Travis what you just did." AH: [laughs and claps] JD: "Did you just fucking-- Did you punch me in the fucking jaw? Did you fucking kick... did you? Did you?" And you wouldn't say a fucking- You said, "I don't know what you're talking about, never fucking happened." AH: Course I lied! I see the lie. I see the lie. You really should run with this. In fact, maybe you and Travis can, like, go and, like, you know, do a tell-all about what a - JD: Hey, stop. AH: You know, an investigative study! JD: Stop with the attitude, right? AH: Sorry. JD: Stop with the attitude. AH: Sorry. JD: You're getting all bunched up. AH: Sorry. Sorry. It's so fucking pointless, and you know it, to sit here and fight about fucking whatever you think happened with Travis - That wasn't a conversation, we were fighting. JD: No, listen, I was not high. AH: I'm not going to- JD: You lied your ass off. AH: You are fucking full of shit! What lie? JD: Lied your ass off. AH: When? Hmm? What conversation did I have with Travis, huh? (note: the "huh" is inaudible to me) [2:45:00] (00:29:55 of Plt356) Big big investigative study you've done? JD: No, I was in a situation with you- AH: I'm not sitting here fighting with you about the fight that we had last night. JD: After you fucking got physically violent with me, I texted Travis. I said "Come up here", because I didn't want anything to happen- AH: I know, "come and save me". I mean yeah... JD: Come and what, save me? AH: No, go ahead, continue. Travis to the rescue... JD: No, that was the last one. You can go. You can go. That was the last insult. AH: Yeah? You called me a liar and yet you (corr.) - JD: I watched you lie. AH: You called me a liar! JD: I watched you lie. I heard it, I was right there. AH: (corr.) You're full of shit, there's no - what - you still haven't told me what lie it is! (corr.) JD: We'll talk to T-- AH: But yet, every single fucking time- JD: We'll talk to Travis. AH: You know you do this every single fucking time. JD: We'll talk to Travis. AH: I'm not fucking talking to nobody! Fuck that! JD: No, because you fucking- AH: You (corr.) go fucking, go jerk him off! I don't care, I really could care less. It's you every single time: you latch onto some sort of thing, when I already told you, I don't know what you're fucking talking about. You don't even know what you're talking about. You still haven't even told me what it is. But run with it - you run with it! JD: I have told you what it is. AH: No you haven't! JD: I said to Travis, I said- AH: Who fucking cares? JD: No, I said to you, "Hey, tell Travis what just happened." AH: (corr.) Oh, you told me to do it! JD: Yeah. AH: You told me to, you said "Go do that!" JD: I said, no, "tell him what just happened." AH: And I lied! JD: (corr.) And that you punched me in the fucking thing- in the face- AH: You're right! You figured it all out! JD: And you said, "No I didn't, what the fuck are you talking about?" And I watched you lie. AH: I didn't punch you. JD: And then I said- and then I - AH: I didn't punch you, by the way. I'm sorry that I didn't-- JD: You punched me. AH: -- hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe, you're not punched! JD: Don't tell me what it feels like to be punched! AH: (corr.) You know. You've been in a lot of fights, you've been around a long time, I know. (corr.) Yeah, I know. JD: No! When you fucking have a closed fist- AH: You didn't get punched, you got hit! I'm sorry I hit you like this. But I did not punch you. I did not fucking deck you. I fucking was hitting you. (corr.) JD: You can't deck me. AH: I don't know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you're fine, I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you! JD: How are your toes? AH: What am I supposed to do, do this? JD: How are your toes? AH: I'm not sitting here bitching about it, am I? You are! JD: (corr.) Aww, your poor toes. AH: That's the difference between me and you, you're a fucking baby! JD: Because you start physical fights? AH: You are such a baby! (corr.) JD: Because you -- AH: Grow the fuck up, Johnny! JD: Because you start physical fights? AH: I did start a physical fight. JD: Yeah, you did, so I had to get the fuck out of there. AH: Yes, you did, so you did the right thing, the big thing - you know what, you're admirable! Every single time! What's your excuse when there's not a physical fight, then what's the excuse then? JD: [inaudible] (note: he doesn't say anything here) AH: You're still being admirable, right, just by running away? And you can sit here and call me names, but you get called a name and what do you do? "That's the last insult!" You're a baby! You are a hypocrite! You don't do anything that you actually do. You expect from people what you can't give them. If they do something, a taste of it to you, you fucking lose it! But yet you dish it out! (corr.) Take your Xanax, just in case you need it. I think it's been worn off, maybe. (note: unofficial transcript for Plt343 says "Have a Xanax", the two unofficial transcripts for Plt356 both say "I'm giving you a Xanax", I hear "Take your Xanax".) JD: What are you doing with this? AH: I'm giving you a Xanax. In case you need it. JH: Oh, thank you. AH: Seems like it's worn off. JD: Yeah, it probably has. AH: I love you and I've told you a million times in this conversation how much I love you. I do love you. And I've fought for this marriage, and (corr.) fought for you. And, if you don't do the same, (corr.) I won't ever, I (corr.) won't ever fucking feel okay. I got married to you for the (corr.) (inaudible) foundation, so we could (note: "could" is inaudible to me) start a, put up a foundation - not so that it could be a transient thing that we throw around at each other or run away from. But I haven't even been able to have, like, a fight with you beyond - in any real talking kind of speaking context in so long, because any time anything goes wrong you split. (corr.) Fuck, it's your first thing, and it's unnecessary. [2:50:00] (00:34:55) It's not always you're splitting 'cause there's blows or because there's yelling or anything. You split many, most times when I'm still speaking in this volume, and nothing has been thrown or hit or anything. I'm telling you what I need for this. I wanna feel the trust, and I can with you, I know I can, and I have felt it with you. But it's been destroyed by constantly being reminded that you take me for granted, or that you don't see this as a permanent thing, for better or for worse. I feel, genuinely, that you are here in this marriage and committed to this marriage, for the better, and really not for the worse. You can't say the same about me. I fight even when I feel terrible, I show up, I pursue, I give you space, I have done everything to really show how committed I am. You know I am. I'm here for god's sakes. JD: And I haven't? AH: No, not when it's tough, not when it's hard, not when it's worse. This is the (corr.) bi-- - this is the grandest gesture you've shown me in a long time, is by sitting in one place and actually facing some of the stuff we need to talk about. This is the biggest gesture you've given me in a very long time. It means a lot, of course, but it should be mutual, (corr.) you know. I know there's things that I need to do different. I wanna make you happy as a man. I know I can change certain things that are... hurting you. But I can't blame myself entirely for going straight to the fucking finish line, the first sign of stress yesterday. Because of how it's been lately, (corr.) ever since Australia. And I have been on the road with you, I haven't been working - I don't know what else I could fucking do! JD: Since Australia, we've (corr.) been on our honeymoon and we had a great time - other than the fact that we had a fight on the train, which was physical. AH: Yeah, yeah. JD: (corr.) But- Then we had a fight in San Francisco. But I thought everything else was great. You're saying you've been pondering this since Australia? AH: No, the splitting. The- JD: Me splitting? AH: Like, the lack of - you know, I even said this. It was in Australia, I said, I feel like we were so good for so long and we'd talk about things. Remember we were allowed to have fights then? Remember we allowed ourselves to say "hey, you did this, or you took-"? Remember, we would even have a little argument and it was okay, it was an argument? (corr.) JD: Yeah. AH: I don't know what the fuck has changed! I can't figure it out! And I don't mean to criticize anything that you do, but it's so chronic with you. The changes in (corr.) the personality - it's like sometimes you get these clarit-, clear months and you're this different person, and it's wonderful, you're this, you're this. And then sometimes I'm like struggling to stay connected with you, struggling to have five minutes with you, (corr.) you know, struggling to connect with you, struggling to have my friendship with you, and I can't fight with you. You know it's like, but they're so chronic that I have to go "What the fuck has changed? What thing has changed?". Do you not remember how different -? You were so different, you were so - you allowed me to - you were so present. (note: quotation marks added) JD: I allowed you to what? AH: You were so present, and we were allowed to fight - not even fight, we had arguments. You weren't like this: mood swings, up, down, like, really aggressive and really cool and calm. I mean, you've given me this time here on the couch and it's amazing that we can actually talk, but I never feel that safe! I constantly feel like, you're about to fucking split. And I don't wanna feel like that, you make me feel meaningless. JD: You threw me out of the (corr.) bed, room last night. AH: Yeah, why wouldn't I, if I know that you're about to split? I mean that's what I'm saying, you always split! JD: I wasn't about to split. AH: You always split! So that's - why wouldn't - I mean, I do blame myself for my actions yesterday but I also don't think- JD: I was laying in bed watching television, man. I was laying in bed watching television. AH: I fucked up last night. I'm not gonna defend myself. But I also can't blame me going to the finish line when that's always where you drive it, you know. JD: But you're saying you thought I was - you were sure I was gonna split? AH: Always! I mean, that's just - yes - JD: Why would I split-- AH: You al-- JD: --if I'm laying in the bed with you watching television? AH: [2:55:00] (00:39:55 of Plt356) Because any fight - any time I tell you that I'm unhappy with anything, and it's typically the same thing - any time I voice a complaint. I'm not allowed to have a complaint, I'm not allowed to think (corr.) of it anymore (?). I've told you this a thousand times. A thousand times I've said this to you, in calm and in fights. Baby, I don't feel like I'm allowed to just have a (corr.) complaint. And you aren't allowing me the luxury of us just being a normal human couple - it's like as soon as you get mad, you take off on a train. Remember I even asked you, is it about Adderall? Are you doing (corr.) it too much? I know it makes one edgy, it makes one, like, temperamental, could it be too much? (corr.) Like, what - is it the alcohol? It doesn't seem like it, unless it's like in Toronto where it just became that, but in general it hasn't been a problem so much. So, I don't know what, like, what changed. I mean, I'm sure-- (corr.) JD: It's- AH: -- it's something because it's not - JD: It's the same- AH: It's chemical, it's strong. JD: It's the same- (corr.) No. AH: It's one day you were different... [snaps fingers] JD: It's the same- AH: And it hasn't been back. JD: It's the same changes that are happening in you. It's exactly the same. AH: I wish, I wish. JD: Huh? AH: I really wish that was the case. JD: That is the case. AH: I have always allowed you to fuck up and be a human. I've always been able to have a communication with you. You - the difference is - you make it so we cannot even communicate at all, if it's anything negative. You go, you take off on a train, you don't get off, you don't calm down, you don't come back around, you don't honour when you say "I just want a few minutes" or "I want a little time but I'll be back." You don't assuage the anxiety and the stress that that gives me and makes things worse with me by saying "Hey, I wi-- we will-" Remember Kipper was like, you have to say "I will be back in this amount of time, more or less", and then actually honour it, you have to come back! So, I said "oh my God, if he could do that, that would be great." And you never do it! You know, you don't ever honour that, you leave me with way more anxiety, stress, anger, and resentment. But in Australia for a few months you were so... JD: So were you. It makes a difference. I wasn't being attacked! AH: I am that! I'm not. I have not attacked you any different, I haven't changed! I've not attacked you any different! I never attacked you, I never attack you. Just 'cause I have a complaint with something you did is not an attack, baby! JD: It becomes verbally insulting, it becomes all kinds of shit, it becomes - AH: At what point? JD: Like, right at the get-go. AH: At the very beginning. JD: Yeah. AH: See, that's the problem. If you see any criticism as a verbal assault, of course we have this problem. We're gonna have it next time you do - God forbid I have a problem with something you do. We're gonna be in this situation, are you ready for it? JD: Say it nice. Say it nice, man. AH: What if I'm hurt? Am I not allowed to be hurt and be human? That's the thing, you're not allowing me to be human then. You take my humanity from me. JD: You're talking about - AH: You're telling me I'm not allowed to feel things. JD: You're talking (corr.) - AH: And I'm not allowed to react, because - to protect you. JD: Last night happened because I was at Issac's for too long. Next door. AH: It happened because we could not communicate. JD: And for what? For what? What did we gain from this fight, from me just, you know the horrible fucking act of me being over at Issac's for just too long for you. AH: I did not cause this because you were at Issac's. I mean, you lie to yourself, go ahead, you're just lying to yourself. JD: Then why were you upset last night? AH: This did not happen 'cause of Issac's. This happened because we're fighting. This is not about Issac's. We actually haven't really even talked about that, we spent two seconds on it. Because, you know it's not about that, you know it's bigger than that. The point is, I voiced a complaint, it could be anything. (corr.) It could say, "baby, you did something to hurt me", which you did, and you admitted- JD: Why (corr.) didn't you say that? AH: You admitted that you would feel that way too. JD: Yes. AH: And you said sorry for it. That would have been great, but I could not feel safe saying that to you. Because I knew that your reaction would very likely be a defensive explosion, and an attack, and freak out, and get up, and walk away, and all this stuff. So I wanted to avoid it, so I took an Ambien to try and go to sleep without even having to speak to you about it, because I was really hurt that you fucking left me stranded and you didn't think about me, and you didn't text me. All the things that you apologized for. You already apologized for it. Can you do me one small favour and not take it back? JD: I ain't taking it back. AH: (corr.) Thank you. Stop defending it please. You already apologized for it, it meant a lot to me. Do me one favour today, don't take that back. JD: (corr.) And what did I just say? AH: This isn't about Issac and you know it. JD: Hm? AH: [3:00:00] (00:44:55 of Plt356) This isn't about Issac and you know it. It is about us not allowing- JD: Is it about me showering? AH: No, it's about you not allowing me to have any problems with you, or be upset at you, or mad at you, or even hurt by you at all. You do not allow it. JD: If you could have just said in a kinder way, a nicer way like "Listen, I feel fucked over by what you fucking just did." AH: And you wouldn't freak out? JD: No, I would say (corr.) fucking "What is it?" Like "What?" "(corr.) Again, too (note: can't tell if it's "took too" or "t-too") long at Issac's, you said you wouldn't be that long or whatever, you shouldn't, I feel stranded, I felt fucking left", whatever. I'm not gonna - why am I gonna fight with that, why I would get mad at that? AH: My God, the first thing you'd do is: "I don't have to (corr.) do- I don't have to text you." And I mean you'd just be - it would be shitty, it would be a fight, it would be terrible, it would not be- JD: It was a fight. AH: Yeah, it was. JD: It was a fight, and -- AH: Then...? JD: -- it shouldn't have been, and-- The Issac thing was the impetus because that was-- (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: -- a lot of what you've said today. AH: It was the impetus, but it's just a small example of a bigger thing, and you know it's bigger. JD: Okay, so it's a bigger thing, it's coming from back in Australia? AH: No, it's like, Australia we were allowed to have fights. I can't. You can't sit here and tell me I can't feel things, and I can't voice them to you. If we say to each other "you can't get mad, and you can't be hurt by the other", then we're living in a fucking motherfucking fairytale land. JD: Look, of course, nobody is able to - and shouldn't - hold shit in. But we can go to the other person, and say "Look, man, I feel fucked, I feel shit, I feel this, I feel that." And then we can assess how you feel: "Well fuck, I guess, oh shit, I see what you mean", you know, "I see what you mean, I get it." Or, fucking "I don't get (corr.), I don't understand what you're saying, and you're wrong, and you're th--, whatever." AH: But it's going to be the latter, and it's been the latter for months now, where that's your reaction is not ever, ever admitting wrong, ever doing anything wrong, ever admitting it- JD: That's not true. AH: You always go straight to "you're wrong, fuck you" kind of thing. You don't say "fuck you" all the time right away, but I'm saying- JD: You're saying "always", huh? (note: I'm not sure about the "huh", kinda sounds like "hon" to me) AH: Like for months now, it's been: I can't voice any complaint, I can't say "I feel fucked over", I can't say "I'm hurt", I can't say "you fucked up", I can't be mad at you, I can't be hurt, nothing. 'Cause I'm the bad guy: "Oh, well I'm always fucking up" (corr.) and, you know, like "you're always on me and I'm always fucking up!" And, you know, like, getting mad at me for (corr.) having-- for being honest with you! We've had a million fights where I'm like "I was honest with you, I told you how I felt. I mean, if you were me, wouldn't you feel bad?" "Yeah." Okay, well then, what the fuck? (note: I can't tell if she says "what the fuck" or just "the fuck") We had these few months when we actually could even feel things and fight and it was an argument. But you don't ever like - (corr.) it's like you - I don't know what's changed, but it's like you can't ever just make it short and get over it. You can't, it's like you get on something and you will not get off of it. Hence why, I'm always going to you in fights, for hours, trying to get you to calm down. "Please can we talk, please?" 'Cause I don't wanna go to bed that way. And you told me you don't wanna go to bed that way either, yet you wanna fucking do this all night long and make it an all-night thing, by disappearing for hours at a time, and then when I come to you I'm the bad guy. I feel fucking alone, I feel like you're not fucking helping, you're not fucking doing anything in fights, you're not overcoming yourself, you're not overcoming yourself. Every one of these fights could have been so short. Why aren't you doing some of the work? Why aren't you coming to me and saying "look, olive branch"? Why aren't you saying "I'm sorry, bigger picture, let's look at the bigger picture"? Why aren't you doing any of this stuff? Have you noticed that you're not? JD: Do you remember thanking me for doing that, actually recently? AH: (corr.) Uhm. JD: "Thank you for being the bigger person, thank you for coming and apologizing to me, thank you." AH: (corr.) When? I'm sorry, when? JD: Uhhhh... was it, I don't know, honeymoon or Venice? AH: Still, it's an example. I don't remember which one it is, but- (note: I'm not 100% on "Still, it's an example.") JD: I'm really sorry I don't remember exactly, (corr.) (inaudible) -- AH: No, no, no, no, I wasn't, I wasn't questioning you, I'm sure it happened. I'm just- JD: (corr.) You're just saying-? AH: I just don't remember that one time, but I'm saying the majority of the time. And if you wanna argue with that, then we'll never see eye to eye. [3:05:00] (00:49:55 of Plt356) I think you and I both know the truth. The majority of times, you cannot calm yourself, and it's me trying - whether I'm hurt, whether I'm mad, whether you've just told me you hate me, in my eyes - I'm the one trying to get you to calm down, trying to get an olive branch, trying to not make it an all-night thing, trying to get over it, trying to see the bigger picture. Even if I'm hurt, I'm still trying to do it because I see the bigger picture. You lose the bigger picture every time. And if you wanna stay married to me, you need to figure out if you ever, I mean if you think you can - If you're going to lose sight of the bigger picture and only be my husband when it's easy, you're only gonna be there for the ups, never the downs, you're only gonna be there for health, not sickness, every time it gets hard. You lose the big picture and you can't think about anything else but breaking up, divorce, fighting, splitting, running away. If you can't be the one to come around sometimes and see the bigger picture, and know that it's not worth fighting for days - if you can't do that too, we'll walk - we need to walk away. I don't wanna walk away, I don't wanna end this. JD: But do you not think you instigate the same thing? AH: I'm not talking about instigating, I'm talking about ending. JD: But ending - you don't- AH: I'm talking about ending. JD: Yeah, but you don't always do that. You don't always end up to be the one saying- AH: Remember when you pointed out an example and I said (corr.) okay until you (?) settle on the full list. JD: What you do is, in the morning you say "I'm sorry". AH: No, I do it at night. (corr.) I do it at night. Whether it's night or day, I've done both. I've come to you every single time. On the plane I came to you. In Venice I came to you. In Toronto I came to you. In, what do you call it, San Francisco I came to you. I pull you into the bed, or I hug you, and I get us to calm down. And I'm glad I do, because that's what makes it not be an all-night thing! And nothing harms our marriage more than sleeping in different beds 'cause we're mad at each other, or going to bed mad at each other! We made a promise - you didn't keep that promise - but we did make a promise to not do that. It was your choice not to live up to that problem- promise, not mine. I tried to get you to come to bed when you were mad. I tried to get you to calm down so many times in-- (corr.) JD: When? AH: -- Toronto. JD: (corr.) Oh, in Toronto. AH: In Toronto, in Venice, in San Fransisco, I would come to the seven different bathrooms if you were - and try, throughout, whether I was mad or hurt or not, because I saw the bigger picture. I (corr.) didn't think it was worth this. I'm always the one trying to end it. You never let go of things. You constantly, constantly do this. JD: I'm sorry you feel that way. AH: You're never the one coming to me and saying "let's not fight any more." You're never the one saying "come, just get into bed, let's not go to bed mad like that". On the plane, it was me. In Toronto, it was me. It's always me! JD: On the plane here from Rio- AH: You don't wanna admit it. Think about it. JD: You were losing your marbles. AH: Think about it. JD: I'm the one who came to you and said: "Listen, calm down, please calm down." And you were blaming me- AH: Think about it. JD: ...because your flight was gonna get in late, and you wouldn't be able to-- AH: Think about it. JD: --have time before your thing. AH: Just think about it, the majority of our fights, you haven't. (note: "haven't" is inaudible to me) JD: No, absolutely, okay, I'll admit that, yeah. AH: Thank you. JD: The majority of our fights, I hang on to it because, it's fucking hard to let go of. Some of the shit that you go through in a fight can be-- (corr.) AH: Yeah, no shit. JD: --painful, and it's hard to forget shit. AH: Yeah, no shit, but if you wanna keep doing this, and live a life where you constantly are using that as ammunition which you can shoot yourself in the fucking head with, (corr.) fine, okay. But at least admit you're doing that. If you wanna hold on to everything and never get over it and never let go of it, then don't scratch your head and go, "I wonder why I'm so aggressive when you point out anything I did wrong. I wonder why I have so much resentment for you. I wonder why we fight so much." Stop scratching your head in wonder, and just admit, it's because you never let a fucking thing go, you can't get over anything, and that you won't and cannot calm yourself down when you're mad. JD: So it's all my fault? AH: No. It's not. It's not. JD: Yet you (corr.) can sit here and find blame in everything that I do? But you never say a thing about yourself. AH: I think I've included myself. JD: You copped (corr.) to last night. AH: I have included myself. I (corr.) mean it's, it's not all your fault. It's not all your fault. I've made so many mistakes. But what I'm talking about, I'm not guilty of, I'm not. I do let things go. I move this relationship forward. I fight for us when it's on the line. I do let things go. I see the bigger picture. JD: You said you - you said- AH: I'm tired. JD: I'm tired too, man. You said you see the bigger picture, and you do let things go. AH: Always. JD: Yet, after Toronto, you were looking for apartments. [3:10:00] (00:54:55 of Plt356) AH: That was a hard one. And I did not say 100% of the time. In no part of this conversation did I say- JD: And the plane was a fucking hard one, too. AH: In no part of this conversation did I say I am perfect. I did not claim that. JD: I know you didn't. AH: I'm claiming the vast majority of times, these are the patterns, and I own them. I'm right, you know it, you don't have to admit it, but you know what I'm saying is true. I'm able to see the bigger picture throughout, (corr.) whether I'm mad or hurt, I do mean for better or (corr.) for worse. I have honoured my word to not leave. You ditched me last night and I understand. I understand how shitty that got. And I understand my part in it. But it is a reaction to this fucking situation we've created. And it's about to crack. And I'm trying. I can't. I can be better, but I can't be the one who [inaudible] all the time. (note: "all the time" is inaudible to me) I also don't want to, it makes me unhappy, it makes me (corr.) resent you, and then that's the trust I'm talking about. JD: (corr.) Well, like I said, the last thing in the world I want is for you to be unhappy, or for me to let you down. AH: I know. JD: (corr.) And I do, and- AH: If you can- (note: "can" or "can't"?) JD: I do make you unhappy, and I do let you down. AH: Only you know if you can change it or do better. I know you're not perfect. I've seen you be pretty damn close. I've seen you do better than this. I've seen you control yourself more. I've seen you react less. I've seen you be less - I've seen you have way more control over yourself. You're so fucking edgy and you get so mad so fast, and you stay mad. I've seen this happen before, and I've also seen you better. I've seen you clearer, I've seen you better. I've seen you do better, (corr.) and you don't let me down, and I subsequently (corr.) will do better and let you down less. (corr.) I hope. But I'm not changing how I do things, you're changing how you do things. This is dramatic change, and it's been a few months now. And I'm begging you, now is the time. If you choose to stop it, fucking great, I will be- I'll be with you to change. But I can't set myself up to be the only one to keep promises, and then wind up in another situation like Toronto, where you're booking (corr.) a room, or trying to get me on a flight, or I'm not saying mean (note: "mean" is inaudible to me) things and I'm hearing all this shit and I'm not defending myself, and I'm coming to you saying "I love you, (corr.) I'm trying to protect you from yourself", and I get destroyed. I can't do it again. I won't ever survive through that again. And I don't want to. It made me unhappy. JD: I don't want to. And I don't want you to. AH: When you leave me like that. JD: I don't (corr.) wanna be unhappy. AH: Instead of just - like - you can't leave the house. JD: You're saying, (corr.) I mean, you're saying to me that for a long time I was able to keep everything together, and when we fought, like, be cool - AH: Do you remember? JD: Yeah, exactly. And it was for a while, right? AH: Yeah! Yeah, it was. JD: So- AH: And we could have arguments! It was like, okay, normal. JD: But- AH: Now, we can't have an argument, no, uh-uh! JD: Right. But there was one or two in Australia (corr.) when I was calm-headed and all that shit. (corr.) That, I mean, what am I reacting to? If I'm, you know, if I'm trying to keep a cool head, I'm reacting to you fucking jumping. AH: No, before I jump. Just a normal argument, baby, (corr.), there's a difference. There is a little (inaudible). JD: (corr.) There is - but you - AH: Sometimes you just go "that was rude", or you snap (corr.) and I say "Baby, don't snap". JD: (corr.) You tend to jump. You tend to jump. AH: Okay, alright. This is before the jump. This is like (corr.) a normal "fuck man, that really fucking sucks, (corr.) if I matter too" - or whatever it is. (corr.) JD: Hmm. AH: And it's not- JD: You think you don't matter to me? AH: That's not the point. It's an example. JD: (corr.) I'm sorry. AH: (corr.) But there are times when you can make - for months now, consistently-- JD: Well, I had no idea. AH: --you have been- I did! I've told you a million t-. I've actually told you probably about five times. "I can't have a normal complaint." "I can't have a normal..." "I can't have any problems with you." "Baby, I feel like I can't tell you anything's wrong." "Baby, I feel like I can't be honest with you." [3:15:00] (00:59:55 of Plt356) "Baby, you've gotta relax a little, what the fuck?" "I've gotta be able to tell you if something's wrong." How many times have you heard me say that? I have told you this. I have also mentioned how different it was in Australia, and begged for whatever that - was it clarity? Was it less Adderall? I don't know! Was it work? You know, something's affecting you and I am not judging you. I'm not. In fact, you have elucidated my opinion on medication. Do I not give you your meds every day? Do I not remind you to take them? JD: Of course. AH: Do I not? I know that you have to take medication. I am very aware of that. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: And you have actually changed my mind a bit as to how necessary they can be. I used to kind of think that they were - not superfluous but I don't know, just (corr.) like- JD: An escape. AD: Yeah, and now I don't think that, and that's because of you, you know, you changed my opinion about that. But I do know you. And you don't know moderation very well, you're allergic to moderation. So, I balance you out, I think, a little bit. I try to keep you safe, I try to keep on you a little bit to remind you to take the good ones, you know! Do I not? JD: You do. You listen to me- AH: And do I ever give you a hard time? JD: No, about the meds? No, you spoil me. Look, you do all those wonderful things. You take my boots off. AH: I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just talking about the medication. JD: No, I'm not. I'm not saying you're tooting your own horn. I'm saying there are a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that you do for me that I've never even dreamt (corr.), like, that someone would be so fucking caring as to (corr.), you know, "hey, baby, it's time for your meds". And you know, it's so beautiful that your wife is, you know, doing that. It's beautiful that, you know, the act of just simply taking my fucking boots off when I get home from work. That is monumental stuff to me. The care throughout the day, you know, "here, drink this vitamin water". You know, I mean, there are beautiful beautiful beautiful things that I could go on and on about you, about us, about how you've made me feel, how you've (corr.) changed my life, (corr.) how you, you know -- But I do not wanna be- I don't wanna be --. AH: Thank you for saying that. JD: -- a fucking shithead in your eyes. AH: Thank you for saying that. JD: It's true, man, it's true. AH: Thank you. JD: There are a lot of things. AH: I know. JD: There are a lot of positives. AH: You don't have to say that. JD: There are a lot of positives. I'm not just saying it, I'm being honest. AH: I feel the same way. I meant it. JD: What? AH: I meant it, what I said earlier. If you were not my favourite person, it'd be so easy to walk away. For you too I'm sure. (corr.) You know, if you- God, (corr.) I mean think about all the times it would have been very easy to walk, based on the bad, on the stress, on the fight. But I can't, because you're my favourite person, the most beautiful, dynamic, shiny, smart, sexy thing. I can't. It's something you fight for, but I am, I'm trying. I just wanna feel safe again, I want the stability. I mean, (corr.) we meant marriage for life, right? (corr.) We meant (corr.) like better (corr.) and worse, (corr.) and all that stuff, even though we didn't say those words. JD: Of course, and we did. AH: "Better or worse", we didn't say. Oh, maybe- JD: Whitney said "(corr.) for better or for worse". AH: She did? JD: Yeah. AH: Well then... JD: (corr.) But, it is for better or for worse, for me. It is. AH: I (corr.), I feel- JD: I didn't leave last night because- AH: You're making me feel like it's not, like you're not there for worse. JD: [3:20:00] (01:04:55 of Plt356) I left last night, honestly, I swear to you, because I just couldn't take the idea of more physicality, more physical abuse on each other, because had we continued, it would have gotten fucking bad. AH: I know. JD: And baby, I told you this once: I'm scared to death of it. We are a fucking crime scene waiting to happen-- AH: I know. JD: -- if we don't get our shit together. And by getting our shit together, that might mean, fucking eh, we do this and we make it, that might mean, goddamn, you know, you say "I've tried, I'm done, toodaloo." But we've got to get our shit together as individuals and as a couple. Because I love you and I do not want to leave you, I do not want (corr.) a divorce, I do not want you out of my life. I just want peace. (corr.) And if I'm the culprit majority of the time, I will fucking do everything I can, and I will recognise when I'm fucking starting to go sideways. I will recognise it. But please do the same, please do the same. AH: (corr.) I guess I won't. (note: I assume she meant to say more and this wasn't supposed to be an "I won't do the same.") JD: And it's okay to fight, like you said, it's okay. AH: But you've gotta - how do you remember that? I mean, how do you know that? 'Cause sometimes you're so clear as to what is priority to you and what you care about and then, you seem to forget it when you get mad. JD: I could say the same thing about you, angel. AH: Sure, sure. But I'm asking you, like what do you do to remind - like, how? If it was just up to self-control, (corr.) don't you think (corr.) we would have used it? JD: That's why I think the list is important. AH: Yeah. JD: Two lists. AH: I want a list though of what- JD: One: here are things that you do that can hurt me or fuck with me or makes me mad or this or that. And you know, (corr.) and we take it without freaking out, just take it and own it and study it. And (corr.) fucking- and if we have a different opinion, let's talk it out a little bit. Let's talk it out a little bit. And I'll make a fucking list, you make a fucking list of all the things that you think you do that you'd like to change, the things that I do that I'd like to change. In fact, that's the first list we should write. AH: Yeah, I was gonna say this: The first list that you mentioned, it just - Someone once said to me "as soon as you start listing what you don't like (corr.) about the other, you know the relationship's over". Well, they kind of said it as this aside, they were like "well, (corr.) you know what? That's how you know-- (corr.) JD: Send me a-- AH: -- when a couple starts doing that, that's how you know-" JD: Write me a letter, put it in (corr.) an envelope every morning if you want. Or in our little notebook - it's empty. AH: What? (corr.) What you do wrong? That's terrible. JD: No, no! "Please don't--", "Please love me today, please don't hurt me today, please don't get crazy today." AH: But then what happens if one of us gets hurt or mad? 'Cause that's life, it will come up. If we don't do things differently, then why a list of things that we don't do? I can't keep throwing our relationship in the air every time we get mad, because all bets are off every time (corr.) the blood pressure goes up a certain amount. JD: Look, these don't have to be followed through with. These are just things that I suggest, because who gives a fuck if some cock says, "Oh, as soon as you make a list, it's like..." fuck that. (note: I can't tell if he says "who gives a fuck" or "I don't give a fuck") AH: I don't know, it just made sense. But I'll do it, (corr.) it just, it seems terrible. JD: I (corr.) don't, look, it doesn't have to be gross. (corr.) It just, it just, you know, you've just - I mean, I don't need a list, you just went through the majority, you know, and I went through a lot of mine. (corr.) And you don't have to make the other fucking list. I'll make the other list. AH: No, I'm not saying I don't wanna make that list, I agree about that one. [3:25:00] (01:09:55 of Plt356) I just want to know what we're going to do differently and how to help check each other on what the other one needs, so that it doesn't get to this point. I can't keep living like this! JD: (corr.) Baby-- Oh, I can't keep living like this either. AH: Then well, something (corr.) has to change! JD: I've got less time on the fucking planet than you. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life fucking-- AH: Something's gotta change. (note: not sure if she says "then" after "change") JD: -- fighting with and being a drag to someone that I fucking adore. I'm not gonna live my life like that, (corr.) man, the rest of my fucking days which, you know, fuck, what have I got? (note: "have" or "do" or neither? Can't tell.) Who knows, a fucking month, fucking two weeks, goddamn thirty years? I don't fucking know, but life is short and precious. And I don't wanna fuck up yours, you know, I don't want you to fuck up mine. I'd like a bit more understanding, from both of us. AH: That sounds very good, and I agree. But what about the- JD: In the moment- AH: What are we going to do different, in the moment? When you're mad and you go "fuck it"-- (corr.) JD: In the moment- AH: -- and you decide all bets are off? JD: In the moment-- Well, look what I did in Australia. Look what I accomplished. I put the fucker away. I told myself every fucking day, no, he's gone. No, (corr.) he's got-- (?) I fucking put him away, I put him away. And (corr.) by a list (corr.) of the things that I feel that fuck you over or make you feel shitty or anything like that, I fucking - when we're in the moment I remember it, I remember what I put on my list. I remember it, and I try to bring it down notches, many notches. I'll try, if we're heightened, to say, "Please, I don't want you to feel this, I don't wanna feel this. Let's-" AH: I need to know what we need to do different! I need to know. JD: It's gotta be done with your mind and your heart. AH: (corr.) What do we do different if I have a problem? JD: You tell me. AH: You need to tell me how to tell you-- (corr.) JD: Tell me. AH: --different, if I'm hurting you. You need to let me be able to be mad. Sometimes you're gonna make me mad! I'm a human, I cannot live where it's like- JD: Well then, (corr.) it's the same thing goes for me then. You're gonna have to allow me to get mad. AH: Yes! Exactly. If I do something that makes you mad- JD: Okay, but I get mad, then you start fucking yelling. AH: I don't have to start yelling. I think I start yelling once it gets fucking heightened. I've gotten a lot better about that. (corr.) It's just only- JD: No. (corr.) No. AH: I only start yelling when it's fucking hour eleven and we're really in it. JD: You haven't gotten better about that. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had three physical fights in the last month and a half, two months. AH: I'm sorry about the yelling. JD: No but - You witnessed it, you're the one that brought it up. Australia was fucking great, we just argued. Let's go back there, let's go back there in our fucking heads and in our hearts. Let's go back there. And no, on your list- AH: Is the monster gone? Did you put him away? It's been so - when you get on that train, you get angry, you stay on it for so long and you won't come down, you won't talk to the person that is you. JD: That's not - that's not always - that's not always been. AH: It doesn't have to always be the monster, but what is it? Can you put that away? Can you remember the bigger picture? That you don't wanna spend your life - I've asked you this so many times in fights, d'you wanna spend your time like this? I know you don't, but I ask you because this is something you're choosing! I'm saying to you "olive branch"! And you don't take my olive branches, you make me feel humiliated for offering them. You asked me to stay in Australia, I stayed, and then you walk out on me all the time. You've gotta take some olive branches for me, you've gotta offer them too, you've gotta be bigger than what you feel at that moment. And so do I! So do I, but if I call you on it, will you hear it? JD: Yeah. AH: Will you call me out on it, if I'm doing it? JD: Oh yes, I will. Yes I will. And I'll do it in (corr.) a fucking- as peaceful a fucking - (corr.) in as calm a manner as I possibly can. [3:30:00] (01:14:55 of Plt356) I don't want to instigate any fights. I do not want to fight, anymore. AH: Say we're having an argument and you get mad. How can-? JD: An argument's an argument. AH: Yes, but say we're having an argument and you get mad, (corr.) it escalates, (corr.), how do you talk to the you that's in front of me right now? What do I need to say? What do I need to do? We don't wanna spend our (corr.) life mad like that. It doesn't mean you have to like what I'm saying or doing or vice versa, but can you calm down? JD: Can't you just say: "Baby please, please, please don't be the monster. Please don't, let's not yell, -- (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: -- please don't", you know what I mean? And I'll do the same. AH: Promise. JD: I have done the same. (corr.) What? AH: You promise? JD: Yeah. Yes. Why would I say it if I didn't-? AH: Because sometimes you don't keep (corr.) your- what you say, and I want (corr.) things- this to be different. JD: So now my word's not worth (corr.) --. AH: No no no, that's not the case. It's just that sometimes when you get mad, it's like you disconnect from (corr.) the person that you are right now. And I'm wondering just how to like - what's the communication? What's the phone number, you know, for that? JD: And you? How do I - how do I calm you down when you go into a flurry? AH: Maybe say - remind me: "Remember what we talked about. Baby, please calm down." JD: "Please look at the bigger picture." AH: Something that will remind me of this conversation, you know, when I'm upset and I'm feeling like it's pointless, you know. JD: Don't ever lie. AH: I don't ever lie. I know you and I (corr.) see- remember- see things differently sometimes, but I'm not lying! I - you know, for someone who - I know that's your deepest fear and that's why it comes up in fights and stuff, but you've got a trust issue in general, in life. (corr.) JD: Oh yeah. AH: I never fucked you over, and I'm not going to. And anybody who knows me, if they had to list two or three things about me, adjectives about me, one of those three would be "super honest, straightforward, honest". Everyone else in my life! I know you have trust issues, but you can't let it cloud you knowing me. Please. It comes up a lot, I know you have an issue with it. It's not me. You can trust me. If anything- JD: Say that to me. Say that to me at the time. AH: What? Say what? JD: What you just said. Say that stuff to me at the time, if I'm starting to fucking flip (corr.), you know, when you're off doing a movie or I'm off doing a movie (corr.), whatever. AH: I feel like I do, but I guess I should say it differently, (corr.) I'll find another way. I'll pay attention to how I say it. JD: It depends, yes. Let's both pay attention to how we talk to each other, -- (corr.) AH: Uhm. JD: --to respect each other. AH: You know, we're not gonna do that all the time. Sometimes we're gonna be shitty or whatever- JD: Of course not. AH: But we make a promise to each other, about the rings and no divorce- JD: The rings, no divorce. AH: We promise each other. (corr.) JD: And-- AH: Because I want so bad to feel like the marriage I-- (note: I'm not sure about the "because", sounds kinda like a quick "please, and" to me, but I don't know) JD: I promise you. AH: --worked so hard to make happen is like meaningful. JD: Don't talk about making the wedding happen. Talk about the four years we've spent together, please. AH: Yes, but I wanna make - I have those four years no matter what, but - I fought for that wedding, and we had that wedding, that beautiful wedding, (corr.) for what? If we don't - I want it like to mean something, that there's some- (note: I'm not sure if she says "I want it like to mean something" or "I wanna like-- it means something") JD: Yeah. It did mean something and it does mean something. And I didn't get married to you for fucking (corr.), fucking, you know, seventeen more fights and it's fucking over with. (corr.) We got married, I knew the fucking fights weren't gonna stop, but I thought maybe it would curb them a little. AH: I wanted the security back. I freak out. I freak out. I cannot make normal decisions, calm decisions, or ones from the heart where I'm thinking of you more than me, when I feel like you're splitting on me all the time, and the marriage is on the rocks. I make the same mistake about throwing our marriage around. [3:35:00] (01:19:55 of Plt356) I won't do it again. I'm not gonna do it again, okay? (corr.) JD: Please. AH: I'm not, I promise. But, there's something so... anxiety-provoking and scary and malicious and really just turns everything over when you split all the time. Please, if you really don't wanna fight and you're not just trying to hurt me - which sometimes it is that - if you really, really, if you really love me and you do care about this, please find a good way to do it, one that's respectful. (corr.) JD: Hmm. AH: You can tell me that you are - you can - I need to know that we will be able to talk about it, because the problem I have is when (corr.) we don't communicate, it comes into me, it builds up in me and becomes cancer in me. It got worse every day, when we were back from Toronto. It got worse every single day. Not better, worse. Until we spoke about it, until Whitney's birthday when (corr.) we talked about (corr.) it, then it was okay, but I need that. That's wh-. I don't wanna resent you. JD: I don't wanna resent you. I don't wanna not trust. AH: But you can! (corr.) JD: Hmm. AH: You know how many times I've chased you out of the elevator in the hall? (corr.) We (?) gotta stop doing that. I'm not nit-picking, I don't mean to be focusing on something, but if it's a major thing to me and it is a major thing- JD: If things get physical, we have to separate. AH: No (corr.) doubt. JD: We have to be apart from one another, whether it's for fucking an hour or ten hours or fucking a day. We must. There can be no physical violence towards each other. AH: I agree about the physical violence, but separating for a day or-- (corr.) JD: I'm-- I'm-- AH: -- a night, taking a night off from our marriage, -- JD: No no no. AH: -- that- (corr.) it just means it opens up- JD: Listen, I'm just giving examples. It could be fucking three minutes, it could be fucking two weeks. I'm just saying- AH: I know, but we need to agree on certain boundaries, so we have boundaries again! We need to make agreements and hold each other accountable to them and ourselves accountable to them, which is why I'm even bringing this up. JD: I'm not- AH: You know what I mean? JD: I'm not saying anything negative. AH: I know. JD: All I'm saying is, we need to take whatever time we need, you need or I need, to kind of let things settle for a minute, so that we don't fucking kill each other or fucking worse, you know, fucking like really kill each other, or (corr.) fucking break up or whatever. AH: Just don't - I think that- (corr.) I- JD: Help me, and I'll help you. AH: This is the thing that makes me feel unsafe (corr.) and unstable, to be honest, this is what makes me not trust. JD: What's that? AH: That's there like- JD: Walking away? (corr.) Going to a corner? AH: No, loopholes. (corr.) It's like, "Oh, go and take the time you need, take the time you need". Okay, fine, every time I get mad at you, I can go split. Except for, oh wait, I don't have my own place to go split to. JD: No, Amber, stop. AH: You know, it makes me think I should. (corr:) It makes me- you know, I don't have a place I can go - (corr.) I don't have a-- I'd have to go to a hotel, you know, and I don't have the funds to do that, I mean it's - JD: That's not what I'm talking about. (corr.) I'm saying-- AH: (corr.) Look, I think we should control ourselves and not get physical, and if it gets physical and we've dropped that wall, then we're gonna drop the other one. So it's (corr.) gonna be like, you're gonna (note: "gonna" or "ready to"?) fucking split or I'm gonna fucking split and (corr.) who says I'm gonna come back? JD: You may be right, but you can't predict the future, once again, here's what I'm saying: If the fight escalates to the point of where it's just insulting, for both of us, or if it gets to that physical fucking shit, the violence, that's when we just say: "Look, let's go to our corners, man. [3:40:00] (01:24:55 of Plt356) You hang wherever you want, baby, I'm going in the office, and I'm just gonna fucking sit there and try and de-jellify my fucking brain." (corr.) I'm not talking about me running out of the fucking house, I'm not talking about me (corr.), you know, splitting 'cause I'm a fucking cunt and a coward and whatever. I'm talking about, go to our corners. I'll go to my little office. You (corr.) go- you can have the house, you (corr.) just take the house and wander wherever you want, I won't fucking come bother you. You know, and if at a point you're feeling, like, better after ten minutes, come knock on the door. AH: And I always do that. JD: And, and- Please let me finish- AH: Sorry. JD: And, if in ten minutes I'm feeling like, alright, I got the solution for this or I know how (corr.) to- we can- you know, please, I'll come knock on your fucking door, or I'll come find you. AH: Will you try? JD: What? AH: Will you try to not make it-- JD: I've just told you- AH: -- an all-night thing? I wasn't done. (corr.) JD: I- Oh. JD: I s-- will you try and not make it a lifestyle? I mean, will you try and remind yourself that (corr.) they can just be fights? (corr.) And try and-- JD: Absolutely. AH: -- respect that it doesn't have to be an all-night thing? JD: Oh, absolutely. AH: I mean, I don't wanna go to bed mad! JD: I don't- AH: I mean, we were doing really good with each other. (corr.) JD: I don't- AH: We didn't for a long time. JD: I don't want- I know. But we weren't insulting one another to the point of, like, wow, you know, like the way I insulted you in Toronto, or the way you insulted me on the plane or, you know, (corr.) whatever. Let's not get to (corr.) that point. That's nothing, that's bullshit, that's kindergarten shit. We don't fucking need to do that. What we could do is just try to be fucking calm and say "Look, this is really- (corr.) this is getting somewhere I don't like. Please let's take an hour, max." I'll go in and fucking write, and try and figure it out, get it out, whatever. I'm just- AH: Okay. JD: I'm just making suggestions-- AH: Yeah. JD: -- to try and fucking save us, you know? AH: I agree. We've just gotta honour our promises. I cannot - nor can you, you don't deserve to be in a relationship-- (corr.) JD: No. AH: -- that is walked away from all the time. You can't. I would never want you to do that. I never want you to be in that. You deserve better. (corr.) So do I. (corr.) JD: Indeed. AH: I cannot be constantly, constantly - any time I'm upset or mad or hurt or anything, (corr.) I fuck up, God if I yell, if I fuck up ever - ditched! That's not marriage! You know, most people don't have (corr.) the (?) two, three houses they can go to! It's always I'm in your house, and you always split! JD: Listen, you can't be saying that I - if that's what you feel, you feel that from you, 'cause you didn't get that from me. I never fucking said "this is my house, and my house only". AH: Kind of, but (corr.) (inaudible, maybe "I know"?) yesterday I - JD: No. No, it's our fucking house. It's our fucking- AH: (corr.) Well (?), you always remind me that I'm- forget it. JD: I got Rocky and Josh living there, -- (corr.) AH: (inaudible, maybe "You don't need to"?) tell me that. JD: I got Whitney living there. So don't- AH: But you (corr.) would say it in fights, you use it in fights, and I'm sorry but I feel like - (corr.) look, forget it. (corr.) I just - I just want - (corr.) JD: Don't think that- that- you know-- AH: I just want the security and the commitment from you that we have destroyed, both of us. And I don't know if that matters to you, personally, like if you need that- JD: It absolutely matters to me. AH: But I do. And I can't promise you that I'll be perfect. I can't promise you I won't get physical again. God, I fucking sometimes get so mad I lose it. I can fucking promise you (corr.) I will do everything to change. I promise you, I'm not gonna throw around divorce, I will not say "divorce", unless I really mean it. Unless it's it, and then I hope you leave me. [3:45:00] (01:29:55 of Plt356) (corr.) I'm not going to- And me too, I will leave you. That's fair. I can't do it, you know, and I think, honestly, if we hold each other accountable to that, it's fair. JD: That's what I said earlier. Look, if we get to that point, where it's like, this is- AH: It's a line we don't cross. JD: -- too fucking much, let's, you know, we fucking (corr.), man, we shake hands and we walk away. AH: Yes, but you don't do it until you mean it. That's my point. JD: Trust me. I'm not gonna do it unless I mean it. AH: Promise. JD: If I say it, I will be leaving. (corr.) And if you say it, I'll get the fuck out or whatever. AH: Promise. JD: Yeah (corr.), I promise. AH: That ring does not come off. JD: Unless I say the word, (corr.) or unless you say the word. Well, or you just take the ring off, 'cause that's the same thing. That'll be the same thing. AH: That's what I'm saying is, you know, I don't want- (corr.) I don't think our marriage (corr.) should be something (corr.) used at all. In fact, if you want a fucking divorce, you're gonna tell me not in a fight. Let's be honest (corr.), you know, that's a decision, a lifelong decision, that even you and me as hotheads know you can't make forever decisions when you're mad like that. It certainly feels like you can, but you and I both, even though we're hotheads we do know the difference. However, I think it's something we should never say to each other in a fight ever. And if you promise me, and I promise you, (corr.) and we need that, we need to hold each other accountable (corr.) again. (note: for "should be something used at all", which is what I hear, the unofficial transcript for Plt343 says "to be something you throw around", the first unofficial transcript for Plt356 skips it and just says "I don't want our marriage if you want a fucking divorce" and the 2nd one says "would be something you still...") (corr.) JD: I know. AH: I (corr.) wanna feel safe, I have nothing to cling on to. You didn't come home last night. I feel like I have nothing to cling on to, no semblance of marriage or commitment or stability. You know, I can't just get up and walk away and spend the night somewhere else. JD: You obviously can. AH: Yeah, but I believe it's done if I do that - that's not marriage. JD: We talked about it. You know why I left. AH: I do know why you left. (corr.) If you- JD: I'm saying now that I won't do the same thing. (corr.) I mean that I will not do that, I will not fucking leave until- AH: Promise? JD: ...until some rational decision is made. AH: Promise? JD: If it's the end, it's the end. If we can keep going, we'll keep going. But yeah. AH: Promise? JD: Promise, I promise (corr.) you. I promise you. I hope you can trust me. (note: no talking for about 20 seconds) AH: I wanna be in my marriage. JD: Sorry? AH: You know I wanna be in my marriage. I wanna commit to you forever. Good, bad, better, worse. I don't want it to be as transient as whatever fight we're fighting for. I don't want any loopholes, any "Oh, it's okay to leave", "it's acceptable to do this" or "it's acceptable to say this" about like splitting or breaking up or leaving. (corr.) I- that's our- We should fall asleep together every night. Ideally never mad, ideally never mad. I'd love to say-- (corr.) JD: Of course. AH: -- I could promise that, but I don't know if it's possible. I'd love to strive for it. JD: Yeah. You weren't ready for that last night, for sure. AH: No, I fucked up last night. I'm really sorry. JD: So let's understand that we're (corr.) both guilty of the same shit at times. AH: But no one's saying it more than me though, I am saying that. JD: (corr.) So let's - (corr.) so let's - let's - let's - AH: It's just chronically overweighed with - and I need that to be something you realize and that you know. And it's affecting not just me, it's affecting our marriage. It's affecting how I trust, how I resent you, how I like you without the fight being happening. JD: No I know, but when you- AH: I'm not trying to rub your nose in it, I'm just- I feel sometimes like you'll admit something, you'll acknowledge, it'll be beautiful and then you'll go back on it, kind of in your vo- (corr.) like in the vocabulary after. [3:50:00] (01:34:55 of Plt356) And then I feel like: "Wait a second, is he taking it back?" You know what I mean? JD: I do know you mean, but like I said before, (corr.) there's- there's not- I don't have the - I haven't cornered the market on that. You know, when you start the fucking yelling, (corr.) there's, you know, it fucking gets crazy, you know? It gets fucking crazy, you know? And (corr.) that? That makes me not feel, for lack of a better word, safe within the relationship. AH: Mmm. JD: You know, understanding of "oh well, it's just nothing", 'cause if it keeps going, if it's always sorta there, then, you know, I worry, yeah, I fucking worry about the marriage. I worry "How much longer can I deal with this? How much longer can she deal with this?" Fuck, man. AH: Mm-hm. JD: So I've had the same trust issues, I've had the same disappointments, I've had the same, you know - maybe not to the degree you have, I'm assuming, (corr.) so, but yeah, man, when you start fucking honking, you know what I mean, it's pretty- AH: Then help me. Help me. Call it out. Call me out on it and help me. JD: I will, I will try. AH: Help me realize it. I might not even realize I'm doing it, but you gotta help me. JD: I will try. AH: But it can't be an excuse to leave. JD: I will try to help you. If I try to help you, and I can help you, (corr.) the fuck would I leave? (corr.) If I try to help you, and I can't help you, (corr.) I'd say "Baby, I'm taking an hour, I'm in my fucking office". AH: (corr.) That's- yes, yes. JD: "If you wanna talk, you wanna come get me. Otherwise, I'll come check on you in an hour." (corr.) AH: That would be really helpful. JD: Alright? AH: And I promise you I'll leave you alone for that hour. I promise you I'm not gonna freak out. JD: I just want you to have your time to be able to calm down, or my time to be able to calm down. AH: But it really helps if you - if you give a time, if it's not just- JD: (corr.) Say an hour. AH: Even if you just say, "I promise we'll resume this." I just need to know that we will talk about it. Otherwise, I'm dealing with cancer. I'm dealing with something that just festers and gets worse and worse. So you have to realize that, (corr.) you know, in that kind of situation, a few minutes is fine, but then after a certain point it becomes way worse and I become way harder to reason, to rationalize with. I become - Kipper can tell you, he says he's the same way. I just, that's how I work, and you work a very different way. So we need to meet in the middle, you know? (note: I can't tell if she says "we need to meet" or "we meet") JD: Yeah. I do understand now, (corr.) alright? I do understand all that. But I also want you to understand that, you know there were great moments (corr.) of high hopes that it was just all cool. And then (corr.), you know, whatever happens, this happens, that happens, (corr.) fucking- we have a spat or a fight or a fucking blow-up. I just want you to know that the way you're feeling - about being unsure of us, of the marriage, of this, (corr.) (inaudible) reckon (?), whether you can trust me to be this, or whether (corr.) you can, you know, or whether I can do the same - I feel very much the same. AH: At least you have the added luxury that you take for granted - no offence, you do- JD: What do I take for granted? AH: That you have the added luxury of knowing that I'm there, and that I mean it forever (corr.) and that I-. 'Cause I show up, I come, I'm knocking, I'm the one who asks to calm down- JD: Look- AH: I'm the one that comes and gets you on the plane, I'm the one that comes and knocks at the bathroom door, I'm the one that comes into the house that you've run away to. I'm the one that comes to you and says "This isn't worth it, let's fight for this marriage" or whatever. You have an added luxury that you just are taking for granted in such a big way, and you don't know how much that means. [3:55:00] (01:39:55 of Plt356) If I ran from you the way I used to, (corr.) before the marriage, we would not be together. When I used to run away when you (corr.) would- whatever, when I felt like it was justified, (corr.) how many times would we almost break up? (note: I don't hear "would" or really any word between "how many times" and "we almost break up", to me it goes straight from "times" to "we", the other 2 unofficial scripts say "did") How terrible was that? How terrible was it for you? We would not be together if I did that. And you take it for granted that I show up, and that I fight for us, and that I am the one to come over, I'm the one that comes out into the hall. I am the one. I have a hot head just like you, but (corr.) I- what a luxury you have. If you take that for granted, you're so - what a luxury. I'd do anything to have that feeling, at least in the back of my mind I'd know that you'd showed up, that you fought for me, that you cared enough to- JD: Here's what you're missing in that little, you know, paragraph. What you're missing is - you're the one who comes and gets me, you're the one (corr.) who comes and says you're sorry, (corr.) that you're the one that comes and tries to calm me down, you're the one - but why am I riled up? AH: We're both riled up. (corr.) JD: No, but- AH: It's not like every time I've done something to you in a vacuum! Baby, that's what you don't get. I don't doubt you're riled up, but I'm riled up, too. And I said this to you on the couch, I've said this to you before, we both have our - it's subjective. You have your reasons. I have my reasons. For (corr.) a reaction, there is something that caused it. And I have the same thing! (corr.) JD: But that- AH: I'm mad in the same way! JD: But what caused it? What caused it could be so irrational and so far-fetched and so minute, minute. (note: just for clarification for the ones reading only, who can't hear the pronunciation, "minute" as in "small", not "second/minute/hour") AH: That's what I say to you every time that you wanna have a big fight. Every time I go "This could be something small. Why wasn't this just an argument? Baby, why wasn't this just an argument?" Yes, so you're right, sometimes it could be very small. Sometimes it's not. Either way, it doesn't negate what I'm saying to you. Oh (note: "oh" or "of"?), what a gift! Like, I would do anything to trade places with you. You talk about insecurity in relationships and trust- JD: I don't know how you can say I'm taking you for granted, that's a fucking insult, man. AH: But you talk about trust - (corr.) you talk about trust, (corr.) and like, you feel the same way - you don't feel the s-! You couldn't! Because the difference is, you at least have the knowledge in the back of your head that you can fall back on - that I showed up, that I fought for you, that I checked on you, that I came to get you, that I said I love you, that I saved the marriage - if it were up to you, and I treated you the way you treated me, we would not be together. Let's face it, it's because I fucking fight for this, it's because I come over, and last time I didn't, which is what I should always do, and I am learning my fucking lesson, it's just, when you walk, fucking let you walk. And I, that time... I can't tell you how done I was. It was like this time in Toronto. I was looking for apartments, I was preparing to tell my par-, my folks, my parents, I was done. And you called me and you're like "well, I'm about to go out of town" or whatever, and it ended up like (corr.), that, whatever. I told you I wasn't ready to see you, because it had gotten so much worse that I was basically (corr.) calling- I was like "I need to, I just need to change my life, (corr.) (inaudible) my life is different, I am no longer with this person, and I'm now single, I need to (corr.), you know, get my shit together, find an apartment, do all (corr.) this stuff." It got so much worse, and honestly if that happens one more time, we will break up. I know it, I know we won't survive it. That was so severe. JD: (corr.) (inaudible) (note: unofficial transcripts say #01 "Which one?", #02 "One more time?", #03 skipped, and I hear something like "What are we ta-", but I'm not sure) AH: The damage was so severe, when you spent a week here. You said "I'm gonna go away for a day." You wrote me a note and left it on the kitchen counter, and you said "I just need to clear my head for a night, maybe two." I didn't hear from you for six. JD: Oh, when I went with Bruce? AH: No, this is here. You came here, I stayed downtown. This is, you were gone for six, seven days. And then I didn't even let you spend the night in the house, remember? You came over, we talked, I wasn't even ready - No, you know how long it took me to take down those walls that I built up? It took forever to build those. (corr.) I was so- It took me so long to trust you even a little bit again. I was so - I resented you so much, the damage was very deep. And I know that if I let that happen again, in my heart, I know we wouldn't survive it. So, you walk out, and I have one option. That's why I come to you. If I let it go, like I did last time, which is what I should do, because if you're willing to walk out, you should be walking out. But I let it go, and it was a fucking week. And it took - and I'll never get some of that back. [4:00:00] (01:44:55 of Plt356) I'll never have that trust quite the same way. You left me a note saying "I'm gonna be gone for a night", and we didn't speak for a week. I didn't even hear from you, you didn't check on me, nothing! JD: So you thought we were broke up? AH: Oh yeah, I was preparing to have that conversation with you and be done. JD: Oh, but you just said you were single. AH: No, I said I was preparing myself to think that way, you know, take care of my own life, get my own, you know, apartment. That's- that (corr.) sort of thing (?). JD: Well, I hope it doesn't get to that. AH: No, of course, but I'm just saying that when I didn't fight for it, when I let it go, it was devastasting. Devastating to my heart, my soul, my trust. (note: "my" in "my trust" is inaudible to me) I can't do it again. You probably wouldn't want me to do it again. At least you have in the back of your mind that I come. And I show up. I fight. I come. I don't have that! JD: I don't take that for granted, by the way. I don't always know that you'll come, I don't always know that you'll be knocking, I don't always know that you'll wanna talk. If I go, I go because I think "Fuck, we're screwed! Can't live like this!" AH: (corr.) So what's to stop you from doing that again, thinking that again? JD: Well, like I said - (corr.) or like you said, we walk out the door, we walk out the door. That is the same (corr.) as rings off, that's the same thing as mentioning divorce. There's no talking unless we just wanna try to be civil with one another, as fucking people who are married. And I hate to talk like - I hate even saying that kind of shit but - yeah, if I walk out again, I'm walking out. And I'll know that and you'll know that. If you do that, same deal. [No talking for nearly a minute, about 25 seconds until 4:02:46. (01:48:40)] AH: Okay. (no talking for another about 20 seconds) JD: I love you (corr.), Amber, and I (corr.) will do my best (corr.) to make you happy and for you to gain trust, respect, whatever you feel you've lost, for me. AH: I hope you can too. JD: Huh? AH: I hope you can too. JD: And I hope you can make the changes that fuck with me. And if we wanna do it, we'll do it, ultimately. If we don't wanna do it, we know the result. 'Cause we're definitely at the end of any of that shit. All the anger at each other. We're definitely at the end of that kinda shit. (corr.) There's no more. AH: Can you let it go? Can you let it go, some of these fights? JD: Yeah, I can let the fights go. AH: I just feel like you (note: "you" or "we"? I'm leaning towards "we".) hold onto everything and we just fight about the same, you know. My Mom said, I don't think either of us are forgiving of each other. JD: [4:05:00] (01:49:55 of Plt356) Well, I don't think it's gonna- (corr.) I don't think we can forgive each other this quickly. I think-- AH: I'm not saying that. JD: -- with time, it'll, you know, lessen. But everything that I said, (corr.) you, you know, is not- is not gonna be able to unhear, and the same with me, I (corr.) won't be able to unhear it. (corr.) And they are horribly thought-provoking, but just gotta write it off, you know, and get past it. If I didn't wanna be with you, I wouldn't be with you. If you didn't wanna be with me, you wouldn't be with me. And that's really what it boils down to. So if we wanna be together, let's do our best to fix what's broken within the machine, within our (corr.) mach-- the machine that is us. [No talking for half a minute 45 seconds, until 4:06:53.] (01:51:48 of Plt356) AH: That's why I came. JD: Hmm? AH: That's why I came. I'm still married to you. JD: I hated it. I hated having to leave. I hated fucking getting here. I couldn't fall asleep. (corr.) Fucking Ambien (inaudible, maybe "that I had", maybe "and a half") finally (corr.) kicked in (?), you know, (corr.) woke up (corr.) like three hours fucking late, feeling like "Oh god, why? Fucking why?" AH: I hope this is important enough for you to fight for. JD: It is important enough for me to fight for. (corr.) AH: (inaudible, "I hope."? "Uh-huh."? JD: But why do you say that? AH: 'Cause I know I can't do it alone. I woke up, first thing I called you. Called you last night which was just foolish, you know? And I understand part of it but I also see, like, you know I love you. I know I've had my fuck-ups and my issues. At least you know I love you. You know I love you more than me. You know, at least you know that. You do know that. JD: (corr.) That what? That what? You love- AH: That I love you more than me. That I love you - JD: More than yourself? AH: Yeah. You don't debase yourself and embarrass yourself like that for some- for you, (corr.) it's 'cause you're worried about protecting yourself. JD: I don't think you debased yourself in any way. I think you've been very brave. (note: "I think you've been" is inaudible to me) (corr.) And it's a very admirable - AH: Your feet are swollen. JD: What? AH: Your ankles are swollen. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Did you take your morning meds? JD: There's no (corr.) swells. AH: What? JD: No swelling. AH: Not swelling? JD: No, it's fucking-- AH: Oh, it must just be part of the sock. (note: "part of" is inaudible to me, in Plt356 it sounds like "through", in Plt343 it doesn't, also, while I assume that "it must" is correct, half the time while re-listening I hear "I missed") JD: It's just a muscle there. (note: I hear either "over there" or "or whatever") [4:10:00] (01:54:55 of Plt356) I love you. I don't wanna do anything bad to you (note: sounds like he says "bad up to you"?), I don't wanna harm you, I don't wanna hurt you. I don't, I don't. So like I said, I'll fucking (corr.) - I'll do every fucking thing I can. But it's gotta be reciprocal. AH: Yes. I agree. JD: And what you did, by calling me last night, you fell asleep on the phone. You (corr.) do realize that? AH: Yeah. I'm sorry. I had to Ambien myself, again. JD: It's alright. I said a sweet goodnight to you, while you were sleeping. AH: Could you tell I was sleeping? JD: I thought you were sleeping once before. I think you might have fallen asleep once before, and then woke up and continued talking. Then I was saying something, talking, and (corr.) then suddenly there was just no more. (corr.) You were just gone. (note: I'm unsure about the "you were", he may have just said "Just gone.") AH: I really don't wanna sleep without you again. We can't. (corr.) JD: I don't- I don't want to-- AH: There's a better way. JD: Let's find it. Don't slug me. AH: (corr.) Please don't- I'm sorry I did! JD: It's okay, it just- AH: But (corr.) you know sometimes that fucking thing happens! You do it too sometimes, where you just - JD: I know. (corr.) I freak out. AH: But it can't be (corr.) like the end of - our marriage is bigger than that, obviously! JD: We don't need to ever get to that point with each other. AH: I agree. I agree, but - JD: I hope (corr.) we don't. I hope (corr.) we don't. (note: no talking for 17 seconds) JD: I love you, (corr.) I want you to be my wife, and I wanna be your husband. (corr.) And (?) I wanna be a good husband, and if I haven't been, then I'll do everything I can to find out how to be a good husband. (note: listening to Plt356 I'd sear he only says "I wanna be a good husband", but in Plt343 I can definitely hear an "and" at the beginning, it's really confusing me) AH: You're a great husband, you really are, it's (corr.)- it's just hard if anything comes up, if (corr.) someone bumps your shoulder on a crowded sidewalk, (corr.) you know we're wearing white again, (corr.) not black, so it makes a difference. It's a big deal if there's a bump, and it's hard. I love you, and I'm - I know we've been so - we can be so good. (note: unofficial transcript #01 says "well no more wearing white again, and black", #02 says "You know we're wearing white again, no black" (close to what I'm hearing), #03 says "You're wearing white again, not black", I don't know which would make the most sense, as I'm not really sure what she's trying to say here, and I'd love to know, so I would appreciate it if someone could explain) JD: Amazing. AH: And I'm here. I'm trying to move forward, forgive each other. We have to forgive each other. JD: Listen. I know we had our fights today, to try to settle whatever the fuck all this scrambled crazy shit, that one thing reminds you of another, and you find yourself going back into some other fight. And it's all scrambled, it's all fucking jumbled, it's like white noise (corr.) all moving around and doing a thing. I'm glad that we got to a point where we were shitty with each other. I'm glad we got to a point where we didn't fucking know how this was gonna end. But I'm telling you, (corr.) by- by-, coming here today is fucking courageous and it's fucking admirable. For you to come here and talk to me, and try and work things out, and to tell me these problems, things that I do that fuck with you. I wanna change it, I want you to change it, I want us to change it together. (note: no talking for another 17 seconds) AH: [4:15:00] (01:59:55 of Plt356) Thank you for sitting through it and actually having a conversation with me. (corr.) JD: You're welcome. (note: in Plt343 I can't even hear that he said something, but in Plt356 I can, though barely, hear him say "You're welcome.") AH: I did not expect that. (corr.) But I'm really proud of you for not running away, or walking away. I'm proud of you for that. (corr.) JD: Thank you. AH: It means that we can actually hash out these things. (corr.) JD: Huh? AH: Some things have to be said, and maybe left. JD: Huh? AH: And maybe left. JD: Oh, (corr.) maybe le-, oh, left behind. AH: I know we (corr.)'ll never (corr.) forget a lot of things. But we (corr.) can forgive, we really (corr.) do need to. (corr.) We need to let a- we really need to. (corr.) My Mom was right, (corr.) there's absolutely - it's just adding weight, that we're just carrying around (corr.) those stones. My Mom was right, I know she is. JD: She is right. She's right on the fucking money. She's on it. (note: no talking for another 17 seconds) JD: We can make it if we want to. We can get through this shit if we want to. But if you're unsure, right now, then - AH: You know I'm not. I love you. I love you and - I just needed the security again, (corr.) I needed to have something to hold onto. Or else I'm lying. JD: Tell me shit. Just tell me, before it becomes something you've held inside for so long that it-- AH: Yeah. JD: -- wants to (corr.) just explode. (corr.) AH: I understand. JD: Tell me. And I'll tell you the same. And then, once we can fucking get this shit out without it being some huge drama, or even if it is a huge drama, once we can get this shit out, recognize it and like you said, fucking, it's gone. Chuck it, (corr.) doesn't work. That method does not work, bam, it's gone. Next. Fuck (corr.) man, I'd fucking die if (corr.) I thought - (corr.) and it kills me (corr.) that possibly- that you (corr.) would think that I take so much for granted, or that I'm untrustworthy or a bad husband, or - AH: I didn't say you were untrustworthy. JD: No, I'm just saying it's- AH: And I said what I needed to say, (corr.) I'm not gonna- you know I won't- JD: I know, baby, I'm not asking you to elaborate on anything I'm saying. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: All I'm saying is, I would fucking die if I knew that was how you thought of me. And now I know what I know, and I'll fucking do my best to get it together, so that I don't fuck with you and you don't fuck with me. (corr.) And we're a fucking - we're a couple again, and we're friends again. I don't wanna fight with you. I love you. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) I promise I won't explode if we just do the things a little different in the fight. You know, like, don't walk away from me! Do it in a different way, and I promise I won't resort to the same shit. I promise, okay? (note: She says something before "I promise", but I can't tell if it's actually something proper, for lack of a better word, maybe "I'm serious"? Or if it's just something like "I s-". The unofficial transcripts say #01 "and", #02 nothing, also leaving out the "I" and #03 "and", none of which I agree with.) JD: Thank you. Maybe when that fucking hocus pocus happens and we get all (corr.) fucking edgy with each other, instead of standing squaring off like a couple of fighters-- (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: -- maybe let's try (corr.) to sit down, seriously you know like sit down. Even if we say "hey listen, we're fighting like bastards, let's sit down and have a glass of wine, -- (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: -- and talk through this." I know you got it in you, I know you got it in you. And I know (corr.) that I have it in me. It's just a question of-- (corr.) AH: I really (inaudible) JD: --realizing and admitting (corr.) what-- you know. (note: This is where Plt343 ends and where, for 5 more minutes, we continue with Plt356 only. Plt356 - the last 5 minutes: JD: (corr.) And I realize and I admit. What you got? AH: I was just pausing it. I realized I was about to run out of battery. It's still rolling, this thing. JD: Uh, here. (note: noise, noise, noise) (corr.) There you go. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (note: KC's transcript says here: AH: Thank you JD: No problem. I can potentially hear the "thank you", but can't hear a response.) (note: no talking for about 30 seconds) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: (corr.) (inaudible, maybe "I was just") I'm waiting for Jack (corr.) (inaudible, kinda sounds like "Jackamores"?). AH: Oh, um, he's doing a Halloween thing. JD: He's doing a Halloween thing? AH: Yeah, he's going to like, a Halloween... a Halloween thing and he said he wanted to try and stop by, um, before... JD: He sent me a-- (corr.) AH: -- or after before (?) JD: He sent me a thing this morning at 10:45, said, "Hey Dad, sorry I missed you. I was at a place where murderers chase you with weapons and stuff." AH: That was at 10 this morning? JD: 10:45, he said, "You wanna meet up today?" At 10:57, I hit him and said, "Yes sir, I'm at 80. I'm ready anytime you say." And he says, "Yay. Just woke up, so gotta wait till like a ha-...like a half..." (corr.) or- Is that one or two? It's probably half. I said, "Whenever you want, bud. I'll be here whenever you are." He said, "Thanks, Dad. See you soon. Can't wait." AH: I like to... he said he was going to a Halloween place that's really scary and then I said, "Do you... -- (corr.) JD: I thought you-- AH: -- I would love to see (corr.) you, if you wanna come over." JD: (corr.) Sure that wasn't last night? AH: No... I'll show you right now. It said... JD: Fucker. AH: See? It said, "Today at one." (note: no talking for almost 30 seconds) AH: (corr.) Right? JD: Yeah. Well, that's alright. Maybe he was afraid to tell me or something. AH: Do you want to, um... do you wanna go home? JD: You going back down? I thought you had shit that you had to do. AH: What? JD: I thought you had shit you had to do. (corr.) AH: Hm-mm. (?) JD: No? AH: You asked me that earlier, too. JD: Well, cause last night you said... AH: I'm blowing off the... you know, I told Rocky I'd hang out with her. (corr.) And then-- (corr.) JD: Oh. AH: I told (corr.), you know, Lizzie I'd see her at some point. I'm not... you know, Rocky had said, "Have some friends over. Cool." JD: Oh, that's right. She (corr.) - yeah, she said... AH: You know, I mean that kind of thing and I'm not... I have to clean out my closet. JD: Let me, um... AH: I'm not going to do any of it. I just wanna (corr.) have some dinner and a glass of wine. And if you wanna join me... JD: I wanna do that right now. Let's go. Say it. AH: What? JD: Say the words. AH: I love you. I love you. JD: I love you. I love you. Forgive me or let me earn your forgiveness. I forgive you. AH: Do you? JD: I forgive you. AH: I'm really sorry. (corr.) JD: Thank you. AH: I am. JD: Thank you. I'm... (corr.) Boils down to those last two words, (inaudible), or three words. Let me get my shit together. Okay?

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October 05, 2015
Monday

time based on metadata2go (20:51:33 (UTC+0))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-10-05 01:51:33 pm (UTC-7)		00:02:40 - 00:03:43	m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt393A --------------- regarding people witnessing their fights

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(corr.) JD: I... AH: The fact of the matter is, Johnny, they don't know! None of your friends. Whether they saw a tiny fraction, that was the tip of an iceberg, a tip of an iceberg! That was my reaction to yet again, this happening. That is the tip of the iceberg. If you wanna use that as some sort of, like mental excuse or validation of whatever - of telling your friends, or whatever they think, or whatever they think about me or whatever - fine. But they only saw a tip of an iceberg. None of your friends - JD: Let me ask you a question. AH: ...and none of this team have actually been there for one of our fights. They've never actually seen- JD: Oh boy, that's not - that's not true. AH: Really? Have they been in the hallway? Yeah? JD: They've heard everything. AH: Have they (corr.) seen-? Baby, that is absolutely not true. They have not heard everything. JD: Nathan could fucking quote us. AH: Great, he can quote a part of it. But he has not been there. No one has actually been there, for a fight in its entirety. JD: No, how could they? AH: No, exactly. So stop using that as (corr.) some sort of excuse, like "They see it, they know." They work for you or they're your friends.

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(presumably) December 31 20, 2015
(presumably) Thursday Sunday

date based on file name and exhibit description (which might be based on the file name) date based on the December timeline and what's being said in Def581

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	---	12-31-15 clip 1 (presumably CTRLOOO71904)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown			m4a mp3	Plt85 (pdf) ----- pdf via FF court doc ----- txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Def581 --------------- "after you beat the shit out of me" which may or may not be Amber quoting Johnny --------------- the title when you play the file says "12-31-15 clip 2" (= CTRLOO071905)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	Plt85 (pdf)	12-31-15 clip 3 (presumably CTRLOOO71906)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	Plt85 (pdf)	12-31-15 clip 4 (presumably CTRLOOO71907)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	Plt85 (pdf) ----- pdf via FF court doc	12-31-15 clip 5 (presumably CTRLOOO71908)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	---	12-31-15 clip 6 (presumably CTRLOOO71909)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown			m4a mp3	Plt85 (pdf) ----- txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt365 --------------- "couch" --------------- the title when you play the file says "12-31-15 clip 7" (= CTRLOOO71910)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown			m4a mp3	Plt85 (pdf) ----- Def 582A (pdf) ----- & see transcript for Plt365 above	Def582 --------------- cigarette, "fat ass" --------------- the title when you play the file says "12-31-15 clip 8" (= CTRLOGO71911)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown	---	---	---	---	12-31-15 clip 9 (presumably CTRLOGO71912)
2015-12-20 (?) time unknown			m4a mp3	Plt85 (pdf) ----- txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt366 --------------- "you're a flower", "because you're a fucking cunt" --------------- the title when you play the file says "12-31-15 clip 10" (= CTRLOO071913)

official & unofficial transcripts
(unoffial ones corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash & official transcripts
CTRLOO071904 - neither audio nor transcript available
CTRLOO071905 / Def581 transcribed by serpentineeyelash: AH: ... go "I fucked up and cry in my bedroom, after I dumped you a fucking week (corr.) ... week prior, a fucking week prior, after you beat the shit out of me". And then a week later you show up at my doorstep, in my room, saying you wanna say goodbye. Okay, say goodbye. JD: Oh, I said it? AH: Yes, you did say it. I'll go to the text messages, so that we are clear on the tape. JD: Yes, cause you'd said it before to me. AH: Okay. No doubt. But you did not say that you'd come over to say bye? JD: I made a huge mistake. AH: You didn't say that to me? JD: I made a huge mistake. AH: You didn't say that to me? JD: Well, I won't do it again. AH: (corr.) What's the mistake then? Did you or did you not say you were coming over to say bye? Plt85 (official transcript) (note: I didn't bother correcting this one, as the corrected version can already be seen above.) AH: go I fucked up and cried in my bedroom after I had dumped you a fucking week, week prior, a fucking week prior after you beat the shit out of me. And then a week later you show in my, show up at my doorstep in my room saying you want to say goodbye. OK say goodbye. JD: Oh I said it? AH: Yes you did say it. I'll go to the text messages so that we are clear. JD: Yes because you'd said it before to me. AH: Okay, no doubt but you did not say you came over to say bye? JD: I made a huge mistake AH: You didn't say that to me JD: I made a huge mistake: AH: You didn't say that to me JD: Well I won't do it again. AH: What's the mistake then? Did you or did you not say that you were coming over to say bye v02 via Defendant's Memorandum in Support of Cross Motion to Compel and for Sanctions: (note: I didn't bother re-transcribing this one here, as we already have the corrected version and the exhibit version above)
CTRLOO071906 Plt85 (official transcript, no audio available to check) JD: (unaudible) fucking talk to you AH: Hey I was standing right there. Please don't run into me... JD: Get out of my way AH: I am not going to get out of your way I am standing right here. JD: Okay I will make sure I avoid you AH: Please try to avoid human beings when they're standing in front of you JD: Hey that's really good advice you're really knowledgeable.
CTRLOO071907 Plt85 (official transcript, no audio available to check) JD: Fuck off, go go away AH: No please please stop JD: I can say that if I want to. After all the shit you said to me AH: Please stop JD: (unaudible) in there and get out of my fucking face... AH: We have to once in a while recalibrate and just learn JD: No no we don't have to recalibrate AH: Yes we do sometimes we do, sometimes we have to go okay JD: No because you blow it and you suck and I'm sick of it and fuck you AH: Take a second take an inhale take an exhale JD: No I am sick of it AH: Take an inhale take an exhale control your self control yourself a little bit better you fucking need help.
CTRLOO071908 Plt85 (official transcript, no audio available to check) AH: Monster JD: Watch me AH: No there isn't. There's no difference. JD: Watch me, watch me douchebag AH: Never a difference. Never a difference. There won't be. There won't be a difference this time. JD: Why do you think I come crawling back. AH: I know it. No, I know it, yeah, I know there won't be a difference. I know it will take seven, five, ten days depending on where I go. If I go to New York wanna be with my friends, If I fuck off to Texas... By the way JD: You know what, no. You go suck cock. AH: Bye v02 via Defendant's Memorandum in Support of Cross Motion to Compel and for Sanctions: AH: Monster. JD: Watch me. AH: No, there isn't. There's no difference. JD: Watch me, watch me, douchebag AH: Never a difference. Never a difference. It won't be. There won't be a difference this time. JD: Oh, you think I'll come crawling back? AH: I know it. No, I know it. Yeah. I know there won't be a difference. I know it will take seven, five, ten days depending on where I go. If I go to New York, want to be with my friends. If I fuck off to Texas. By the way-- JD: You know what? No. You know what? You go suck cock-- AH: Bye.
CTRLOO071909 - neither audio nor transcript available
CTRLOO071910 & CTRLOO071911 / Plt365 & Def582 transcribed by serpentineeyelash: Plt365: AH: Couch! Couch! Couch! You give me one couch, I gave you three other couches. Two? Two couches. It's what I want. (note: "It's what I" is inaudible to me. If anything, I hear "What do you want?") JD: You (corr.) don't pay attention to it. AH: Please, give me (corr.) couch. JD: What do you want? AH: Couch! JD: Couch, fine. What do you want? AH: I want couch! JD: Yeah, have a seat then. (note: inaudible to me) AH: I want couch! JD: Couch. AH: Agree, please though! You said it, you agreed... JD: Couch, agreed! AH: ... before we started talking. I wanna stop fighting. JD: Have I been fighting? AH: Yes. Everything you've said has been nasty and provoking and mean-spirited. JD: Not you (corr.), I'm sure. AH: No, I'm not saying that. You asked me yours. By the way, you just threw a fucking cigarette on me! Def582: AH: Go put your fucking cigarettes out on someone else! You fucking have consequences for your actions. That's it! JD: Shut up, fat ass. AH: Yeah, you got me there. (Note: serpentineeyelash's transcription combines the two audio clips seamlessly. However, we don't know if there was anything said in between, so I separated them.) CTRLOO071910 Plt85 (official transcript) (note: I didn't bother correcting this one, as the corrected version can already be seen above.) AH: Couch, couch, couch! You give me one couch, I gave you three other couches. Two? Two couches. JD: You don't pay attention to them AH: Please give me couch. JD: What do you want? AH: Couch. JD: Couch, fine. What do you want? AH: I want couch. JD: mumbles AH: I want couch. Agree please, though. You said you agreed before when we started talking. JD: Couch agree. AH: When we stopped fighting. JD: Have I been fighting? AH: Yes. Everything you said has been nasty and provoking and mean spirited. JD: Not you of course. AH: No I'm not saying that you asked me yours by the way you just threw a fucking cigarette on me. CTRLOO071911 Plt85 (official transcript) (note: I didn't bother correcting this one, as the corrected version can already be seen above.) AH: Go and put your fucking cigarettes out on someone else. You fucking have consequences for your actions. That's it. JD: Shut up fat ass AH: Yeah you get me there
CTRLOO071912 - neither audio nor transcript available
CTRLOO071913 / Plt366 transcribed by serpentineeyelash: (note: this audio was very difficult to understand) AH: Johnny! JD: Stop! AH: Johnny, stop please! Stop it, please! JD: I'm gonna leave right now. (note: I feel like he says something between "leave" and "right", if that is indeed what he's saying) AH: Please, I want you to sit down! Please! You asked me what I want, I told you? What are you fucking walking away for? JD: [inaudible] AH: You asked me what I wanted and then you stormed off when I responded! JD: [inaudible] AH: I answered honestly! JD: (corr.) You wanna be here. That's not what I want. [inaudible] AH: No! JD: Okay. (corr.) (inaudible, kinda sounds like "Have a good day in curl.", the first part would make sense as he wants to leave, "in curl" is obviously not correct, but maybe it helps someone figure out what he actually says) AH: I don't! You asked me what I wanted, I told you! JD: I wanna leave. I don't want to be in your presence right now. AH: Okay, I don't want you to understand what I'm saying to an extent that makes you want to leave my presence. I don't want that ever. JD: [inaudible] AH: You have! You're asking me, and then you're putting words in my mouth! JD: No, I'm saying I- AH: You're asking me, and then you're accidentally putting words in my mouth. JD: Just say the words you want to say. (note: it sounds to me like he says "Just say what you mean to say." or "need" instead of "mean"?) AH: If you wanna break up with me, and really don't care- JD: I don't care what you're saying, just say it! AH: If you wanna break up with me, and really don't care where we are in the future, that could be [inaudible]. That's not the case. I know (corr.) that you and I have a future together. However, I'm the only person, as of (corr.) right here and now, that is absolutely aware of that fact. So, you- JD: [inaudible] AH: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... [Inaudible talking for about half a minute.] AH: I'm asking you, [inaudible]. I'm asking you, do you want a life together? (note: the "together" is inaudible to me, if anything, it sounds more like "with me") Right now, I don't feel (corr.) like we're gonna have a life together [inaudible]. (note: everything after "I don't feel like" is inaudible to me as are about 80% of the rest of the audio) JD: Well, that's not - well, that's just not [inaudible]. AH: When I look back, I have to say, actually... [inaudible]. I came to you five times, whatever. I came to you, didn't I? Didn't I? That one night when I actually came to you in the shower, [inaudible]. You are! JD: [inaudible] The one day that I [inaudible]. That one day, you fucking, you fucking clocked me. Don't use that analogy again. AH: Did I? JD: You did. AH: I'm sorry. JD: [inaudible] And that's why [inaudible] fight, fight, fight, fight [inaudible] all of the sweet things you say- AH: [inaudible] You're a flower! Every other man I know, every other relationship I've had with a man, is like "oh, I can handle shit", but you're a fucking flower. Every single time you get into- JD: Because you're a fucking cunt! AH: Every- Plt85 (official transcript) (note: I didn't bother correcting this one, as the corrected version can already be seen above.) AH: Johnny stop, stop it please, please, I want you to sit down, please, you asked me what I want I told you, what are you fucking (inaudible) for, you asked me what I wanted and then you (inaudible) when I responded I answered honestly JD: you want me to (inaudible) AH: you asked me what I wanted JD: I don't believe you I don't wanna (inaudible) AH: Okay I (inaudible) want you to understand what I am saying to an extent that makes me want [inaudible]. You're asking me and then you are putting words in my mouth, you're asking me [inaudible] if you were to break up with me JD: I don't care what you're saying Just say it AH: If you wanna break up with me (inaudible) care who we are (inaudible) I know that you and I have a future together however I am the only person who [inaudible] right now that is absolutely aware of that fact so JD: (inaudible) AH: Okay okay okay alright (inaudible) AH: Right now I (inaudible) (inaudible) AH: louder, every other man I know, every relationship I know the man is like oh yeah, (inaudible) JD: because you're a fucking cunt

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January 03, 2016
Sunday

times based on metadata2go (Jan 03, 18:38:58 pm (UTC-8) & Jan 04, 03:58:27 am (UTC+0)) and the portions of the recording


beginning of full recording: Jan 03, 06:38:58 pm (UTC-8)
ending of full recording: Jan 03, 07:58:27 pm (UTC-8)

According to JD WS04 read out by Elaine Bredehoft during JD's depo pg 979, this was recorded on Jan 04, 2016, 02:38:58 pm, UTC not mentioned. If we're assuming this was UTC+0 and the "pm" was meant to be "am", the time matches the one listed by the Metadata site.

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-01-03 06:38:58 pm (UTC-8) to 06:39:18 pm (UTC-8)		00:00:00 - 00:00:20	m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Def598B
2016-01-03 06:45:03 pm (UTC-8) to 06:46:34 pm (UTC-8)		00:06:05 - 00:07:36	m4a mp3	see above	Def598A
2016-01-03 07:09:00 pm (UTC-8) to 07:10:43 pm (UTC-8)		00:30:02 - 00:31:45	m4a mp3	see above	Def598B
2016-01-03 07:10:12 pm (UTC-8) to 07:12:02 pm (UTC-8)		00:31:14 - 00:33:04	mp4 mp3	see above	Def598C
2016-01-03 07:28:46 pm (UTC-8) to 07:29:33 pm (UTC-8)		00:49:48 - 00:50:35	mp4 mp3	see above	the audio was played in court, but was neither moved to admit into evidence at the time (so we didn't get an exhibit number, but it would have been Def598D), nor uploaded to the Fairfax site
2016-01-03 07:35:25 pm (UTC-8) to 07:38:52 pm (UTC-8)		00:56:27 - 00:59:54	mp4 mp3	see above	Def598C

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

Def598B [sirens in background] AH: I meant what I said. JD: (corr.) You've not been able to do- (note: during JD's "You, you've, y-y-y-y-you've not" you can also hear Amber say "I meant exactly what I said".) AH: No, I meant exactly what I said. JD: What did you say? AH: At least I'm not doing it behind your back, I'm telling you. JD: Okay. AH: You gave me shit that I was recording, and I said yeah, I'm recording, but at least I'm telling you. JD: Okay, so... AH: And if you had asked me not to, I wouldn't. Def598A [A bit later, with sirens still in the background:] AH: The person who is loudest is most responsible. Just because- just - just - JD: My 16-year-old daughter heard you saying shit that she would rather not hear. AH: By the way, that's because I'm louder. By the way - because I'm louder. JD: Okay, whatever. AH: By the way, my family, my friends,... JD: 'Cause you scream. AH: ... everyone around me, saw all the bruises and broken blood vessel under my eye, the bruises on my head, the missing chunks of hair, the split lip, the black eye, the swollen nose, all that shit, because you're stronger. It does not mean, it does not mean because they heard me that I'm somehow more responsible. It just means they heard me because I yell in a fight. You do provoke, I yell. It doesn't mean I'm more responsible or badder. However, I am exposed via that the distance between Café Cabrones and the house is significant, and I know, I know, that that does not mean that they got an accurate representation of our fight. But if you told them stuff, great, cool, thanks for exposing me. As I said to you before, don't do it again, unless you want me to really also tell them my side of things, because trust me, you know- JD: You're welcome to. AH: Trust me, you know I have a different side than you. And if I show them pictures and stuff, I'm sure they'll have an even more different side. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: And in fact, if I tell them even more stuff, they'll have an even more clear picture of what I think of both sides. But if you- JD: Then maybe I should show them - maybe I should show them this and this- AH: Right, (corr.) but if you... that's true. JD: ... from the mineral spirits can that you threw at my face. AH: You can do - you can do whatever you want. You can do whatever. You can do whatever. By the way, do it! I promise you, do it! Do whatever you want. JD: You don't want me to do that. AH: No, you do whatever you want. JD: They'll never speak to you again. Def598B & Def598C (the last 30 seconds of Def598B and the first 30 seconds of Def598C are overlapping) [Around half an hour later:] (note: about 22 mins later) JD: Walking away is necessary, is necessary, especially between you and I. It is of utmost importance, because the next move, if I don't walk away or just go out for a (corr.) little while, it's just gonna be a bloodbath. You know, like it was on the island, of course. Like it was - you know, it's not worth it, man, it's not worth it. AH: Yeah, if the - if the - JD: Why be miserable? Can we just... AH: If the options are there. (note: "there" or "that"?) JD: ... have some semblance of understanding (corr.) for each (corr.) other's... AH: Please? Please, can we? (corr.) JD: Yeah. AH: Because I'm not trying to say - hey, by the way, (corr.) no one in their right mind is gonna choose "bloodbath" over walking away, obviously, if you're given the option between the two. JD: Then why has it been chosen so many times? AH: [laughs] It's that snowball, it is not a distinct choice (corr.) either one of us make at any discernible point. JD: No, it's stubbornness and it's all kinds of shit. AH: (corr.) You know and it builds, right? JD: Mm-hm. AH: Like you build, I build, you know. It isn't like at one moment either of us sign a certificate (corr.) of saying, or like sign a contract, or say 'okay, now (corr.) a bloodbath'." No, so acting as though there's a choice between the two is irrelevant. I'm not asking you to stay over having a bloodbath, (corr.) I'm asking you... I mean (corr.) over walking away... I'm not asking you (corr.) to have a bloodbath over walking away. I'm asking (corr.) you to work it out over prolonging it and making it bigger. JD: Right, but if - AH: I mean, at least that's how I see it, you know. JD: Indeed. But if things get heated - AH: Yeah. JD: And it looks like it's (corr.) going somewhere nasty, and the name-calling begins, and all that stuff... (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: I've got to get away. (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: Because I don't want to be ever in a situation again like that. AH: Me too. JD: Never. AH: Me too. Me too. JD: Never, so... AH: Me too. JD: (corr.) That's... that's... don't freak out, if we do have a fight and I walk away. AH: I'm not (corr.) going to do that. I'm asking you to stay when you feel you're also in the interest of working it out. JD: I think it's a good idea for us to take a moment, or two - I don't mean (corr.) a moment, I mean take some time. Take some time to think by ourselves without being, you know, barraged by each other's fucking bullshit whatevers. I just - I just - let's take a - let's take a break from it, and then come back, try and be calm and walk through the thing. But I'm (corr.) not gonna stand and fight with you. I will not. AH: I don't! I don't want that! I don't want that! JD: You can call me a coward, you can call me anything you want, all those names. Do it. But I will not do it again. AH: Please stop asking - I mean, please can you stop for the sake of this conversation? JD: No, I'm just saying I won't do it again, that's all. Def598D [16 minutes later:] AH: Don't you see (corr.) how upset you are, please? JD: I'm not, I'm itching. I don't want to be doing this. I want it just to - AH: I don't want - there's - I don't wanna do it, either. JD: Why don't you just say, "Okay baby, I understand, I'll go home and you do your thing where you hang out with your daughter, and then I'll see you in a couple hours, and we'll talk about it"? Is it that difficult to say that? Or do you just fucking hate me and you wanna be shitty about it? Please! Just fucking - it's not that difficult! Okay? I don't wanna stand here in a driveway and argue with you. AH: I don't, either. JD: Okay, well, I'll see you in a little bit, okay? AH: Sure. JD: Please? Please. Just let me know if you're gonna go somewhere, just let me know, please, so I know. Def598C [6 minutes later:] JD: And let's not do this anymore. Because I'm really getting frustrated. And I'm really, really... AH: Please - JD: ... really sick of this argument. AH: Stop, I'm sorry. JD: Okay, so let me go, and you go, and I'll speak to you in a couple hours. Okay? Okay? AH: Stop. (note: I think she then says "Okay.") JD: Why are you saying stop? AH: Because you're being so- JD: May I go? AH: Please, it causes me so much stress when you lea-, when you walk away from me when that is like your - you don't understand how much worse you're making this! JD: I can't believe this. AH: Please, you're making it worse for me. JD: Okay, I'm sorry for you. AH: Please, I'm only trying to tell you so that you know, you're causing me immense stress right now, when you walk away like that. There's no reason to be mad. JD: Well then, say goodbye! I haven't walked away. You're not saying goodbye, you won't let me fucking leave. JD: Let me leave! AH: [inaudible] (note: kinda sounds like "oh my god"?) AH: Stop rushing me! Stop pushing me in the corner and then poking me with a stick and then saying "Why aren't you saying the words you want me to say?" Stop poking me! Stop rushing me! Stop throwing me against the wall and going "What? You don't like that wall? You don't like the fucking wall?" JD: Amber... AH: Stop pushing me! JD: Amber, I'm not pushing you. I'm not rushing you. I said, I need space. I don't want this conversation anymore right now. I need space, and I will take my space, whether you like it or not. I will take it. And you will take your space. But if you keep halting this- AH: I'm not doing anything to you. JD: - and continuing with the rhetoric- AH: I'm not continuing it, I'm begging you to stop. JD: (corr.) I don't... Okay, stop. I'm stopped. (corr.) I'm... stopped. Now I have to go. Okay? So we will speak to each other in a couple of hours, okay? Now (corr.) I hope you have a... some kind of revelation makes you feel better - you know, and I hope I do, too, but we'll just see when I get home - and we'll just talk, or we won't talk, or we (corr.), you know, will finish this, or we won't finish it. But this is not love, this is not happiness... AH: Please, I've been begging you to stop! JD: ... (corr.) this is not... this is- AH: Please, stop doing this, please! You're causing me so much fucking stress, I'm gonna die at this (corr.) a-... I'm gonna fucking die! You're causing me so much stress. Please stop. Please, I feel like I have a heart attack almost every day. Please stop, please stop doing it! (note: I think it's safe to say that she was about to say "age" as was written in the transcript, but she did stop after "a") JD: Then what are you doing - why-? AH: Please stop being so fucking mean! You're a fucking bully, stop! JD: Why are you with me? AH: Please stop, I've been begging you not to fight! I just said, can we please have a normal argument, just even a normal conversation, fucking normal argument? And for the last hour I've been begging you to please just leave it at that. Let's just go on with our night. I would have been able to come in with you, we would have been able to let it go in a few minutes. It would have been fine. It would just (corr.) if we allowed ourselves to have fucking normal arguments. Please, you're killing me with this! You're killing me! You're fucking killing me! Fuck! JD: Sean, could you...? Please, I want you to just go. I want you to take your medicine, or whatever. I'm sorry that I've upset you this much. AH: (corr.) Yeah, I think... Thank you Sean. I'm ready to go. Thank you so much. JD: (corr.) I'm really sorry. AH: I'm really ready. Thanks.

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January 05, 2016
Tuesday

time based on metadata2go (Jan 06, 2016 at 00:18:16 am (UTC+0))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-01-05 04:18:16 pm (UTC-8)			m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt394

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(note: I added timestamps every 10 minutes.) (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Here's mine. JD: Just think about how you approached me with it. You said, I gotta talk to you. (corr.) Of course we have to see Dr Laurel. We gotta see her separately. You were looking for me to go since you'd saw her last time, by yourself. You called Nathan, and he told you that this week doesn't look good, because there's so much shit going on as it is. AH: Yeah, well I connected Laurel and Nathan so that he could plan it for you. JD: (corr.) Mmm. (note: transcript says "Mm-hm.", as in "Yes/I agree", but his "Mmm" is an "Ah, I see.") AH: Or he could schedule you. And then, when I got that text from him today saying it will have to be next week, I guess, I said to you can we talk about this because it's twofold. One, I have to plan to go see her too, you know? (corr.) JD: Uh-huh. AH: So it does- JD: Well, that's never gonna conflict, because whenever you - AH: Well, it does, because - here's why it does. It's a marriage - she's a marriage counselor. JD: Mm-hm. AH: And if I'm going to see her by myself only-- (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: -- it's completely pointless and redundant. That's - JD: What, why? AH: Because she's not - she's not my counselor. She's - the client is the marriage, right? So it does no good for me to be the only one that goes, if that's what it's going to turn out to be. JD: Mmm. But- AH: And because I have been the last one to go several times by myself - I think I've seen her now two or three times - JD: Have you really? (corr.) By yourself? AH: Yeah probab- maybe two times. And then, oh yeah, I called her. So yeah, like three times if you count the phone, you know, like a proper phone thing. And if I'm the only one that continues to do that, then it is redundant. You know what I mean? It's kinda pointless since the client is the marriage. It can't just be me. (corr.) JD: You mean-- AH: That's why I said it affects me. JD: So you mean if you continue to do it and I don't do it, that's redundant, 'cause she's a marriage counselor? Is that what you're saying? The client is the marriage. You just said that if you keep doing it, it's redundant. AH: Yes, there's no point in - there's no point in only one person going to a marriage counselor. JD: Exactly, so you are - you're already saying right there, in that, you've written it off in your head that I won't do it. AH: No. No. JD: So then why - why would you say just you doing it is redundant? That's implying that only one person is going to see this lady. AH: No, I'm explaining why it's redundant for only one person to see this lady. JD: But I never talked about one person only seeing this lady. AH: I know. JD: Then why are we talking about it? Why are we talking about that? AH: I don't know, you seem to be - we're talking about it, -- (corr.) JD: No, but I'm-- AH: -- I guess, because you seem upset -- (corr.) JD: No. AH: -- that I asked if you were going to make this a priority. 'Cause I know your schedule is busy but if it- JD: No, you didn't ask me if I was going to make this a priority. You said, "is this a priority?" AH: Oh, okay, sorry, but (note: "but"? "that"?)- JD: "Is this a priority?" AH: I'm not quite sure how those are different, but I'm sorry you see that that one is different. JD: Well, they're very different things. AH: Okay. I'm sorry that I said "is it -" JD: Don't get wound up. AH: I'm not wound up. I'm absolutely not wound up at all. JD: Okay. I - AH: Am I yelling at you, or calling you names, or (corr.) you see me (?) yelling at you? JD: No no no, I can hear (corr.) your- I can hear your voice change. AH: Yeah, I have expressions and feelings. But I am not upset or attacking you. JD: I didn't say you were. I just said don't get wound up, that's all. AH: I'm not wound up. I'm not wound up. JD: Okay, okay. Well listen. All I'm saying is: You asked if it was a priority to me. I said it was. And you said "Okay, then we have to make (corr.) a- you gotta (corr.) get this, (corr.) you gotta do the appointments, (corr.) you gotta make (corr.) this work, (corr.) you gotta (corr.), you know, whatever, (corr.) you gotta take the time, your whole day's not taken up by these other things." When in fact, there is a large amount of my day taken up by these various things that are going on within the next week or so. And - AH: No doubt, (corr.) yeah, I know, and I know you're busy. JD: And so- AH: That's why I asked you if you're gonna make it a priority in that sense that - JD: (corr.) You didn't ask if I was gonna make it a priority. You asked if it was a priority to me. AH: Okay, I guess what I'm saying is, in me saying if it is a priority, what I'm asking you or saying in that is, will you make this a priority in your day? By me saying "is it a priority?", that's what I'm asking. So, I - I - JD: If it's a priority, Amber, I don't need to make it a priority. It is a priority, and I'm gonna try and work out a time when I can go see the woman. AH: Okay. JD: It's difficult to pin down, I can't-- (corr.) AH: I wasn't ex-- I wasn't expecting a date. JD: --give you a date as you're expecting, and that's what this is all about. AH: No, it's not. You got upset when I asked you this question and I have been (corr.) trying to understand why, because I'm just trying to understand. Remember (corr.), that's why we started talking, I said "I feel like you're getting upset because (corr.) maybe oh yeah, (corr.) you think I'm saying you fucked up." (corr.), you know, I was trying to understand why you were upset by that question, that's all. JD: What I was saying with that whole thing - AH: You were the one who was upset, not me. JD: I don't feel (corr.) like it was - I don't feel it's pre- (corr.), like, well, I guess it is pre-judgement, only in the sense that it exists within you already. It's not something that just happens, you know, like missing an appointment or something and you go "(corr.) Well, of course he fucking did." That kinda deal, you know? (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: It was expected, you know? AH: Okay. JD: So it's expected,-- (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: -- I guess. AH: Okay. JD: So let's forget the pre-judgement or whatever. It's just expected that, you know, if you just leave it to me, I won't get it done. Therefore you feel you have to take the initiative. (note: "the initiative" is inaudible to me) AH: Did I say that? JD: No, but that's what it's - that's kinda what it is. AH: I'm sorry you felt that way. I am. That sucks to feel. JD: Well, just understand (corr.) if you want to know, really, if this is a priority for me, then why don't you just sit back and let me do what I do and you see if I take care of it? AH: I will. JD: If I don't take care of it, then (corr.) you got your answer. AH: I will absolutely do (corr.) just that, 'cause I don't have any other choice (corr.) but to do just that. But that still doesn't mean I can't ask my husband if you're going to make something a priority that I have made myself, and that you have promised to make, and that - knowing you're busy and that you juggle a lot of things and (corr.) your focus has to be on so many different things. I can ask you, I have every right to ask you (corr.), my husband, if you're gonna make something a priority, without it becoming a 45-minute fight about semantics (corr.) and inferences (corr.) and judgements that - JD: Semantics? If this is semantics, baby, then our entire existence is gonna be a fucking - just a back and forth. AH: I would love to get into (corr.) the existential kind of, (corr.) like, you know, or fatalistic conversation with you, but I don't feel like it's helpful. JD: I'm not existentialist about it, I'm not fatalistic about it, I'm being realistic and I'm being as honest as I can. AH: Okay. JD: (corr.) You know, I'm being as honest as I know how to be. You know? And that is to say that, it is a priority to me. As I said when you asked if it is a priority, I will make it happen. Which means, I suppose, I will make the priority a priority, you know? And- AH: That's all I asked. I mean, but I have been talking to you about it since in a way that has been trying to defuse how upset you got about that question. JD: How ups-? (corr.) I didn't get upset. AH: You got really defensive and (corr.) kind of aggressive with me. JD: No. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: When? When you asked me if it was a priority? AH: (corr.) Uhm. Okay. (corr.) With that maybe I should have said that's how (corr.) I felt. And - JD: I know how you feel. AH: Okay. So I feel like that, and I also feel like I can't be expected to be in, nor would you want me to be, in a relationship where that somehow is (corr.) a (inaudible), you know, a major offense. Beautiful watch, by the way. JD: Thank you. AH: Like that's somehow a major offense, 'cause I asked you if it's a priority. JD: It's not - it's not - AH: I'm not a tyrant. (corr.) You know, it's not like I can't - I wanna feel like I don't (corr.) have to walk on eggshells, and I can have the freedom to - you know, (corr.) that we can have the freedom to, like, say normal things to one another. Like, "hey, I care about (corr.) this thing that you promised (corr.) me, are you gonna do it?" Even though that might be even at best, or at worst, I'm sorry, annoying to you, that's gotta be okay without it becoming this. And I have been trying to defuse it (00:10:00) since it started, by trying to understand what made you so upset. That's one of the first things I said in this conversation (corr.) is "I'm gonna try really hard to understand why you're so" - I mean, I said (corr.) "Oh, I understand why, I'm trying to understand why you're upset". If it's simply because I asked you if you're gonna, like, do this thing, and you felt as though that was pre-judging you, then there's gotta be a better way for you to tell me how you feel. JD: Well, don't you think it is? AH: Pardon? JD: Don't you think it is pre-judging? AH: No, I think pre-judging would be not to (corr.) bother asking. But that's my honest answer. I think it says a lot that I thought I could ask you. I'm giving you - (note: There's something weird going on between her saying "not to" and "bother", the transcript says "not to even bother" and it's like she's about to say that, but then doesn't? But not in the usual "she's stopping herself" kind of way. I don't know, it sounds very strange.) JD: I'm not saying you can't ask me. (corr.) I'm (inaudible) AH: (corr.) You are. (corr.) (inaudible, maybe "alright"?) It's like-- JD: No, I'm not saying that at all. AH: Your actions have told me that, though. It's been a 45 minute talk that I think neither one of us can wait to get out of. You know, and it shouldn't be like that, just, even if it had annoyed you for some reason, it shouldn't become this. JD: If Nathan tells you that I - that this week is gonna be difficult, and that upsets you - AH: It didn't upset me at all. It did not upset me. At all. JD: Really? AH: Not at all. I was - JD: Then why were you saying that next week's not good or --? AH: I had a conversation with you in the same tone, if not lighter than I am now. How can you say it upset me? I gave you zero indication to (corr.) feel like I- it upset me. I said explicitly and implicitly, both, that I wasn't upset, that I was attempting to have a conversation with you. Because I understood you were busy and handling a lot of things, and - JD: And you wanted to know when I could see the lady? AH: I didn't say when. I was not expecting you to know your schedule at all, nor would I ever, by the way. JD: (corr.) Like, that's why I said, yes, I said (corr.) it to you, I gotta look at the schedule, I gotta look at - AH: That's what you said. But I certainly didn't ask you for a time or any sort of indication of when you would I go. I asked (corr.) if it was a priority, it was a broader question, not a specific - JD: Right, and I answered the question. AH: Okay but you just said I was asking you (corr.) for when (corr.) you were gonna go, and I am clarifying that I did not. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: Because it'd be a foolish thing and that's part of why I asked you if it was a priority, (corr.) is because I know (corr.) you're dealing with a lot. I would never expect you to know your own schedule. JD: Yeah, well, I don't. [Makes weird unintelligible noises. (note: I think it's clear that he's playing with/talking to/petting the dog who you can also hear after JD says "I told you, I told you")] (corr.) Uhm, okay. AH: I'm sorry you felt judged by that question, but I wasn't - JD: No, don't be. (note: I'm not sure about the "be") AH: You're very very sensitive to me - JD: I'm a very sensitive fucking person. I don't know what to say. AH: I know, but you've got really thin skin about maybe me thinking you're a fuckup. I didn't even have to say you were or that I felt that, for you to feel that way. JD: No, you don't. AH: And I hope one day - I hope one day you can give me a little bit more credit, you know. Or maybe (corr.) assume I have less of a problem with you (corr.) (inaudible) "Sir"? "so"?, (corr.) you know this is about me having a problem (corr.), not you. Even though I didn't say you had one. JD: I think the only-- AH: I think you should (corr.) prob-- JD: I think the only problem is there is a prejudgement. (corr.) There's an exist-- You just automatically - it's automatic, it's built in. AH: Okay, well I'm sorry that y-- JD: You think I won't remember and I'll fuck it up (corr.) or something like that. (?) And it's-- AH: I didn't say that you would fuck (corr.) it up. But you're - the irony here that you miss is that you're making that judgement on me. That's what I think is amazing that you miss every time, is the irony. That you're so sensitive to judgement yourself, for being told you fucked up. When you, then in the same sentence as I pointed out earlier, will turn (corr.) that around and (corr.) make a judgement on someone else. JD: Okay, well. AH: (corr.) Well, which is what you're doing when you say it's my problem (corr.), even though I am-- JD: Well I guess our feelings are based on experience. Mine are based on experience, yours are based on experience. (corr.) AH: Mm-hm. JD: So, um, did you talk to Nathan? AH: No. I just sent (corr.)-- put him (corr.) in email contact with Laurel. JD: So you didn't talk to him after he said he can't - (corr.) AH: Hm-mm, no. JD: -- the dates aren't good or -? (corr.) Nothing? AH: No. No, I didn't. (note: JD is playing with the dog again.) (corr.) AH: Let me see. Yeah, no. JD: No? Okay, well let me take care of it. I'll talk with Nathan, I'll talk with Dr Laurel or whatever, figure it out, I'll figure out when I can get there. I'll get there for sure. (corr.) AH: Alright. (corr.) JD: Okay? AH: Alright, that's all I (corr.) (inaudible) "'m saying"? "was asking"? Heck, could even be "it's all answered", I don't know). (transcript says "that's all I have", which I don't hear at all) JD: (corr.) Pretty soon I gotta meet with Christi and probably doctors (corr.) about Betty Sue. But I need to talk to Christi about obviously what the fuck is gonna happen with... AH: (corr.) Sorry. (note: short pause) Uh, Nathan said your meeting was cancelled today, too, (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "your meeting last week", but that makes no sense considering it was cancelled "today"). JD: Oh yeah, there was uh, what was it about, Happy. It was about (corr.) the- Happy. [In the background, the TV documentary starts started about 45 seconds ago, when JD said "Pretty soon", about Karina Ditto being an immigrant who became dependent on her new husband.] (note: apart from JD's "Uhm" at 00:15:50, there's no talking from 00:15:47 to 00:16:32) AH: [inaudible] Christi -- (corr.) JD: Thank you. AH: -- and um, I'll see you later tonight. JD: Okay. (corr.) You taking off? AH: Yeah, I was gonna just hang out with you until, um - (note: she actually says "hanging", but let's leave "hang") [Possibly AH gets distracted by the documentary.] (note: no talking from 00:16:49 to 00:17:09) AH: Uh, I was hanging out (corr.) - I was hanging out with you so that you were gonna read this. (note: "this" is inaudible to me, sounds kinda like "and stuff" to me, then something else I can't figure out) I put, I mean I - JD: Yeah I know. AH: I can't (note: "can't" or "can"? sounds like "can't", but "can" makes more sense to me) move some things around, I'm gonna see if I can't just do it tomorrow (note: "do it tomorrow" is inaudible to me), (corr.) do them now because I know you're leaving. JD: I'm not leaving at this second (corr.), but-- (short pause) I would put some makeup on (corr.) the hickey. (note: it sounds like he then says "Here.", so he might have handed her the makeup kit) (corr.) AH: Thank you. JD: What - what's wrong? AH: Nothing. Um, if you want that - JD: I'll wait (corr:) f-- AH: It's just a little gift. JD: I'll wait for you. AH: Why? I mean, I don't have any - I don't have anything, like, huge. But you have a whole stack of them, and they kinda make me sad, (corr.) seeing them down the stairs, (corr.) they just (inaudible) shitty to me, as a human, it feels like really un- JD: Baby, we haven't had a moment where either one of us has said, "hey, that's when we do this". AH: I'm just telling you how I feel. I don't feel (corr.) pre-judged, sorry if you do. I was just telling you how I (corr.) feel. JD: I know, but if that's how you feel, why don't you say, "Hey, let's sit down and open these things?" AH: I tried, but you didn't. JD: You did, when? AH: (corr.) Like, this morning, (corr.) I did a couple days ago. It's okay, (corr.) you're right, we haven't had a lot of time together. (note: "had a lot of time together" is inaudible to me) That's why (note: "why" is inaudible to me and it sounds like she says a bit more) I brought that upstairs, I mean that's why I - that's why I brought that upstairs, 'cause I thought we (corr.) had a moment, we had a moment, you know? JD: I thought we would too. It just got onto the road it wants to be on, I suppose, I don't know. I'll open it. I'll open it with you. I'll open it with you later. (note: no talking from 00:19:22 to 00:19:38) AH: I wanna - let me (corr.) know if I can do anything about - in order to help with Betty Sue (corr.) and shit, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. And I'm here for you if you need it. JD: (corr.) Thank you. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (corr.) JD: Okay. Thank you. AH: (corr.) (00:20:00) I'm gonna go try (corr.) and- I'm gonna see if I can still do my meeting, I'm probably here to but- (note: I'm unsure about "I'm probably here to but", I can hear "I", "probably", "too, but") JD: (corr.) Why- Why do it now? It's late. (note: I think he says "It's getting late.", but I'm not sure) AH: Because if you're leaving, (corr.) then- that was the only reason I stayed (corr.) (inaudible). If you're leaving (note: "If you're leaving" is inaudible to me), I could get it done. Well I probably - I don't know if I can. I'd have to email them. I don't want you to walk away for (corr.) saying that, though. (note: "want you to" definitely sounds like "wanna" to me, which, if the rest of the sentence is correct, doesn't make sense, so it has to be either "want you to" or something like "I don't wanna walk away before saying", I'm also not sure about the "that, though") JD: Oh no no, I'm okay, (corr.) sorry. Thank you for breakfast. (note: no talking from 00:20:52 to 00:41:48) [The TV documentary talks about Karina Ditto saying her husband was controlling, him suspecting her of cheating shortly before her death, her fatal injuries being inconsistent with his story that she fell down the stairs, and how the police came to suspect him. The TV then covers his defence, including the theory that the inconsistent injuries happened accidentally when she was in hospital, David Ditto's own testimony, and a probabilistic argument. As the TV gets to David Ditto being convicted of murder, JD and AH resume their conversation at 0:42.] (corr.) AH: (in response to the guilty verdict for David Ditto) Duh! (note: no talking from 00:41:50 to 00:42:30) AH: Shall I wake you up? Are you needing to go, or are you - shall we-? JD: No, (corr.) I just keep falling- I just keep zipping (note: I'm not sure about "zipping") into these little 20-second naps. (corr.) And I'm-- AH: Do you want me to wake you up, if you're asleep? JD: Because you're leaving? (note: the beginning sounds slightly off, maybe "What? 'Cause you're leaving?"? Not sure.) AH: Yeah, I'm leaving in a minute. (corr.) JD: Don't worry, I'll be alright. AH: I(corr.)'m not, I wasn't gonna wait, I'm just [inaudible] (note: "I was just sitting"?). (corr.) JD: Okay. (or "Oh"?) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: Okay. AH: Are you gonna be - are you gonna be gone late, tonight? JD: No. [The TV continues for about a minute on what the jury and paramedics thought.] (note: no talking from 00:43:14 to 00:44:14) AH: Do you need to wake up? Are you okay? JD: I'm okay. AH: Do you need meds? JD: No, I'm fine like this. I'm okay. (note: I'm not sure about the "fine", it sounds more like "good", but I'm not sure about that, either) [Another minute or so from the TV about Karina's and David's parents.] (note: no talking from 00:44:24 to 00:45:51) AH: Are you sure you don't need your meds? JD: Mm-mm. AH: Do you need them? JD: Mmm. (corr.) Thank you. I'm okay. AH: Do you want me to tuck you in? JD: I'm okay. I'm not gonna fall asleep (corr.) for long. AH: (corr.) Okay. JD: (corr.) For s- (corr.) AH: What? JD: (corr.) For sure. AH: I'll see you later. JD: Okay. (corr.) (inaudible) you going? TV: If you were on the jury, what would you think of David Ditto's emotional testimony? AH: Bull. shit. JD: What? AH: It was bullshit, his testimony. JD: Oh. AH: It just seemed really really insincere. JD: That dude? AH: Yeah. JD: Yeah, totally. [Murder documentary finishes and the TV is turned down.] (note: Unfortunately not turned off. Sorry, it's extremely annoying while correcting. :-)) AH: (corr.) Okay. I'm (inaudible) I wish you'd, you know [inaudible] (note: I think I can hear "best" and "it was pretty bad"?). JD: (corr.) Well, I know. AH: (corr.) But know I love you. JD: I love you too. AH: You want me to take another night or two? JD: If you want to, you can. AH: (corr.) Good (?), I think. (note: no talking from 00:47:42 to 00:48:07) AH: I wish that... I wish we'd see each other more. It's senseless. (note: all that's audible to me here is the first "I wish that" and "senseless", it also sounds like she says more after that) JD: It's what? AH: It's just that it's so senseless, you know? (note: I'm not entirely sure about the beginning here, but could be correct) JD: What's senseless? AH: [inaudible] JD: But what is sensele- what? What's happening? Why is it going there? AH: (corr.) I don't know. I just asked you if you were gonna make something a priority, and you had a problem with it. And I tried, for a really long time, to defuse it. JD: (corr.) It nev- it never- it never escalated. AH: But when I look at it, (corr.) I look at what you first said to me, the more I think about it, the more, the worse the taste is in my mouth, because I realize I, I worked really hard to try and keep it cool, and (corr.) uh, what do you call it? Constructive. And, to- for wh-, to what- for what- to what end? After, I mean, 'cause I asked you about (note: "about" is inaudible to me) something that directly affects me, major- majorly, if it was gonna be a priority to you. You had a problem (corr.). It seemed so kind of (note: I don't hear "kind of", but can't tell what she says, maybe "umm"?), seemed so tyrannical, you know? JD: (corr.) It can seem whatever it seems like to you. I'm sorry. (00:50:00) Look, you know, I think you have control issues and I don't want you to - You can't control every situation in, not just your life but your husband's life, (corr.) everything moves exactly at your pace or exactly at your time, or this has to happen, or "I don't like it." (corr.) or- You got control issues, and they are upsetting at times, really really something that needs to be dealt with, you know? You wanna control things, you wanna control me. (corr.) You wanna control- You can't do it, you (corr.) just can't do it. I'm sorry. (note: I think at the end he says either "you just" very quickly, like "y-just", or only "just") AH: I thought I was asking you if you were gonna make (corr.) time for something that directly affects our lives. And I thought I was doing so, because I know you (corr.) had a lot (corr.) of other things to think about (corr.) and you might have forgotten it. But, you of all people, you said you don't wanna feel judged, you of all people have such a sensitivity to that. You don't wanna feel judged. JD: No, (corr.) judged- it's about pre-judge-. AH: (corr.) It's okay (?). No one does, but you don't wanna be - What I'm trying to say is (corr.), please, is that you have such a sensitivity to being judged, that I think you (corr.) of all people should know how terrible it makes me feel when you judge me, and call me a control freak or say I have issues. JD: I didn't call you a control freak, I said you have control issues. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: You want to control things, you want to control everything. This is not new information for you (corr.), Amber, come on. AH: So this is something. I just wanna point out that you - I just wanna point out that you don't - you have a (corr.) real problem with being called names or - or being judged. So you of all people should know how terrible it makes me feel, how you're doing that to me right now. JD: Talk to anyone, Amber, come on. AH: I do. I speak to a lot of people. You're the only one telling me that I have control issues right now, and (corr.) that- you're the person I'm speaking to now. That's (corr.) why I'm telling you how what you're saying makes me feel. Other people aren't helping you right now. JD: I'm sorry, I'm sorry that it makes you feel- AH: You don't like being judged, and you're asking me not to judge you, I mean with the thinnest sensitivit-, thinnest skin, most sensitivity of anybody I've ever met in my whole life. And yet you sit here and hurl judgements towards me about my issues because I asked you if you were gonna make this a priority. JD: You have control issues, Amber. AH: Again, you're (corr.) just repeating the thing that I'm telling you is making me-- JD: (corr.) But you do know that. You are aware of that. AH: Again, you're repeating the thing that I'm telling you is making me feel bad. So you repeating it- JD: It's not news to you. You're not gonna pretend like this has never come up in your life before. AH: (corr.) Again, you are just reiterating the thing (corr.) that I'm telli- I'm not arguing with you (corr.), am I? I'm telling you (corr.) what you're saying (corr.) to me is bad. It makes me feel bad, and you of all people should know - JD: Okay, what you're saying to me feels bad. AH: What, by telling you that you're hurting me? No doubt. JD: No, earlier. AH: That's all I (corr.)'m tell-, all I asked you is if you're gonna make it a priority, and that is giving you (corr.) fu- a license to sit here and hurl insults at me. JD: You didn't ask me if I gonna make it a priority. AH: I did. JD: You asked me if it was a priority -- AH: Yes, that's asking you if you're gonna make it one. (corr.) JD: -- to me. (corr.) AH: That's exactly-- JD: (corr.) No, not "if you're gonna make it one." AH: How are they different? (short pause) Exactly! JD: If you have a priority, you have a priority. If you have a priority, you don't have to make it a priority, 'cause it's a priority already. You understand what I'm saying? That's the department of redundancy department. AH: Thank you so much for clarifying that. JD: (corr.) Just thought you should- It's what you asked, isn't it? AH: (corr.) Okay. Thank- Thank you. Now that really clears (corr.) it up. JD: Okay. I'm sorry to upset you by saying (corr.), you know, that you have (corr.) a control issue, but you do. And, yeah, it really fucks with me at times. And I don't want - you know, I most of the time go along with your thing, (corr.) just so that nobody's hassled and there's no weirdness (corr.) and-. But (corr.), you know, sometimes I just can't. I can't do every single thing you want me to do at the exact time you want me to do it, you know, and let you know when it's done. I just can't, becau- it's just exhausting, Amber. AH: Oh, I'm so - I'm really sorry I put you through that. I didn't realize that's (corr.) what I was doing today by asking you if it was a priority. JD: No, not just today. It's what you do sometimes. AH: Okay, well, I'm sorry that you go through that, it must feel really terrible. I'm gonna leave now, because it feels really - I mean, it feels really terrible. It feels really terrible to talk to you, recently, alone, and I don't think I deserved it today. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm still sorry, and I'm gonna leave now and I think it would be best if I just had some space and I'll let you have your own space, too. But I feel really terrible talking to you right now. (corr.) (inaudible, sounds like "Shouldn't it be-") And if you have anger issues about me, and (corr.) that accrued over the years (corr.) are coming (corr.) out, (corr.) sorry. But I don't think I deserve this. And you insulting me when I'm telling you repeatedly it hurts me, what you're saying, and then that you feel the impulse to just repeat it over and over - that's really sad. It shows me who you are. And you don't like being judged, and you are very sensitive to it, so you of all people should know how terrible you made me feel today. JD: I'm sorry. AH: Me too. (note: Amber then walks away and at 00:56:48 you can hear something that sounds like "Do you, uh-", I'm assuming that's Amber and it's not coming from the tv.) [TV, now another crime documentary, continues in the background until AH returns at 1:02.] (note: no talking from 00:56:49 to 01:02:04) AH: You don't have any Propranolol, do you? JD: No, I don't use it. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "You don't ever have any when I need it?", but there's no way this is what Amber asked, especially not with how JD responded. His answer wouldn't make sense in response to that. To me it sounds kinda like she's asking "Do you ever have any Gabapentin meds?") JD: No, not really. Gabapentin is neurontin, you know? Or is that the same as -? AH: I'm sorry? JD: I always get Gabapentin mixed up thinking that that's Propranolol. But I don't know. AH: I have one left, so if there's somewhere that you think you might have it (corr.) (inaudible, possibly "I would"?) - (note: I'm not sure if she actually says "you" between "think" and "might") JD: You only have one? AH: Yeah, I only have one. JD: Let's call in a prescription. AH: I'm gonna call Erin now. JD: Yeah, she (corr.) should just (corr.) - or bring some to you or whatever, but I can definitely call in a prescription (corr.), you know? AH: Yeah, I'm (corr.) gonna call Erin. (note: short pause) Can I- Can I have this neurontin? JD: Yes, absolutely. (note: when JD says this, I think Amber says something in the background that's inaudible to me, unless it's coming from the tv) AH: Let me know when it's cool to come home. I mean, when it's cool for me to come home. JD: When I'm going, you mean? AH: Yeah. JD: Oh, I'll be leaving in (corr.) like fifteen, twenty minutes. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: You don't have to leave on my account, 'cause I can get out of here earlier. AH: (corr.) Earlier? No, that's okay, I'll get some air, I'm gonna hang out with iO, and, you know, get some air (corr.) (inaudible). JD: Okay. (corr.) I'll, I'll be (corr.) gone in an half hour, no later. AH: Okay. I'm sorry (corr.) that if-. JD: Me too. AH: I'm sorry. (corr.) I just [inaudible] (note: something like "figured you'd come home"?. (corr.) I'm sorry. (corr.) JD: Hmm? (corr.) AH: I'm sorry. JD: For what? AH: That I asked you to come home and it didn't work. (corr.) (inaudible) felt- I feel really sad that this is happening. JD: I do too. I do too. (note: short pause) I don't - (note: short pause) I didn't want it to turn into anything, when I was trying to say that, you know, just let me deal with it and you'll see that I - if it's a priority to me, you know? I really didn't mean - AH: I didn't get upset. JD: (corr.) Even that, I was (corr.) trying to - it was almost like it was - (note: I'm not entirely sure about the "even that") AH: I didn't get upset. What upset me was the things you were saying afterward and how you said (corr.) that -- (corr.) JD: No, you got-- AH: -- and the fact that it was such an issue for you. JD: (corr.) You did get upset. AH: When I asked you that question, which seems like such a fair question for someone to be able to ask. And I have to ask myself, (corr.) do I wanna live in a relationship where that question means what it did? It should be okay to ask that question of your spouse, without judgement, which is judgement I got. JD: I (corr.) would say no- I would say n-- AH: I got judgement and hatred for it. And I don't wanna live in that (note: "that" or "a"?) relationship where I can't even ask a normal question. That's off-limits. JD: Well, (corr.) you're not in a normal relationship, so that's the problem. AH: Yes. Maybe. Maybe. JD: No, what I'm saying is, it's not a normal relationship. You are not a normal person. I am not a normal person. We do not - we do not - ordinarily it would be a totally sort of, like, nothing of a question or - but, because of what's underneath it, the subtext of it, you know, it becomes - it becomes a problem. And just like I - (corr.) AH: (inaudible, kinda sounds like "What a shame, what a shame", but I'm not sure) JD: -- just like me saying (corr.), you know, to you (corr.) that I, you know, look man - AH: Calling someone, saying over and over-- (corr.) JD: What? AH: -- giving, judging someone (corr.) and throwing and hurling those judgements and criticisms at them? JD: What if a doctor tells you that? Are they judging you? I'm not judging you. AH: No offence, (corr.) you're not a doctor. (note: "no offence" is inaudible to me, part of it sounds like "context" to me) JD: No, I'm your fucking partner, I'm your husband. (corr.) AH: That's exactly-- JD: I (corr.) don't say that shit to hurt you, I (corr.) say it to fucking help you. (note: there's something he says between the 2nd "I" and "say", but I can't figure it out) AH: But did it look like it was helping? Did it help? And if anybody - anybody - I don't care if (corr.) you're a schoolteacher, if you're a kid - if anyone says you're hurting me with what you're doing, your job is to stop doing that, as a person, as a human being. I don't care who you are. JD: Well, (corr.) then you (corr.) really better take that one into your fucking life. That one. AH: (corr.) You're right, this is my issue. JD: Because when I ask you to stop,-- AH: You're right. JD: -- you don't. AH: This is clearly - (corr.) You're right. So then you had permission to do what you did, therefore you're not accountable. JD: I don't have permission to do anything like that. (corr.) I don't know what- AH: Because I've done something before, therefore you're free of blame. See (corr.) how you deflect responsibility? JD: No, that's the pot calling the kettle black. AH: You were told - see what you're doing? - you were told repeatedly "You're hurting me, that hurts, please." It's not your place to help me in that way. And even if it were, if I did that to you - JD: It's not my place to help you in that way? It's not my place as your husband? So then it's not your place - AH: Was it (corr.) helpful? Was it helpful? Did it help? Did it look like it was helping things? Did it help? Were you helping me? Did it? JD: Do you think a lie would work better? AH: Did it help me? JD: You prefer a lie? AH: Did it help me? JD: I don't know. AH: Did it look like it was helping the situation? JD: You don't have to ask me redundant questions, thank you. I know the answer to that. And so do you, so let's not waste either one's air. AH: I don't feel - I don't feel like being in that and being called names anymore. JD: Okay, good. (corr.) AH: And talking to you-- (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: So if I cannot talk to you without being called names or take criticisms or "help" from you in that way by throwing judgements -- (corr.) JD: What names? AH: -- (corr.) at me, hurling judgments at me. (note: "So if I cannot talk to you without being" is inaudible to me, the "talk to you" may be the "and talking to you" from above) JD: What names were you called? AH: If I have to get that every time I talk to you,-- (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: -- then I don't wanna talk to you (corr.) anymore. You are losing me, Johnny. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: If it's not that already, you're losing me. (corr.) You are losing me. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: You're killing (corr.) my love for you. And I have to at this point, with how much you have hurt me, and I'm telling you you're hurting me, and you feel it necessary for you, because you're so right and clear in your judgements and you're so helpful in your criticisms that you need to repeat it over and over again, knowing it's hurting someone- JD: I didn't use it as a weapon. AH: Replay (corr.) it. (corr.) Okay, then ask somebody (corr.) that- I hope you have all of that on tape, because you should really (corr.) play that- JD: I do (corr.) have. AH: Please, play it for someone and you ask them, if that was the right thing to do. JD: I will. AH: But (corr.) know, it doesn't matter anymore because - if you don't know that, if you don't know right from wrong, if you don't know that that was not okay, or that it just simply is a problem, if that's what (note: I'm unsure about the "what", kinda sounds more like "when" or "one", though "what" certainly makes more sense) you feel (corr.) like necessary to do - that's why it's probably gone. (corr.) Or it's- JD: (01:10:00) Well, if it's happening and it continues to happen, then you think it's probably gone, so - AH: I'm just saying, you're losing me. JD: You're losing-- (corr.). (note: I'm not sure about the "you're", to me it sounds like "well", but could be "you're") AH: And if you continue to behave this way (corr.) I- JD: You lost me. I came back. (corr.) AH: Why do you- (corr.) JD: You lost me. AH: Then why are you here? Why did you come back? JD: Because I love you. AH: That's not having lost someone. JD: And you can't just arbitrarily-- (corr.) AH: Okay, but (inaudible), you're right (inaudible). JD: -- change the rules to suit your mood, by the way. AH: Then I lost you, if you wanna word it that way, (corr.) okay, fine. Let's call it a loss. (note: "it a loss" is inaudible to me) JD: Are you kidding? AH: (corr.) You- no, you did, I lost you (corr.). If that's (corr.) what you wanna call it, (corr.) fine, okay. I don't care (corr.) who wins. I don't care. JD: Well, nobody wins. AH: I don't care who lost who. I don't. You can be right, you can be the one that, like, I lost, okay, that's fine. It's fine, alright? JD: Okay. AH: I would love if you would just give me the space for a few days and -- JD: (corr.) You got it. AH: -- figure out my - it will take (corr.) me a while, you know Rock and Josh are looking for a place, and I'll, like, go in with them on something, (corr.) you know, but that might take a minute and (corr.) uhm, [inaudible] (corr.) okay. (note: I don't normally add missing "uhm"s as a correction, but since this one is part of the transcript's "inaudible", I just wanted to make it clear that the "uhm" isn't what's inaudible) (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: Let's separate and [inaudible]. JD: Let's do what? "Separate and...?" (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: I can't hear you, please. (corr.) AH: I-I-I- JD: "Separate and...?" AH: I don't- I don't know. I don't know. Stop jumping at me, please. JD: I'm just asking (corr.) a question, what was the other word? I wanna know what I'm agreeing to. AH: (corr.) Okay, oh, no, I don't know, I just- it's not important. JD: It's not important? AH: I don't know what I said. (corr.) JD: Okay. Alright. AH: I think I was -- (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: -- scrambling for words, you know? (corr.) I think. JD: Okay. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) I'm sorry. JD: Me too. (note: short pause) I'll give you space, I'll - AH: We don't have to do anything officially, but we can. I don't really care. Whatever you need, whatever you need. And I'm sorry if this comes at this time with your mom. I really truly don't know if it's about that and you need something else from me, if that's (corr.) what's really-- why (corr.) it's been so terrible, why you've been so - why you've been so rough with me, critical with me, critical of me, (corr.) and judgemental of me. I don't know if it's about your mom taking out. I don't know. If it is that, I wish you would tell me in some way, so I knew to just pace, you know? But if it really isn't about your mom at all - JD: I'm sorry that you're miserable, and I'm sorry that I make you miserable. I really am. AH: Me too. JD: I really am. And- AH: I never expected this from you. I feel really shocked that it's become this, where you feel so terrible (corr.) talking to you, where you feel so mean to me, and critical, and judgemental, and hateful of me. I have made you hate me, clearly, and I don't know why you torture both of us by perpetuating it, if- If you have such hatred for me (corr.) or what, I don't know if I'm your scapegoat, if it's your mom, I really don't know. I wanna be here for you, but you're torturing me. And I should be okay to ask you if you're coming to the thing, or if you're (corr.) (inaudible) - it's (note: "it's" or "that's"?) really not a big offence, it's not, and it doesn't deserve this. And I know better than that. (corr.) I know better than that. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: I know, I know, that what I was sold in you was not that man. It's abusive, it's mean, to sit here and hurl insults or judgements at me, when repeatedly I'm telling you it's hurting me and it doesn't matter to you, it's out of context. You're not my therapist, you're not (corr.) a doctor, you're not even normal. You're a legit crazy person, self-admitted, and you're gonna call me names or say I have issues. Why? JD: 'Cause I'd like -- (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: -- them to go away so they don't hurt us. AH: What good is it going to do to call someone - call a judgement? JD: I didn't call you a name. AH: (corr.) How are you to judge me? Who are you to judge me, especially when you hate judgement so much yourself? JD: It's not a judgement, by the way. AH: It is a judgement. JD: No, it's not a judgement. It's an observation of something that I've lived with for four years. AH: Okay. JD: It's an observation, man. AH: You're right. You have every right to bring it up at the time the way you did. You were great (corr.) and you did everything right. It's me that has a problem. JD: I would like (corr.) for you to not have that control issue so heavily -- (corr.) AH: It's me that has the problem. JD: -- and used against me. I'd really appreciate it. AH: It's me that has a problem (corr.) then, 'cause what you did is totally totally fine, for you. I'm the one who has a problem with what just happened. (note: "happened" is inaudible to me) I'm the one that's hurt. I'm the one that has a problem. It is my fault (corr.) and my problem. You're right, okay? Alright, you win. You're right. You're right. I'm the one who feels uncomfortable when I tell someone over and over again, that what they're doing is not helpful, not constructive, not appropriate, not necessarily even fair, nor is it helping, and it is in fact hurting me. And I tell you repeatedly, and you feel like you're in a place to do that, and judge me and ignore every time I tell you it hurts me? JD: I'm not judging you. AH: Then (note: "Then" or "And"?) you think I'm the one who has a problem? Okay, yeah, you're right. It is my problem, (corr.) it is my problem. I guess I don't like that (corr.) sort of judgement (corr.) (inaudible, maybe "like that"). JD: Nobody does, I guess (corr), yeah. If you think that that's judgement. AH: You would (corr.)n't have thought it was judgement, (corr.) I'm sure you would have been immune to it. JD: Well you can freely, you know, sort of prescribe your names (corr.) upon me (corr.) any time you want. And all my weaknesses and all my -- AH: I didn't. That's what's ironic. JD: -- shortcomings and (corr.) all my this and-- AH: (corr.) You did it to me, you did it to me. JD: Okay (corr.), good. Okay. (corr.) AH: "Shortcomings", that's you giving that to me. That's what you did. (inaudible, maybe something with "aware"?) JD: We didn't just meet today, Amber. Come on. AH: I guess I'm just talking about today, excuse me. JD: Okay, let's just - let's cut this short so we don't just continue (corr.) and hurting- (corr.) hurt each other, please. AH: I'm not actually participating in (corr.) the way (corr.) you are, sorry. But it would feel terrible to you, if I sat here and tried to help you by telling you what I suffer from. JD: Please, you've - we've been through that a whole lot. I've listened to a lot of your - AH: Not today. JD: Not this morning, and not this afternoon, no. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: No. But I've certainly accumulated a lot. AH: So now you're justified in doing what you did? (note: I think after that she says "I'm sure"?) JD: Well. AH: We're only talking about today. 'Cause I can only mean what I say, when I say I'm gonna try and change X, Y, and Z thing, (corr.) or I'm gonna work on blah blah blah, (corr.) I can only do those things. And since I have been doing those things- JD: What things have you been doing? AH: Working on those things (corr.) and not doing certain things, and trying to change certain things. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: Hence the last several times we've (corr.) (inaudible)- JD: Hence screaming when I spilt wine accidentally on you, falling asleep? And screaming in front of my kids and freaking Jack out? And that's trying? AH: I would appreciate - yeah, you're right, you're right, Johnny. JD: That fucked him up, you know? AH: I'm sorry I fucked your son up. JD: No, it weirded him out. He'd never- AH: I'm so sorry I fucked your kids up. JD: You didn't fuck my kids up, but-- AH: I'm so sorry. JD: -- it was pretty fucking weird for him, you know? AH: 'Cause I jumped up and screamed 'cause I had wine (corr.) (inaudible)? (note: for the "inaudible" part, the transcript says "on my face", I can't tell what she's saying, but it's not that) You're right, I (corr.)'m, uhm, surprised (corr.) he's, uh- Send me the bill for the counselling. I'm sure that's terrifying. JD: I don't need your-- (corr.) AH: No, you're right, poor kid. JD: -- clever-- AH: You're gonna use corr.) them against me (corr.) again. (note: the "you're gonna" is inaudible to me, but I would assume it's either that or something along those lines) JD: -- comebacks. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: No. You think you're controlling yourself? AH: Your character is - JD: You think you're controlling yourself? AH: Your character has become so clear, especially when you use them. It's embarrassing for you. I'm gonna walk away now, because you're actually making it - making me seem even worse. And believe you me, I'm not gonna be calling you at 3 o'clock in the morning after I have (corr.) an Ambien, and think "oh, no, I'll just fucking forgive (corr.) and move on." Trust me, it is gross (corr.) how you're using your kids. I have done nothing but be there for them, in a good way, and if you take that for granted, fine. Fine. You're right. You need a woman who (corr.) would not jump up and scream if she had been spilled on three times in a row. And I hope, (corr.) I hope you're happy with whoever that is, 'cause that would be a special kind of fucking person, (corr.) no doubt. (01:20:00) (note: short pause) Sorry, (corr.) (inaudible), really. (note: transcript says "I didn't mean it that way", but other than potentially "way" I'm not hearing that at all, can't even say for sure that she said "I didn't", and what she says is also shorter than what was transcribed) It's not worth it for me. (corr.) I'm sorry, you're not worth it. (corr.) I don't-, I don't think (corr.) I can love you anymore. JD: Okay. AH: Please let me know when you're out. [AH walks away. No talking until 1:24.] (note: no talking from 01:20:21 to 01:24:17) AH: Just tell me, is it about your mom? Is there something I'm missing that I should know? JD: No. I don't know what it's about. It's - I don't know. (corr.) (inaudible) AH: It's not that? It's not something I'm missing, like, I should be more understanding as a human (corr.)- I mean as a wife (corr.) that you're going through (corr.) that? Are you going through something right now? Is that it? Or is that not at all it? 'Cause I don't know if I'm being shitty, (corr.) and not being and just taking it? (corr.) Do you know what I mean? JD: I - of course I'm going through a lot with my mom. And I - of course I'm feeling a lot of things regarding my mom's health and the family situation and all that. And of course feeling all this stuff and I'm going through stuff (corr.) with it, and I don't voice it a lot. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: But of course I am. But I - AH: Okay. Okay. JD: --um - AH: I'll try to be more understanding, okay? JD: Okay, thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry I don't - AH: (corr.) It is coming out (inaudible, kinda sounds like "in your") ways, you know?, it's hard to tell. JD: I'm not using that as my excuse for what we spoke about earlier. That's not what I'm saying. (corr.) I'm saying, that is all flowing through my veins every day. AH: Okay. JD: At all - at every moment, so-- AH: Okay. JD: -- if it affects the way that I'm dealing with you and it's uncomfortable, you know, I'm sorry. AH: I (corr.) just need to know that that's a factor and all (corr.) of it is because (note: short pause) I'm trying, and I will try to be more understanding. But (corr.) if some shit (inaudible) be, you know, unacceptable (corr.), whatever. (note: transcript says "But there is some shit that's always gonna be", which does make sense, but I'm just not hearing it.) But I'm going to try. You can (corr.) of course do whatever (note: not sure if "whatever" or "what") you want. But I would feel really guilty if I'm not there for you when you need, and you just don't know how to say that is a part of this. I don't - I didn't know if it - I don't know. If I were you I'd probably be freaking out too, but, you know, if I did weird things that made you feel less than loved all the time, every time we spoke, (corr.) (inaudible), (corr.) I was impatient and tyrannical and judgemental of you, I would, every single time, you would go crazy at some point, too. JD: Mm-hm. (corr.) But maybe I have gone crazy a little bit. AH: No, I'm saying that's why maybe - look, I'm trying-- (corr.) JD: I know. Okay. AH: -- to do the right thing and I don't-- JD: Thank you. AH: -- know how, exactly. 'Cause I feel (corr.), you know, I feel so unfair and hurt by it. But I'm trying. Also (corr.) know- I know, that if my mom were laid up in (corr.) the hospital, I'd be - I'd be a different person, too. And I'm sorry that I didn't - and I'm sorry I forget or allow myself to not remember it (corr.), okay? JD: Thank you. I'm sorry for saying things that hurt you. I'm sorry for just having such a negative - adding (corr.) a negative space around you, you know? I'm sorry that (corr.)'s what- that's what I do to you. AH: Yeah. (note: I'm not sure about the "yeah") Thank you for saying that. Thank you for acting like you care about me. JD: I do care about you. I care about you very much, and you know that, and I - (note: no talking for 15 seconds (from 01:29:30 to 01:29:45) AH: Well, I'm here for you, (corr.) (inaudible, transcript says "if you want", to me it sounds more like "I am, if you, uhm", but I can't say for sure). I'm not gonna kick you out of your own home, okay? It's (note: "it's" is inaudible to me) just know that it's here, please tell me (corr.), you know? (01:30:00) But (note: doesn't sound like "But" to me, but can't tell what she says), of course, out of respect, I'll tell you if I'm not gonna come home, and you tell me. JD: Yeah. AH: (corr.) And I'm not kicking you out or asking you not to come here, okay? JD: Okay. AH: (corr.) I am your wife, still, and I'm here for you (corr.) if you need me, while your mom is going through these things, and you're going through these things, I will be - I will try very hard to keep that in mind when I - when I am just (note: not sure about the "just", I feel like she says "when I'm res- reacting"?) reacting to what I would otherwise feel is an active attempt to - to make me (corr.) stop loving you. And what I - if I didn't know better, I would think that that's what you were intending to do, recently. And out of (corr.) preservation or something, I've gotta, like, keep myself alive by protecting myself a little. And if that means assuming that I'm only having one foot out of this and (corr.) having one foot in, (corr.) then it hurts both of us. But your mom is dying, so I don't know - I don't know if you're intending to ruin the marriage or not, you know? Maybe you want out, because you don't like me anymore, which is what it sounds like. And if your mom weren't dying, I would walk away knowing that I was just not - you didn't like me enough anymore. But I can't leave you. You know, I wouldn't wanna be left, no matter what my behaviour, if my mom was in hospital or my dad. JD: Don't stay with me for that, please. AH: I love you, that's why I'm with you. I'm saying, by not interpreting the signs that tell me, glaringly, that you don't wanna be with me anymore. Dislike, resentment, bitterness that you've accrued over the years, I don't know. Everything tells me that those are the things (corr.) that you feel for me. And I have every conversation we've had recently (corr.) perhaps (?) to justify feeling that you are trying to make me walk or run. But if you're not, then please, do better, try a little bit, do a better job of sticking up for this marriage, or (corr.) fighting or doing the right thing (corr.) or trying. 'Cause that's pushing me away real fast, real hard. [No talking for nearly a minute.] (from 01:33:19 to 01:34:10 JD: Thank you (corr.) for- Thank you for saying all that, all, you know. Thank you for s- your kindness. And I'm sorry that I fuck you up, I'm sorry. (note: short pause) We fuck each other up. (note: no talking for 14 seconds, from 01:34:41 to 01:34:55) JD: Do you want something to drink? Water? AH: What? JD: (corr.) More water? AH: Yeah, (corr.) I'm just a little. (corr.) (inaudible, sounds a bit like "Yeah, I will get it."? (corr.) I'm just a little (corr.) dizzy. JD: (corr.) Why don't you come sit down here? (corr.) And just- just get (corr.) in a chair, on the couch (corr.), whatever. Here. (note: no talking for 19 seconds, from 01:35:17 to 01:35:36) JD: There's just (corr.) teas, unless you wanna (inaudible) water. (corr.) AH: No, that's alright. (corr.) JD: Thank you. (?) (T)Here you go. (inaudible) [The sound of the fridge and a bottle or can opening.] (note: no talking for 16 seconds, from 01:35:50 to 01:36:06) AH: Let me just get a (corr.) - in my (inaudible) in my bathroom, I think I have a, like a Propranolol or- JD: (corr.) You think you got one? I thought you said you had one? AH: I just took my last one 30 minutes ago and (corr.) it ain't doing shit. (corr.) Uhm, so, uhm- [No talking for the remaining 11 minutes.] (note: from 01:36:28 to 01:47:52)

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February 09, 2016
Tuesday

times based on metadata2go (20:43:50 (UTC+0), 00:06:24 pm (UTC+0)) and the portions of the recording

beginning of full recording: 12:43:50 pm (UTC-8)
ending of full recording: 04:06:24 pm (UTC-8)

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-02-09 12:50:59 pm (UTC-8) to 12:51:09 pm (UTC-8)		00:07:09 - 00:07:19	m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt396A --------------- "you're a cunt"
2016-02-09 01:03:54 pm (UTC-8) to 01:04:13 pm (UTC-8)		00:20:04 - 00:20:23	m4a mp3	see above	Plt396A --------------- vomiting
2016-02-09 03:27:50 pm (UTC-8) to 03:28:06 pm (UTC-8)		02:44:00 - 02:44:16	m4a mp3	see above	Plt396B --------------- "this is not helping, you stupid fuck"
2016-02-09 03:32:20 pm (UTC-8) to 03:32:45 pm (UTC-8)		02:49:30 - 02:49:55	m4a mp3	see above	Plt396B --------------- "I'll talk to you later"

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

Plt396A: AH: You're okay right now? JD: I'm not. You're a cunt. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you and I want out. Fuck this. Goodbye, cunt. [13 minutes later:] JD vomits. Plt396B: [2 hours later:] (note: closer to 2 1/2 hours) (corr.) AH: Please. JD: Please what? [inaudible] JD: No. This is your last [inaudible]. This is your last [inaudible]. This is your last [inaudible]. This is your last [inaudible]. (note: I'm not sure about the 1st, 2nd and 4th "your last"s and I also hear two "last week"s) AH: You know what? I'm not the one who's acting selfishly! I'm trying to help us! JD: This is not helping, you stupid fuck! This is not helping! [5 minutes later:] AH: [inaudible] (note: at one point I hear JD say "and I said" and "I don't want") JD: I don't fucking care! (corr.) You shut up with that. AH: You shut up. [inaudible, allegedly "Get off me."] (note: I hear a "memory is", "stop" and "off me". It doesn't sound like "get" to me, not due to bias, but because it genuinely doesn't sound like that to me, to me it sounds like "take off me", which doesn't make sense, and she says more after the "me", but too difficult to understand.) JD: Impossible, I'll talk to you later. AH: [inaudible] JD: I'll talk to you later, talk to you later.

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February 10, 2016
Wednesday

time based on metadata2go (10:26:50 am (UTC+0))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-02-10 02:26:50 am (UTC-8)			m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt397 --------------- JD sleepy, AH asks for an Uber, "love me back", JD plays guitar, "suck your dick" back and forth, "Aquamaaaan"

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(note: I added timestamps every 10 minutes) JD: There's gotta be some fucking way. (corr.) To happi... (note: I assume he was gonna say "happiness") There's gotta be some way that you're not miserable. There's gotta be some way that I'm not miserable. There's gotta be some way that the sarcasm, and the condescension and all that stuff, go away, on both parts. There's got be some understanding, there's gotta be some liking. And that's the problem. You don't fucking like me, man. You don't trust me as far as you can throw me. Our relationship has changed- AH: You're a man who takes off every time he gets mad. What (corr.) isn't there to trust? JD: I think you took off too. I- AH: Who, me? Where did I go? JD: I don't wanna do this anymore. AH: Here. JD: I don't wanna do this anymore. AH: Convenient. JD: I don't wanna do this anymore. AH: That's marriage for you. That's commitment. JD: Well, no - AH: What's not to trust? What's not to trust? JD: I've experienced you. AH: No, you're right, it's someone else's fault. JD: No, it's my fault for not being able to deal. AH: No, it's not. JD: And it's your fault for not being able to deal. AH: You're right. JD: It is. It is right and you should - AH: (corr.) It's so... I'm so sorry that you've been pushed to this point, that all you have to do is run away to one of your other houses. JD: To do what? AH: Run away to one of your other houses, every time there's a fight. Hmm. JD: Uh, let's see: I was thrown out today, and then I was asked to leave tonight. AH: Oh, you were thrown out, I'm sure that was terrible on you. You're just- JD: I don't want your tricks. I don't want your games. You're too fucking young for me. You've gotta go get something that will just follow every order to the T, so you can get real sick of him. AH: Yeah? JD: And then go fuck a girl. AH: Oh, okay, you got me (corr.) figured out. JD: (corr.) And just maybe, maybe I was wrong, fucking eh, you know. AH: You got me figured out. JD: Maybe, maybe you - maybe that's it. AH: No, you're right, you're proving to me that I didn't - everything (corr.) that I thought about you was wrong. That's what you're proving right now. JD: Well, and everything I thought about you is wrong. AH: That's what you're telling me? JD: Yes, so... AH: Okay. JD: ... what's the point? AH: I don't know. You tell me. JD: So, the choice is this- AH: Really, you're the one who's so clever, you tell me. JD: The choice is this- AH: What's our choices? Go on, tell me. JD: As far as I can see- AH: What? Nothing? JD: No, I'm not talking to you when you're in that fucking - You want me to talk nice - AH: Talk to me some other time. JD: (corr.) Okay, I'll talk to you some other time. AH: Maybe go to some other house. JD: Huh? AH: Go to the next house. Let's play Ring Around the Rosie. JD: Rosie. AH: Ok. Pocket full of rosies, then. How about that? Oh yeah... JD: Ring a rosie... AH: I'm so confused. JD: ... pocket full of posies- AH: I'm so confused. (corr.) If only I could... If only I could go the distance. (note: the "go" is inaudible to me and I can't tell if she says "distance" or "distant") JD: Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. AH: I know. JD: I don't need this, I don't need this. Call iO. (corr.) I'll call. AH: No. I'm not gonna fuck iO. (note: this is completely inaudible to me) JD: What's iO's real name, iO? AH: It's iO. JD: (corr.) i-Ho. AH: (corr.) Yeah, that's it. (note: no talking from 00:03:04 to 00:03:22, right after the audio weirdly cuts out completely) (corr.:) JD: (inaudible) Sure. [No talking for about 1 1/2 minutes.] (note: from 00:03:26 to 00:04:45) JD: (corr.) I'm tired. Because at the end - at the end of the thing we're bringing (note: I think he says "we bring in"?), (corr.) I don't know... it's gonna be a fucking madness. And no one really knew what to do or how to deal, so, I don't think we can fix it. (note: sounds lkike "I have to make a fix." to me, but I'm not sure) AH: No, leave it. You've just been playing Nintendo (corr.) (inaudible, sounds like "on spot"?). (corr.) Your phone, it's been... your thumbs have been like this. JD: No, I didn't (corr.) (inaudible). AH: No, trust me, I've been watching you. Your thumbs have been like this. JD: Did I turn it off more than once? AH: Off, on, off, on, and then it kept popping up with this, like, white message (corr.) and you'd do this on your phone (corr.) like this. Your thumbs (corr.) were moving like (corr.) - JD: Yeah, I'm trying to play [inaudible]. AH: No, no, no, you were sound asleep when you were doing this. (corr.) JD: I don't know. AH: (corr.) Oh well, I'm sure (corr.) it's fine. Not worth it. JD: Hmm? AH: Not worth it. Do you need your glasses, huh? JD: Yeah, I wanna look at the phone, yeah? AH: Do you need to look at your phone? (corr.) JD: Hmm? (corr.) AH: Do you need to look at your phone? JD: It just basically has our recordings. AH: Yeah, but it can record, right, without you looking at it? So I can, like, look at your eyeballs? JD: Yeah, but I think... (corr.) AH: You don't have to stop it. JD: ... I think we should reserve a couple more moments where- (note: not sure about "reserver") AH: I think you should just leave it recording, and then just, like, maybe, (corr.) pick up your eyeglasses for a minute so I can, like, see your eyeballs once in a while when I'm speaking to you. (note: original transcript says "take off" instead of "pick up", which makes more sense to me, but I'm sure she says "pick up") JD: You know what? AH: Pardon? JD: Why are we pretending? AH: Who's pretending? JD: You've grown to dislike me. AH: Um, I came over here, didn't I? JD: Yes, to get your shit. AH: Yeah, but also to see you. So can you remove your Ray Charles sunglasses, so you can look at me? [JD takes off his glasses.] AH: Thank you. Thank you. JD: You know, the idea of the whole Grammy thing, it should be fun. AH: I'm not talking about the Grammys. JD: What are you talking about? AH: I'm talking to you. JD: About? AH: Seeing your eyeballs. JD: I mean, before that. AH: I think you should - I think you're dreaming a little bit. JD: (corr.) And (?) what? AH: No one's talking about the Grammys, (corr.) hon. JD: Hmm? AH: No one's talking about the Grammys. JD: Oh, (corr.) then I'm really a loser. AH: No, you're not a loser, you're just asleep, or sleepy. JD: Asleep? AH: Sleepy. JD: "Play" is right here? (note: inaudible to me) AH: [inaudible] (note: something like "just do the 'close'"?) Hey (note: sounds more like a quick "Here you go" to me), let it play. JD: Let it play right here? AH: No, let it go. It's doing it. JD: Oh. AH: I love you, and I don't wanna fight with you. I am just like you. I am not gonna live a life, or a relationship, where every time we fight you leave home. So, I made one last-ditch effort. JD: (corr.) Okay. AH: To fix the curse. But it takes - it's gonna take hard work. It's gonna take more than this fight. JD: No, not any more. (note: sounds more like "Or we will learn more." to me) AH: (corr.) Yeah, but it's gonna take more (corr.) than... JD: Yeah, we've arrived at somewhere- AH: It's gonna take more (corr.) of us just bailing every time we talk. And that's me, me too. Okay? So, either you come home 'cause you wanna be home, or you wanna just split up, 'cause you wanna split up. But it's okay. I just - I'm not gonna live my life where I'm separated from my husband more than half the time, because every time we fight, hey, you go into a different home and run away. You awake? JD: Mmm. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) AH: That was set up to be a very nice experience (corr.) and it wasn't so bad. It was just small and weird. AH: (00:10:00) Okay, well, judge me all you want. At least I'm making the effort, (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "as a man", but there's no way she said that, can't tell what she did say, though... to me it sounds like "as of men", which makes no sense, either), to save what I claim to care about. (corr.) That's more than you can say. Keep running away from it all you want, you're not gonna find better. JD: You will. AH: I should. Doesn't mean I don't love you. JD: Huh? AH: Doesn't mean I'm not gonna call you. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. (note: partially inaudible to me) JD: I can't hear you. AH: (corr.) And I didn't love you. (note: just to be clear, "and" as in "it also doesn't mean") JD: And you didn't love me? What? I can't hear a word here (note: "a word" is inaudible to me), I lost a fucking ear. Can you repeat the question? AH: What are you talking about? I need to pee, sorry. (note: mostly inaudible to me, I think there's also a "think about it" in there) [Door closes, presumably AH leaving the room or house. No talking for 2 minutes. Door opens and AH's footsteps return.] (no talking from 00:11:05 to 00:13:08) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (corr.) JD: Okay. (note: short pause) I understand. AH: Still awake there? (note: inaudible to me) JD: Huh? AH: I thought you were asleep. (note: inaudible to me) JD: (corr.) Do you mind if I walk you out? Do you have a car? (note: "do you have" is inaudible to me, sounds more like something along the lines of "leaving the car?", "leave in a car?" etc.) (corr.) AH: Yes. [Footsteps as they both walk somewhere.] (note: no talking for 29 seconds, from 00:14:05 to 00:14:34) AH: You can call me an Uber, please. I lost my phone. Not your security - I don't wanna ride with Travis, sorry. JD: You don't wanna (corr.) ride with Travis? AH: Nope. JD: You hardly say a word to him. (note: all I can understand is "said a word to him") AH: I'd rather take an Uber. I (corr.) can call myself (corr.) but I don't have my cell phone, so make it hard (corr.) on me and I'll have to go fucking find a phone. So are you gonna do that? (note: "So are you gonna do that?" is inaudible to me) JD: Do you have to jump to those conclusions? And no, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna walk (corr.) out there and I'm gonna get you a fucking Uber. AH: Thank you. JD: Okay. (note: short pause) I think, the only thing is (corr.), like, you know you continue to think fucking just shit things about me. AH: What shit things have I said now? [More footsteps as they both walk somewhere.] (note: no talking from 00:15:22 to 00:16:10) JD: What do you (corr.) want - what do you want, man? Wanna be in love with me? Do you wanna be with me? AH: You don't know? (note: "you don't" is inaudible to me) JD: Really? AH: Yes, obviously I do! JD: Yes, of course. (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "Well maybe I feel something.", to me it sounds like "Well/while you react off something." (note: either no talking from 16:40 to 16:49 or too much noise to hear anything) AH: Love me back. JD: Hmm? AH: Love me back. You know you want to. Love me back. JD: (corr.) Okay. I do- AH: Love me back. JD: I do. (note: to me it sounds like "I will lo-") AH: Love me back! JD: Stop fucking forcing it on your time! AH: (corr.) Love me back. Love me back. (note: the first "love me" is barely audible, but she says it while JD says "on your time") (corr.) JD: Don't. AH: Don't, please, you're gonna make me fall, please. JD: You're not gonna fall. (note: "You're not gonna" is inaudible to me and considering Amber's response, I assume he said "I'm not gonna make you fall") AH: Yes, you are. JD: You have to understand. You have to understand. To love you back- (note: the "to" is inaudible to me) AH: Yes. (note: not sure about that, "yes", "yeah", "yet", I can't tell)(corr.) (inaudible) JD: (corr.) (inaudible) I will not [inaudible] AH: Just call an Uber (corr.) (inaudible, sounds like "and we'll talk later"?). JD: Huh? AH: Just call an Uber. (corr.) (inaudible) I'm gonna go home. (?). You don't (corr.) need your notes. It's called Uber. (corr.) (inaudible) JD: I'm bringing it. AH: Thank you. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: When it's here, I'll be (corr.) out there. It's called Uber, it's four letters. Please go. JD: I've got the four letters. I (note: "I"? "You"?) recognize that. Let's go, Amber. Come on, let's get you out of here, 'cause you're [inaudible]. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) [More footsteps as they continue to walk somewhere.] (no talking from 00:18:14 to 00:18:29) (corr.) JD: (inaudible, maybe "Take care of what you need."?) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (corr.) JD: Yes. (?) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: Goodbye. Are you gonna stay here? AH: [inaudible] JD: What? What do you want? (corr.) You can't just leave. (?) AH: [inaudible] (corr.) JD: Why do you want (inaudible) leave? (?) AH: Would you like me to wait outside? (no talking from 00:18:55 to 00:19:22) JD [on the phone]: (corr.) Is this Vincent? David, hey man, this is Johnny. Listen, I need an Uber sent here please. And I need Travis to, or you (corr.) or whoever can put some dough in the pocket of the Uber car that she can pay it when she gets there. AH: No need. Not needed, thank you. JD: Just give it to the driver. AH: Not needed. JD: Don't listen to the fucking drunk girl. Just listen to the driver. AH: Not needed. Thank you though. JD: To the driver. (note: "To the" is inaudible to me) AH: Not needed. JD: Well you know what, I don't care, let (corr.) him take her to Guatemala. Alright man, just get an Uber here, thanks. (00:20:00) No need to go apeshit, you know that. (note: this is inaudible to me, except for "apeshit" and "that") AH: Why did you do that? (note: not entirely sure here, unless it's a quick "Why'd you do that?") JD: I'm trying to help you, trying to help you, trying to help you. AH: You don't have to do that. (note: all I can hear is "have to do", rest is inaudible to me) JD: You know what, I don't wanna help you anymore. Just fucking -- (corr.) AH: Aww. JD: -- go home, get out of here and just fucking - (note: this is mostly inaudible to me, I can hear "go", "get out" and "fucking", but what's transcribed doesn't fit what I'm hearing AH: I tried. I tried. JD: Oh you really did. You really did, Amber. I give you a little bit of encouragement and you don't even know what the fuck you're doing. note: for me it's "(inaudible) give you a little bit of (inaudible) encouraging/encouragement (inaudible) what the fuck you're doing.") Rocky must have been great. (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: Well, your Uber's on its way. [No talking for 2 minutes. More footsteps as JD continues to walk somewhere. Sound of several doors/gates opening and closing.] (note: no talking from 00:20:37 to 00:22:48) Travis McGivern (TM): Hey, boss. JD: Yeah. Yeah, man. TM: Do you want me to drive her back? (note: "drive" is inaudible to me) JD: Talk to her about it, she doesn't want you to. TM: Okay. JD: So I think it's an Uber -- TM: Okay. JD: -- situation, but we have to give her money, 'cause there's no money, she doesn't have money to pay for (corr.) the thing. TM: Okay. JD: (corr.) So, yeah. (note: short pause) Where is she, outside? TM: I'm not sure. (corr.) JD: No. (corr.) TM: (inaudible) [No talking for 10 minutes. More footsteps, presumably JD walking back inside. JD starts playing guitar. Then AH's footsteps approach.] (note: no talking, (mostly) inaudible talking (at ~00:24:20 (something with "let you know"?) and ~00:25:23) or partially inaudible (00:28:50, see below) from 00:23:33 to 00:32:38) at 00:28:50 - JD starts playing guitar, then: (corr.) TM: Hey boss. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. (corr.) TM: Look, I didn't realize (?) (corr.) JD: Just paying for ten (inaudible), so (inaudible). continuing at 00:32:38: AH: Where (corr.)'s the permit? (note: the "where" is inaudible to me, but based on the responses, she seems to ask for the location) JD: Excuse me? (note: sounds more like "What's that?" to me, not sure) AH: (corr.) For the car? (note: I can't hear "for", but I can hear "the car", so I'm assuming that's what she's asking) JD: It's (corr.) in (?) there, it's in- It's here. AH: Okey-dokey. JD: Okay. AH: Bye. JD: [sighs] (note: no talking from 00:32:47 to 00:33:10) AH: It's not here. It's not here. It's not here. Why would you tell me it was here? (note: this is inaudible to me, the last part sounds like "tell(ing) me to get-" to me) It's not here. JD: Um, because - AH: Why would you tell me it's here, when it's not here? (note: "Why would you" is inaudible to me, "when" sounds like "if" to me) Could you fucking be worse? JD: [inaudible] (note: I don't hear him say anything at all here) AH: Please? Please? (corr.) Thanks. JD: I'll go find out. (note: I'm not sure, but I think he says "it", not "out") AH: Thank you, thank you so much, that means so much (note: unsure about "that means" and to me "so much" sounds like "the best", which, if she did say "that means" doesn't make sense, so I'm not sure what she says, but I don't hear "so much" there). [More footsteps.] (note: no talking from 00:33:39 to 00:33:53) JD: Is the Uber here? (corr.) (inaudible) TM: I'll ask around. (note: I can't tell what he says, but it doesn't sound like that to me JD: [inaudible] (note: sounds like "you know what I mean?" and then something like "She isn't safe"?) (corr.), so she called me a liar. [More footsteps.] (short pause from 00:34:06 to 00:34:13) JD: I'm not sure if you'll believe me, but it'll be coming up the front of the driveway, just outside, the driveway. (note: what I hear: "I'll (inaudible) believe you, but (inaudible) coming in a 2-minute drive (?) (inaudible) just outside (inaudible)", so, yeah, no clue what he actually says) AH: Oh I'm really sorry, thank you so much. JD: Don't. AH: What? JD: [inaudible] AH: What? (corr.) JD: (inaudible) fucking (inaudible) AH: What? Smart ass. JD: [inaudible] AH: What else (corr.) do you have to fucking add (?), you dickhead? What fucking crock of (note: "crocking"?!) bullshit (corr.) do you (corr.) wanna fucking lay out (corr.) on me, you fucking shallow [inaudible] (corr.) you cock (?) (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Keep you warm at night. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: (corr.) That's all you will have (?) JD: (corr.) I'll keep warm. (?) AH: You lonely shallow -- (corr.) JD: You'll keep warm. (?) AH: -- insulting -- JD: Don't bring men into my fucking -- AH: -- fucking cocksucker. JD: -- don't bring men into my place. AH: (corr.) You fucking cock-sucking (corr.) (inaudible) fucking child. (corr.) Don't fucking speak to me again. (?) I came (corr.) over here for fucking nothing (corr.) and I'm embarrassed I did. JD: (corr.) You came over here -- AH: Go fucking suck -- (corr.) JD: You came over-- AH: -- your own dick. JD: Everything's fine until -- (corr.) AH: You hear me? JD: -- it doesn't go your way, --and (corr.) AH: You hear me? JD: -- (corr.) then when it doesn't go your way, I'm in trouble. AH: Suck your own dick. JD: And you know what? AH: Suck -- JD: I don't need you. I don't want your kind of woman. AH: Suck my dick. JD: I don't want your kind of woman. AH: Suck my dick. JD: I don't want your kind of woman. AH: Suck my dick. Hey, guess what? (note: I think she might be saying "'Cause hey"?) JD: I might have. AH: Suck your dick, man. JD: Suck my dick, or yours? AH: Yours. (note: sounds like "yeah" to me) JD: (corr.) I'll find another dick to suck. AH: I'm sure you will. JD: So will you. AH: [inaudible] JD: Huh? What did you say? [inaudible] (note: kinda sounds like "Are you awake?" to me) AH: [inaudible] JD: Huh? AH: Again, it's hard for you to understand. JD: What are you talking about? AH: I said, you wish. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: [inaudible] (note: sounds like "I'm trying to speak to me"?) (corr.) JD: No problem. (corr.) AH: Thank you. (note: short pause from 00:36:25 to 00:36:33) JD: You've had no reason to come over here. (corr.) (inaudible) AH: Yeah, no shit, I made a big mistake. I wish that I fucking hadn't. JD: Oh yeah? (corr.) You -- AH: I wish I fucking hadn't! I wish I fucking hadn't bought into any of your fucking lies, your bullshit, your sober fucking presence, your fucking goodness, your sweetness, all the lies. JD: (corr.) Mm-hm. Yeah. AH: I wish I hadn't bought into the months of you being you. I wish I hadn't bought into the promises. JD: I wish I hadn't bought into (corr.) the months- AH: I wish I hadn't fucking thought I could have kids with you! You're a fucking kid yourself. JD: I wish I hadn't bought- AH: I wish I hadn't bought into any of the lies you sold, talk about fake bill of goods. JD: Go (corr.) let's (?) have some fat baby with a fucking producer who can do (corr.) shit for you! AH: You're the biggest fucking-- (corr.) you're the biggest fucking seller of fake fucking bill of goods. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) (note: kinda sounds like "What are you talking about?") AH: Talk about presenting yourself as something you're not. JD: (corr.) (inaudible) myself as a fake bill of goods? I fucking - (note: transcript says "Presenting myself as a", I hear "I did myself the fake bill of goods.", which doesn't make sense to me, so, I don't know) (corr.) AH: Suck my dick. Suck my dick. JD: (corr.) I fucking- You left nothing and I have left everything, so suck your dick- AH: (corr.) Suck- Suck my dick. Suck my dick. AH: Yeah, go on. JD: -which is probably your next move, 'cause it's what you fucking need. AH: Suck it, suck it. JD: No, I don't wanna suck your dick, I don't want nothing to do with your fucking midsection. AH: Oh? 'Cause I really need something (corr.) (inaudible) (note: for the last part, the transcript says "from you, huh?", I hear "you want", I'm not sure either of the two would make much sense in this context JD: Well, go get it (corr.), man. AH: 'Cause I (corr.) need something (corr.) (inaudible). (note: again, transcript says "from you", I hear "you want", don't know) Go on. (corr.) JD: Huh? AH: Fucking fuck yourself. JD: [inaudible] (note: something like "You don't need me. I-I-I"?) AH: No shit, I don't. Go suck your dick. JD: I don't want to. AH: Try it. It's gonna be the only thing you have. JD: (corr.) No, that's not really true, (corr.) Amber. AH: Actually, it kinda is. JD: It kind of is? AH: Yeah. JD: What, what are you talking about? (corr.) You've been doing some research? AH: (corr.) No, uh, no. What? Hmm? JD: [laughs] Oh, (corr.) is it- what is it? AH: No, I'm sure Rochelle's available. JD: I- I- AH: Call her up. JD: I don't know. AH: I'm sure she's available! [laughs] JD: Maybe she is! AH: [laughs] I'm sure she is. JD: We'll see. AH: I'm sure she is. JD: I'll let you know. AH: Oh, I'm sure she is. (corr.) I'm sure, per her yoga blog. [laughs] JD: That fake laugh, that fake laugh is too much to take. AH: Oh, is she? No, I'm sure she's... JD: That fake laugh. It's so (corr.) disgusting, man. AH: (corr.) I'm sure she's great. I'm sure she's great. JD: I (corr.)'m thinking you've given some of (corr.) the best performances (corr.) in your life, (corr.) a fucking tragedy. AH: No, no, no, you're right, I don't. It's all about (corr.) performing for you. JD: It's all about performance for you. (note: not sure about the beginning and at the end I hear "perfoming to you") Oh Amber, I don't regret. I don't regret. AH: Oh, what else? (corr.) JD: I don't regret. AH: What else (corr.) don't you -? Oh come on, come on, be worse. JD: I don't regret. (corr.) I don't regret. AH: Come on, lay it on me! What else? What else other thing do you wanna add, you fucking lying piece of shit? JD: I can't talk to you when you sound like (corr.) Fozzie Bear (inaudible) a kids' show. AH: What? Ohhh no, I wanna know! (corr.) JD: Get out. AH: I wanna know! JD: Get out. Your Uber's out there. AH: (corr.) I'm kinda waiting. Go get it! JD: Yeah, I'm [inaudible]. (note: "I'm" sounds like "I've been" to me, rest I can't make out, either) AH: (corr.) Wait, is there no other place for you to run (corr.) in your fifteen other houses to go run? Come on, go be a real married man, and go deal with your shit the way that a man does! Go run to the next house! JD: I wish I had never ever - AH: Every man does! Go, run away! I know it's hard to look at yourself. JD: -- gone through with your fucking ridiculous plan. AH: I know, it's hard. It's hard. It's hard. Poor thing. JD: Your panicked fucking plan, (corr.) and screwing everybody else over to get your fucking - get what you need. AH: You're right, I tried! That's what I do! [laughs] JD: You're the most spoiled fucking brat. And you've got everybody out here almost fooled, but it don't last long! AH: Oh, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. You're right, you've got it figured out, you've got [laughs] JD: I've been (corr.) here a lot longer than you. Because (corr.) you don't have- Figure out what you have to offer, as opposed to going out and getting your tits out. AH: You're right, that's all I do. [laughs] JD: Yeah! AH: Okay. JD: London Fields was excellent. Excellent choice. AH: You're right, you're right. (00:40:00) Back to that? Well, I wonder what (corr.) we else- I wonder what else we can reach for in the last six years! Oh no, it was four years ago. You're right, there are (corr.) (inaudible) other things that you can say! (note: for the inaudible part, the transcript says "no", to me it sounds more like "a bunch of those" or "plenty", can't really say for sure, but it's not "no") JD: (corr.) Go laugh. [laughs] AH: No, I'm not laughing! JD: No, (corr.) matter of fact, (corr.) laugh (inaudible). AH: I'm not laughing, I'm not, it's (corr.)- I'm serious, I'm sure you can find other things. [laughs] JD: (corr.) I know, I know. And stripping, well there's always that, you can always go back to that. AH: You're right. You can write a book. You can write a book. JD: For another- (corr.) for another ten years. AH: I know, you can write a book. Ooh, is this gonna be good for your book? Ohhhh, should I have to sign an NDA for your book? (note: to me it sounds like "have you sign", but that doesn't really make sense) JD: You don't even rea- (corr.) (inaudible) You won't even (corr.) (inaudible). (note: for the 2nd inaudible, the transcript says "read it", I can't figure out what he's saying, but it's not that) AH: Your book? Is this gonna be good for your book? Is this gonna (corr.) be good for your book? JD: I'll write what I want. I'll write what I want. I'll write what I want. AH: Hey! Hey, I have a good idea! How about you sell more of your journals? You're not a sellout or anything, let's sell your journals. Ohhh, wait... JD: Hey! Hey, you're not a sellout! AH: Hey, (corr:) you know, no - you're not (inaudible) - no, no, you're not selling out! JD: You (corr.) don't wanna sell out with (?) Magic Mike! You don't wanna sell out! AH: No, no, (corr.) yeah, (corr.) 'cause no one does 21, Jump Street when they're in their twenties! No, you're right, that's not selling out. Noooo! When you're in your twenties, you should really know what you want - like selling your journals! [laughs] JD: By the way- (corr.) by the way, if you didn't- if you didn't know who the fuck I was- AH: (corr.) You're right, go sell your journals like a real non-sellout -- JD: [laughs] AH: -- fifty-five year old. (corr.) JD: Fifty-? AH: Oh, I'm sorry, fifty...? JD: Six. AH: Two. Fifty-one. I don't know, it doesn't matter at this point. (corr.) JD: No. AH: I don't think so. JD: It really (corr.) doesn't. AH: I don't really think so. But you're right, I mean, hey, at least I didn't do, like, a (corr.) tv show (corr.) where I was a heartthrob in my twenties. God, that would be like embarrassing! If only I was with someone in their fifties that could point that out to me! Magic Mike, you're right, when (corr.) you play a non-sexualized object, okay. JD: Yeah. AH: (corr.) Wow, you're right. You got me, you got it all figured out. JD: You don't even know what movies I've done. You (corr.) haven't even taken an interest. You know, (corr.) but I had to watch your fucking- AH: If only I could be- If only I could be like you. If only I could be like you, you (corr.) piece of shit! [laughs] JD: I had to watch your fucking dreck, and you trying to, like, spew out your fucking lines. AH: You're a joke! You're a joke! You're a joke! You're a joke! JD: Yeah, I'm the joke in the industry, Amber. AH: [laughs] What did you say? What did you say? JD: I'm the joke. I'm the joke in the industry. AH: I'm sorry, I can't really hear you! (corr.) I'm sorry, the reruns of all my bullshit are playing too loud for me to hear you! I'm gonna just go and pedal my way back. Sorry, I can't hear you! [laughs] JD: Aquaman! AH: Ohhh, 21 whatever it was. No one remembers anymore! JD: I was- I was 20. AH: No one cares! Hahaha. You funny washed-up piece of shit. JD: Washed up piece of shit? AH: Oh, what? Huh? What? What? JD: Washed up piece of shit? AH: I can't hear you. I can't hear you. JD: [laughs] AH: Oh, what? I can't hear you again! [laughs] JD: Your jealousy's so tragic! AH: I'm sorry, (corr.) let me turn on my aid! JD: Your jealousy is so tragic! Fucking, like, thinking that I'm going on the road with (corr.) the band - AH: (corr.) What did you say? I can't hear you. Let me turn on my aid! I can't hear you. Tell me how -- JD: [laughs] AH: -- to be you and (corr.) perfect, 'cause you got it all figured out. JD: Die. AH: Tell me how to do it. JD: Die. AH: You've got it so figured out! Tell me, - JD: 'Cause you really do. (corr.) You really do. AH: -- tell me everything you know, sensei! Tell me! JD: What you got coming out? AH: Tell me how to do it, then! 'Cause you are the one (corr.) criticizing me for it. JD: What you got coming out? 'Cause all these directors are really interested in you. AH: No no, really, you can really help! (note: it doesn't sound like "help" to me, sounds like "know", but I'm not sure) JD: (corr.) Yeah, I talked to Universal to fix your ass up or whatever it was. (note: something is off with the "I", can't figure it out, maybe "might talk to" instead of "I talked to"? AH: You're right, you did so much for me. JD: [laughs] Still doing it. AH: You did fuck-all for me. JD: Bye bye. AH: And- (corr.) and by the way, the one thing I actually asked for your help on, was shit. (note: the "was" is inaudible to me) (corr.) JD: Yeah. (?) AH: You did nothing. JD: Okay. AH: And, that was the (corr.) only thing I've ever asked for your help on. So, let's talk about how much you fucking helped me, Mr "I got it all figured out 'cause I didn't do stupid movies, ever, I didn't ever make a mistake, I did perfect all the time!" JD: (corr.) I know you didn't. AH: Oh no, uh-uh, at least you didn't do a movie where you were like - JD: Get out, man, you're belligerent. You're belligerent, man. AH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got it all figured out! You didn't do Magic Mike! You've got it all figured out, man! You just did TV shows and fucking whatever movies, you did it all right, sensei, (corr.) or fucking master of fucking cinema. God, if ever I could be so (corr.) perfect! JD: No, I did what you did, but I did it better. AH: But since you did all that shit, thanks for helping me with my thing that you got me in trouble with, thanks. Let me take the rap for that, and then not help me. JD: Got you in trouble with? AH: (corr.) Thanks, yeah, thanks, big man, big man! JD: What was it? AH: Big fucking man! JD: What did I get you in trouble with? AH: Big man! JD: You don't even know! AH: Only our dogs that you brought into (corr.) the country with me for your movie on your fucking plane, and then you let your fucking wife take all the shit for it? (note: the "Only" is inaudible to me) Thanks, oh just like the homewrecker shit that you never fucking let me fight. JD: Get out of my fucking life. AH: You don't give a shit, you're a coward, you're a fucking piece of shit. JD: Don't - AH: And you fucking go suck my fucking dick, like everyone else who fucking sucks yours. Go fucking suck my dick. You fucking (corr.) (inaudible) ball-less piece of shit. (note: for the inaudible part, the transcript says "cowardice", which not only wouldn't make sense, but I'm also not hearing that, I hear "cowerless", which apparently is actually a word, but wouldn't make sense here, either, especially with it being followed by "ball-less" and her calling him a coward just before, so no clue what she's actually saying) JD: I want nothing from you. (note: to me it sounds like he says "I want nothing more.", but I'm not sure) AH: I don't want anything to fucking do with you! You think I fucking want fucking something to do with you? (note: "You think I fucking want" is inaudible to me) You think I want that fucking old-ass fucking piece of shit? JD: Haha! AH: Fuck you, you're a fucking joke, man! And you're embarrassed that I even came here to waste my time trying to get you back. (note: did she mean to say "I'm embarrassed"? It definitely sounds like "you", but that doesn't make sense to me.) JD: Good. Go deal with that. Watch that wide load, bro. AH: Oh, whaaat? What? What do you wanna say? What do you wanna say? JD: I was (corr.) thinking that poor little Amber, all she wanted to do... AH: (corr.) You wanna say something else? You wanna say - no, I (corr.) wanna hear what (corr.) else- (corr.) Oh wait, you don't wanna hear- JD: Hey, what (corr.) were the posters on your wall when you were a kid? AH: Um, Rosie the fucking Riveter, what were yours? (corr.) JD: I don't know. AH: Rosie the Riveter too? JD: I don't know. AH: Or you wouldn't know, 'cause you were interested in me! JD: Your (corr.) fucking mom had some different ideas of what you had. AH: Ask her. Call her. (corr.) Call her. Let's hear what she says. (corr.) JD: I've- I've spoken- AH: I wanna know! JD: I've spoken to her. AH: Ask her. Ask her! Call her right now! (corr.) JD: No, it's late. AH: No, I think you should. She's up. JD: You think I should ask (corr.), should ask? AH: Call her! JD: [inaudible] (note: sounds to me like "You- you're- you- you can't") AH: Oh, you can't understand me? (corr.) That's, uh- Oh okay, you can't understand me? JD: No. AH: How about you call her, C-A-double-L? Call her. Why don't you pick up the phone? JD: In my own time, I will. AH: F-O-N-O. Why don't you pick up the phone? JD: F-O-N-O? AH: Yeah, el fono, and call her. God, if only I could spell it out for you. JD: Oh I wish you could. AH: (corr.) Well, words are so hard for me. (corr.) JD: Uh-huh. AH: Let me try again. F-O-N-N? F-O-N-E, sorry! Oh, silly me. Why don't you pick up the M-O-T-(corr.)H-(inaudible)-R (inaudible), drop the G, (corr.) P-H-O-N-E and call H-E-R? (note: Was she trying to say "motherfuckin'", as in M-O-T-H-E-R-fucking, drop the G, then it's motherfuckin'? It doesn't sound like she says "fucking" after the "R", sounds more like "R-E-S", but that's all I can think of that would make sense to me.) JD: H-E-R? AH: Sorry: her. JD: Her. Who's that? AH: Guess? JD: Your mom? AH: Oh, you can figure it out. Look at you. I don't have any stickers left. How will I ever reward you? JD: (corr.) Stay out of my life. AH: Fuck you. You're a coward. (corr.) JD: Mm-hm. AH: I know. And you know it. [inaudible] JD: And you are a fucking- AH: You are a coward. I've never met a bigger coward. JD: You're on a tailspin into a fucking abyss. AH: I've never met a bigger coward in my life. JD: That's cruel. AH: I've never met a bigger coward in my life. JD: Get out of here, Amber. (note: this is inaudible to me) AH: You're a spoiled brat. JD: You are a spoiled brat. You're the spoiled brat. AH: You (corr.) wish. JD: And you've just killed it. AH: You just killed it. JD: Okay. AH: Okay. (corr.) JD: Just- AH: Okay. JD: Yeah, repeat everything I say. AH: (corr.) Okay. You repeat everything I say. JD: You killed it. AH: You killed it. JD: Okay. AH: Okay. JD: Well, I don't think we have anything else to talk about. AH: I don't think so either. JD: Okay. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: (corr.) I'm gonna get- I'm gonna have somebody come down here and get you. (corr.) AH: That would be great. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: You (corr.) should. JD: (corr.) I think I [inaudible]. AH: Yeah. (corr.) JD: Okay, (inaudible). AH: (corr.) Go. Bye. JD: Okay, bye. AH: Bye bye. JD: Goodbye. AH: (corr.) Bye. JD: Walk. AH: (corr.) Okay, I will. JD: Walk. AH: Yeah, I will. JD: Say bye-bye and walk. AH: I will. JD: Come on, (corr.) tough guy. Fucking (corr.)- AH: You go out in the dark, (corr.) too, if you're in such a hurry to get out of my vicinity. (note: "You go out" is inaudible to me) Or I could just, like, sit here and take my time, and then walk whenever I want? (note: the "want" is inaudible to me) JD: I (corr.)'m not gonna walk. (corr.) AH: Okay. JD: (corr.) (I'm (?)) not gonna walk you out. AH: No, you were gonna call help. (corr.) And I think that's what you should do next. (note: sounds to me like "And I think should do next."?) JD: Yeah, so (corr.) that I don't have a fucking murder -- (corr.) AH: Right. (?) JD: -- on my hands. AH: Yeah. (corr.) (inaudible) JD: You're sick. AH: Uh-huh. JD: Sick. AH: Yeah. JD: Sick. AH: You are -- JD: Fucking -- AH: so rude to me (corr.) again. JD: -- massively narcissistic. AH: Big man. You're so good. JD: Fucking clown. (note: something is off about the "clown", I don't think that's what he's saying) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: So into yourself (corr.) and your-. AH: You're such a cool guy. JD: And your insecurities about (corr.), I mean, (inaudible)- AH: You're such a cool guy. JD: No I'm not. AH: You're a fucking joke. JD: I'm a joke? Am I a joke in the industry? AH: I don't care. JD: [laughs] AH: (corr.) Or- obviously, or I wouldn't be with you! JD: (corr.) The one- the one thing. AH: Or else I wouldn't be with you. That's your concern. JD: Well- AH: That's the thing you obsessed with, not me, thank god. [Sound of AH reaching for a glass.] (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Oh, I'm sorry. JD: Just fucking - if you want some wine, just say it. (note: "wine" kind of sounds more like "water", being said really quickly, but "wine" makes more sense, especially with what's being said later, so I don't know) AH: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't... JD: No, it's not a free-for-all. AH: No, no, no, you're right, I'm sorry, should I give you money? I have money in my purse in my car. JD: You don't need to do that. AH: I'll give you five dollars. JD: You don't need to do that. AH: No, I'll give you seven. Eight? JD: Instead of reaching for my glass, give me your fucking glass and I'll fill it. AH: (00:50:00) I don't have a glass, but I can give you nine dollars. JD: Where's your glass? Where's the glass I just gave you? AH: Can I have a sip out of yours, or are you worried about cooties? JD: At this point -- AH: No, I'll give you money. JD: -- (corr.) a little bit insensitive. AH: I'll give you money. JD: Alright, send it (corr.). Send it to me. There you go. AH: I'll give Travis money. I'll give Travis money. I have cash in my car. And that way you don't have to worry about the waste of money. Is it okay if I have a sip? JD: Yeah. AH: I mean, I won't have more than six or seven dollars' worth. JD: Alright, cool, so six or seven dollars and no respect. AH: So a sip or two? JD: Hmm? AH: A sip or two? (corr.) Or if I have more than two sips, should I write a (corr.) - Well, I at least have fifteen dollars (corr.) in my- JD: (corr.) Just get- AH: I don't know how much I (corr.) have in my-. JD: (inaudible) the fucking (corr.), you owe me nothing. Just get out. AH: No, maybe I should give you fifteen, -- JD: I don't want your money. AH: -- just in case I have three sips. JD: I want you to drink that down, take it with you! AH: No, (corr.) in case I have s- (corr.) JD: I don't want- AH: In case I have three sips and maybe I should give you fifteen, but I can't give you more (corr.), so I don't wanna take more than three sips. JD: I've been miserable for too long. (corr.) And you, uh- AH: Yeah, ooooh, have you? So I should give you twenty. JD: No. AH: I'm sorry, I'll give you a cheque for five, (corr.) I think (?), 'cause I don't have that extra five. (corr.) I have fifteen dollars in my- JD: You wanna fuck around with cheques, do you, Amber? AH: No, you're right, I can give you my credit card number, or I can send you like a direct deposit (corr.), then (or "that"?) I can give you- JD: Oh, 'cause what? AH: -- for seven dollars. JD: (corr.) Oh, because I don't- 'cause I don't have money, is that what it is? AH: No, it's because you're worried about me taking your wine, and I understand (corr.) this, it's- it's expensive. JD: I don't think we're in any friendly position (corr.) to (inaudible) you can be reaching over for my wine. (note: transcript says "position for you to be reaching", but he definitely says "you can be reaching", not sure about what he says right after "position", sounds a bit like "to me" or "to mean") AH: Oh! So sorry! JD: So those days are gone. AH: No, you're right, those days are gone. (corr.) JD: Yes. AH: So I'll send you money for the sips I've taken. JD: I don't care, send me fucking a picture of a pumpkin. AH: Five? Eight? Ten? Fifteen? JD: I don't care, send me a TV dinner. (corr.) Just gi- just give me something that says (corr.) "It's over, bye!". AH: Okay, so like fifteen dollars? JD: No, just walk (corr.) a- AH: I mean, I just don't wanna take advantage (corr.) of my sip. JD: Take that with you. AH: A whole glass? But I - (corr.) I j- you just got so upset at me taking a sip, why would I take the whole glass? JD: Ask. AH: You're right, I should (corr.) - so ca- I'm asking you - (corr.) JD: You're drunk. AH: -- should I send you five dollars or fifteen? For the sip, I mean? JD: (corr.) Let's send fifteen, 'cause that can go to a charity and maybe mean something. AH: Okay, okay. (corr.) Fifteen. JD: Okay, let's have (corr.) 'em go to Art of Elysium, 'cause they're gonna need all their help. AH: That's what it's called. (note: I think when JD said it, it sounded a bit like "Arte of Elysium", and maybe that's why Amber responded this way) JD: Art of Elysium, is that what it's called? AH: Mm-hm, I'll send (corr.) it to them. JD: Yeah, fifteen bucks should help them. AH: Yeah, mm-hm. I'll donate it in your honour, for letting me have this wine. That's so charitable of you. JD: I will not mention you in any interviews. AH: You're (corr.) (inaudible). (note: transcript says "so good", I can't tell what she says, but it's not that, to me it kinda sounds like "sleepy" or "sweet pea", not that I think she said either of those) JD: I will not mention you in any interviews. AH: And I will never - JD: And if (corr.) I'm asked a question, I would say (corr.) I do not- AH: I will no longer reach for a glass that you touch, because God - (note: I'm not sure if she said "touch" or "touched") (corr.) JD: I sai- AH: Let's not be-- JD: I wanna finish my sentence. AH: -- sweet for a sleazy, stingy- JD: Get out. AH: I will leave when I want. You do not want me to call the cops. I will leave- JD: I'll call the cops. AH: Good luck. Do it. JD: Yeah. AH: Do it, right now. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: Do it. I'm waiting. Call (corr.). JD: (corr.) Alright. You really wanna do this? You really wanna fucking do this? (corr.) Cool. (?) You just cannot fucking deal. [Sounds like there might be a brief sort of struggle; I envision him pushing her out the door because AH seems to disappear for a bit.] (note: I'm sorry, what?! It doesn't sound like that at all to me. Plus, I'm sure we would have heard Amber say something while he was pushing her out the door?!) (corr.) AH: Hmm? (note: you can hear her go "Hmm?" at 00:35:34, after this "struggle", so she's clearly still there) JD: (corr.) Fucking (inaudible) Wow. Oh wow. Wow. What a waste. Absolute fucking waste. [No talking for 6 minutes. Then AH returns.] (note: no talking from 00:53:56 to 00:59:30 // I also can't hear Amber "returning", I think they were both just sitting there quietly for these 6 minutes.) (corr.) AH: (inaudible) (something like "I can't-"?) (no talking from 00:59:33 to 00:59:42) (corr.) AH: I'm sorry. (?) (no talking from 00:59:44 to 00:59:51) AH: (inaudible) I wish I hadn't (corr.) - I wish I hadn't come here. JD: Me too. AH: (01:00:00) Fuck you. JD: You came with one thing on your mind. AH: Fuck you, (corr.) piece of shit. (corr.) You're a waste of [inaudible] I wish I had never met you. JD: Well -- AH: What (corr.) -- JD: -- those wishes don't come true. AH: What other bullshit thing do you wanna say to me, you fucking piece of shit? JD: Those wishes don't come true. AH: What (corr.) - what else do you wanna fucking say to me, you piece of shit? What else? You don't have anything else to say to me? Cool. JD: I wish you the best. AH: Hey, why don't you fuck yourself? Go suck your own dick, like you used to. Oh, and just one thing, I'll write you a cheque for the extra sip I took. Is that okay, you stingy old fucking piece of shit? JD: You're the one that brought it up. AH: Mm-mm. You did, you said "Don't drink my wine. That's mine." JD: I didn't say that. AH: Oh, you didn't? JD: I said I didn't think you were looking for any more. AH: Mm-mm. (note: I'm not hearing that. To me it sounds like she says something, but I can't tell what.) Rewind. Rewind. Why don't you rewind? JD: [sighs] (no talking from 01:00:54 to 01:01:08) AH: [inaudible] (note: kinda sounds a bit like "By the way" or "I can't wait" to me) (corr.) JD: Hm? (corr.) AH: (inaudible, "I can't"?) JD: (corr.) Probably defended me pretty good in front of your- (corr.) AH: (inaudible, "Do you think"? "Excuse me"?) JD: Rocky and your Pop and -- (corr.) AH: (inaudible, "Excuse me"?) JD: -- your Mom. AH: [inaudible] (note: "Excuse me"?) (no talking from 01:01:25 to 01:01:37) (corr.) AH: (inaudible, starts maybe with "Just so"?) JD: Huh? AH: (corr.) (inaudible, I think I can hear a "fucking dickhead"?) I hope one day you can teach your son how to be a man, because you're so good at it. [inaudible] (corr.) You're a joke! JD: You - AH: You're a joke of a man. You're a joke! JD: I've tried so fucking hard with you. AH: You just text it away. (note: "You just" is inaudible to me, kinda sounds like "What do you, text it away"? I don't know) JD: I've tried so (corr.) hard (corr.). AH: You just text it away. Hey, if you haven't learned this shit in fifty-fucking-something years, you're never gonna learn. I hope to God, I hope to God, Jack's stepfather teaches him more about being a man, than your fucking, your fucking left nut. JD: Hey, that's good, you gave me some shit about my kids, just like in London (corr.) that you [inaudible] (note: "decide"? "desired"?)! [Door closed, presumably by AH leaving again.] JD: Never again! AH: [inaudible] JD: Stay away! AH: Yell about it (corr.) (inaudible). JD: You don't exist. AH: Yell about it (corr.) (inaudible)! JD: You will not be getting my words. [No talking for 4 minutes. JD starts snoring. Footsteps of AH returning.] (note: no talking from 01:02:49 to 01:06:51) AH: Are you okay? JD: [snores] AH: Are you okay? (corr.) Johnny? JD: [snores] AH: Johnny, are you okay? Are you okay? JD: [waking up]: Mmm? AH: (corr.) You're okay. You passed out. JD: I know, I put my head back, resting. (note: "put" sounds like "felt" to me and I think he says "listening", not "resting", but I'm not sure) James Dean, I mean James Brown gets booed off the stage. AH: Who? JD: James... AH: Dean? JD: Uh (corr.)... AH: You said "James Dean"? JD: (corr.) (inaudible) Yeah, no, James Dean is up there too. AH: But you said James Brown, also? JD: What? Yes... AH: Gets booed off the stage, you said? JD: The- (corr.) the- AH: You said "James Dean, James Brown gets -- (corr.) JD: No no. AH: -- booed off the stage." JD: (corr.) No no. The James Brown thing, (corr.) what they've done (corr.) is, they've- they've kind of made it into a (corr.), what do you call it? A fucking thing, so we go (corr.), there's three stages, we go and played (corr.) the three stages. AH: You (corr.) go and played three stages? JD: (corr.) No, we go up, we (corr.)'re gonna do some middling, we go on whatever one we're on, (corr.) we play the gig. AH: (corr.) Do you play it for James Dean? Is that what you said? You played the middle one? JD: I said James Dean and I corrected it. AH: To James Brown. JD: I said James Brown (corr.). AH: You don't play (corr.) for James Brown though. JD: Hmm? AH: I don't think you're playing for James Brown, are you? JD: You never know. AH: You don't know? (note: I can't tell if she says "don't" or "never") JD: Well, now I'm desperate at this point (corr.), you know? AH: Okay. (corr.) JD: You know that. AH: (corr.) It's not really making a lot of sense. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: Hey, you know I love you. JD: Got a funny way of showing it. AH: So have you. You know you're not clicking anything, right? JD: What? AH: You know you're not doing anything on your phone? JD: No, I'm (corr.) (inaudible, I can only make out "clicking" and maybe "know" at the end) what's there. AH: (corr.) Nothing. You're not looking at anything. (corr.) It's not- Nothing's happening. You're just doing that (corr.) tilt-thing with your phone. JD: Well, because it's recording, so I gotta do that. AH: But nothing's happening.

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February 10, 2016
Wednesday

time based on metadata2go (13:28:47 (UTC-8))

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-02-10 01:28:47 pm (UTC-8)			mov mp4	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Def638

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

[JD kicks the fridge.] JD: Motherfucker! Motherfucker! AH: What happened? What happened? [JD bangs a cupboard open and closed.] AH: Nothing happened this morning, you know that? [Sound of glass smashing.] JD: Were you in here? AH: No. JD: So then nothing happened to you this morning. [AH adjusts the camera angle.] AH: Yeah, you're right, I just woke up, and you were so sweet and nice. We were not even fighting this morning. All I did was say sorry. JD: Did something happen to YOU this morning? I don't think so. [JD apparently throws another glass, while AH adjusts the camera again.] AH: No. That's the thing. [JD walks back on camera with a bottle and glass.] JD: You wanna see crazy? I'll give you fucking crazy. [JD pours himself a drink.] JD: (corr.) Here's crazy. All your crazy. All your crazy. [JD puts down the bottle.] AH: Have you drunk this whole thing this morning? JD: Oh, (corr.) you got this going? You got this going? [JD grabs the camera. ] AH: I've just started it! JD: Oh really? Really? [JD throws the camera somewhere dark.] (note: into the trash) JD: Sneak that shit on me, motherfucker? AH: No, I didn't. You were smashing shit. [AH retrieves the camera.] JD: (corr.) (inaudible) Bye! Ass! AH: [laughs] (note: Sorry, if the "laughs" refers to her "ha", I wouldn't call it that. And after that I don't see or hear her laughing, just smirking.)

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May 21, 2016
Saturday

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-05-21 08:27:20 pm			mp4 mp3	n/a	911 call

May 21, 2016
Saturday

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-05-21 10:28 pm			mp4	n/a	Plt200
2016-05-21 10:28 pm			mp4	n/a	Plt201

(presumably) June 15, 2016
(presumably) Wednesday

times based on metadata2go (June 15, 2016 at 19:31:35 (UTC-4) & June 16, 2016 at 00:08:01 (UTC+0))

The audio linked below is the version released by the Daily Mail, which unfortunately has words censored. The individual uncensored, but incomplete clips that were played during the US Trial (exhibits Plt357A-Plt357G, 12 min 30 sec in total) are linked in the notes for the transcript below.

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-06-15 07:31:35 pm (UTC-4) to 08:08:01 pm (UTC-4)			mp4 mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash ------- pdf transcribed by mderndarkwizard	the phone call

unofficial transcript
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(note: we have 3 versions of this recording: #01: the full 31 min recording, but with words bleeped out, via the Daily Mail #02: uncensored clips, a total of 12 min 30 sec, via court exhibits: Plt357B (00:04:47 - 00:07:52) (3:05) Plt357C (00:12:30 - 00:16:30) (4:00) Plt357D (00:17:25 - 00:17:37) (0:12) Plt357A (00:18:43 - 00:21:46) (3:11) Plt357E (00:21:47 - 00:22:37) (0:50) Plt357F (00:24:04 - 00:24:48) (0:44) Plt357G (00:26:00 - 00:26:28) (0:28) #03: uncensored cut down version via Brian (which I did not link) with commentary throughout, so I'm not sure how much of the audio is in the 27 min video The bleeped out words were transcribed in different ways, so here's how I did the corrections: - I listened to the Daily Mail version only for the parts that we don't have as exhibits - I switched to the exhibits for the parts we have exhibits of (meaning for these parts I skipped the DM version, so I corrected the transcript for these as if the uncensored versions were transcribed) - I only skimmed through Brian's video to check for words censored by the DM that we don't have exhibits of. I didn't check for anything else and I didn't go through the video properly, so I may have missed things. For the censored parts that we don't have as exhibits: - (corr.) (censored) = the censored word was ignored - (corr.) (censored/"fucking") = the censored word was transcribed with "fucking" - (censored) = the censored word was transcribed with "bleep" - (uncensored) fucking = "fucking" can be heard in Brian's uncensored version (no matter whether in the transcript it was right, wrong or ignored, this is just to let people who are listening to the DM version know that the censored words weren't guessed I hope this isn't too confusing. I also added timestamps every 5 minutes and notes for when the exhibits approximately started and ended) AH: (corr.) (inaudible) When we are done, like, negotiating or talking - like, when both you and I say okay, done, done - that's when the six-month thing process starts. And so I text you this, and now I guess you don't remember it, but I text you that (corr.), you know, at the very beginning and I said (corr.) (inaudible, "Hey Mi"?!) "By the way, by some miracle it didn't get noticed, so we could (note: "can"?) even do this privately and it will be quiet and, you know, and," I said, "unless you file, and you don't have to file!" And I was (corr.) like trying to explain (corr.) to you my limited understanding of the whole... JD: My filing did nothing, and it's required. AH: No, it's not. JD: It is required to acknowledge you've been filed-- (corr.) AH: No, it's not. JD: --against and you file as well. AH: No, you do not. You make an (corr.) ackno-- you can make an acknowledgement of some kind, you don't have to file back. When you file back in court, it... JD: Amber- AH: I'm not ly-! I'm (corr.) really just trying to - you know what? (corr.) You're trying to- I feel like you're trying to defend yourself. And you don't have to defend your team. We know (corr.) lawyers are fucked up. But you hear me, right? You hear me? Please stop defending yourself. I'm not trying to fight with you. I'm just trying to tell you the truth. This is truth! I don't know why you're so angry about hearing it, why you're so defensive, -- JD: Baby, I'm not angry. AH: -- but I just thought you'd wanna know all the information. (note: "but I just thought" is inaudible to me) JD: I'm not angry. I want this to go away. I'm trying to talk you into making this go away. AH: Then you need to know the real truth behind it, and this is important. This was completely private and was under the radar, and you did not have to file back. And I warned you that day, I said: "You don't have to file back... If you file back (corr.) (censored) 'cause (?) it opens it up to being discovered." And I was thinking naively that it would just be discovered by the way that (corr.) like TMZ typically discovers these things. I didn't know it would be hand-delivered to them within (corr.) five (corr.) - it felt (?) like five minutes. (corr.) (inaudible) I did not know it would be given to them. (corr.) I did not know- I couldn't have known at that time how much Laura was going to use TMZ to her favor. I did not know that, so I just thought naively that TMZ could likely discover it if it was filed on your part. I warned you - I said this to you thinking that you were going to be participating - (corr.) I said: "Hey, just so you know, you don't have to file. I'm not gonna go after you. I don't wanna stop talking to you or whatever (corr.)-whatever, and you don't have to file. If you file, it just opens us up to being discovered." Because for some reason, the way we file- JD: What would-? AH: My lawyer, when she filed, she gave explicit instructions to file within a stack of a bunch of other paperwork at the end of the day, so (corr.) that it would be more likely to not be discovered. And I was told that would be the most effective method at having a shot at it not being picked up for a day or two. I thought hey, maybe we'll buy a few hours, you know? And I worked really hard, and so did my team, and it didn't get picked up, by some miracle. So like, literally three days it didn't get known about. Eight minutes or five minutes after your team filed for you, which is a move they didn't have to make, then it was picked up by TMZ. It was given to TMZ within five minutes of it being filed, and Laura went and did it at the very opening of the business day, on top of a stack of paperwork. That is the opposite of keeping it private. And I just want you to know the whole truth. If I were you I'd wanna know all the information. JD: I do, I do. I would like you to know all the information too, but I mean, do you have proof of that? AH: Yeah. JD: Good, (corr.) good, excellent. Well I didn't (corr.), I mean, I didn't know anything about her filing to (note: "to" is inaudible to me) (corr.) (censored/"fucking") TMZ or any (corr.) (censored/"shit") like that. She knows what I wanted. I don't- AH: (corr.) So (?)- then I think maybe she's trying to do what's best for you without maybe you (corr.), you know, and I- I don't know, but she... I'll put it to you this way: without being able to show you (corr.) from people that- without being able to show you and expose my source - one of (corr.) which - one of, actually, one of them in this regard - (note: beginning of Plt357B) without doing that I can just tell you the basic fact. (corr.) It's like, it was private for days after I filed. You did not have to file. That's not a move that the other party has to make. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: And it's just not. (00:05:00) JD: Okay. AH: And you did - JD: Okay. AH: --or your team did. JD: Okay. AH: And then, within five minutes, it was (corr.) (inaudible) TMZ. You just do the math yourself without any other thing and (corr.) thereby it's very clear. JD: (corr:) Okay. I AH: And I don't know if you knew that. JD: No, I didn't know that, and if that's the case I'll acknowledge it. (corr.) You know? And if you say you have proof, then I'll acknowledge it. Look, it doesn't shock me, that any (corr.) fucking -- (corr.) AH: Yeah. It just makes sense. JD: -- attorney would do something like that. It doesn't (corr.), you know -- AH: Yeah. (corr.) Yeah. JD: It doesn't shock me. But I'm telling you now, (corr.) if I file- if they file the fucking papers tomorrow, which means, (corr.) the shit I gotta file before we go to court on Friday - AH: Mmm. JD: If they file those papers, first of all, it's very bad for both of us, okay? AH: Well, your people aren't gonna file anything that they think is bad for you, trust me. (note: I don't think "people aren't" is correct, I think it might be "team's not", but that doesn't quite fit what I'm hearing, either JD: No, what you're saying, you gotta do something to protect yourself, which means throwing me under the bus, (corr.) for the- some video about me beating you? AH: (corr.) Not- not me! I have to respond! Legally I mean, I'll have to go and pursue the - No, I (corr.) have to pursue the whole course of action, because here's what you don't understand: If we do this, and basically, well, no, 'cause, I called my lawyers and I said: "Why aren't we negotiating more? What is going on? Where are we?" And they're like: "Everything is (corr.) done in that (?) court, we literally cannot..." JD: No, they won't settle. Your agents won't - your lawyers won't settle, baby, I'm telling you. AH: No, we want to mediate! We even found mediators and everything! Like, that was all worked out! But the thing that Laura didn't agree to was, she did not wanna agree to a mutual gag order. And that's the problem (corr.), that she doesn't want the gag order, why, Johnny? Why? Why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't she want both parties to not talk about this in the press? By the way, I'm just talking about the press, not even talking about the court. Why? JD: Okay, I'll tell you what, Amber, let me get on that right now. I'll fucking get on it right now, and I'll get a message back to you somehow. (corr.) Just, you know- But I'll get on it right now. AH: I just want you to know, I'm not doing anything and have not been doing any move. Look it up, the timeline. Nothing was on the offense, everything has been a defensive move because I'm being called a liar and a gold-digger. And I'm not lying about any of this shit, and I am not after a dime of your money. (note: ending of Plt357B) And you know what? I was told by Laura (corr.) and after the first meeting (corr.) the thing - the reason that I (corr.) (censored/"fucking") stupid clicked (corr.) "I'm seeking spousal support" (corr.) 'cause I was told that (corr.) that was my only option, 'cause no divorce attorney would ever say "Not" and then lose all rights to everything. Laura Wasser had (corr.) proposed that I need- not proposed, I'm sorry - said I would have to leave, I'd be kicked out, (corr.) be evicted - so Rock and Josh and everybody - evicted within 21 days. JD: No. (corr.) I- but I told you- I told- last- last time we spoke I told you that you were fine (corr.), that "you stay there two, three, (corr.) (censored) four months, whatever, just (corr.) (censored/"fucking") figure it out, we'll figure it out. You stay there, you'll be com-" AH: I thought that too! JD: (corr.) That- "Be in your home!" AH: They told me 21 days! JD: "Be in your home!" AH: No, I thought that too! (corr.) No, they told me 21 days! That is part of why I accused you for doing that! (note: the "for" is inaudible to me, it is generally assumed that she said "of", but "for" would make sense, too, as in "I accused you (of XYZ) for having us evicted", but I can't say for sure) This is the thing! Like that's why I clicked "yes, seeking spousal support", because that's the only way I didn't waive the right to stay in my home. That's how (uncensored) fucked up this (corr.)- like, I'm having to do everything, every step I've had to make, my hand was forced in it - by really (uncensored) fucked up aggressive moves made on your team's behalf. And now I've gotta (uncensored) fucking prove myself every step of the way, and it only hurts you! I don't wanna hurt you! (corr.) JD: It's going- AH: I love you! JD: It's hurting you. It's hurting you. And it's hurting me. But the worst (uncensored) fucking thing is, it's hurting- AH: But it becomes court- (corr.) it be- it be- [The line cuts out, but JD doesn't realize.] JD: Do you wanna go to court, Amber? Seriously? Do you wanna go to court with this? I'm offering you, right now, an opportunity for us to make this finish in peace. Peaceful, man. We walk away, you go do what you gotta do, I'll go do what I gotta do. I've been through the (uncensored) fucking hurt, you've been through the (uncensored) fucking hurt. I love you more than anything in life. Bu-, I do not wanna go into a (uncensored) fucking court with you. (00:10:00) I do not wanna- (corr.) I do not wanna (uncensored) fucking tarnish your name, (corr.) I don't wanna (uncensored) fucking tarnish- I don't want nothing. I want this to be done peacefully, between us, and if you don't like the way that mediation is going, take me back to court kid. (corr.) 'Cause I can't- I would- I rea- This is the last (uncensored) fucking chance, Amber, this is it. Once they file those papers we don't turn around, man. And I know you hate me, (corr.) and, you know, I know you- whatev-. I'm telling you now, there is no call, it doesn't need to happen like this. Please, for (uncensored) fuck'ssake, trust me, man. iO is not gonna help you in this. Nobody's gonna help you in this. I'm trying to help you in this. I love you, regardless of whether we're together or not. I love you, and I have loved you, with everything in the (uncensored) fucking world, whether your love was real or not, I love you. And I want this- [Phone rings] JD: Hey. AH: (corr.) Hey. Can you hear me? JD: (corr.) Of course everything I said was not heard, right? (uncensored) Fuck me. AH: I don't know, I don't know (corr.) where-. JD: I know. What I was trying to say is this: Continuing through court is gonna end up nothing but bad, for you and for me. It's just gonna be bad, in any case, no matter whether we ruin each other or (uncensored) fucking not. It's gonna be (uncensored) fucking heartbreaking. It's terrible. Let's write a (uncensored) fucking mutual letter that says "Look, in lieu of what's transpiring out there in the world with all this (uncensored) fucking crazy (uncensored) shit, we have decided to take this private. We're not going to go to court, right now, over this. We're gonna try to work something out, together." And then at least, at the very (uncensored) fucking least- I know you wanna respond and I know you wanna defend yourself. Listen to me. Defending yourself by throwing someone under the bus is not going to look good. (note: beginning of Plt357C) AH: I'm not! It's not about that! It would not be about me throwing you under the bus. You know what it would be? It would be released through documented people coming on the record and, having the protection to do so, that haven't had yet. It would be eyewitness statements. It would be evidence, tons of it, and it would be through years. And it would be unbelieveable, unbelieveable, to imagine that either I'm in (a) a secret fight club or (b) (corr.) I've had - JD: A secret what? AH: A secret fight club, or that I have been plotting to do this for (corr.) the, you know, for three years, while taking pictures of it, and documenting it, just saving it up for the right time when I'm not asking for any money and have nothing financial to gain from it. But no one is going to believe that. No one is going to believe (corr.) that- one of the two alternatives, (corr.) either I'm in a fight club, or I've been going through hair and makeup (corr.) or going through makeup, through all these years where I have corroborating text messages between people that match those dates of those time-stamped validated photos. (corr.) Of- of- (inaudible) either corroboration (note: transcript says "I would either corroborate", but she definitely says "corroboration", so "I would either" doesn't fit, even though it sounds like that's what she's saying, also kinda sounds like she's saying "either" twice, but pronounced differently) between people hearing us or corroboration of next day, you know, Whitney sending a text message to Kevin, him responding, or, you know, the kind of stuff like between me and people in your life. It is insanely cross-corroborated, than it is a plan, "I'm gonna put makeup on myself and take pictures throughout years and just sit on it for years." That, while having this (corr.), like, imaginary life run parallel to it. Do you understand that the pictures I have match with, like, text messages to my mom back and forth about it, (corr.) you know, and text messages between, say, Raquel and my mom, or Raquel and my dad, or (corr.) you know, between my two friends. Or there's a text message where I tell Jodi the night before I had that James Corden night show thing, where I say (corr.): "Hey Jodi, I've had an accident! I (corr.) think I may have- I have a busted lip, I may have a busted nose, and two black eyes tomorrow, (corr.) because- I don't- I don't know how bad it will be until in the morning and we may have to cancel (00:15:00) (corr:) the appearance. I don't know how bad, I'm icing it, I'll just let you in the morning..." You know, and things like that. It doesn't matter. (corr.) There's nothing that- nothing- And all of that won't be me throwing you under the bus, that will be evidence, in this case, which (corr.) I will (?) ha- it will be criminal as well, because I cannot go on Friday and file without filing a police statement first. And the only reason I haven't filed that police statement - which has been used against me by the way, every day - and the only reason I (corr.) won't do it- haven't done it, is because I don't wanna hurt you and that means it goes out of my hands. And (corr.) every- we had a third party (corr.) guy- uh, third party prosecutor come and a criminal lawyer come, and they went (corr.) like: "The problem is, hearing from you, like your biggest struggle is (corr.) just- it's such a- it's the most solid evidence case of domestic violence we've ever seen, and if you give this over to them or present any part of it, they will prosecute him." And I felt (corr.) like I would- I'm not- like I would never want that (corr.) for you, because (corr.) I don't even- it's hard for me to even underst- I don't call myself- like, still in my head it's hard for me to even accept any sort of victimdom ever! (note: ending of Plt357C) And the -- JD: Amber, listen, here's what I - here's- AH: -- the problem is I have to- (corr.) I think (?) - I don't wanna hurt you. JD: I understand, I understand. And I don't wanna hurt you either. I'm only gonna say this. I, I love you (corr.). I love you, and I've always loved you. (corr:) And, I know that- Look, you do whatever you feel you have to do. I'm telling you now, it's a mistake to go to court. But if you wanna go to court, we'll go to court. I would rather take care of it a different way, I think it would be very good for you, and I think it would be very good for me. But you know what? (note: beginning of Plt357D) AH: I've been called a liar! And I've been called a gold-digger! Everyone is (corr.) - everyone. JD: Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Amber, I didn't call you those things. I didn't call you those things. (note: ending of Plt357D) AH: But you... it is all from your side. And if you don't believe me then, why are we talking? It's so pointless to even talk like we trust or love or respect each other at all, if you don't believe in what I'm saying. And you know it. And I know you, I respect you too much to pretend for a second that you don't know these facts. And you know it. JD: Okay, and do you-- AH: So can you please...? JD: -- remember me fifteen minutes ago saying "let me make a call, let me get on this, and I'll try-- AH: Yeah. JD: --and get back in touch with you"? Okay? AH: Yeah. JD: So let's not jump-- (corr.) AH: Right. (?) JD: Let's not jump on me, okay? AH: I'm not trying to jump on you, I'm sorry. JD: I'm gonna try and get through, see what the (corr.) (censored/"fuck") is going on, see what the (corr.) (censored/"fuck") has been happening. And I will get back to you. I'll call your mom. But (corr.), you know, I hope you- AH: I don't want it to go (corr.) (inaudible). (note: transcript says "bad", to me it sounds like "to pat", which is obviously not correct, but it's also not "bad") I don't want it to. I didn't want any of this. I don't want it to be- (note: beginning of Plt357A) JD: It's been going on too long, Amber, and we just gotta stop this. Just gotta stop it. AH: I don't know how to get my reputation back. JD: We write a letter together - AH: (corr.) (inaudible, possibly "Saying?") JD: Saying that we're gonna take this out of the public eye. Saying that we're gonna try and work this out on our own. Saying that the media has created such a fucking hateful storm that it's sickening. That we love each other, and that we wanna make sure each other is okay. Have we had fights in the past? Have we had this or whatever? Fuck it, they already know all that shit, (corr.) don't matter. Here's the deal- AH: No, it matters! I have been- You have no idea, every ounce of my credibility has been taken from (corr.) - I mean, and done so in a dishonest way. (corr.) You know? (corr.) JD: Amber-- AH: Come on, you know! JD: The abuse thing is- we've gotta deal with that, yeah. We've gotta deal with that, Amber! (00:20:00) AH: I just don't have any way of- (corr.) my credit is- It's my credibility, you know (corr.) what, I don't- JD: Then why did you put that out there? AH: I did not! You forced me, your team forced me to, by going on the offense! [inaudible] JD: I didn't force you to! AH: I promise! Look up the timelines for these things, everything is- Forget it, (corr.) forget it, you don't believe what I say, you don't believe what I say! But I did not choose this. You have- every step of the way (corr.) has (?) been an offense that I- (note: it sounds like either "an offense" or "in offense", but I think she at the very least meant "on offense") JD: I did not put this anywhere! I didn't. Let me talk to the fucking team! AH: I did not call the cops! [inaudible] (note: the trial transcript says "I mean there's no cases against you", I can't hear the "you", sounds more like "me", which doesn't make sense, but the rest seems about right) JD: iO called the cops. AH: I did not call the cops! JD: You told iO to call the cops. AH: (corr.) I did not- I did not call the cops and I did not give them any statement when they came. I've been trying to protect you! [inaudible] JD: You told iO to call the cops. AH: When, while it was happening? JD: Yeah. AH: Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry because the last time that it got crazy between us, I really did think I was gonna lose my life, and I thought you would do it on accident! And I told you that! I said, oh my God, I thought for the first time- JD: Amber, I lost a fucking finger, man, come on. I had a fucking- (corr.) I had a fucking, a mineral can, a jar- can of mineral spirits thrown at my nose! AH: You can please tell people that it was a fair fight, and see what the jury and judge think! Tell the world, Johnny! Tell them, "(corr.) Johnny Depp, I, Johnny Depp, a man, (corr.) I'm- I'm a victim too of domestic violence- (note: The "a man" is being disputed by Amber supporters who believe that she only said "man". While I understand why, I do wanna be clear that I completely disagree with that and if I had any doubt, I would have no problem stating as much.) JD: Yes! AH: -- and (corr.) I, you know, it's a fair fight." And see how many people believe or side with you. JD: It doesn't matter. Fair fight my ass. AH: Exactly! (note: ending of Plt357A) Because you're bigger (note: beginning of Plt357E) and you're stronger. And so when I say that I thought you could kill me, that doesn't mean you counter with you also (corr.) - that you lost your own finger! I am not trying to attack you here! I'm just trying to point out the fact of why I said "call 911". Because (corr.) I was- you had your hands on me, after you threw a phone at my face! And it's gotten crazy in the past, and I truly thought, "I need to stop this madness before I get hurt." JD: Oh my God. AH: And I never think about myself that way. I never defend myself that way. I never see myself as a victim. JD: Alright. (corr.) AH: And to a fault, you know? JD: Alright, yeah. AH: And when they came, I did not cooperate with them. It has been used against me - not by the media, by your side (note: ending of Plt357E), who said- JD: What do you mean? (corr.) Where's the media? It's all out in the media, why is my s-? AH: TMZ is in your pocket and you don't even know it? Oh, I mean, I was at the courthouse while TMZ was posting things - while I'm at the court house they're posting things about the cops never coming, right? (corr.) Then we provide proof. Then they say "oh, it was just one set of police officers". Then they retract their story, but they don't actually retract it like an objective media source would. No, what do they do? They just come out with a new lie - they go "oh, well, it was just one pair of cops and she said it was two." And I said "no, here's the proof". We just subpoenaed the building for the actual security records to prove that was wrong. Okay, so what did they do? They came out with a new lie, a different lie: "okay, (corr.) well, it was this, it was this..." I mean, every step of the way I've had to take, it's been because, that news source (corr.) is in Marty's pocket - (corr.) in Laura- like, that's like Laura's source! JD: Okay, listen- AH: Every step (corr.) this way! JD: Alright listen, here's the- (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: Alright fine, you believe what you believe. I'm gonna call these people, I'm gonna take care of this, see what the (uncensored) fuck is going on. I'll get back to you. Otherwise listen, as far as I can tell right now, it sounds like you wanna go to court, and you wanna (uncensored) fuck this up real bad. AH: (corr.) I don't! I just wanna clear my name! I've been telling all the lawyers this from the beginning, and your lawyers knew this! JD: You cannot clear up your name now! AH: Don't let them lie to you. Don't let them lie to you. (note: beginning of Plt357F) I have said only this from the very beginning: I only have my integrity, and the unfortunate thing is -- JD: And what about mine? AH: -- (corr.) they keep taking it a step further- JD: What about mine? AH: (corr.) They keep keeping- they keep tak- that's what I keep- I'm trying to say to you, literally in words out of my mouth, that's what I'm trying to say to you. Every step of the way, I have said to them, the thing is, they're hurting Johnny by this! Because every time that they call me a liar, or they say this is not true, or Stephen (corr.) says his text messages never actually happened (note: it sounds like she says "ne- actually", as in, she was going to say "never", then corrected herself to say "actually", but that doesn't really make sense)- or your security guards, which by the way was a follow up to your security guards saying they never saw abuse happening, the same security guards who by the way have said to me multiple times that I'm gonna get killed! (note: ending of Plt357F) And, once, on accident, I had the phone (corr.) (corr.) (censored/"fucking") recording out on the table - from one of our old fights when we're doing the thing where we record it - and we finished, walked away, whatever, (00:25:00) and I catch Jerry Judge on- (corr.) making calls after that. Which I didn't even know I had done - I had left my phone out on the table in the same room where we were having a fight, and then left the room, and then Jerry's on the phone! I mean, him saying that he did not acknowledge any physical violence - you have no idea how bad this is going to be for every single person that has come on the record. Now, there is record of now Jerry and Sean saying that, both of which I can prove heard, I mean acknowledged - JD: There's also Travis (corr.), there's Travis coming to get me. There's Travis having to come up and (corr.) (censored/"fucking") pull me away from you. AH: Yeah, but that's you saying that to Travis. That's different from Jerry Judge going on the record saying he never witnessed any violence, and then me having a phone conversation recorded of him saying exactly that, not to mention multiple times (corr.) where (?) they- And they'll have to do this under (note: beginning of Plt357G) oath, obviously, they're gonna have to say they didn't see it in front of me and other people that have heard them. JD: You're gonna have to do this under oath too, you know? AH: I will! Because the unfortunate part is, I can talk about all of this... [inaudible] (note: kinda sounds like "all this stuff"?) JD: Do you believe all this, Amber? Do you believe all this? AH: Yes, the fuck, yes, yes! JD: You believe... You believe I'm an abuser? AH: Yes! JD: You believe I'm an abuser? AH: Yes! If you look back and see (note: "If you look back and" is inaudible to me), in May, in December, in April... (note: ending of Plt357G) [inaudible] JD: Do you believe you're an abuser? Do you believe you abused me physically? AH: Do I (corr.) physically believe, I mean do I believe I physically abused you? JD: Yes. AH: Do you know I'm 115... well, not anymore, but I was a 115 pound-- (corr.) JD: That's-- AH: (corr.) - I'm a 115 pound woman and (corr.) you're (inaudible) I have the capacity to (corr.) abu- (note: the inaudible part kinda sounds like "six ad", which is obviously not what she said, but it made me think that maybe she said "you're suggesting", but it doesn't sound like that) JD: That's not the question, that's not the question. AH: I've never... Have I ever been able to knock you off of your feet? JD: You started - AH: Or off your balance? JD: You started these things. AH: Oh, you're gonna (corr.) really get up on the stand, Johnny, and say, "She started it!" Really? I have never been able to overpower you, that's the difference between me and you! (note: the beginning is a bit difficult to understand and to follow, but it does sound to me like there's a "really" before the "get up", you can hear it a bit better on half-speed) JD: Why did you try? AH: And that's (corr.) the difference, that the (note: "the" or "a"?) whole world and (corr.) that a jury and (corr.) that a judge will see, (corr.) it's a very- there's a very big difference between me and you! And all (corr.) of your- all the people that have come out and lied on your behalf, (corr.) that I can prove (corr.) have (corr.) (censored/"fucking") lied! Whether (corr.) it's via text messages, that can be authenticated by third party electronic forensics experts, or if it's audio, (corr.) if it's photos, there is so much evidence it blows- There is no reason (corr.), there is no reason that all this had to come out. But every step of the way, I mean, (corr.) you know, I didn't say anything about security not doing their job or doing their job, and they came out with it. That was a proac- You do not understand that. There was a proactive step, I had to respond. JD: You cannot automatically- you cannot think that it's just my side! You're (uncensored) fucking killing me, your (uncensored) fucking people are trying to kill me. You've turned me into a- (uncensored) (note: for some reason there's a short DM bleep after "a", but in the uncensored version you can hear that he doesn't say anything else there, very weird) My boy has to go to school (corr.), my boy goes to school and has kids go "so your (uncensored) fucking dad's a wife-beater?" You don't think about that Amber. (note: throughout this, you can occasionally hear Amber, but all I could make out was a "no" around the "you've turned me into" and "I'm" around the "your fucking dad's a wife beater?") AH: (corr.) You don't think- you don't think (corr.) that's (?) also my family, and all the death threats that me and every single person in my immediate (corr.) circle of friends and family is getting also matters? And you don't think I- (corr.) do you think I wanted- JD: Death threats? AH: Your people put this out! If you didn't want this out, (corr.) why did, why, why, why (corr.) did security go on the record and lie? (corr.) (inaudible) Why? That's a proactive measure! Then why did your divocre attorney get to file for divocre, period? At all? Second, why did she have to go and give it to TMZ? Why, if you wanted it (corr.) private, is TMZ being fed information literally by Laura Wasser and Marty Singer, every step of the way? [Inaudible] my arrest records? What's next in the media? The rumors that I was a stripper? Of course! Of course I can expect that next! I've known every step of the way, every single step of the way, everything you'd give 'em! You don't think I have to respond? JD: I'd give 'em? I'd give 'em? That's it. "I'd give 'em." AH: (corr.) I didn't- [inaudible] (note: I can also hear a "maybe I don't" in there) JD: I'll see you in court! No, I'll (uncensored) fucking see you in court! I will (uncensored) fucking see you in court! I never (uncensored) fucking said that. I never told anyone that. You (uncensored) fucking trusted me with that, and I've never (uncensored) fucking told anyone that. And you know what, Amber? AH: Thank you. JD: (corr.) This is my- no! This is me- this is me saying, I tried, and thank you, and I will see you in (uncensored) fucking court. You don't wanna (uncensored) fucking make nice nice? I'm trying, I'm trying, but you know what? I loved you for so many (uncensored) fucking years, but you know what? You didn't exist, you don't exist. You're not there, you're not there. You were a (uncensored) fucking made-up thing in my head, and I (corr.) f-- (corr.) AH: Stop. JD: I can't believe -- (corr.) AH: Stop. JD: -- you're doing this to me. AH: Stop! JD: I can't believe it. (00:30:00) AH: There's no need to be cruel on top of it. JD: You've been nothing but cruel, and I am going to court with you. AH: I'm just sitting here defending myself, and it makes you so angry! Stop! JD: You have not let up, you keep blaming... no, what you just said... AH: I'm just defending myself! I'm defending myself! JD: What you just said to me... AH: I'm defending myself! JD: What you just said to me... AH: I'm defending myself! JD: You're defending yourself against me about something I didn't (uncensored) fucking do, and I'm not gonna fight with you because I know this (uncensored) shit lasts forever. AH: I didn't say you did it, I said I can expect it next! I am defending myself. JD: Excuse me, I'll be right- AH: I am defending myself! JD: Excuse me, I- AH: I'm defending myself to you on the phone right now and you're attacking me! JD: Excuse me (corr.), I'll be right back. AH: (corr.) Saying cruel things to me on top of it! JD: (corr.) Would y- Can you give me one minute, please? May I have one minute please? I'll be right back.

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July 21/22, 2016
Thursday/Friday

times based on metadata2go (Def586: 12:52:21 (UTC-7), 20:38:21 (UTC+0), Plt1229/Def587: 14:48:03 (UTC-7), 22:14:47 (UTC+0)) and the portions of the recording

Def586:
beginning of full recording: 12:52:21 pm (UTC-7)
ending of full recording: 01:38:21 pm (UTC-7)

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2016-07-21 12:59:56 pm (UTC-7) to 01:00:41 pm (UTC-7)		00:07:35 - 00:08:20	m4a mp3	Def586 B+A combined txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Def586B --------------- San Francisco Day 01
2016-07-21 01:24:31 pm (UTC-7) to 01:30:26 pm (UTC-7)		00:32:10 - 00:38:05	m4a mp3	Def586 B+A combined txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Def586A --------------- San Francisco Day 01 / "cut me"
2016-07-22 02:48:03 pm (UTC-7) to 03:14:47 pm (UTC-7)			m4a mp3	txt transcribed by serpentineeyelash	Plt1229 (= Def587) --------------- San Francisco Day 02

unofficial transcript for Def586B + A
(corrected & partially corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

Def586 B (00.07.35 - 00.08.20) - corrected JD: That's not what I'm thinking. (note: this is completely inaudible to me, ending maaaybe with "last time"? I don't know.) AH: Well yes, you do, because you wouldn't have used that as a way to hit me. I was holding (note: "holding"? "throwing"?) my arm out to you and what did you do? "Let me get, let me get a stab in here." JD: No. AH: That's what you saw, huh? You listen to me cry and you're like, "now I can get her." Is that what you think? Or you just do it without thinking? You do it without thinking, huh? JD: [inaudible] AH: You don't? Get a stab in when you can. JD: [inaudible] AH: You throw a swing when you can. And what way better than when I'm on the floor, 'cause that's when it's really good to hit someone. (note: "way" is inaudible to me) JD: [inaudible] [Sometime later, or possibly earlier based on the provided timestamps, about 24 minutes later:] Def586 B (00.32.10 - 00.38.05) - partially corrected (note: 20 seconds in and I was already exhausted, "Is it 'go on' or is it 'wanna'? Is it 'life' or is it 'knife'"?, so I decided, for the rest of this recording, to only listen once and to only correct mistakes that were in my opinion important, immediately noticeable and where I was sure that it's wrong and sure about what was correct. So instead of "inaudible to me" & "I can't tell if" notes, I just left whatever I was unsure about, and if there were minor mistakes, like missing "like"s or stuff, I left them as well. Maybe at some point later I'll go back and do it properly, but this was one of the last recordings/transcripts I was going through and at the moment I just can't deal with the inaudibility, the noises, the whispering and the yelling and the both figurative and literal headaches the recordings have been giving me anymore. I'm sorry.) JD: [inaudible] AH: I'm doing just fine. [Someone's phone rings.] AH: If that was the problem, it's my fault. JD: [inaudible] Cut me. (corr.) (inaudible, possibly something ending with "fucking knife"?) Cut me. AH: Hmm? JD: Go on, cut me. You wanna see some shit? Go on. You want my life. Come on. That's all I want you to do, 'cause we're done. [Clattering noises, presumably involving the knife.] AH: Mm-hm. JD: Cut me, wherever you want. Go on, cut me. AH: This is really pretty. JD: Thanks. You want to cut me somewhere? AH: Do I want to cut you? JD: Yeah. You want my arm, you want my chest? What do you want? Where do you want the scar? Go on, cut me. AH: Just don't cut your skin. Please do not cut your skin. Please don't. JD: Cut me. AH: Why would I do that? JD: It's easy. AH: Don't. Please do not do that, please do not do that. Please don't. Please don't cut yourself. You don't need to cut yourself. JD: I need to do what I want. AH: I know. I know it hurts. I feel the same way. JD: Cut me. I want your mark. AH: It'll hurt. JD: No you won't. AH: [inaudible] JD: Get going. [Someone knocks on the door.] JD: No thank you, no thank you, there's sperm on the pillows! AH: [laughs] JD: Cut me. If you don't, I will. Cut me. (corr.) Eliot Spitzer won't ask for this, 'cause he's a fucking conservative prick. AH: Don't, don't! JD: Cut! AH: Please don't! JD: Cut! AH: Don't, don't cut yourself! Please don't cut yourself. JD: Cut! AH: Please, don't cut yourself. Please, I know it hurts. JD: You're doing it. AH: I would never cut you. JD: Cut me. AH: I would never do that to you. Please don't. JD: Cut me. Come on, pussy. AH: I'm a pussy? JD: Yeah, you fucking hate me. Come on, cut me. AH: (corr.) Do me first. JD: (corr.) Not a problem. Where do you want it? AH: Not on my arms. JD: Not on your arms? Not on your arms? You want to be cut? Do you? Is this gonna go to court? [inaudible] AH: The knife is really dull. JD: We'll have to use a sharp (corr.) part. AH: Don't do that. (corr.) JD: Okay. AH: Don't, don't, don't, don't. JD: Don't you tell me. AH: Please don't do that. JD: Don't tell me. AH: Put - put the knife down! JD: Don't tell me AH: Just put the fucking knife down! Don't do that. Do not do that, Johnny. Please, you're gonna - JD: I wanna look at you. AH: Please, you're gonna hurt yourself. JD: I wanna look at you. AH: I know you're in pain, but stop. Please stop. JD: There's a way for the pain to go away. AH: No it's not. It's not that. It doesn't make it go away, trust me. JD: You don't fucking know. AH: I do know. It doesn't make it go away. JD: Really? AH: Did it make it go away? JD: Yeah. AH: It did? Please don't. Please do not do it, okay? [It sounds like the knife is thrown aside.] AH: There's love here. There is love here. JD: No, there's not. AH: There's love here. I wouldn't be here. I have no other reason to be. JD: You don't love me. (note: I don't hear him say anything at all.) AH: Listen, can we stop playing games? And stop fucking with each other, please? Please, can you hug me? Just hug me or something. JD: Come here. [Unknown noises.] AH: That knife is really dull, and it would be the worst thing in the world to use to cut me with. JD: Not on top. AH: It would be too painful and dull and dirty to use to- JD: Yeah, that's the tip of the knife. The tip of the knife. AH: Right? It's pretty- JD: I can probably still cut- AH: No, no, please do not. Do not. Don't, don't, don't. You're gonna hurt yourself. Don't! See? It's okay. Please don't cut yourself. Please don't, please stop, please stop, please. [JD is doing something.] AH: Don't, don't hurt yourself, please. Stop, please. JD: No, won't hurt myself at all. [It sounds like the knife is thrown aside again.]

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unofficial transcript for Plt1229
(corrected)
(click to expand)

transcribed by serpentineeyelash

(note: I added timestamps every 5 minutes.) JD: It's alright, Amber. It's alright. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. AH: Is that what they're telling you to say? JD: No. I'm saying I'm sorry, because you're - you're always right. AH: I was sitting on the couch. JD: 'Cause you're always right. You're always right. AH: Okay. So are you. JD on phone: Listen. This seems to be going just fucking great, [inaudible] (note: "Collins"?), we're doing so well. Um, call the dogs off. Just call the dogs off -- AH: Thank you. JD on phone: -- you know? And let's see what we can work out here. AH: Thank you. JD on phone: This doesn't seem promising, but- AH: They're manipulating. All the lawyers are manipulating you. JD on phone: Yeah, I'll have (corr.) -- I'll have a look and I'll show her. Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: Okay, okay, alright. Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: Uh-huh. Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: Uh, you wanna forward it? Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: I'll forward it. I'll forward it to her. I'll forward it to her so she can work on it. Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: I've tried to say that, it just doesn't - Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: For her - they've - they've got her fucking brainwashed. Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD on phone: Listen man, listen, if the cops bust in here - AH: They're not going to! JD: Well, they're cops. AH: They're not going to! JD: Uh, they will if your attorneys-- AH: They're not (corr.) go-- JD: -- find out I'm breaking the restraining order. (corr.) AH: My attorneys know -- JD: [inaudible] AH: My attorneys know that you are here. They have known for over 24 hours. JD: Mm-hm. AH: Okay? JD: Yeah. AH: If they wanted to call the cops, not only would they lose me as their client, but - JD: I don't- AH: Yes they would. JD: [inaudible] (note: sounds to me like "I'm not sure.") AH: I would fire them. JD: I don't think so. AH: Yes I would. JD: Okay. AH: Do you doubt me? JD: Yeah. AH: Okay. Well, then why am I here at all? Lawyer on phone: [inaudible] JD: What are you gonna do, start with another attorney? (note: "another" sounds like "the other" to me, but I feel like "another" would make more sense) AH: Yeah. I would not allow my attorneys to do that to you. They would lose their client, and also they could have already done that. JD: You wouldn't allow your attorneys to do that to me? AH: I would - JD: But you did allow them to do - AH: Alright, fine. Keep talking to your lawyers. This is going really good - you having them whisper in your ear while talking to your wife. Ex-wife. (note: "you" before "having them" sounds more like "but" to me, but I'm not sure.) JD: [inaudible], but I mean- AH: No, (corr.) I mean it's going really well! I think our conversations have definitely improved now that you have them in your ear. I'm telling you that there are no cops here. You've done more illegal drugs in this room that should be way, way, way, way more concerning to you, -- (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: -- if you're all Mr Law all of a sudden! I mean, can you give me the bag of cocaine that you just took into the bathroom about an hour ago? You don't think that that is illegal? That's illegal, Johnny! Do you think, if you're so worried about the law -? JD: You're looking out for me then? (note: "you're" is inaudible to me, "looking" sounds more like "look" to me) AH: Yeah, exactly! Exactly! Why are you worrying about the cops? No, you're not fucking worried about the cops! And my lawyers are certainly not - they could have called the cops yesterday when we met all day yesterday, but they didn't! JD: I'm worried that - AH: They didn't! They didn't! Did they call the cops? JD: [inaudible] AH: Can your lawyers hear me now? Did they call the cops? No! They didn't! JD: I think they can hear you pretty well. AH: Good! No one called the cops yesterday! And no one called the cops today! JD: Can you stop being so irrational? AH: How is it irrational? I am speaking very rationally! If you're worried about legality, if you're worried about your legal, your liability, right, then you would not have a pound - or whatever - a pound of cocaine in your bag! And if you're worried about my lawyers- JD: You don't know about the cocaine in my bag. (note: "You don't know about the" is inaudible to me) AH: I don't know how much you have! JD: And you shouldn't. AH: Exactly! But if my lawyers wanted to call the cops, they could have done it yesterday. How is that not a rational statement? JD: I think your delivery is maybe a bit irrational. AH: (corr.) Oh... Yeah, my delivery is unpleasant, but my delivery has nothing to do with the context of what I'm saying. JD: Your delivery might - AH: Be harsh? JD: ... just (corr.) spur another fight. Is that what you want, another fight? AH: Oh? It can't be the words that you say? JD: We cannot be in the same fucking room together. AH: Hence why we're getting divorced. (00:05:00) JD: I'm hanging up, I'm leaving... [It sounds like a door closes or something, because JD's voice gets a bit fainter for a bit.] JD on phone: I don't know what this fucking girl is doing. But her attorneys are obviously fucking incompetent angels, and are (note: "are" sounds like "I'm" to me?) just really looking out for her best needs, and they don't want to drag this out at all for money. AH: I keep saying, they wanna end it! JD on phone: They don't wanna fucking sue Johnny Depp. AH: We all wanna end it. We all wanna end it, Johnny Depp! We all wanna end it. JD: Stop! I'm talking! AH: We all wanna end this. JD: I - am - talking. AH: You're the one who won't end it. JD: Oh really? AH: Yes. JD: I'm the one who won't end it? You want me to put you back on the phone with these guys? Or you just don't wanna talk to them again? AH: I don't think it's prudent. JD: You don't think it's prudent? (corr:) That's a very good George Bush word. (inaudible) Alright, I'll speak to you guys later. I gotta (corr.) do a sound check and all that shit, but [inaudible] to April and Michelle. (note: everything after "all that shit" is inaudible to me) Alright? Speak to you guys in a minute. (inaudible) did. (note: unofficial transcript says "There's no need to speak to me like she did.", but that's definitely not what he said. Beginning kinda sounds like "Last time you speak to") Alright, bye girls, thank you, love you. (corr.) Thanks. (note: short pause after hanging up the phone) JD: Wow. You've got such vitriol. AH: I don't, I love you. JD: Yes you do, and you don't know it. (note: this is inaudible to me) AH: Why do you hate me so much? Why is - why do you hate me so much? Why do you hate me so much? JD: You trashed me last night. (note: "trashed me" is inaudible to me, kinda sounds like "you're depressed from last night"?) AH: All yesterday, all - JD: You have trashed me the last three (corr.) and a half months. (note: again, I don't hear "trashed me", sounds like "you're depressed from the last three and a half months") AH: Why do you hate me so much? JD: Read it. AH: (corr.) You allowed me to be called (note: very difficult to understand, unofficial transcript says "You've likely been called" but I do believe she says "You allowed me to be called") equally terrible names by half the world as well, and yet I'm here because I love you. And this is how you wanna end this meeting? You asked me to sit down and stay. JD: 'Course I want to end this meeting. (note: "'Course I want to" is inaudible to me) You were fucking screeching while my attorneys were on the phone. (note: "screeching" is inaudible to me) AH: (corr.) Well, and you said sit down! You said sit down, I sat down! JD: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. AH: I wanted - I thought you were calling to say to them "call the dogs off", and it doesn't sound like that's what you did. JD: I said the words! "Call the dogs off." AH: Okay. JD: "Call the dogs off." I can't use Marty Singer any more. AH: I - yeah, you shouldn't (corr.), he's fucking crooked. JD: Is he crooked? How'd you find that out? AH: I knew it before anyway. JD: You knew it before anyway? AH: He's fucked up. JD: He's fucked up? Because why, (corr.) he found Whitney selling shit to People magazine? AH: He didn't find it. I mean, well, I don't know. I don't know. He didn't find it. I mean, um, remember - (corr.) JD: (inaudible, kinda sounds like "Like what?") AH: -- we couldn't - we couldn't find out who did. Remember? We tried to find it? JD: No, we knew who did it. AH: Um, are you talking about (corr.) with, uh-? JD: Whitney, when she sold our fucking wedding off to People magazine. AH: Oh. JD: She admitted to it. AH: (corr.) Yeah, but she didn't sell it to (corr.) Pe- she, no, she didn't admit it to People - she did not admit to selling anything. JD: She admitted to us. She's not gonna admit to selling it? AH: I don't wanna fight about everything. (corr.) God, can we fight about one less thing, please? Please? JD: Hey man, -- AH: Can (corr.) we sit down? JD: -- I love you so much. AH: (corr.) Can we sit down? JD: (corr.) Motherfucker. You have - Did I fucking scream when your goddamn attorney was on the phone? Would you like me to fucking scream while your attorney's on the phone? I'd like to. But I didn't. But you did. AH: I'm sorry. Yeah, but - JD: Thanks for your sorry. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) Maybe I have been screaming. (note: some sources say "You had been screaming", but I think "Maybe I" is correct) It's like, somehow the end-all be-all of some (note: "of some" is inaudible to me) sort of offensive thing. You can (note: some sources say "can't", I wasn't sure, but see note below) throw a punch but yet screaming is okay, you can headbutt somebody (note: some sources say "somebody who's") screaming, but don't scream, huh? (note: I'm sorry, that whole last sentence doesn't make sense to me. Just by listening, I can't tell whether she says "can" or "can't", but let's say she says "can", so JD can throw a punch, but screaming is okay (this alone already makes no sense to me with the "but"), and he can headbutt somebody who is screaming, but he doesn't scream. But, again, screaming is okay? What? I'm genuinely trying to understand what she's trying to say here. And if she says "can't", it's "you can't throw a punch, but screaming is okay, you can headbutt, but don't scream", which makes no sense to me, either, especially in this context. So, taking everything into account, the only way that what she's saying would make sense to me is if she said "screaming isn't okay" (as in, JD thinks screaming isn't okay, as he complained about her screaming). But I've listened to this part over and over again and it's a clear "is okay". And that just doesn't make sense when you look at the whole thing: JD complains that she was screaming and points out that he didn't. So she's like "So what?! Maybe I was, why is that such a big offense? You can throw a punch, but screaming isn't okay? You can headbutt someone, but you don't scream? Good for you!", you know? So maybe she meant to say "isn't", I don't know. Anyway, sorry for rambling.) JD: I headbutted you in the fucking-- AH: I couldn't believe you did that. JD: -- forehead. AH: (corr.) Y-, y- - JD: That doesn't break a nose. AH: I don't know if you were aware. (note: I can't tell what she says at the end here, but it doesn't sound like "were aware" to me. In the trial transcript for Day 8 it was transcribed as "I don't know if you realiz", which I don't think is correct, either, but sounds closer than "were aware") I don't think you did. I don't think you broke it. JD: Don't think I broke i-? I didn't touch it! AH: Oh please, you didn't touch it? You don't know. JD: There's nothing wrong with your nose. (note: something is off here, I believe it starts with "Nothing's wrong" instead of "There's nothing wrong") AH: Just like you didn't throw a phone at my face, right? You don't know. JD: I didn't throw a phone at your face. (corr.) AH: You're - JD: You know what? AH: You're - you're delusional. JD: You know what? Here's the deal: we are never gonna settle this. We're never gonna settle this. Because you are too fucking stubborn, and you are too full of yourself, to fucking make it work. AH: I need to change my f--. JD: And we can never make it work. AH: I need to change my flight, okay? JD: We will never ever fucking - we're done. I gotta go, so- AH: I have to leave too. (00:10:00) JD: Goodbye. (corr.) (inaudible) You've fucking... wasted my time. You've wasted my fucking life! (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: No (corr.)! AH: May I have a hug? JD: No, your fucking hug? Get it from Eliot Spitzer, (corr.) whoever that fucking tit is. AH: You get it from Rochelle. JD: I will. AH: Can I have a hug? JD: (corr.) No! (note: transcript says "Enough!", which is also possible, but I think it's "No!") [There are some smashing sounds in this part, but it sounds like JD is putting things down heavily rather than throwing things.] AH: Please, can I have a hug? JD: No! AH: I love you. JD: (corr.) You love me? AH: I do love you. JD: Yeah, you're showing it real well. AH: I miss (corr.) - I love you, and I miss you. JD: You love something. AH: And remember when we talked yesterday, about this? (note: I'm not sure about the "this") JD: I don't know what you fucking love. But you don't fucking love me. AH: But I used- I used to love you so much. JD: Yeah, used to. You know what? (note: I'm not sure about the "yeah", it sounds like it ends on "-et", like "yet" or "get", thought maybe he said "get used to it", but I don't hear an "it", so, I don't know, might just be "yeah") AH: I loved you so much. (note: I'm not sure if she says "love" or "loved" and due to the noise I can't tell if she says something between "you" and "so" or if she paused) JD: Well, keep it in past tense, kid. Call it, write it off as a mistake. AH: I love you. I don't think it was a mistake. (note: "I don't think it was" is inaudible to me) JD: I'm a mistake. AH: I'm sorry. JD: [inaudible] AH: Well, do you like this? Is this how you want it to end? JD: I don't want this. I don't want it. AH: Is this how you want it to end? I don't understand, is this what you want? JD: No. Oh no, a hug will save it all. All this, everything (corr.) we've just been through! AH: Please babe! I don't know! (corr.) I just- I don't know! I just wanted - I just wanted - I just wanted to touch you! Seriously, it's - JD: Really, after all the shit you just said? AH: Yes, I just wanted to give you a hug. I just - JD: After all the shit you fucking accused me of, you wanna touch me? AH: Yes, yes, please, please stop, please! JD: You're fucking nuts. AH: Please stop! JD: You're fucking nuts. AH: Please, I just wanted to hug you and say bye. I didn't want it to end bad. JD: Oh, there is no chance of that. We did that last night, it was fine. That was good enough. AH: I don't know what else to say. (note: I'm not entirely sure about this.) JD: No, 'cause I'm nothing to you, and I will always be nothing to you. AH: (corr.) (inaudible, something with "need to be"?) can we just- calm! Calm (corr.) (inaudible), please. (note: transcript says "Calm down, baby, please.", I don't hear "down, baby", I can't tell what she says there, but it's definitely not that) JD: What? You're not my shrink. AH: Please. Please, put your hand on my heart. Please just feel my heart, please. JD: No. AH: Please. JD: No, deal with your own fucking heart! AH: Please, I need to know if we'll ever see each other again, please. (note: "see each other" is pretty much the only thing I can understand here) JD: No, we'll never see each other again. We will nev- don't take my fucking glasses off. AH: Please, please. JD: You don't like fucking looking at not my fucking eyes? You will not see my eyes again. (corr.) AH: Okay, okay, okay. [Possible cut in the audio?] (note: I'm not sure what would suggest that there might have been a cut here?) JD: (corr.) (inaudible, something with "thanks" or "things" or "thinks"?) Touch me (corr.) again, great. Touch me. You like that? You feel my heart? You do? (corr.) It's a little wound up, maybe? Is it? Is it slightly wound up? Is it? AH: Please, I love you. And I miss you. JD: Your heart's too [inaudible] to love me. AH: Please. (note: not sure about this, to me it kinda sounds like "My heart bleeds you"?) JD: No. AH: Please, just love me. JD: You don't love me. (corr.) I don't think you ever did. AH: Please, (corr.) (inaudible, kinda sounds like "come back" to me, but I'm not sure that would make sense). JD: (corr.) I don't think you ever did. AH: Please. I don't want this to be the last (corr.) (inaudible, maybe something along the lines of "we ever see of each other"?) Plea- we see- (note: transcript says "Please. I don't want this to be the last place we ever meet. Please, please.") JD: I had the worst of the last (corr.) of ever seeing you. / I've ever seen you. (?) (note: transcript says "I had the worst of the last place to meet.") AH: Are you just trying to hurt me, now? Is it 'cause I won't go-- JD: Why are you trying to hurt me? JD: -- to (corr.) the sound check? JD: (corr.) N- no. I don't want you at my sound (corr.) check. I don't want you at my show. AH: [inaudible] JD: Why? AH: [inaudible] I'm sorry. I don't know why I love you. I want to know if you love me, 'cause I don't know if you do. (note: all of this is inaudible to me, except for a few words here and there and "I don't know if you do.") JD: Maybe in about twenty years, we'll see what we can do. (note: "we'll see what we can" is inaudible to me) AH: Can you take off your glasses for me? [inaudible] (note: "you take off your" is inaudible to me, also, I think I can hear something like "promise" at the end) JD: What, you want in again? (note: this is inaudible to me, to me it kinda sounds like "do you want these?", I don't know) AH: I don't know if you know, but I came over here to get you back. (note: "I came over here to" is inaudible to me) JD: How can you get me back? What about this divorce? We're going through a divorce. We're gonna be divorced. (note: "How can you get" and "What about this" are inaudible to me) AH: We've been through way worse. I love you. JD: No. AH: How can - How can you kill the love in me? Look, I want a hug. We can do even more, not in front of lawyers, by the way. If the guy saw you change last - (note: not sure about the beginning, "Look, I want a hug." sounds to me like "Look, I don't- we don't have", something is off with "do even", is there a word in between? Also not sure about the "by the way" and "If the guy saw you change last") JD: [inaudible] (note: kinda sounds like "So do I" to me) AH: Why? Why? Come back, I'm having a heart attack. Please. (note: the "Why? Why? Come back" is inaudible to me, and it sounds like JD says "please" at the same time) JD: Just leave. AH: Please. Okay. It's okay. It's okay, right? JD: Sure. [Inaudible] (00:15:00) AH: I don't know how to not be with you. That's why I came over here. JD: Maybe you can still find it. (corr.) (inaudible) Eliot Spitzer (corr.) (inaudible) fucking (inaudible) mouthful. (note: "you still find it", "used to finally", I don't know, that whole first sentence is inaudible to me, then the transcript says "What about Elliot Spitzer? You can go fuck him. I'm too old for you.", I can't tell what he actually says, but it's not that) AH: (corr.) I don't wanna bring up Rochelle. (inaudible) every time, if you (corr.) (inaudible). (note: transcript says "I'll come along every time, if you be with me.", but that's definitely not what she said) JD: (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "It's not about the show.", which wouldn't make sense. I can't tell what he says, but to me it sounds like "Let's talk about ourselves.", I don't know.) AH: [inaudible] (corr.) Rochelle (inaudible) problem right now. JD: (corr.) She's not my problem. AH: We have to [inaudible]. (note: all I can hear is "we have" and potentially "proof" at the end?) [Inaudible] (note: it sounds like JD at some point says "love you" AH: Do you wanna be with me ever again, do you wanna be? (note: "do you wanna be"? "do you want me"? "do you love me"?) JD: I love you (corr.) so much. AH: Do you (corr.) need me like I need you? JD: Yeah. But I needed - I needed the Roxys too. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "It will be hard for you.", but I don't hear that, can't tell what she says, but the last word sounds like "through" to me.) JD: I need the Roxys now. (note: not sure about this) (corr.) (inaudible) AH: I feel like I'm gonna (corr.) die. Am I gonna die with you or die without you? JD: No. You're having fun. (note: not sure about "you're", maybe "you've been"?) AH: Stop. (corr.) Shut up. (?) It's not true, and you know it. I don't see how you think I'm having fun, 'cause I (corr.)'ve seen pictures of you having a great time. I (corr.) love you, and you know it. (note: "I don't see how you think" is inaudible to me, kinda sounds like "that's the only thing" to me) JD: I wasn't having a great time. AH: You (corr.) - JD: Onstage? AH: No, I meant not just onstage. Backstage, at bars, smiling at people, girls, all of this stuff, like - JD: I've gotta come out. AH: You've been in nightclubs, you know. JD: I've gotta come out of this, man. (note: "this" sounds like "course" to me and there seems to be a short word between "of" and that, like "out of it course" or "out of a course", so I have no clue what he's actually saying, as none of this would make sense) AH: (corr.) It's alright, it's okay with me, it's fine [inaudible] (note: maybe "but, you know"?) I love you. JD: Do you? (note: this is inaudible to me, but definitely longer than that) AH: I love you. I love you. JD: [inaudible] (note: seems to end with "you") AH: Why can't you admit that? (note: "why can't" is inaudible to me, can't be sure about the rest) JD: [inaudible] (note: the last word kinda sounds like "together" to me) AH: You (corr.) (inaudible). (note: transcript says "You love me.", I can't tell what she says, but it doesn't sound at all like "love me" to me, more like "wouldn't like that") JD: (corr.) (inaudible) (corr.) AH: Okay. (corr.) JD: (inaudible) AH: Do you love me? JD: Yeah. Of course I do. AH: Do you still love me? JD: Yes. AH: You still love me? JD: That's right. AH: I don't care what the lawyers say. I will love you- (note: I'm not sure about the "will love", kinda sounds like "won't leave" to me, but that wouldn't make much sense) JD: Stop the proceeding, then. AH: I can't. JD: (corr.) You want a divorce? AH: I don't know. JD: Let's get a divorce. AH: But if you don't want it? JD: If you said "I don't know", that means "let's get a divorce". AH: That means I don't know if we should have one. JD: [inaudible] AH: What do you think? JD: Get a divorce. AH: But what do you think we should do? (corr.) So you're a hundred percent, or fifty percent? JD: I'm a hundred percent. AH: That we should? JD: (corr.) Yes. AH: I came here to ask you that question. (note: everything except for "question" is inaudible to me) JD: It (note: "it"? "that"?) doesn't mean we can't see each other. AH: Okay. JD: No, I mean, if you don't- AH: (corr.) So then why did you say "stop the proceeding"? JD: If you don't turn around the divorce- (note: "the divorce" is inaudible to me) AH: [inaudible] JD: ... get rid of that temporary restraining order- (note: "get rid of that" is inaudible to me) AH: You're right. (corr.) JD: No. AH: You want a divorce. JD: Nobody's telling me. (note: "me"? "you"?) AH: No, you told me. JD: We're on the road. AH: You told me (corr.) what you wanted, you want a divorce, (corr.) so that's what I came to figure out. JD: You're not gonna call your lawyers and say "stop the process, I don't (corr.) want a divorce". You're not gonna do that. AH: (corr.) (inaudible) (note: transcript says "No one is", but I'm sure that's not what she's saying, what I'm hearing is something like "you know, I used to"), not if - especially if you don't. (note: "if you don't" is inaudible to me) If you- JD: Okay, I don't want a fucking divorce. (note: I don't hear "fucking", but there's a very short pause and it almost sounds like he's censoring himself there, it's very weird) AH: You don't? (corr.) JD: No. AH: (corr.) How- Which one i-? How do I know (corr.) which one it is? JD: I don't want a divorce. I never wanted a fucking divorce. AH: Really? JD: I never wanted a divorce. I didn't want you to fucking go to Coachella without fucking talking to me - AH: Really? Why didn't you just say? (note: "say" is inaudible to me) JD: -- because I left you because you were -- AH: You what? JD: -- fucking - You fucking haymakered me, man, you came around the bed and fucking started punching on me. (note: not sure if "and fucking started" or "to fucking start") AH: I'm so sorry. I'm so sad. (corr.) JD: Why?! AH: I love you so much, Johnny. (corr.) So much. JD: I love you. I got down on my knees telling you, I love you. (note: "I got down on my knees telling you" is inaudible to me except for "I" and "knees") I've done nothing but lift my broken fucking heart, (corr.) a broken fucking heart, from the one person (corr.) that I (corr.) loved and I trusted. And I gave - AH: (corr.) "Loved" in past tense. In past tense. JD: -- and I gave - I- I'm talking about then. I gave you everything I could give you. AH: [sobs] JD: I did everything I could do to make you happy. It wasn't enough. AH: [sobs] JD: You don't want to be happy. You're mad. AH: I wanted to be! I wanted you! (note: not entirely sure about "I wanted to be", to me it sounds like she's saying "I wanted you" twice) I just - I wanted to come over and say these things, and I wanted to be able to talk to you. (note: everything after "I wanted to come" is inaudible to me) And I thought you'd be clean and sober and it would fix all of our problems. JD: I'm never getting clean and sober. AH: I know. And we'll have so many more problems, we'll be apart. (note: the only part I'm sure about in this second sentence is "so many more problems") JD: Well, we can deal with them or not. (00:20:00) AH: Like, yesterday, (corr.) like (inaudible), our conversations were going so much better. And then - and they've deteriorated, like today, they got so bad today. And they would have - JD: I woke up beautifully. AH: And then this morning - JD: I woke up beautifully. AH: When you (corr.)'re using drink, then the harder it can get, you know? JD: Hmm? AH: The harder it is, when you're using drink, like with today, how much more fucking down and violent and sideways it is! (note: not sure about "down", kinda sounds like "town", which is obviously not correct, maybe "tough", or maybe it just sounds weird on the recording, don't know) JD: No, no, no, you have no understanding about that. You really, really, -- (corr.) AH: No? (?) JD: --really are naïve. AH: I am? JD: You are. Because the booze- AH: But I do love you. JD: Booze does not make me - AH: But I do love you. JD: Booze does not make me crazy. AH: (corr.) I do love you. JD: Drugs do not make me crazy. AH: (corr.) I do love you. JD: I have the innards of a fucking battleship. (note: not sure about "innards", especially with the pronunciation, kinda sounds like "guards" to me, but I don't know) AH: I know, I know. JD: And here's the deal -- AH: But it got so much worse today once you - JD: -- You make me crazy. AH: No, I'm sure. JD: And the reason (corr.) that I drank so much - you go "Why do you drink so much? Why do you drink all (corr.) the time? And why do you -- (corr.) AH: (inaudible) JD: -- do this? Why do you do that?" It was because of -- AH: Me? JD: -- you, yes. AH: It's my fault that you drink? Okay. JD: It's not your fault. It's just that's why I did it. AH: But - it got so much worse when - JD: Because I couldn't stand the fucking haranguing at all times. AH: The - the - the convers- JD: Anything you could say to me- AH: But today, I didn't harangue you today about it, but you're still drinking nonetheless. JD: Anything, you could harangue me about. Anything, you can make me feel smaller about. AH: I mean - I mean - (corr.) (inaudible) - I don't want - JD: (corr.) (inaudible, possibly also "smaller") Smaller. AH: I don't want you to keep fighting with me about everything I did wrong in the relationship. I know I did - JD: You don't even like my (corr.) cock. AH: I know you. I don't want you to say - JD: You don't even like my (corr.) cock. AH: I don't wanna fight! You wanna fight! This is the - that's the thing I'm talking about, is that you say you don't wanna fight, but you (corr.) (inaudble) this! (note: transcript says "won't look at this", I can only hear "(inaudible) look this", maybe "overlook"?) I'm saying nothing but "I love you, and how do we solve this, how do we fix this?" And all you're doing is picking apart things that we've said, nitpicking things you do wrong. All you're doing is throwing blame at me. JD: I'm sorry. AH: "You did this, you did that." JD: I'm sorry that my mind works that way. AH: Stop it! JD: But you did say last night - AH: But stop it! JD: You did - AH: Stop it! JD: -- say - AH: Stop the blame! JD: -- last night- AH: Stop the nitpicking! JD: (corr.) Why? AH: Stop the fighting! JD: Admit what you said! AH: I don't wanna fight! I don't wanna fight with you! JD: Admit what you said! AH: I don't wanna fight with you! JD: Admit what you said! AH: I don't wanna fight with you! JD: Admit what you said! AH: I don't wanna fight with you! JD: Admit - AH: I don't wanna fight with you! I was telling you I love you, it's all you used to fight! (note: something is wrong with the "all you used to", what I hear is "all I- (inaudible) used to fight") JD: It's not a fight. AH: I'm not gonna fight with you about a fight! JD: It's not a fight. AH: I'm not gonna fight with you! JD: Admit what you said. AH: I'm not going to fight with you! All I can say is "I love you." JD: You can't do it. AH: All I'm gonna say is "I love you." JD: 'Cause you can't (corr.) do it. AH: All I'm gonna do is say "I love you." JD: 'Cause you're a pussy. 'Cause you can't say - AH: All I'm gonna do is say "I love you." JD: You can't admit what you said last night. AH: All I'm gonna do is say "I love you." All I'm gonna do is say, "I love you", and I don't and will not-- (corr.) JD: But you're not (inaudible). (?) AH: -- sit there and argue with you about the - the minutia of one of the million fights we had, one of the lines of a million. Do you think I'm pulling out things you said to me last night, right now? No! Because it's worthless! In the big picture, (corr.) the big scheme of things, it does nothing but hurt us! And why? Because the coke and booze doesn't make it easier for you to see how clearly that it -- JD: You gotta stop. AH: -- you (corr.) don't think - JD: You gotta stop with the coke and booze, -- (corr.) AH: All - all the coke -- JD: -- 'cause you're wrong. AH: All the coke you've done today, and all the booze you've drank today - JD: By the way - AH: Has it helped you? JD: I just got it. AH: Has it helped us? JD: I just got the coke - AH: Has it helped us? JD: ... today. AH: Yeah, I know, because la- yesterday, you were a thousand times better. JD: Right. AH: Yesterday, did we get where we are in this? (note: I don't hear an "are", so I'm not sure what she's saying here, "did we get- were we in this"? I don't know.) No. Yesterday, did you think it was important to fight about (corr.) the minutia of one line of one of our million of a - you (corr.)'re not even listening. You have -- JD: Yesterday, I-- AH: -- checked out. JD: -- didn't know about Eliot Spitzer. AH: Let's - Yesterday, you were fine. JD: And that makes me so sick. AH: Even then, even then. JD: So sick. AH: But you're fucking Rochelle. Hypocrite. JD: Uh, have a look at her. AH: Hypocrite. Hypocrite. JD: Have a look at her, and have a look at him. AH: Hypocrite. Hypocrite. Hypocrite. JD: Hypocrite? Get out. AH: I'm getting out. You're a hypocrite. You're fucking Rochelle, and you're giving me shit? JD: (corr.) Hypocrite? Hypocrite? Hypocrite? You're a fucking - you are a leftover fucking over-the-hill stripper, and that's all you'll ever be. (corr.) And this industry? (corr.) (inaudible) all you've done, I can't clear that. You're recording? AH: (corr.) Yeah, I am. Go. JD: Hi, I'd like to say hello to David and Paige, and say that, uh, I love you, and um, I'm sorry this didn't work.

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July ??, 2019

I'm unclear on the exact date, because according to Amber Heard WS05 pg 19, she and Laura met shortly after Laura's declaration "had appeared in the media in July 2019", listing an article dated July 15 as an example. I couldn't find any earlier articles, so based on this, the meeting and the recording of it would have happened after this.

However, Laura sent Amber a text on July 16 which says "There was not a lie in anything I told you last week." (UK09//1469). So assuming that she is referring to the meeting (and according to NGN CS page 15, §48 she was indeed confirming "that what she had told Ms Heard in the recorded conversation had been true"), and July 16 being a Tuesday, this would mean the meeting "last week" happened at some point between Monday, July 08, and Sunday, July 14.

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
2019-07-?? time unknown			mp3	Def950A (pdf)	Amber Heard/Laura Divenere recording

official transcript
(note added, no corrections made)
(click to expand)

Def950A

(note: I didn't bother trying to correct the transcript, so I don't know how accurate it is, sorry! Also, I retranscribed the transcript, meaning I didn't copy/paste it, so if you notice that I mistranscribed anything, please let me know!) Amber: So anyway, do you want to sit down? Laura: Yeah. Alright. So I'm going to fill you in with what they're doing to me right now, Johnny's doing. Amber: Okay. What's going - so you sent me that screen graph, but it looked like from that screen- Laura: Apparently the attorney that Johnny's working with was like threatening if I didn't get back to him that I'd have to literally - so I'm like- Amber: What did he say? Laura: That - 'cause I said - he first approached me, I said no. I go, I really don't know anything about this. That's not something Amber and I ever talked about as far as abuse goes. I wasn't there until that summer when I was helping her put things together. And I know for a fact I was in Africa during that time. Well he has me on file, on photograph, going into the building every single day apparently. Amber: Oh, so it wasn't when you were in Africa. Laura: No. Yeah. He was like, then he thought I was totally conspiring with you and I literally took it that I was like this lying person and he was going to go ahead and subpoena me. Amber: So how did that information get to you? Laura: He directly contacted me. He called me on the phone and then I just didn't pick up. And then the next night he literally texted me. And so that's when I said, I go, I just kind of plead like I don't know anything. I go, that wasn't part of their life that I was exposed to or anything along those lines. I said, I knew that it was a difficult relationship at best. I go, but I was peripheral. And so anyway, he was just like - and I said, I know that summer was the summer that I was planning this big trip to go to Africa, so I go, I wasn't even there that summer. In my mind I wasn't. It's been four years, so I didn't know anything. And then I got a text from him at like 3:00 in the morning basically calling me a liar and literally saying, well then you are just part of Amber's conspiratorial group. I mean this guy is the biggest asshole under the sun. I don't know how you're dealing with this because I have been shaking like for days on this. So he basically was like, he just kept being really - I said, I'm sorry, I don't know Amber to be that person at all. And I believe her. And then he's like, well you have to sit there and I need to have a conversation with you on the phone. And if not, we will subpoena you and you will be deposed. I'm like, are you kidding me. Amber: So he said you will be deposed if you don't have a conversation- Laura: Correct. Without question. So I'm going to paraphrase what they said after the conversation. It was almost two and a half hours. He was the biggest ass I've ever encountered into my life. But what they have got, according to him, they needed me to sign a declaration that said that he accused me of like, okay, well had you been with Elon, James Franco. I'm sure you've got - I said, I know nothing about that. I said, and honestly to my knowledge, the first I heard about Elon was in August. And I said Amber was just really, really sweet going, you know what I just want - I had no - I go, I know nothing about that. Well there's a photograph of you taking some flowers up to the penthouse suite. I kid you not. I don't know what you're doing with it, how you're dealing with this. And I said, that wouldn't have been unusual. I would have gone through. And they said, are you going to be going up there, and he's like, well did you know that they were from Elon. I said, I would have no idea who they were from. I go, I'm not going to read somebody's envelope. And so he tried to get that information from me and I really, I was being honest. I didn't know anything. And then this is just so - Amber, you have no idea. I absolutely adore you. You know that. And it's like, I sat there and like these guys, he's the biggest asshole under the sun. So he again was like, you nkow, bottom line, they have Kate under deposition. He's like, do you know she's going through PTSD. Which I don't know if he was lying. And I was like, she's like you've heard Amber yell at her. I said, listen, the only time I have ever - 'cause he's like, I know for a fact. I said, the only time I've ever heard Amber yell at Kate in my entire life was one time during the move. And I said, honestly she fucked it up. And I said, there's just no way. I go, other than that, I know nothing about that. And she's like, well we have it on record that she's calling me drunk. And I said, yeah. I go, but Kate is the wrong person. Kate consistently screwed things up all the time. She was a mess. And I didn't say that she was drunk when he was calling me because I didn't want to give him more information on this. And then he was talking about like when the place went on the market and I guess they interviewed Kevin too and they've got Kevin. Don't do this because I am - okay. So there was something about pink slips and he was describing it as a pink slip from hell horror house. I mean he's got a way with flourishing words. Like I said, the biggest asshole. And I said those were things that were earmarked. I said, there were clearly things that were not Johnny's that were not pink marked. I'm under the impression that obviously there was an agreement that everything from that apartment was agreed upon that Amber would get. So there's no issue with that. And he was trying to get me to say this, and I didn't know anything about this either. But your mother coming in at some point in front of Kevin Dees. I'm just saying this so you know. And screaming about like she's going to take him for everything he's worth or something like that. Amber: Wait, my mom? Laura: Your mother. Amber: My mom's never screamed. Laura: No, I know that. That's what I'm saying. I go, I've only met Amber's mother a few times. I go, that seems so not to her character. I go, if you're asking me if I witnessed it, I swear to God I did not. But these are like stupid things that are coming consistently. And then it was like, well have you talked to Rocky? They're apparently planning to subpoena Rocky, which I'm sure you're aware of, for perjury. Amber: You can't subpoena someone for perjury. Laura: I know. Amber: You subpoena someone as part of a legal process. Laura: Well there you go. Amber: It's actually manipulating and coercing people through threats. Laura: He's completely manipulating it. Amber: Without people being savvy about the law, they are threatening people to coerce statements out of people. Laura: I know. Yes. Amber: And people are actually able to be tricked, if you don't know anything about- Laura: Right. I get that. I get that. And he's going on about, well do you know about [INDESCERNIBLE 00:07:25]. And I said, I didn't know any of that. So then he's like, well then now you know about it. I'm like, well okay, great. Amber: He just told you. Laura: He just told me. I know. But that's what I'm saying. Amber: Nothing he says - it's all manipulation. Laura: I know it is. So basically- Amber: I mean this guy has literally said they have me on camera, which funny we've never seen that footage. We've seen me stand in an elevator, but they literally made up this thing about Whitney practicing hitting me in the hallway and they have in on camera. Oh, yeah. Like that's where the bruises came from. I'm like, oh yeah, well where is that footage? Like he literally it's just made up. It's literally just made up. Laura: It's horrible. It's horrible. I mean I have not slept for nights because I just didn't even know how to tell you that this has now been brought up and I have to go ahead and tell you about all this information. So he basically said, if I didn't sign a declaration - but it doesn't state anything from you at all. It's just like was I aware of [INDESCERNIBLE 0008:28]. And I said, well no, I am not. But I told you about it the other day, so that's in there. If I didn't I was going to be deposed and he's like, and it was going to be $15,000 to §20,000. So I'm telling you now because I need you to know that and I need your attorneys to then go ahead and get me to do a declaration too and question me so that I can say something in your favor because he's not giving me any - I would like explain things. Like he said, well you were up there. I said, yeah, but that didn't mean I was up with Amber going over this huge plot. I go, I'm with Amber like 5, 10, 15, minutes, half an hour at most and we're there - I'm there to work. And so I don't know, you know, any of this. And it was like, well you need a yes or a no. Then you're not familiar with how the court system works. I'm like, no. I've never been in a court ever. So I was literally forced into signing a declaration that again does not say - it's the most vanilla thing imaginable but I can't afford $20,000 because I don't even know what's going on with Elon right now. But I need your attorneys to sit there and work out a declaration so that I'm in your favor so it nulls anything out. Because I didn't see - because he's like, well did you see her completely - did you see her absolutely beaten up. And he was using the analogy of well if my arm was ripped off. And I'm like, I said she was visibly upset the entire time. And I said, it came from an absolutely true place. Well true place, and then he would go ahead and just say some complete other fabrication. Like I felt like my hands are completely tied and there was nothing I could say to resurrect the situation. And I just was like doing your damnest. So he did the stupid declaration thing and I just kept expunging things and expunging things. And then he just wouldn't do anything else. So it's really vanilla and I will show it to you as much as I possibly can, but I want your attorneys to call me and literally let me do a declaration for you because I don't know what else to do. I am like literally heart broken about this because I can't sit there because we never had - you know, I didn't know any of this knowledge beforehand. I mean it was literally afterwards. You always hid it from me. Amber: It's not your fault. You didn't know. I hid it from everyone. Laura: I know, Amber. Amber: It's what people do. But after, you know, after the divorce, right immediately after that incident, my eye was - did you see my face? Laura: I only saw your face when it was swollen and it was red, but I didn't see any - at that point there was nothing there. And I just said - and I said, I don't recall it. I go, if you're asking - because he's like, I'm not asking you. I'm saying - he was telling me that it wasn't the phone that was thrown at you. That you had said that Johnny had physically beaten you up afterwards. And I said, again, I did not spend any time with you. I have a new - like if I knew what was going on, I would have literally looked at you more intensely and I didn't. You were just - I said, you were just kind of a hot mess at that time and devastated. But I didn't see you at that point where - he was like, she would have been all black and blue. Did you see any black and blue? No, I didn't see black and blue, but she was all swollen and red and she had been crying. So that is what we are at. Amber: How many days after the...? Laura: He said it was like - and again, it's four years ago, so I couldn't even place it. I honestly did think at that time I was in Africa and I thought I met you after that. He's got the dates. I don't even know the dates, but he threw in and was like, you were there on like the - and I'm paraphrasing 'cause I don't know. Like the 23rd, 24th, 25th. And then you've got on the 28th. And then there was some event in December he wanted me to give and I said, I don't know anything about that at all. So I go, please - he's like, well we have you up there on the 15th. And I said, but I might not have even seen Amber. I mean very seldom did I - I mean I'd see Amber, but I go, I never saw Johnny. And here's the beauty of it. Well Johnny happens to think you're a really nice person and he doesn't want to depose you, but if it comes to that he will. And I'm like, well then how nice of a guy is he, you know. Anyway, I just- Amber: After I filed for divorce, I mean after I filed for the restraining order you were around a lot around that time. Laura: I was around. Amber: I was wondering if you - are you saying that you didn't know what was going on? Laura: No. I said I knew what was going on. He was like, he wanted to know did I tell you immediately. And I said, I can't recall that because I can't recall that I saw you directly after that incident happened. He's got me in an elevator and that's it, and I don't know. If this was three years ago, I'd have much more clarity as far as the time of reference. You've been living this whole nightmare for four years straight. I don't have my dates clear at all. And that's- Amber: But after that, after I filed for the restraining order, do you - are yo saying that you knew why I filed for a restraining order? I thought it was pretty talked about. Laura: He didn't talk about the restraining oder. He never mentioned that. All he mentioned was did I ever talk - did you ever talk to me about being abused. Amber: After? Laura: Before. And then also after. Amber: So he specifically said before and- Laura: He was more interested in before. Amber: Well of course. Laura: Right. And then he also asked, did I ever talk about it with IO or Rocky and I said, no. I go other than I would always ask her, well how is she doing. I go, but that was our conversation. You know, I seldom didn't really ever get into conversations with Rocky or IO other than, you know, just superficial like what are you up to and that kind of thing. So I was being really honest because I didn't know - I don't want to sit there and be perjured and I don't have a good timeframe, so I didn't know when. I said, I know I talked about it with Amber, but if you're telling me when did I talk about it with Amber, I honestly don't recall. If you're asking me did I talk about it on this 23rd or 24th, I go, my guess is probably. But I'm being honest, I don't recall because it's been four years and I can't put a date. He's like, well then we'll go ahead and we'll sit there and depose you. I said, you can sit there and depose me now after all of this. I go, but I'm not going to be able to tell you anything else in all honesty. I'm like, I go I've never had anything but an amazing relationship with her. So- Amber: With me? Laura: With you. And I said, so - I go did I ever get into an argument. And he's like how is your relationship with Johnny. I said, it was fine. It was absolutely pleasant. I go, but I didn't really have any interaction with Johnny at all. i go, I've known Amber for eight years. So, you know- Amber: Do you - have you ever seen me be - when you were talking about Kate earlier, I mean do you think I was verbally abusive to her? Laura: No. I literally said, no. Amber: Because I remember you being the strongest advocate for me firing her. Laura: That's what I'm saying. So that's - but this guy doesn't want that information and I told him that too. I said, literally the only time I ever heard her raise her voice was that phone conversation - because Kate had brought it up, so that's why it was brought up. Because he's like, well you were visibly aware. I said, the only time I was, was when there was a move. Kate screwed it up. You've got to - and then he went on and he was like, Kate would call you up. And I said yes. I go, she was not suited to the job and she screwed up a lot. I go, she should never have been working with Amber. And that's something I literally said. He is just wanting - because apparently Kate has some sort of vendetta, not shockingly, to go against you. So once again, I need your attorneys then to go ahead and go, okay, explain the Kate relationship with that. Because I will have your back a thousand times 'til Sunday. Amber: I just, I am only interested in the truth. I'm not interested in manipulating anyone or anything. Laura: I know. Amber: I just want to be clear that you didn't see me be physically or verbally abusive with Kate. Laura: No. The only time, and again she had brought it- Amber: But do you think that I was verbally abusive to her? Laura: No. I siad you were yelling on the phone because everybody had heard about it. I told you about that incident. Amber: About that, just like an incident. Laura: Yeah. Just that one incident. I said never, ever have I heard anything - and then he said, well would you be shocked to find out that she's got PTSD and she's going to meetings for it. And I'm like - I go, in one hand, I would and in the other hand I wouldn't because she's completely off the rails. But of course he doesn't take any of that because he's doing that. And apparently Kevin Dees is apparently not a nice guy. He's the realtor that was showing the place. You didn't even really meet him I don't think. Amber: I don't know who that- Laura: I think you had an altercation with him with the draperies. Remember? Amber: Altercation? I haven't even met him Laura: I mean like it was an argument because the draperies were taken and he's the one that was trying to get the draperie back for the person that bought it. Amber: Oh, but I didn't even talk to him. Laura: Oh, then see, then I have no idea, but he's the other one that's saying all of this other crap. So that's the only stuff that I know that the attorney was telling me. Amber: And then after, when you were around after my restraining order - because from what I remember is I remember we spent a lot of time. I mean I was- Laura: We were putting your office back together. The dressing room was fine. And we were hanging stuff and putting things back in the living room to make it more back like a home. Amber: I'm just like to think - I mean, what- Laura: I don't know when that was though. That's the problem. I have no recollection. I honestly thought it was July at some point, but I don't know. I wish I was actually asked this three years ago. Amber: Have you looked through your- Laura: I don't have anything. My phone has been changed twice and I got a new notebook. So I don't know where to trace anything. Amber: Oh, and you didn't backup? Laura: No. The only thing I backed up were photographs from work.

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Date unknown

Date/Time	Recording	portion	dl	transcript	info
unknown	n/a	---	---	n/a	recording between Johnny Depp & Christian Carino, based on unsealed Fairfax doc #17 (BN DEPP8296 = Plt370) ------- "have gotten emails from every fucking studio fucking head from every motherfucker, I didn't do a thing. 'I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry.' Clearly she's out of her fucking mind. She is viewed as out of her fucking mind across the globe." "There ain't no motherfucker in this business going to hire her." "Oh, she's ruined. For sure. She did that herself. In terms of the business, she's a wrap."